Читать книгу Stinkers! America's Worst Self-Published Books - Michael N Marcus - Страница 4

Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson

AuthorHouse, 2008, 648 pages, $150

This is probably the worst book ever published! It has 648 huge pages, $150 cover price and an Amazon sales rank below 10,000,000. No lowercase letters are used in the book. It’s ugly, has bad grammar, bad spelling and atrocious typography. Also, the title is stupid and the theme is absurd.

Quoted, without editing:

ARE YOU BARREN AND DISGUSTED?? OR BIRTH CONTROLING AND BUSTED?? THESE QUESTIONS IS >ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT CHAPTERS IN THIS BOOK: > REVEALING > THE SINS OF THE CHURCHES: REVEALING: HOW *THE SINS BIRTH CONTROL IN OUR CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES AND IN THE WORLD MARRIAGES EVEN IN SINFUL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS: HAS CALLED WORLD SIN IN ADULTERY AND FORNICATING RELATIONSHIP AND FALSE CHRIST LEADERSHIP. >THE PIT OF SPIRITUAL WHOREDOM BECAME OPEN AND THE CAUSE OF ORGANIZED CRIME IN OUR GOVERNMENT AND WORLD LEADERSHIP

THE YEAR OF 1994. THE MILITARY HELP DESTROY MY MARRIAGE OF 17 YEARS. FALSE CHRIST LEADERSHIPS BEGAN TO FORM ON TELEVISION.

BECAUSE OF SPIRITUAL SEDUCING SINS. AND SPIRITUAL DARKNESS IN OUR CHURCHE LEADERSHIP.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT: BIRTH CONTROL IS ONE OF THE MAJOR REASON: WHY HUMANS HAVE FALLEN FAILED COMES COMMANDMENTS: AND NOW THEY HAVE BECOME: WARFUL AGAIN: HEARTLESS AND SINFULLY PERSECUTING CHRISTIANS AND HOLY PEOPLE IN MANY COUTRIES. ** SINFULLY STARTING PERSECUTIONS AND RACISM: THROUGH EMPLOYMENT DISCRIMINATIONS. **RESULTING IN GREED AND EVIL: EVEN WORLD WHOREDOM: CAUSING > HOMOSEXUAL AND GAY SINS: USING THE MEDIA OF TELEVISION, THE INTERNET WIDE WORLD WEBSITES AND RADIO SATANIC WORSHIP.

MY FIRST CHRISTIAN BOOK: ASK THE QUESTIONS:

ARE YOU BARREN AND DISGUSTED?? OR> . BIRTHCONTROLING AND BUSTED?? >REMINDING THE WORLD: > ONE IS A SIN AND THE OTHER IS A CURSE OR PERSECUTION!!

JESUS SAID: YOU CANNOT SERVE TWO MASTERS: BECAUSE > YOU WILL LEARN TO HATE ONE! > AND LOVE THE OTHER!! **

WOMEN AND CHRISTIAN MARRAIGES ON BIRTH CONTROL HAVE LEARN TO HATE HAVING CHILDREN: AND LOVE LIVING WITHOUT THEM. *CAUSING WORK DISCRIMINATIONS AGAINST WOMEN WHO DO HAVE SMALL CHILDREN. AND CAUSING DISCRIMINATIONS: AGAINST OUR CHILDRENS FUTURE BY STARTING WARS AND BY WRITING LAWS AGAINST SCHOOL PROSPERITY.

MY AUTHOR NAME IS: MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON: I AM A HOLYSPIRIT ANOINTED CHOSEN DISCIPLE OF GOD AND CHRIST JESUS. NAMED TO BE A ANOINTED APOSTLE TEACHER BY THE VOICE OF GOD: TO HELP CALLED THE TRUE CHRISTIAN CHURCH INTO TRUE ETERNAL LIFE SALVATION IN JOHN 3:16. THIS BOOK IS DIRECTED BY GODS HOLYSPIRIT VOICE: ALSO BASE ON THE HOLY COMMANDMENTS: EXODUS 20:13 THOU SHALT NOT KILL, GENESIS 1:26-31 GO INCREASE, MULTIPLY AND TAKE DOMINIONSHIP OVER ALL THINGS. AND 1TIMOTHY 2;15 *THE WOMEN WILL BE SAVED IN CHILD BEARING YEARS: IF SHE CONTINUES: WITH FAITH, CHARITY AND HOLINESS. *ALSO REVELATIONS 2 & 3:*GOD IS ASKING THE CHURCHES TO REPENT OF ALL THEIR> SINS: AND TO RESTORE THE TRUE CHURCH BACK INTO GOD EVER LASTING COMMANDMENTS. * GOD HAS CALLED AND CHOSEN: ELIYZABETH TO HELP SAVED THE WORLD AND CHURCH FROM THE FALSE CHRIST TEACHINGS. *THROUGH THIS BOOK HOLYSPIRIT PRAYERS: AND HOLYSPIRIT TEACHINGS: YOU WILL AND CAN FIND TRUE SALVATION IN GOD AND CHRIST JESUS: JOHN 3:3-16 THIS HOLYSPIRIT BOOK OF REPENTANCE AND REMEMBER OF THE WORDS AND COMMANDMENTS OF GOD: WILL HELP YOU BECOME A TRUE: BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN: JOHN 3:3-16 REMEMBER: JESUS SAID: YOU MUST BE BORN AGAIN: OF THE WATER AND OF THE SPIRIT . GOD HAS DIRECTED*ELIYZABETH HOLYSPIRIT WRITINGS IN THIS BOOK TO HELP ALL>UNDERSTAND GODS SALVATION CALLS!! GOD HAS DIRECTED THIS BOOK TO HELP ALL WHO SEEK TO BE OBEDIENT TO GODS HOLY COMMANDMENTS: EVEN OVERCOME ALL FALSE CHRIST TEACHINGS: THROUGH REPENTENCE & RESTORATION: GIVING GODS TITHES BACK INTO THE HOLYSPIRIT LEADERSHIP: STARTING WITH: THIS BOOK OF HOLYSPIRIT SERVANT: MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON: WHEN YOU GIVE TO MY HOLYSPIRIT DISCIPLESHIP: YOU CAN BE SURE YOUR ETERNAL LIFE AND NAME WILL BE WRITTEN IN THE LAMBS BOOK OF LIFE. **SUPPORT GODS HOLYSPIRIT GOALS: THROUGH THIS HOLYSPIRIT BOOK WITH YOUR CHRISTIAN CHARITY

This book has attracted a huge number of reviews on Amazon.com, mostly from people who have never read the book, but just want to be part of the fun. Here are some (unedited) examples:

(1) Well,I'm very grateful I came across this book. I was going to do the 'sensible' thing and plan my family according to my income,health and emotional issues,but now I realise I was wrong & sinful for wanting to have a 'manageable' number of kids.Unfortunately my spouse likes to do the wild thing a LOT and I now have 20 of God's little miracles to feed.Thankfully,I've been able to take a rest from my marital obligations lately as he's either left me or I've lost him under the pile of nappies.A shame,really,as permanently being in maternity clothes makes dressing choices in the morning SO much easier.Oh,well,the nappies come in handy for my untreated obstetric fistula.

We're now living under a bridge,& I can no longer afford my anti-pychotic medication but God will provide.Especially as we're planning on eating little Arthur on Tuesday.If I sell Becky to the knackers we'll have food til Thursday.Now,excuse me,I must go.Eustace is near the drain hole poking something nasty with a stick and the blue goblins are telling me to drown Egibald.Which is insane.Eugenia is the one that has to go.Anyway,this book is a godsend for those days I feel inexplicably depressed & can't connect to my children.Probably just need to pray more.Eustace! I told you! Put that stick down now! You don't know where that dead body has been!!

My one criticism is that the font is small and hard to read by candlelight. Other than that,it's a brilliant book.Thick enough to kill the cockroaches . . . .

(2) Despite being written entirely in BLOCK CAPITALS, this self-published work conveys its message elegantly. In fact, you don't even need to read it to understand the main argument being put forward.

True, by avoiding this book you will miss out on the precise location of the heretical surfboard worshipped by the British royal family and the sinister significance of Abe Lincoln's unholy quadrille. You will also miss out on the explanation of why the Hairy-Eared Dwarf Lemur is really God's own tree-dwelling angel-on-earth and on the coded instructions showing how to grow a prize-winning mushroom, which the author cunningly gleaned from a close textural analysis of St. Paul's third birthday card to the Corinthians.

That aside, my big problem with this book is that the 'birth control is sinful' message is difficult for most regular-looking people to put into practice. I wonder if this lack of guidance is down to the author's own sexual inexperience brought about by her scary fanaticism and a face that would scare a dog out of a butcher's shop.

(3) That's right kids. Don't be doing the sex thing. But if you are be doing the sex thing, don't be taking no pills or putting no rubber things on your ding dong to prevent god's babies.

After all, we need more crazy people to write more nonsense like this.

(4) I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THAT SEX IS NAUGHTY! AND MY GRAMMAR TEACHER DOESN'T REALLY MATTER BECAUSE I CAN MAKE A BOOK BY USING TYPO'S. THE BOOK REALLY MADE ME BELIEVE THAT SEX WASN'T MADE FOR PLEASURE BUT FOR BABIES. THEN GOD MUST HAVE REALLY FUDGED UP WHEN SHE MADE THE CLITORIS WHICH IS AN ORGAN COMPLETLY MADE FOR ONE THING...PLEASURE? WHICH SEX IS NOT ABOUT AT ALL BUT BABIES. ONLY SMELLY BABIES WHO WILL SERVE GOD IF I TEACH HIM ABOUT GOD....THIS BOOK HAS TAUGHT ME THAT I WILL MAKE SURE MY CHILDREN ARE RAISED THE RIGHT WAY TO HATE THEIR BODIES AND EVENTUALLY BECOME SO SEXUALLY REPRESSED THEY RIGHT A BOOK THAT NO PUBLISHING COMPANY WILL PUBLISH SO YOU SELL IT FOR 150 DOLLARS RETAIL.

AFTER READING THIS LIFE-CHANGING BOOK, I WANTED TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE BLOCK CAP. I WILL DO SO, HOWEVER, WITHOUT IT.

(5) The only thing that bothers me about the author's choice of capital letters is the fact that "block cap" sounds like a form of birth control. While I felt the author waffled on the issue of weather or not using said methods were allowable in the Christian faith, the one thing she makes clear is that this book is worth all 138,000 pennies. If you note, the book is on sale (for a steal) from $150; I don't know why you wouldn't act now!

The thing that speaks to me is the author's choice of blue background with MS Paint style picture editing - simply genius! When reading this book in church or on a subway, everyone around you will know how serious you are by the cover alone (refer to my all capital letters point before). If anyone would like to contact me with questions before buying this book (like how much it will change your life forever, does Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson the author answer your letters of admiration, or if you would be better off just not using a cockbag) please email.

(6) I HAD A SIT DOWN CONVERSATION WITH THE MAGIC MAN IN THE SKY WHO TELLS US IF WE HAVE SEX FOR FUN, WE'LL ALL DIE AND BE BURNED IN A LAKE OF BOILING LAVA FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND WE'LL BE IN UNBEARABLE AGONY FOREVER, TORTURED BEYOND BELIEF. But he loves us!

So talk to the Flying Spaghetti Monster instead! He'll let you have sex for fun. So will the Invisible Pink Unicorn.

(7) Am I astounded by the psychotic sentence structure and "logic" of this book? Not at all. Deranged ideas, such as cranking out babies to increase the number of people who can be converted to your religious beliefs, deserve deranged presentation. Ms. Strong-Anderson is far more honest in her presentation than some others who oppose birth control on similar grounds.

ARE THE BLOCK CAPITALS OFF-PUTTING OR OVERLY DISTRACTING??? no, i don't find them so.

What? about the odd, and dis-jointed use of: punctuation?!? No, again, crazy is as crazy does.

The utter religious lunacy? Folks, I live in Topeka with a bunch of Phelpses. I see crazier and more hateful stuff than this on the street corners every day.

Here's the part I find truly offensive: that someone would have the unmitigated hubris required to think that this mound of verbiage deserves a price tag of one-hundred and thirty eight dollars. The only thing that would make me angrier than that is if there is some fool somewhere who actually gave this person money.

(8) I honestly don't know if this is a joke or not... Someone help me out here? Is this a gag, or what?

(9)There have been many incisive commentaries written here. But, curiously, they all omit the sine qua non of Ms. Strong-Anderson's talents as a writer: her mastery of both definite and indefinite articles. In the title itself, we, the readers, are told that Birth Control is Sinful in *the* Christian Marriages (emphasis mine). Not "in Christian Marriages", "in many Christian Marriages", or even "in most Christian Marriages". No, none of that for Strong-Anderson, who is clear that it is happening in THE Christian Marriages. We are naturally led to ask: yes, but WHICH?

That seemingly wee question leads the reader on a journey through prophylaxis, fertilization, betrothal, implantation (or lack thereof), larceny, theology, and much else besides. Including subtle omissions -- and commissions -- of English articles of various sorts. If you've ever wondered, even in your quietest moments, exactly in which Christian Marriages birth control is robbing God of priesthood children, this book was written with you in mind.

I bought your reasonably priced book, and it has been a gift from God. My children were fornicating unsuccessfully for years, but once they read this piece of magic they stopped instantly. They didn't even need to open it - the cover alone scared them back to the straight and narrow. Now the priesthood has two new children to fornicate with. That is what she meant, right?

I love you MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG and I DESIRE MUCH to make PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN with you. Christian power forever!

(10) I love this book. It has so many uses.

In the summer I can use it to hold the door open and in the winter to hold it closed. It's is weighty enough that I can use it to press my trousers, when placed in the window next to my front door, it scares off the door-to-door salesmen, thanks to the cheery faced Medusa on the cover.

If I'm hot I can fan myself and if cold, I can burn it. At the bargain price of $135 I can resell it and buy something I might want to read.

The inside pages can be removed to make into a paper mache mask, and the cover is good for crushing spiders.

As for the book's message? If I looked like the woman on the cover, I would never have to worry about birth control ever again.

Sarah Palin personally recommended this book to me. She gave it five stars. One for each kid.

(11) There are times in your life when you encounter the equivalent of a train wreck. You find something that is so excruciatingly awful that it transcends that awfulness and becomes a source of amusement and, dare I say, entertainment. Seeing 'Plan Nine From Outer Space," or its modern counterpart, "Battlefield Earth," has this effect. At first you are shocked at the awfulness of the thing. Then you question it, is this a put-on, some sort of gag? Finally you realize that it really is just as supremely horrible as you had first suspected, but knowing this, you settle in for the long haul, reveling in the sheer masochistic joy that only comes from exposure to the sublimely asinine. Such is the case with this rare tome. Here is a woman who is clearly several bananas short of a fruit cocktail, a woman with a world-view that has only a passing acquaintance with reality, a woman who feels with absolute certainty that she is the designated mouthpiece of an almighty deity. She has taken one small part of her twisted world-view and took the time to write a book on the subject. She sums up the book entirely in its title, and yet feels the necessity to devote hours and perhaps days to pointless reiteration and abstraction of these concepts. Having completed this herculean task, she takes this text file, sans correction, and has the audacity to market it for one hundred thirty five freaking dollars! One can only marvel at the sheer egotism of this woman, to not only be God's appointed mouthpiece, but also to expect to profit so outrageously from God's given word. This is to the printed word what John Daker is to song. It is every bit as much a lunatic rant as the works of the late Francis E. Dec, but not nearly as entertaining, and with a much heftier price tag. It is also, in its way, terribly cliched, since Francis E. Dec and many others have already paved the way with their pioneer works of caps-locked, arbitrarily-punctuated, randomly portmanteaued babblings. This is just a more current example, and not nearly as much fun.