Читать книгу Two Men In a Car (A Businessman, a Chauffeur, and Their Holidays in France) - Mike Buchanan - Страница 4

INTRODUCTION

‘What we need is rest’, said Harris.

‘Rest and a complete change’, said George. ‘The overstrain upon our brains has produced a general depression throughout the system. Change of scene, and absence of the necessity for thought, will restore the mental equilibrium.’

Jerome K Jerome Three Men in a Boat (1889)

I was reading the Victorian classic Three Men in a Boat in July 2007, when the above passage leapt from the page. My second wife and I had separated two weeks earlier and my spirits were very low. ‘Rest and a complete change’ were exactly what I needed, I realised. And why not go the whole hog, and adopt the continental habit of holidaying for the month of August?

The destination country was never in doubt. I’d holidayed many times in France over the years, and always had a wonderful time. I spoke the language moderately well and had rarely found the French to be anything other than helpful and polite. Maybe the two matters were related.

Should I go alone, or with company? My friends were already committed to their own summer holidays. And then Paul Carrington happened to drop by for a cup of tea. Strong English breakfast tea, obviously, as was his custom. Paul was – and is – a self-employed chauffeur, and I had used his services on a number of occasions. He’s a loud cheerful optimistic character, with firm opinions on every subject under the sun. He always reminds me of the stand-up comedian Al Murray’s creation, ‘The Pub Landlord’.

It suddenly occurred to me that a holiday with Paul might ‘restore the mental equilibrium’. I put a proposal to him, and in a matter of moments he’d agreed to accompany me on the holiday, and to help with a number of the chores. So I’d have a month’s holiday in France with an amiable companion, and less of the drudgery that comes with self-catering and driving around such a large country.

Now Paul and I couldn’t be more different, and I wasn’t altogether sure we’d get on well for as long as a month. Nor was he, I imagine. The extent of our differences, once we’d worked them out – Table 0.1 – surprised us both. But we are alike with respect to our firm optimism about the future, regardless of past experiences. This might help explain our combined total of five ex-wives.

Doubtless some people will consider me sexist for celebrating attractive women in this book, but I really couldn’t care less. If a beautiful woman, French or otherwise, smiles and thereby makes the world a slightly happier place for me – an overweight myopic diabetic 50-year-old single man with high blood pressure – she deserves to be mentioned in my book. And if she’s a waitress, to be given a decent tip.

I’ve long enjoyed the finer things in life, especially fine food and wine. In the past two or three years I’ve enjoyed sublime meals at two of the best restaurants in England. Raymond Blanc’s Le Manoir aux Quat’ Saisons (to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday), and Heston Blumenthal’s The Fat Duck (a generous 48th birthday present from my second wife). Paul chauffeured on both occasions, so I was free to drink more than my customary single small glass of wine. I’ve kept the menus from both meals, and they’re reproduced in the appendices. Both restaurants are expensive – of course – but terrific value for money. Go if you can. You really do only live once.

Which brings me naturally on to one of the great comic writers of our times, John Mortimer, creator of the immortal Rumpole of the Bailey. At the time I’m writing this (February 2009) he had only recently died, at the age of 85. He managed to work both as a barrister and as a writer. Starting his writing at 5am may have helped. Mortimer had an admirable philosophy of life, and coined the term ‘champagne socialist’ to describe himself. Surely the only socialist ever to hold down two demanding jobs at a time. Most socialists can’t manage even one demanding job, in my limited experience. And as for 5am starts . . .

One of the great bons viveurs of his generation, Mortimer once announced, ‘I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.’

I suggest we all take Mortimer’s philosophy on board and prize quality of life over length of life. Let’s stop trying to be immortal. Let’s celebrate our good fortune at living in Britain in the early 21st century, and having France as our closest neighbour. And let’s follow the biblical instruction – St Luke, ch.12, v.6, if my memory serves me right – to take our ease, eat, drink, and be merry.

TABLE 0.1 – THE BUSINESSMAN AND THE CHAUFFEUR

	MIKE BUCHANAN	PAUL CARRINGTON
Background	Solidly middle class. Father worked in the Foreign Office. Public school, university, career with blue-chip organisations. Has run a consultancy since 1999. Author.	Solidly working class. Brought up on a houseboat in Stanground, near Peterborough. Left school at 16, worked in brickworks, the Army, security. Self-employed chauffeur since 1983.
Age	50	57
Health and physical attributes, current marital status	5’9’’ tall, 235 lbs (107 kg). Highly unfit and averse to physical effort of any kind, hence his chauffeur, cleaner and gardener. This, combined with his fondness for good food and wine, has led to him being overweight for many years. Myopic and diabetic. Currently single, surprisingly.	6’1’’ tall, 210 lbs (94 kg). Interested in keeping fit even after suffering several lung collapses due to emphysema. 5th Dan in the martial art Moo-duk-kwan-tang-soo-do. Six false teeth, and psoriasis on his head. Currently single, surprisingly.
Marital record and children	Two ex-wives (British). Two daughters, Sarah Mercedes (23) and Kerry Portia (22).	Three ex-wives (Yugoslavian, Italian, Ugandan), three children, Louise (37), James (35) and Kristien (33).
Personality	An introvert until the wine kicks in. Tries to respect opposing views to his, on complex issues. Invariably fails. Relishes variety and the finer things in life.	An extrovert, and highly opinionated. People call him arrogant, he prefers ‘over confident’. A creature of habit, even with respect to his choice of biscuits.
Politics	Right-wing except on law and order issues.	Left-wing except on law and order issues, where he’s to the right of the Taliban. Hanging is invariably ‘too good for ‘em’.
Daily newspaper	The Daily Telegraph.	The Express, occasionally The Sun.
Favourite magazine	The Economist.	Bike (a motorcycling magazine).
Interest in sports	Interest limited to ladies’ tennis – especially the Russian and East European players – and ladies’ beach volleyball. The latter is rarely seen in Bedford, the town being a long distance from the sea.	Very interested in many sports.
Interest in fine food and wine	Substantial. Drinks comme un trou (‘like a hole’) as the French say. Helps makes life under the current Labour administration a little more bearable.	None. Has rarely been known to drink more than one glass of wine in a day.
Leisure pursuits	Live guitar-based music, reading, comedy, travelling in France. A good guitar owner.	Live guitar-based music, exercising, motorcycling. A good guitar player.
Attitude towards France and the French	Lifelong admirer of France, the French, their food, wine, language and . . . well, almost everything, to be honest.	Before the first holiday: ‘I love France, but I hate the French.’ After the second: ‘I love the southern half of France, which is scenic and warm, and the French people, but I’m not a fan of French food.’