Читать книгу Baggage Claim - Michael J.D. Lowery - Страница 5

Anxiety over separation runs very high in pets and children. I am convinced it is at toxic levels in adults. When I travel, I am usually more concerned over what I may leave behind than what I am taking with me. There's nothing more frustrating than arriving at my destination only to discover that something important was left behind. That meant that I would have to scour a city I am completely unfamiliar with in order to replace that item. As a result, I would have to spend time and money, if I was lucky enough to locate the item I'd left, to purchase another. And if locating a substitute was unsuccessful, then I was stuck trying to "make do" without that necessity. After experiencing that anxiety for so long, I over-compensated by over-packing. My plan was clear; take more than I needed because "it is better to have and not need than to need and not have". As a result, I found that I was carrying excess baggage just because of anxiety. My fear of leaving something behind was why I'd taken more than I needed! Perhaps that is why people transport baggage of unresolved issues from relationship to relationship; from one place in their life to the next. It isn't necessarily on purpose. It isn't because people like the weight of excess psychological issues, or the energy they expend. There is this anxiety about departing from one place and arriving at another, ill- prepared. There is this innate need to bring the familiar into the unfamiliar; to bring the known into the unknown. Even if those emotions and cycles are negative, they are at least, familiar. At least in this way, there is always something to "fall back on". For this reason, many people find themselves in cycles that are never broken. I would take that a step further and coin them as "recycles". Recycles are emotionally deeper than cycles because they are often harder to recognize. In recycles, an experience is materially the same, though it is experientially different. It is the same at its root, although it branches into other individuals and relationships. For example, if someone is in a marriage that experiences repeated infidelity, neglect, or abuse occurring at different times in that relationship, that is called a cycle. However, if the same individual is in another marriage experiencing the same cases of infidelity, neglect, or abuse as their prior marital relationship, that's called a recycle: different face, same place; different house, same hurt; different relationship, same result. The irony is that we wind up reliving the patterns we were trying to end; repeating the cycles we wanted to change; reconnecting with the same types of individuals we were trying to leave. Often, we find ourselves being attracted to or attracting the same types of people and habits; the core reason is familiarity. Subconsciously we are driven to that which is familiar, though consciously we look for that which is new and different. But by the time we are able to recognize that we've just recycled the thing we dreaded most, we have already invested time and emotions. That's when the dysfunctional element of that relationship begins; not when the negativity is revealed, but when it is received and accepted! Some dysfunction has existed so long in our lives that it is all we've known. This is what I coin "Acceptable Dysfunction". It is the dysfunction that we've grown accustomed to; dysfunction that we've lived with or around, sometimes for generations. Thus, it has been accepted, and because we have co-existed with it for so long, it is no longer seen as dysfunction. The dysfunction then becomes the "normal"; it has become the familiar, while the sane, functional things become abnormal. It then becomes easier to repeat the patterns of the past because we've learned the language of dysfunction. Once you speak the language of dysfunction, the cycles become the sub- culture, making it easier to relate to and communicate to those who now speak your language!

Think about the many items we have lying around our homes that have missing pieces or substituted parts. It could be an end-table with a prop of cardboard placed underneath a leg to balance it because of a broken base. Or perhaps there are layers of tape where screws and brackets should be. Maybe shelves only have plants instead of books because the weight capacity was compromised due to faulty installation. Yet we've lived with that item functioning far beneath its potential. Though it will never operate at its optimum, we are okay with that. As long as we don't disturb it to reveal its defects, then everything is fine! The only thing worse than living with dysfunction is relocating it! That's what a recycle does. It relocates a cycle of dysfunction, from one relationship to another. It would be akin to taking that broken end-table with its cardboard prop and using it in a new home; or taking down that poorly installed shelf that could only hold plants instead of books, and re-installing it in your new home without any repairs or adjustments. You would simply be transporting and relocating defective items from one location to another. That's what people do in relationships. They give themselves no time to make personal repairs and adjustments, dealing with all of the changes and issues that caused the demise of their prior relationships before they jump right into another. Perhaps, like the relocated faulty furniture, a person believes it is better to fill a new place with defective pieces than to leave it new-yet-empty. I believe this type of thinking to be a misnomer, because we have always equated emptiness with loneliness. Emptiness has always been perceived as being impoverished, just as singleness has always been perceived as being unwanted! An empty room means having to start all over again, and not many people are willing to take the time and energy needed in starting over. So they remain in a dysfunctional relationship where at least there is somebody there to hold and to give them some pleasure and satisfaction, than to be alone. But I would rather be alone and be functional, than to be with someone else and remain dysfunctional. When somebody tells me, when asked about their relationship status, that they are "taken", I ask them "Where?" You may have somebody with you, but where are they taking you? Because if you are going anywhere and everywhere except forward, then you are just being taken! The only ship I know that occasionally remains docked yet continues to increase in passengers is a relationship. It could be docked in dysfunction and ported in a place called pitiful, yet people remain onboard. At least when you are by yourself, you don't have to carry the excess weight of somebody else's baggage. I've discovered that being alone isn't synonymous with being lonely. Just because your bed is empty doesn't mean your life has to feel empty. You can be in a relationship and still feel empty. There is a difference between company and companionship! Emptiness isn't measured by the amount of people or activity you have or don't have in your life, but by the level of fulfillment you have. What is often perceived as emptiness could just mean a vacancy for new things. The problem with many people is that their lives are so filled with clutter. Having clutter in our lives is like living with a sign that reads "no vacancy", wherein nothing positive can "check in" because you won't allow negativity to "check out". Our lives could be cluttered with unprofitable relationships and unfruitful activities. Our minds could be cluttered with negative thoughts, or our hearts cluttered with issues. Oftentimes, that's what makes moving so tedious, making the transition into other places in your life difficult. For it isn't until you start packing that you realize how much clutter you have accumulated over the years. Somehow, we collect items and find a way to store them where we live. And the whole time we're packing, we are amazed at how much we've hoarded, and how many valuables were misplaced because they fell through the creases, cracks, and crevices of furniture. How many times have you driven in neighborhoods and saw people with their garage doors open, displaying mountains of boxes which were piled up everywhere? So often, people can't park their vehicles in their garages because of the lack of space. The irony is most people admittedly collect items that they really don't need or use. But often, because of sentimental reasons or the fear of throwing away something important, we hoard and store. That is how we do in life. We let inner fears interfere with moving forward. Thus, we hoard emotional clutter from our past experiences; emotional baggage from each stop made in life. And it's not until we prepare to move out, that we realize how much we have accumulated and stored psychologically. We then find that the most important valuable thing had fallen through the creases, cracks, and crevices of past relationships; that is, our identity! The only thing that clutter does is take up space, preventing opportunities for new and wonderful experiences. But what's worse is that we take all of that clutter with us when we move, thus relocating and recycling the same issues. The only way that where you're going will be better than where you've been, is if you refuse to take where you've been into where you're going! Except you move on, moving out won't matter. Issues must be settled, not relocated. And unlike moving out in the literal, you cannot have a yard sale to liquidate the issues you've accumulated emotionally. In this case, your trash will only be another person's treasure if you freely offer them the wisdom of your experiences!

Sentiment was never meant to be like cement! It wasn't designed to hold you back from making new memories, as if you were somehow being unfaithful to the past ones. You can be connected without being tied down. You are not a cheater, having an affair on your treasured memories because you choose to treasure the new ones! So get to that new place in your life! Get to where you've never been before. Yes, it is unfamiliar and somewhat strange, but it can be the best move you've ever made. You won't know what's up ahead, except you're first willing to leave what's behind! Now, you can start from scratch. Just like in relocating defective furniture, you don't want to fill your new place in life with defective emotional pieces. That's the beauty of moving into a new home. The room is empty, open to new horizons; to new colors; to new furniture. That is how it is when moving into a new emotional place in your life. It is an arrival. But remember, there can be no arrival until there is first a departure. Getting to where you've never been usually involves leaving where you've always been.

Arriving at a new place means departing from the old, and that involves releasing those negative things that perpetuate the cycles and recycles of your past. I was recently at an airport in order to take a trip, and I mistakenly drove to the arrival area of the terminal rather than the departure area. (This wasn't hard to do because the arrival and departure shared the same terminal at this airport) Much to my surprise, I saw very little difference between the activities involved at the arrival area, and the ones involved at the departure area. Although they were diametrically opposed to one another, their similarities were eerily undeniable. In both instances, ground transportation was coming and going. In both areas of that terminal, people were carrying luggage. In both cases, people were hugging and kissing. But what distinguished arrival from departure, outside of the visible signs, was first of all, the embrace. Those who stood curbside at the arrival curb embraced with joy. They were smiling and welcoming their loved ones. There was laughter and celebration at the sight of their loved ones. At the departure curb, there was also long, emotional embracing. Except in this case, the mood was the opposite. The body language and facial expressions told a different story. There were tears and good-byes; clinging and clutching. The interactivity alone revealed which part of the terminal you were at. One of the keys to life, especially when moving to a new place emotionally and relationally, is to treat your departures like your arrivals! As opposed to crying, clinging and clutching moments that you feel will never return, embrace the opportunities for new moments. Give more "hellos" than "good-byes". Embrace this new season of your life with anxious anticipation over the possibilities. Please don't misunderstand me, it is very healthy to mourn the loss of a passing relationship or friendship, but it is unhealthy to commiserate. And don't surround yourself with people who accept invitations to your pity party. Usually when pity has a party of one, it closes down early. But if your life is surrounded with people who haven't gotten over their hurts, chances are they won't help you get over yours. Misery loves company because the miserable loves companionship. This is why the second element, distinguishing the arrival from the departure, is apropos; that element is curbside check-in. Just as there are agents at the departure curb whose assignment is to check in luggage, so too are there individuals whose job is to handle your emotional baggage. They ensure that you are able to transport baggage from the place of your departure to the place of your arrival. That's what these companions of misery represent. Their job is to make sure that you carry the same feelings, habits, and thought processes with you. Life-long friends can also connect you to life-long habits. Some people won't let you depart, because they are afraid that you will leave them behind. Sometimes, your need to vent and share your hurt is nothing more than an emotional "curbside check-in". And when you think you've moved past your pain or failure, you hear about it from the individuals you've confided in. Therefore, you remain in those cycles because you won't change your circles. Who you take with you is just as critical as what you take with you! Your company is just as crucial as your cargo. You see, the most critical place is at the crossroads, or "curbside", of a decision. Because decisions precede departures, this time of your life is vitally important. You will never depart from any place until you first make a decision to leave. But remember, you only have but so much time to remain at "curbside" before you are told to leave. At one airport, they called it "active loading and unloading". There are safety concerns with people parked at curbside. They pose a possible threat to the safety and security of others. If you are leaving, then leave! If you are staying, then park! But the longer it takes you to offload or pick up, the more your indecisiveness will affect the security of others. Your uncertainty will always lead to instability, further complicating your life. The irony is that making no decision usually becomes the decision! Either you will leave voluntarily, or you will be towed. In other words, if you don't decide to change your life, then life will decide for you, towing you back into the cycles you were trying to break! You see, departures begin with a decision. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to make a decision. First of all, they are seldom easy, especially the critical ones. Secondly, they often come with consequences, which is why people have "layovers". They linger between choices, parked in the same place waiting for a decision to be made, rather than making them. At least when someone else makes the decision for them, there is somebody to blame for the consequences. Decisions are like boarding passes; you cannot depart without them. Making the best decisions for your life will allow you to transition first-class, ahead of those who spend years languishing in the "main cabin" of life; which is that same empty, unfulfilling place. A first-class, non-stop, one-way transition into the best decision is far better than frequent- flier miles accumulated from making the same poor decisions, any day!

Some people make a decision at the "kiosk" of conversations, basing their decisions on someone else's opinion. That's a recipe for disaster! How many times have you listened to someone else and paid the price for it? While we can attest to benefiting often from sound advice, we can agree that we incurred a high cost for bad advice. More than likely, the bad outnumbered the good. Before a person's opinion encourages you to "check in" to making a decision, make sure you "check out" their motives! They just may be influencing your decisions out of their own unresolved issues, thus encouraging you to be their fellow passenger in remaining where they are. There use to be a very popular slogan that circulated during the 80's and 90's that sought to discourage drinking and driving. The slogan that was used said "friends don't let friends drive drunk." There should be a new slogan that reads, "Friends don't let friends live drunk." Issues and emotional baggage impair our decision-making ability. They impede sound judgment and rationalization. It is as if a person is intoxicated with issues, slowing intelligent responses to life's transitions. What person would want to see someone they claim to care about, heading into the wrong direction? Who would want to see their loved ones become a victim of an emotional collision? Who would desire that their friends become a relationship fatality? The truth is the impaired can't recognize the intoxicated! People defer to the opinions of others, perhaps believing that they themselves are too impaired to see and think clearly; believing that the other person has the sobriety of a designated driver to steer them in the right direction. And that should be the case. There should be someone around you who is sober. If everyone in your circle is impaired, who then possesses the soundness and wisdom necessary to give a clearer perspective? If all of your friends are drinking from the same spiked-punch bowl of emotional issues, then who is sober, sane, and sound enough to present the truth? Everyone should have a true friend who isn't so intoxicated with their own issues, or so impressed with you that they can't be truthful. A true friend will tell you the truth even at the risk of that truth causing a rift in your relationship. Getting along can't happen at the expense of going forward. Sometimes, a person has to hurt your feelings in order to help you move forward. Truth usually hurts because it cuts away the fat. It seems mean because it cuts lean. It doesn't cut like a mugger, but it cuts like a surgeon. Its incision is done with precision to help you make the right decisions. The only anesthetic is the knowledge that this process is like a surgical procedure that will remove the excess. That is what makes a true friend so valuable. You may be in a relationship that your friend sees as potentially damaging and perhaps even dangerous. That relationship may involve cheating or abuse (verbal or physical or both), neglect and even control. As I mentioned earlier, often the relationship is the result of acceptable dysfunction. To you, the abuse is excused. For you, the cheating results in forgiveness over and over again, then accepting that person back. With you, the control and possessiveness is seen as healthy. Things that to others would be unacceptable, you've accepted. Obviously, no one can tell you what to do. Usually, this becomes a very sensitive area because it often destroys life-long friendships. How do you tell someone you care about that the person they are in love with is no good for them? It's never easy, just like taking the keys from a drunk driver. To them, they aren't intoxicated. To them, they have things under control. To them, they haven't exceeded the limit! People are quicker to recognize when THINGS are out of control than when THEY are out of control. They are slow to recognize when they are under the influence. But just like you would insist strongly that they let you take them home, so too must your friends insist that you listen to their advice, or even the information they have. If the people who want the best for you are your proven friends, then you should trust their concerns.