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If the word ‘style’ is daunting to you because you feel like you have none, you’re wrong. So many people tie style and fashion together, but they’re two different things. Fashion is what is available to you, it’s what a third party has designed with current trends in mind. Style is how you interpret the fashion that you encounter. Whether you feel you have a style or not, every item of clothing you choose is just that—a choice—and those choices build your unique style. That style should be something that excites you (which is probably why you’re reading this book), so what you gravitate towards is good to keep in mind while shopping for your new style. If you live in leggings and sweatshirts but keep buying button-down shirts because you think they’re what you should be wearing, you’ll end up back in that sweatshirt by Friday.
Who Are You?
We may as well get the hardest question out of the way first, I suppose. Who are you? Don’t answer me, I can’t actually hear you, but metaphorically speaking—do you know who you are? I had a really hard time with this one. We’re thrown so quickly from school into adulthood that there’s very little time to get to know ourselves, which is why I think many of us feel so lost in our thirties.
I’ll start you off with who I am.
I had my daughter when I was nineteen. At an age when I should have been footloose and fancy-free, I was struggling to find maternity clothes that didn’t look like they belonged to my mother. Let me tell you…bump-dressing has come a long way since then! I basically lived in linen trousers with a stretchy waistband and spandex vest tops. I looked like a very uncool member of The Backstreet Boys. I’d never been super body confident and had no particular style that I gravitated towards at that point, so I embraced middle-aged-mum-chic until my daughter, Ella, was about two years old.
Aside from having no idea what clothes I wanted to wear, I didn’t know myself yet. I hadn’t had enough life experience to know what I wanted from it, and once I had a baby, it felt a lot like my path was already set out for me. Looking back at this with a decade of hindsight, I can see that I clearly separated my mum/family self and my young/fun self. I had my routine during the week, and then on a Saturday night (babysitter willing), I went out with my friends and was a regular twentysomething with no responsibilities. I was compartmentalising the different areas of my life. I think I was protecting my ‘me me’ from my ‘mum me’ so as not to lose myself completely. At the time, I thought my struggle was only that of a teen mum, but I’ve since realised that this is not an age-specific battle.
A lot of women struggle with the weight of motherhood. Transitioning from a pregnant version of your regular self to Mum without feeling any different at all is impossible. But you can find your way back to someone you recognise after such a life-changing event—it just isn’t going to happen overnight. Some throw themselves into their new parenting job so entirely that they forget they are separate entities from their children. When those children then grow up and need them less, these women have a hard time adjusting to life in some role other than that of a mother. Others are so focused on not being swallowed up by parenthood that they try to retrieve their former lifestyle too quickly. This can result in major ‘mummy guilt,’ coupled with resentment that they can no longer squeeze into their favourite skinny jeans. It’s hard to know who you are as a woman after becoming a mum. From all angles, we’re being told what is and isn’t appropriate, and that ‘advice’ is changing constantly. Is going back to work empowering, or am I abandoning my children? What’s the current feminist temperature?
If I do go back to work, what do I wear? Is there an etiquette once you have kids? Do I want to be a yummy mummy? Is that still a thing? Or is it all knee-length skirts and no cleavage now? What if I stay home? Am I expected to look frumpy, or do we dress up for playgroup? What about those lycra-clad mums at the school gates? Is that appropriate, or are we judging them? Should I be wearing lycra? Should I have gone back to the gym already? It is a minefield!
My youngest, Milo, is now seven and I’m still wondering if I should be making more effort to regain my pre-baby body…only in my case, that body was eighteen, and my thirty-two-year-old body is tired just thinking about it.
Mum guilt is real, folks. In fact, Lily Allen included a track on her album entitled Three that had me in floods of tears the first time I heard it. The gist is that the child doesn’t understand why mummy is always working, and it perfectly encapsulates how I think many women feel after having kids, whether it’s while returning to work, chasing a dream, or just taking an extra-long bath. That being said, you could have kept that one to yourself, Lil! A bit too on the nose. Once Milo was in school full time, I started accepting more opportunities that took me away from home. I was pursuing something for myself that I suppose could be seen as selfish, but if I had a traditional job with long hours or that required travel, wouldn’t I feel just as guilty? I would use the ‘if I were a man’ example, but I know that my husband feels his own ‘Dad guilt’ from the number of hours he spends sword fighting while watching Peter Pan on Saturday mornings. I’m not ready to concede that he feels as bad as I do, but I don’t think it’s quite the male/female divide it’s been in the past.
Maybe you’re not a mum (and maybe I’ve just confirmed your lifestyle choice), but age can have just as significant an impact on your self-confidence. I wasn’t concerned about turning thirty because I’ve felt thirty-five since I was twenty-one, but I see my peers melting down over this milestone birthday. All. The. Time. Maybe you have a bucket list to get through in your twenties and you’re not there yet, maybe you’re scared of looking older, or maybe you’re already worried that people are thinking your skirt is too short for a woman ‘of your age’. Whatever the reason, let me assure you that your thirties will not be as scary as you think. I know you’ve heard it all before, but confidence does not come easily to the young. One of the biggest advantages of growing older is caring considerably less about what other people think of you. It’s not a switch that is flipped, and I still have my wobbles from time to time, but I can say with absolute certainty that I never worry about what anyone else thinks of my outfit choices anymore. Whether I’m smartly dressed for a meeting or in leggings and a sweatshirt on the school run, I do not care. My children care a little, but we’ll get into that later.
So, who are you, and why is that important? Most of us are trying to emulate someone else when it comes to style. Whether it be a celebrity or a mannequin in a store, you’ve been inspired to buy that outfit by something or someone other than yourself. In my early twenties, I flip-flopped between Jessica Simpson (thanks to the show Newlyweds, the DVDs of which are now my prized possession) and Lauren Conrad. LC was definitely more of a realistic icon, but still, both all-American girls with very different lifestyles from this Northern English lass. I’m going to talk in more depth about where to find inspiration as well as the impact of social media later on (and I’ll try and dig out a few photos for you of my celeb-inspired phases), but for now, I want you to get a clear picture of who you think you are before we really start the process. If it helps, here’s a snapshot of the current me:
Married, thirty-two, works part time, two kids in school, one dog at home, writes a blog; enjoys lipstick, trips to the cinema, and ‘comfort dressing;’ has finally accepted that ‘mum’ isn’t a derogatory label, still wants to look like Jessica Simpson or Lauren Conrad if at all possible.
Fifteen years ago, it would have read more like this:
In a relationship, works at Subway, lives at home, enjoys drinking, watching TV, READING (when I had the attention span to dedicate to fiction), and swapping clothes with my best friend in an attempt to get into nightclubs at which we’ve previously been denied entry.
Write a little blurb about yourself and then let’s talk about life style.
Contributors
Okay, I know it’s hard, and at this point you might already have written me off as too tough a taskmaster for what you thought would be an easy read. So, to help you out, I’ve enlisted the help of some willing participants (read: internet friends to whom I’m forever indebted) who will be sharing some snippets as we go to provide alternate examples and opinions. Style is very subjective, so it’s always useful to hear from more than one voice.
Having a child impacts everyone in a different way. I asked my contributors how their confidence was affected by motherhood…
‘I became very anxious socially, which really knocked my confidence. I actually did a video on this and how I had social anxiety being a first-time mum. Thankfully, that has changed, and I’m much better now. But when it comes to my looks, I don’t have much confidence, and I find social media makes that worse, not having a child.’
—Liza
‘It didn’t…not at all.’
—Jane
‘It affected my confidence negatively towards [my] body; however, it had a such positive affect on my confidence due to the fact I just love being a mum so much, I’m so proud of my kids every day, which gives me a huge boost.’
—Emma-Jane
‘Many ways, body wise, as I’m still carrying a good few extra pounds, meaning the jeans and clothes that really feel like me just don’t work at the moment. But beyond fashion and beauty, it’s such an overall life change that it can shake your confidence in every area of life.’
—Jen
‘After having my children, I actually felt more motivated than ever to discover Joanna. I’d always hated clothes shopping in the past, and I’ve always struggled with my weight fluctuating, so prior to children I never found any joy in clothes or getting dressed. When I went back to work after having Hugh, something changed. I cut all my hair again and really focused on getting fit. I knew I probably wasn’t going to have a third child, so I felt motivated to make sure I had time for me. I’ll be honest—I didn’t love being at home with babies—it just isn’t me. I was ready to get back to work after just three months (I was in Atlanta so barely any maternity leave was granted) and put makeup on again. I lost weight and for the first time started to enjoy buying clothes. I loved power dressing for work, and I started to explore new brands. Contrary to most, I felt my overall confidence bloom after having children. I’d achieved my goal of creating a family, and it was time to start enjoying life to the full. I took advantage of being the ‘odd English girl’ and gained the confidence to stand out instead of trying to blend in.’
—Joanna
I so identify with Joanna’s experience. I felt the same way after having my son; I realised that was it for me kids-wise and it was time to work on myself. I’ve also never wanted to stay home with my kids, and that feels like something you’re not allowed to admit. You can love your kids and still want to go to work.
I feel like there’s a name for someone who does this, but when they do, nobody is upset by it… There is! It’s ‘Dad’!
Life Style
A smooth segue from examining who you are is how you live. Your closet should match your lifestyle. Like I said earlier, I could have a closet full of beautiful clothes, but they wouldn’t necessarily fit my very casual lifestyle. You might like the idea of looking put together every single day, but some days, comfort is king, it just is. If you want to extend your swanky attire to loungewear, I will be covering that topic, but if mismatched pyjamas, greasy hair, and a face mask is your idea of evening wear—that’s cool, too.
As my friend Caz would ask when seeing a city dweller commuting to work in a fancy suit, ‘What is your life like?’ The answer will be different for everyone. Maybe you get up at noon, work in your pyjamas, and rarely leave the house. You are not going to need a huge amount of formalwear. Maybe you wear a uniform to work five days a week…a capsule wardrobe would probably suit you for your off days since you don’t need a closet full of options. Maybe you work in that dangerous ‘smart casual’ office setting where some wear a shirt and tie and others (me) push the boundaries with black jeans…you are going to benefit from this book most of all. Your wardrobe needs to work hard for you, and if you follow some of my basic guidelines, your day-to-day dressing is about to get a whole lot easier.
Budget also plays a big part here. Your specific lifestyle will only allow you so much cash to spend on a wardrobe overhaul. Don’t dive into this guide thinking of it as a shopping manual. Chances are you have some hidden gems in your closet that you’ve forgotten all about and they are going to be unearthed very soon. Very few of us have the funds to start fresh, so learning to shop your own closet is a handy tip for everyone.
If you have kids, you may have a whole new post-baby body to dress! It’s like free plastic surgery that you never asked for. Most of us have new ‘problem areas’ to contend with, some have bigger boobs (not jealous at all) or bums, others are thicker around the middle. Whatever body you have, it’s your body. Lamenting that it’s not the same as it used to be won’t change it. If you want to diet and exercise, go for it, but most people will never snap back entirely to their pre-baby selves, so the sooner you accept your new one the better.
Also, if you have kids, said kids will one day have opinions about what you wear. Did you know about this? My daughter (twelve) is embarrassed by most of my favourite outfits. I will never forget the first time she cast judgement. She was eight. I pulled out a pair of palazzo pants (okay, they’re polarising, but I liked them) in a store and said, ‘What do you think of these?’ She said, ‘They’re okay…oh wait! They’re trousers? Ugh! [pulls a face] Just don’t come to school in them.’ The idea that she’d ever care what I wore to the school run was more of a surprise than it should have been, and she’s turned her nose up at many more items since. I mean, palazzo pants, guys! They’re the ultimate item in comfort dressing. Why wouldn’t she want that for me?
My six-year-old, Milo, is very vocal about what I do with my hair. He likes his ladies to dress like ‘ladies’, so it would be dresses and ‘down hair’ all round if it were up to him. He frequently comes home with stories from school parties about who wore the prettiest dresses and which girl has the most beautiful eyes (it’s Rachel, for those wondering), and he always has an opinion about his teacher’s new hair colour. He’s also very into his own style, which I’ll talk a little more about later because it’s fascinating to me, and he’s inadvertently taught me a lot about confidence.
Your wardrobe needs to work for you. You might have an idea of what you want to look like, but try to be honest. Look in the mirror. Are you prepared to iron a shirt every day? Are you going to style your hair and wear makeup before work or school? Are you comfortable in heels? Do you have a fair-haired dog that sheds everywhere? Because if you do (as I do), an all-black wardrobe may not be smart. Try to put together a clear picture of what you realistically want to look like every day. We can throw in ‘occasion wear,’ but I’m talking about on the regular. How do you want to dress that will suit the life you actually lead in Yorkshire…not the life you want to lead on a beach in California?
Colour Analysis
Knowing your colour palette is almost as useful as knowing your size. You can pick up a dress that you love, that you know will fit and flatter your shape, but if the colour is wrong for you, it will never be quite right.
Learning your colour palette makes it easier to put together a wardrobe of cohesive items, but it can also have a huge impact on your confidence. Do you have a certain item that always gets compliments? Chances are it’s not the item, it’s you in the item. It took me years to realise that certain colours drained me and made me look tired. I would turn up to work and have people ask if I was sick. I was fine, it was the colour of my shirt!
Are You Cool or Warm?
Figuring this out will be helpful in finding your overall colour palette, but also, wearing the right temperature should make you look more radiant. Who doesn’t want that?
Here are a few ways to work out your temperature…they aren’t exhaustive, and you probably won’t tick every box, but one or two should help you:
Cool
•Next to white your skin looks pink
•Your undertones are pink/blue/red
•Absence of warmth in skin/eyes/hair
•More likely to burn in the sun1
•Veins look blue or purple in natural light
•Your foundation match is more pink
•Silver looks better against your skin
Warm
•Next to white your skin looks yellow
•Your undertones are peach/yellow/golden
•Warmth in your skin/eyes/hair
•More likely to tan in the sun
•Veins look green in natural light
•Your foundation match is more yellow
•Gold looks better against your skin
This is the first step in weeding out the colours that will flatter you the least. That’s not to say you can’t wear red if you’re cool or blue if you’re warm, but there will be a certain hue that suits you more. Maybe you wrote off yellow as ‘not for you’ after trying on a dress and really not feeling it; hopefully this will help you find your yellow.
Warm/Cool Colour Examples—Cool Is on the Bottom, Warm Is on the Top
If you don’t feel that you fit into either category, then there’s a good chance you’re neutral and the next step will be your jumping-off point.
Are You Bright, Deep, or Soft?
So now that you know your ‘temperature’, it’s time to think about the vibrancy of your colour palette. You know you should be wearing warmer pinks, but should that be a bright pink or a more muted tone? This can be tricky, and it’s incredibly subjective, but the aim of the game is to choose colours that enhance your natural colouring rather than wash you out.
A great test for this is lipstick. Aside from the fact that it can be a little jarring to see yourself in a bright colour if you’re usually a clear gloss person, does a bright lip make you glow, or is it too much? Remember, if you determined that you are warm, then that brightness needs to be a warm and bright. Put me in a cool, pastel pink and I will look ill, but a deep raspberry can really light up my face.
If lipstick isn’t your thing (or you’d rather take the traditional route), pull out some clothes, towels, blankets—whatever fabric you have in different colours—and hold them up to your face in natural light. It should be obvious which colours flatter you the most, but if you’re struggling, take some pictures and send them to your most honest friend. Their opinion may not always be welcome, but today you want the truth.
