Читать книгу Stop Eating Your Heart Out - Meryl Hershey Beck - Страница 15
ОглавлениеChapter 3
Finding Support
No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it.
—H. E. LUCCOCK, METHODIST EPISCOPAL CHURCH BISHOP
YOU ARE NOW WRITING IN your food-mood diary every day, as well as journaling your feelings. As you continue with these activities, chances are really good that you will begin to have insights and aha moments. But since these are both solitary endeavors, it is time to also create a support system to ensure you get encouragement and strength from others. Moreover, you need to become your own advocate, your own cheerleader, as you learn to take better care of yourself. This chapter touches on both these aspects—creating an outside support system as well as learning to support and nurture yourself. In addition, Day 6 deals with seeking professional help, if needed.
Day Creating a Support System
Often we are our own worst enemies. I vividly remember a poignant Ziggy cartoon illustrating the truth of this statement. In the first frame we see Ziggy, with head bowed, and the caption “God grant me one request—destroy my worst enemy.” The next frame is a large lightning bolt and the word ZAP! The third frame displays a pile of ashes with smoke rising and the words “Let me rephrase that!”
Yes, we can each be our own worst enemy. As you do the inner work necessary to curb emotional eating, it is crucial to encircle yourself with supportive people. While you will have the outlet of writing in your journal, it is also important to have someone to confide in. Then, if you fall into old patterns with food, you'll have someone to talk to about it. A typical response from your Inner Critic is blaming and shaming, which can lead to more self-loathing and more binge eating. A nonjudgmental friend, however, might acknowledge those feelings and then help you move past them with a fresh perspective and positive actions.
Surround yourself with friends or family members who care about you and want what's best for you. Having a support system is like having a safety net below you at all times. It gives you the courage to take the next step forward, and then the next, as you embark on this journey of self-discovery and transformation.
Likewise, it is essential that you avoid people who might sabotage your efforts—those who discourage you from changing or who actively bring you unhealthy food as treats. Identify individuals who are critical, cause you to feel bad about yourself, or drain your energy—and stay away from them. Choose instead to hang out with those who applaud your efforts, who celebrate you for being you, and who are trustworthy with your feelings.
When I was at my lowest emotionally, I was fortunate to find Twelve-Step meetings. The openness and self-honesty I heard in the rooms were both foreign and frightening to me. Even so, I returned week after week because I saw, for the first time, people who had lost weight and were keeping it off. Over two hundred different self-help groups, with a combined worldwide membership of millions, now employ Twelve-Step principles for recovery. This book's Resources section offers more information about some of the food-related recovery groups.
When I stopped eating compulsively, I began to experience a hodgepodge of feelings. The Twelve-Step meetings provided a support system where I began to let others in, allowing them to see the real me by sharing my innermost thoughts, along with the fragile, newfound feelings that accompanied them. Later, I sponsored other people, assisting them in ending their own obsession with food.
It took me a while to understand the program, and applying the steps became my first experience with personal-growth work. The original Twelve Steps, as set by Alcoholics Anonymous, state:
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable [In food-related programs, alcohol is replaced with food, etc.]
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him [Many groups have changed Him to God to make it gender neutral. To make the statements originally including God more religiously neutral, the word can be changed to a Higher Power, or something similar. The Twelve-Step groups listed in the Resources are not religious but are spiritual and open to people of all religions, and of no religions, including atheists and agnostics.]
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
My journey to health, my life without compulsive overeating, began with Twelve-Step Recovery, which combines spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical recovery. If you are struggling with food, I urge you to check out a few of the meetings.
Some people balk because of the mention of God in the steps—but please don't let that deter you. People of all religions, as wells as agnostics and atheists, have benefitted from these fellowships. Overeaters Anonymous (OA) was the first, and many others have sprung up. Below is a list of some of them. For descriptions, go to the Resources section at the end of the book.
Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (ABA)
Compulsive Eaters Anonymous-HOW (CEA-HOW)
Eating Addictions Anonymous (EAA) www.eatingaddictionsanonymous.org
Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA)
www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org
Food Addicts Anonymous (FAA)
Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)
GreySheeters Anonymous (GSA)
Overeaters Anonymous (OA)
Since the Twelve-Step approach does not appeal to everyone, you might choose to find your support elsewhere, and that's fine. Search online or ask trusted friends and healthcare professionals for self-help groups near you and for other resources. Online chat rooms and forums can be particularly helpful because they are always “open.” Someone is always listening and trying to help. Here are a few online sources to get you started:
www.MentorConnect-ed.org is designed to replace eating disorders with relationships. It is the first global online mentoring community which provides one-on-one matches for individuals seeking recovery.
www.EatingDisorderRecovery.com, an extensive website containing articles that support, inform, and encourage recovery, was created by Joanna Poppink, psychotherapist and author of Healing Your Hungry Heart.
www.BEDAonline.org provides individuals who suffer from binge eating disorder with resources to begin a safe journey toward a healthy recovery.
www.HealthyGirl.org is an online support site for girls and young women who binge or emotionally overeat.
www.Something-Fishy.org is dedicated to raising awareness and providing support for people with eating disorders and has a directory of treatment providers and support groups.
www.NationalEatingDisorders.org offers support groups, advice, and referrals.
Another option is to join a group that offers general support for expressing yourself honestly and receiving empathy. The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) provides such groups. Nonviolent communication (NVC), which can also be understood as compassionate communication, was originally developed in the 1960s by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, an American psychologist. It is a process of communication based on transforming our judgments into feelings and needs. During NVC classes and seminars, students discover how to give compassionate responses to themselves and others based on the feelings and needs beneath the words.
For those of us who have berated ourselves for years, NVC is an excellent way to learn to be more empathetic. When I studied NVC, I found the process of self-empathy very challenging at first. I couldn't forgive myself for having what I saw as gargantuan warts. It took a lot of practice for me to become gentle and forgiving of myself, but I eventually noticed that calling myself stupid had (mostly) stopped. Now, when I goof up, I call myself silly. Unlike the word stupid, the word silly is light and almost humorous, and hearing it doesn't feel like I've been punched in the gut. Rather than seeing my human foibles as so darn serious, silly allows me to lighten up and even laugh at myself from time to time.
Finding supportive people or a support group meets our very important need to belong. Lynne McTaggart discusses this crucial need in her book The Bond:
The need to move beyond the boundaries of ourselves as individuals and to bond with a group is so primordial and necessary to human beings that it remains the key determinant of whether we remain healthy or get ill, even whether we live or die. It is more vital to us than any diet or exercise program. The Bond we make with a group is the most fundamental need we have because it generates our most authentic state of being.
Assignment
Start investigating various Twelve-Step groups. Find meetings in your area, and make a commitment to yourself to attend at least one meeting within the next week. The feeling of belonging might not happen immediately—I often heard others say they felt as if they were home at their first meeting, but I had to attend many, many meetings before I began to feel connected to the group—but it's worth your while to try.
If you have already been exposed to Twelve-Step Recovery and decided it is not right for you, then be sure to check out other possible self-help or support groups. In addition, begin identifying people with whom you can allow yourself to be vulnerable, sharing the real you. Find a buddy with whom you check in every day. Since creating a strong support system takes time, it is wise to begin the process today.
Day Self-Care
In addition to creating a support system of caring people around you, it is time to stop being your own worst enemy and begin to become your own best friend. Let's start with ways you can take better care of yourself. As a psychotherapist, I see time and time again the adverse effects of my clients' lack of self-care. In general, women have been conditioned to be the givers, but men aren't very good at making themselves a priority, either.
Do you put everyone else's needs before your own? What do you do to take care of yourself? Are you finding time to play? To laugh? To relax? To nurture yourself? The chances are pretty good that you are not—at least not yet. But with the help of some simple tools, that can—and will—change.
In days long ago, I was always more interested in assisting others than in taking care of myself. I didn't ever want to appear selfish, so I continued to give and give of myself until eventually the well ran dry. While being selfish can mean being stingy, exercising self-care is filling yourself up before,
