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Love & Relationships

While it’s possible to be “friends with benefits,” the aspects of a personality that make a good friend are probably not the same things that mean someone will be a good mate.

I failed at converting female friends into lovers three times in my life. Two of those friends turned out to be lesbians, so maybe they don’t count.

Lesson: It’s very difficult to convert friendship into romance.

Your mate will probably ask for your preference (e.g.: Do you want Italian dressing or Caesar dressing? Do you prefer this carpeting or that carpeting?).

Lesson: Even if you don’t have a preference, just make a selection—quickly.

True happiness is not having to share a bathroom. I’ve had my own john in three homes since 1975. I can leave the seat up and I don’t encounter female chemicals or clothes. It’s the only way to live. If at all possible, DO NOT share a bathroom.

Lessons: (1) If you have to share, take your stuff out with you or conceal it from your mate. (2) Men—put down the toilet seat. (3) Women—if he doesn’t, you can do it.

New Haven’s Hillhouse High School was about half black and half white in the early 1960s, with a tiny percentage of “other.”

Although homerooms and gym classes contained a wide mix of kids, the actual classes where we spent most of our time and got to know classmates and make friends were highly homogenous.

The division system led to separation by race, religion and income rather than pure potential. Some smart kids who probably could’ve done well in college and beyond were directed to blue-collar training and occupations. The kids in the “college” divisions were overwhelmingly white and Jewish (like me).

The separation within Hillhouse prevented many friendships (and probably some weddings) from happening. There were maybe 600 kids in our class, but how many did we each know? 10? 30? 50?

How many opportunities were lost? How many intellectual and economic alliances were not formed? How many loves did not bloom? We’ll never know.

There were many barriers to relationships then that no longer exist. Now kids can date kids of different races, or the same gender, and the boy doesn't have to be older and taller than the girl.

Lesson: Widen your horizons.

Fart appreciation is a gender issue. Men are proud of their farts. Women are embarrassed. When men are without women, even if they are in their 60s, they still act like they are six years old and they love to out-stink each other—even if they are in the corporate boardroom and wearing $5,000 custom suits.

Kids know that farts are funny. When we’re young, we all like to blow ass bubbles in the bathtub or the pool. Fart sounds are so cool that we make fake fart sounds, and we buy gadgets that make fake fart sounds and fake fart smells. There are even recommendations online for “fart foods.”

But by a certain age we are taught to hold back our farts, and not even to laugh at farts. That’s sad.

I think we should have one day each year when nobody is embarrassed to fart. A national “Freedom to Fart Day” is no more ridiculous than “Talk like a Pirate Day.” Aaargh!

Farting is a very natural activity. Even presidents and popes and police chiefs fart. Presumably Jackie Kennedy and Michelle Obama have farted in the White House. If we never farted, we’d be in big trouble. We’d explode from the build-up of ass gas pressure.

College freshmen with nothing better to do hang around the dorm and light farts through their jeans or even through tubes stuck in their asses. Or they eat lots of baked beans and cabbage and drive around in an enclosed car for a while and then open the window to gross-out an unsuspecting cop.

I don’t think the ladies of America engage in these activities. They might not even think they’re funny.

Lesson: Farts are funny.

Michael’s Alternate Victory Plan

Forget about compromise decisions. If one of you wants black walls in a room and one of you wants white walls, and you get gray walls, neither of you will have what you want. You’ll both be pissed off when you enter the room.

Try alternate victories. Let your mate make some unilateral decisions, and try to ignore the paint, carpet, car, vacation destination and furniture that you hate. Then you make some unilateral decisions, and you’ll get to enjoy your personal victories.

Overall, life together will be a compromise, and that’s nice.

Warning: My alternate victory plan doesn’t apply to everything. It’s probably best that you agree on the city and the house you live in and on kids’ names. My father let my mother pick my middle name. I hated the name for many years and I wish he didn’t give in.

•School reunions are annoying for mates who did not go to the school.

•Don’t expect to cure a bad relationship by adding children or pets to the family. The new addition may make the relationship worse—not better—and the kid or pet will suffer.

•Don’t expect your mate to want to hear about your previous relationships, or to meet your old flames or to like the fact that you’re communicating with them on Facebook.

•Don’t expect ‘round-the-clock romance.

•Don’t have bad breath, but nicely warn your mate about bad breath.

•It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich person as a poor person. In fact, it’s easier.

•It’s better to get a positive result on a Wassermann test than to have never loved at all.

•One big difference between living together and being married is that married men don’t try to hold farts in, or leave the room to fart.

•The number-one cause of divorce is marriage.

•Even if you think your love will last forever, get a pre-nup.

•If you plan to live with your lover, have a written agreement for sharing expenses, and maybe even for household chores.

•Don’t cheat unless you don’t care if your mate finds out and throws you out.

•Warning your mate about a grooming infraction such as an open zipper or mismatched shoes requires a mix of helpfulness and humor. Don’t make your mate feel stupid, but don’t let him or her go out looking bad.

•It’s good to divide up household chores but you can win extra points by doing some work not on your own list.

•When you start a household make a list of things you want to get or do right away and things you can wait for. Put the list where you can easily see it. Check off what is completed and add, remove or shift items as their importance changes.

•Wants may become needs, and vice versa. When we got married in 1971 Marilyn and I figured we would buy a headboard right away. We finally got one 32 years later.

•The best way to keep a house clean is to keep cleaning it.

•Try to keep your home neat. You should never be reluctant to open your door for an unexpected visitor.

•It’s OK to have a Shit Room or Shit Closet to hide stuff in.

•Listen to your mate, or at least give a convincing imitation of listening.

•When away from home overnight call at least once a day and buy presents for mate and children. When you get home, act excited to be home.

•Don’t nag. Don’t yell. Don’t interrupt.

•“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” (Stephen Stills)

•You won’t be able to change her or him. So shut up or split up.

•Get out of the house. Have dates, even inexpensive or free dates.

•Remember that “this, too, shall pass.” Don’t ruin your relationship over something stupid and insignificant.

•While it’s important to share, be respectful of your mate’s scissors, pen, stapler, laptop, car, etc. Ask before borrowing, don’t break it, and return it promptly and not empty.

•If you share a car, try to keep it neat, bring it home with gas in the tank and keep track of the keys.

•Divide responsibilities. If there are subjects you don’t want to get involved in or which are likely to cause unpleasant arguments, put your mate in charge (unless you fear the outcome). I let my wife make all the decisions about insurance, landscaping and hotel reservations.

•Give frequent compliments.

How can a 15-, 16-, or 17-year-old pick a spouse that will be right at age 30, 40, 50 or 60? I’m amazed at people who marry their high school sweethearts. I’m more amazed if they are still married 20 or 40 years later. How can a 16-year-old choose a 60-year-old spouse?

Strangely, it seems to work. The divorce rate in the USA for people married when they’re under 20 is much lower than those who get married when they’re between 20 and 24.

(below) Eighteenth-century writer Samuel Johnson declared that second marriages are “the triumph of hope over experience.” The more often you’ve married, the more likely you are to have a divorce. The divorce rate for third marriages in the United States is over 70%.

I never mail anything. I hate the mail. Mail doesn’t work for me. I can’t cope with mail. If something can’t be phoned, faxed, emailed, FedEx’d, or UPS’d, it just doesn’t go. My desks have stacks of stuff that should have been mailed weeks, months or even years ago.

My wife has learned not to ask me to mail anything. I pump out faxes and email all day long; but things she asked me to put in the mailbox are still stuffed above the visor in my car. They’ll stay there until she reads this.

Nevertheless, it is often necessary for me to send out cards for birthdays and other events. For $19.99 per year (or $29,99 for two years or $3.99 per month) American Greetings allows me to easily send electronic cards to anyone who has an email address.

There is a huge selection. Many cards have animation and sound, and you can customize cards with your own text and artwork. You can also print cards on your PC printer or arrange for American Greetings to mail a card out for you.

The company will even remind you in advance to send out cards and you can schedule deliveries up to a year in advance.