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Chapter 3

WOMEN AND MONEY

We are progressing in virtually all other areas of our lives. Money issues are a kind of a last frontier in our development.

— DR. C. DIANE EALY AND DR. KAY LESH

DID YOU KNOW that the word money comes from the name of the Roman goddess Juno Moneta? She guarded the Roman Empire’s finances, and a temple overlooking the Roman Forum was built in her honor in 344 BCE. Every time we use the word money, we are invoking the goddess’s name.

Though the Romans chose a female deity to guard over their finances, as time went on, there was little mention of women’s connection to power and money. Instead, for centuries, because of regressive laws, women’s financial existence was dependent on men — their fathers, husbands, brothers, uncles, and sons.

This is no longer the case in many countries, especially in the Western world. As already noted, 70 percent of women in the United States with children under the age of eighteen participate in the labor force and contribute to overall family income. Many are actively seeking ways to increase their financial security by purchasing books, going to money management workshops and seminars, seeking help from financial advisors, experts, and so on.

Yet I’ve learned from my experience in working with women that more knowledge alone will not help you create financial independence and security unless you first examine and improve your overall relationship with money. Do you wonder what shapes your relationship with money, and that of women in general? To help us gain a better understanding of women’s relationships with money, I offer a brief review of our history and traditions. While many influences shape women’s relationships with money, I will focus on three main areas: family, culture, and society.

What Does Family Have to Do with It?

Your family history and place of origin play a significant role in forming your ideas about money. Taking a look at how money was regarded and handled in your family can have a powerful effect on your relationship with money.

Families use money in many ways: to express love, to reward, to control, to support, to punish, to share, to respect, to fear, to give thanks, to cultivate responsibility or dependency, and much more. Money can also stir up feelings of envy, competition, comparison, a sense of belonging, and power. These experiences shape your feelings about money — whether you trust money or whether it causes anxiety; how you share, accept, and receive money; and how you use money for your own means.

Perhaps you saw your grandmother or mother turn over the household finances to your father, grandfather, or uncles. Perhaps you heard that there was not enough money for college, so the males in the family received a better education than the females. Maybe you have heard your family and relatives arguing over money or the contents of a will.

Or maybe you witnessed the positive, empowering ways that the women in your family dealt with money. Perhaps the women in your family were just as well educated as, or better educated than, the men. Maybe as early as you can remember your mother also had a career and contributed to the family income. This was the case with my own extended family. Everyone — males and females alike — was required to have an education and secure a career or job outside the home. As mentioned earlier, my mother had a career until she reached retirement age, so my sisters and I were expected to attend a university, become professionals, contribute to society, and pave the way for the next generation.

Historically, in most families, the husbands and fathers were the breadwinners who controlled the financial decisions, which placed women in dependent roles. Women’s roles traditionally have been identified with nurturing, homemaking, caring for the children, and so forth, plus supporting their husbands with their careers. That is why divorce can adversely affect women’s finances, often causing them to experience a dramatic drop in their standard of living and quality of life.

Every family, including yours, has its own money story or legacy, and every generation adds its own. And when emotions are added to the story, it can become legendary. Whatever your family story with money is, these experiences are likely deeply ingrained within you and the cause of some of your internal struggles with money.

LAURA’S STORY

Laura is a happily married writer with two children. When she was growing up, her family had little in the way of material things, and her parents let her brother and sisters know it.

Her parents were not frivolous with money. Laura watched her mother “stretch the dollar” quite effectively. She would go shopping with her mother to buy groceries and clothes for everyone; everything was purchased on sale, never at the regular price.

When we began working together, Laura was having a hard time shopping for clothes. Her husband, Nick, who’d had a different experience with money growing up, was the opposite. Sometimes he even told Laura to lighten up. It was hard for Laura to let go of her money, especially if an item was not on sale.

She described to me an internal battle that took place when she shopped. It took Laura a long time to decide whether to make a purchase. This exhausted her because having the money to pay for the purchases wasn’t even the issue — her family’s history with funds (or the lack thereof) was.

Our work included helping Laura to heal her emotions of fear and anxiety related to her family’s beliefs about money. The root of her internal battle came from not wanting to disrespect her parents, so she continued to uphold their old beliefs, even if they didn’t serve her.

The turning point came when Laura forgave her parents and herself for adopting these false beliefs about money, especially since she saw many examples of abundance (not lack) in her own life. Once Laura released these false beliefs, and adopted new and empowered beliefs about money, the internal battle that took place when she spent money while shopping finally ceased.

A Cultural Shift: The Joy of Financial Independence

Our culture defines the role money plays in our lives and dictates the right behaviors and ethics relating to money. Making good money is valued in our culture as a sign of prestige and status. Today in most Western cultures women are no longer expected to depend on men for their financial security. You are fully responsible for your financial independence and for how you earn, invest, save, and spend your money.

As any advertiser can tell you, a key aspect of our culture of consumerism is devoted to women and shopping. After all, women control 85 percent of all purchasing decisions. In the past, women were financially marginalized and did not have the opportunity to consume. This is no longer the case. Women’s shopping behaviors are now glorified by the phrases “shop till you drop” and “born to shop.”

How do you feel about shopping? Does it relieve loneliness and boredom by offering distractions? Does it provide a means of interacting with others and the world at large? Does it enhance your self-confidence and image? Does it provide an endorphin high, a form of self-soothing? Or do spending sprees, like various addictive behaviors, produce a remorseful low? The fact is, shopping can be a way to compensate for feeling unappreciated, devalued, or neglected. It can be an expensive way to fill a void in our lives. Driven by these emotions, shoppers can often be driven to compulsively overspend.

While consumerism is widespread in our culture, there is also a shift toward less consumption, in part to help protect the environment and in part due to the recognition that human connections are a more important part of leading a fulfilled life than material things.

JANET’S STORY

Janet admitted that she was a compulsive shopper. She loved to buy luxurious gifts for herself and her loved ones. After all, she was making a good income, so she could indulge herself. Her husband, Joe, disapproved of her spending habits and tried to curtail them.

Janet had a way of hiding her purchases and would tell her husband that the items she purchased were on sale, even if that was not the case. The problem was that her spending was getting out of control. She was simply spending more than she was making — plus, her credit card debt was ballooning.

As we worked together, Janet admitted she was not being honest about money with herself or her husband. She also uncovered the real reason for her compulsive spending. At the core, she was unhappy and experiencing midlife blues. Janet regretted that she had never made time to have children. She also resented working long hours in her business because it was consuming her life and affecting her health and well-being. Janet also took exception to the fact that despite her working overtime, her hard work did not seem to be making any difference because for the past three years she had not been able to break into six figures. This insight was the catalyst that enabled Janet to come to terms with her anger toward herself.

Janet resolved to take three necessary actions to change her relationship with money. First, she had an honest conversation with her husband about the state of her finances and the root cause of her behavior and sadness. The conversation she most dreaded turned out to be a blessing, bringing her and Joe much closer together. Second, since Janet felt loved and supported, she took another big step to create and follow an action plan to pay off her debts and curb her spending.

The third action, and perhaps the most critical one, was that Janet shifted her view of her finances, seeing them not as a source of shame but as a tool for personal growth. This shift freed up her energy to focus positively on her work. She began to love her business again, which put her on the path to breaking into the six-figure mark within ten months — much sooner than she had anticipated.

Reforming Societal Messages

Our conditioning as women regarding money is also formed by the messages we receive from our patriarchal society, the media, advertising, and even fairy tales. Think about stories such as “Cinderella,” “Sleeping Beauty,” “Snow White,” and “Rapunzel,” which have repeatedly been used as a formula in novels and Hollywood romantic movies. These folk tales’ basic premise is that somewhere out there is a prince who will one day come to take the maiden away from all her troubles, bestowing the riches, love, and security that have been missing from her life. The message is that these women can rely on certain attributes — beauty, charm, and kind hearts — to find their Prince Charming but not on their intelligence, ambition, and talents. For generations, these messages have served to ingrain in girls the belief that they are not capable of earning their own living and of managing money.

On some unconscious (or maybe not so unconscious) level, many women have identified with the message that someone will come and rescue them from having to learn how to take care of themselves and their finances. This leaves women vulnerable and disempowered. This patriarchal message plays on women’s psyches, especially since feeling safe is very important to girls and women. In fact, separating money and security is difficult, since they are bound together in women’s minds. For women this can lead to staying in relationships that are not good or healthy for them, as they trade their freedom for the sense of safety. Women may put up with their partner’s infidelity or drinking problem or even abusive treatment for the sake of perceived security.

The “money = security” message came from a time when women who were married were more secure than those who were single. This idea can also spill over into our businesses and careers, causing women to stay in unhealthy work situations for the same reason — wanting to have security. Of course, true security comes from knowing who you are and what is most important to you. Inner security is your true source of strength.

JASMINE’S STORY