Читать книгу Both Sides of the Fence 2: - M.T. Pope - Страница 13

Keeping Tabs

October 29^th, 2018, 9:33 A.M.

I woke up the next morning tired and depressed like never before. I didn’t have the energy to even get out of bed. I just lay there and stared at the ceiling for a couple of minutes.

Finally, I dragged myself to the bathroom and relieved my bowels. I sat on the toilet bowl and wondered how I was going to tell Mona that both my drinking and homosexual demons were calling me again. She may be able to take another round of my drinking binges, but definitely not the sleeping with men. I don’t think I could make it through another round of either myself.

After all that James put us through, I just couldn’t fathom the outcome this go-around. I often still thought about my sexual sessions with him. I couldn’t seem to get him off my mind, now that I knew his sentence in jail was about to be over.

Being in the legal field wields its benefits, so I had checked on James’ jail status every so often, just to keep tabs on him, I think. Or maybe I wanted to see him as soon as he got out.

“Fuck!” I slapped myself upside my head, trying to jar the memories from my mind.

I walked down to the kitchen and I saw Mona sitting at the table. “Hey, babe,” I said as I walked over to give her a kiss.

She got up and hugged me and squeezed me tightly. I could feel the love that now was rekindled between us.

“How are you feeling this morning?” she said as she slightly released me, looking into my eyes.

I looked at her intently and mustered up a, “Great.” It was partially true. I was feeling great. Great stress, that is. But I couldn’t let her know. She had her own shit to deal with.

“I have decided to do something that my therapist has been pushing me to do.”

“What is that?”

“I’ve decided to go visit my father and get some closure. I’ve been putting this off for a long time. I need to man up and do this.” Just hearing it coming from my own mouth made it feel so real. I just didn’t know if I could go through with it.

Mona hugged me again. “Baby, you want me to go with you?” she said, love and concern in her voice. She looked like she was back in love with me again.

“Nah, babe. I have to do this on my own. My therapist said that it’s best.” I lied about the last part. I didn’t want Mona there just in case I broke down, or broke him down, for that matter. I knew that this visit could go smooth, or it could go south for the winter. I couldn’t get Mona caught up in any of my shit again.

I got dressed, made my way to my car and headed toward my destination.

I had finally mended my relationship with my mom about five years back. I was so relieved because I needed her in my life regardless of what happened in the past, in both my life and her life.

Anyways, Mom had said my father had been sending her letters, apologizing for hurting her so. She gave me a letter, which she said was for me. I took the letter with no intentions of reading it, but I did. His sorry ass tried to say his father did the same thing to him, so that’s why he did what he did to me.

That shit didn’t sit right with me, so I talked to my therapist, and she told me that it was true indeed. She said that a lot of things parents are exposed to and go unresolved with can be passed down to their offspring. Generational curses, she called it. She went on to say that these curses can be broken if the person seeks help with a therapist, a counselor, or a spiritual leader.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. That shit meant one of my grandparents was dealing with this shit too. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to tell me that one of “my children” might have to deal with this. I prayed to God that it wouldn’t, because I didn’t think I could handle my son going through the same things.

My father gave me his address and said, if I could ever forgive him, that we could reconcile in person. At first I was like, The hell with that shit. That was five years ago, and it took me all this time to get up the courage to seal the deal.

I pulled up to the address he had given me and prepared myself mentally to make amends with him.