Читать книгу If You Could See Me Now - Michael Mewshaw - Страница 5

A manila envelope with a Los Angeles postmark reached me in London less than a week after Amy's call. Reminded of letters from college admissions offices, from publishers and judging committees for grants and fellowships, I confess to nervousness about opening it and confronting . . . what? My fate? Some ultimate acceptance or rejection?

In addition to a photograph and several pages of Xeroxed documents, Amy had enclosed a note on unlined stationery."I hope we meet one day," she had written and signed off with "Love." Her scrupulously legible handwriting seemed that of a conscientious child. But the snapshot, a color close-up of her smiling face, showed a beautiful, vibrant woman in her early thirties. The shape of her eyes, the texture of her tanned skin, the set of her jaw with its slightly cleft chin, the lustrous dark hair, the tension of her mouth whose economical upper lip con trasted with the generosity of the lower one, her large bright teeth— everything called to mind the woman I had loved.

The Xeroxed documents were in the form of a letter to Amy from the postadoption coordinator at the Children's Home Society (CHS) of California. Atop the first page, the agency's CHS logo had balls poised above the C and the S and a stick figure of a child as the crossbar for the H.Though the stick figure might have been meant to suggest a kid gamboling on a jungle gym, it resembled someone struggling to push iron prison bars apart.

Dear Amy,

Thank you for your $35 subsequent payment for the additional post adoption background information service (receipt enclosed). I have received your waiver of confidentiality which I have placed in your permanent file.

I am sending you another waiver of confidentiality for your adoptive mother to sign.

In reviewing your case record, the agency can provide you with the following nonidentifying information.

As you know, you were born on December 24, 1964 at 6:36 p.m.Your weight at birth was 8 lbs. 14 oz., and you were 21'' long.

Your birth mother was very attractive, bright and 21 years old at that time. She came from a strong background with quite a complicated personality. During the time she was in California she posed as a married woman. Her boyfriend, not the birth father, came to California with her, expecting to marry her and to help her through her pregnancy with you. Your birth father knew of the pregnancy and wanted to marry your birth mother also, as well as a former boyfriend. The decision to place you for adoption was made harder for your birth mother because of the three proposals of marriage. However, because of her family situation, she felt that it would be totally unacceptable and decided not to involve her family by telling them about you.Your birth mother's final decision was relinquishment, and she wanted you placed in a Protestant home with a cultural and educational background.

Your birth mother had a great deal of difficulty in arriving at her decision to give you up for adoption because she felt she would not be able to give you the things that were important and meaningful in her life. She also felt that she was being irresponsible not to take responsibility for a child she had brought into the world.

Your birth mother and her boyfriend, who posed as her brother, came into the office. They both were attractive young people and made a striking couple. He is tall and dark and she is tall, with a slender build.They were both well groomed.

Your birth mother and birth father had dated for two years and she was actually "pinned" to him.Your birth mother felt that your birth father got her pregnant with the hope of pressuring her into marrying him. His response, when he found out about the pregnancy was "now we'll be able to get married." Your birth mother did not feel this would be a sound marriage. Her family seemed to like him and she described him as a rather capable, likeable person whom she did not want to marry.Your birth father was aware that your birth mother was in California with another man.

Your birth mother's family expectations made it very difficult for her to think about settling down to a normal married existence.Your birth mother thought of her father, your grandfather, as an international consultant to the U.S. Government. He was one of the top advisors to the Korean Government for a period of years, and before that, a government advisor to the Philippines. Your grandfather was currently employed as top assistant to one of the cabinet members at the time of your birth.

During your birth mother's freshman year at college, one of her professors was grooming her to enter the Miss America Contest. She had been a runner up to Miss Maryland in that contest and was considered an attractive girl physically. She is always beautifully groomed and looks quite sophisticated. Her hair is past waist length and looks quite exotic and lovely done up in a French twist. She does not wear a great deal of makeup but has a beautiful complexion, a nice smile and a slight cleft in her chin.

Your birth father's father, your grandfather, is a retired two-star general who graduated from military school. He was 58 years old at the time of your birth. He was born in Kansas.

Your birth father was described as a large-boned, athletic, very stable,capable person who got along extremely well with everyone and was well liked. However, your birth mother felt that he had some qualms and feelings that he might not measure up to his father's expectations, and internalized all of these feelings.

The personality traits that were most unattractive to your birth mother about your birth father were that he was not a creative or spontaneous person.

Your birth mother was quite sure what she wanted to do with her life. She did plan to go to Europe with her grandmother, your great grandmother, after returning home.

This is all the known nonidentifying information in the record.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION

birth mother

21 when you were born Born in Ohio

Residence at time you were born: California

Caucasian: English/Scotch/Irish/German/Swedish

5'7" tall

121 pounds

Brown hair

Brown eyes

Medium coloring

Very attractive

College graduate—English major—psychology minor

Office manager

Good health

Baptist

Single

family

Father

57 years old 6'2" tall

190 pounds Black hair Brown eyes Very fair skin and freckles

Sometimes has hives

Good health

College graduate & graduate school in Law & CPA

Government advisor and consultant

Mother

53 years old 5'4" tall

124 pounds Reddish brown hair Brown eyes Medium coloring Allergic to fish and coffee College and Graduate school Judge—news field—real estate—acting Brother

25 years old 5'11" tall

165 pounds Black hair Hazel/green eyes Medium coloring Good bone structure but light weight In college

birth father

27 when you were born Born in Texas Caucasian: German/English

6'2" tall

180 pounds Good build Brown hair Brown eyes Medium coloring College graduate Advertising business

No known medical problems in the family

Good health

Protestant

Single

family

Father

About 58 years old

5'8" tall

Grey hair

Brown eyes

Medium coloring

Military career

Mother

About 50 years old

5'3" tall

118 pounds Dark brown hair Brown eyes Medium coloring

Junior College

Homemaker Sister

29 years old 5'2" tall Petite build Brown eyes Auburn hair Ivory coloring Junior College Homemaker Four children

I read and reread the pages, testing the meaning of individual sentences and phrases, scanning lines as though they were modern poetry that almost completely eluded interpretation. In some ways, it was a bit like reading my own obituary or thumbing through a diary kept by a coldly objective acquaintance. It bristled with double-bladed statements, some of them stingingly painful even at this remove in time.

"Your birth mother felt that your birth father got her pregnant with the hope of pressuring her into marrying him. . . . The personality traits that were most unattractive to your birth mother about your birth father were that he was not a creative or spontaneous person. . . . Her boyfriend, not the birth father, came to California with her, expecting to marry her and help her through her pregnancy. . . . The decision to place you for adoption was made harder for your birth mother because of three proposals of marriage. . . . Your birth mother was quite sure what she wanted to do with her life. She did plan to go to Europe with her grandmother, your great grandmother, after returning home."

But perhaps the most startling aspect of this supposedly "nonidentify

ing information" was the voluminous amount it divulged about Amy's birth mother and father and their families. The physical descriptions of her biological parents may not have been much help in her search. But the high-profile professions of Amy's grandparents—a top assistant to a U.S. cabinet member, a judge, a retired two-star general—might have suggested that all these people resided in Washington, D.C., or its suburbs.

This was an impression that could only be reinforced by the fact that the birth mother had been a runner-up to Miss Maryland.The rules of the Miss America pageant stipulate that contestants have to be residents of the state they represent.This narrowed the search to Maryland. More crucially, given the mother's age at the time of Amy's birth, an investigator could focus on a few years of the Miss Maryland pageant and zero in on a handful of runners-up.

Had the Children's Home Society revealed this inadvertently? I wondered. Or did it regard arranging reunions as its current mission?

Yet, to my amazement, with so much information at her disposal, Amy had somehow taken a false turn that had led her first to Karen and only then to me.The giveaway details about her birth mother appeared not to have influenced her at all.While I now accepted that Amy was probably the person she claimed to be, I still didn't care to admit anything until I had spoken to her adoptive mother.