Читать книгу Philosophy of Women's Love. Peculiarities of women's emotional perception - Nadezhda Ushakova - Страница 3

When we are young, we are often interested in bad personalities, the good ones seem boring, too right or whatever. We don’t notice what is given from above, but we desire and crave the impossible or unconventional, the explosion of emotions and passions, even of any quality. We can ask ourselves endlessly, «Why do girls love bad boys?» The answer is, «Probably because they are lively, unpredictable and interesting,» except that this interest sometimes turns out to be tragedy or an irreparable mistake.

Marina was young and beautiful, as they say «ripe peach», she looked at her men, she was the envy of many peers, and her father – a real colonel. Marina walked dressed up doll, it would seem – live and enjoy it, but you want the spice of life, a taste of adrenaline and problems. She was lazy and uninterested in studying, although she was briefly pushed into the institute for a bribe, she did not want to work either, she wanted to have fun, fall in love, relax…

But here fate was not going to hurt Marina, gave her a handsome, intelligent guy who fell in love with her whole-heartedly. Andrew met his girlfriend with flowers almost every day, people talked about them «beautiful couple», it would seem – what more do you need? So almost a year passed. Andrew was called into the army, seeing him off was sad with a long goodbye and an oath, with a promise to wait and love each other. In honor of such a sad event, Marina planted a flower in a pot as a sign of parting and devotion, the bigger the flower, the closer the meeting will be. Andrew went to serve and began writing to his girlfriend almost every day, but Marina was only enough for two months. She answered her letters less and less frequently, and then she stopped writing altogether, not that she didn’t want to. She met another prominent guy who had just returned from the border guards, and that’s how it all began. The flower gradually wilted, and with it the memory of Andrew.

A brave soldier named Sasha wanted to embrace the immensity, have time for everything, and enjoy the pleasures of life. With an addiction to alcohol and noisy entertainment, as well as an alcoholic father, Marina’s new friend decided after all the hard work of the army to have a good rest, and the girl was not bored with him. Every night she began with a call from Sasha at the entertainment center, asking her to pick him up or pay off her debt for the booze. She would drop everything, go to him, literally drag him out of the cafe or restaurant, bring him home, followed by unrestrained sex and a lot of emotions, passion, and clarification of relations. Marina was glad that with him she could afford everything: smoke, swear, walk naked, even go out on the balcony like that, have all kinds of sex you can think of, and not think about anything. It seemed like happiness: to live, to enjoy life, to absorb pleasure and to dissolve in it. But, as you know, viciousness does not lead to good: unexpectedly there was a pregnancy, about which Marina learned too late. If her parents only knew in what state was conceived their future grandson! At first they thought it was love – another whim of their daughter, until the consequences began to show. It was time to meet Sasha’s parents; the unequal relationship was obvious, but nothing could be done. Sasha’s mother was a laborer, her father was an alcoholic, and Marina’s father was a colonel, her mother a medical worker. The young people got married, and in four months Marina was due to give birth. What a birth it was… The baby could not be revived for a long time: bluish, breathless, at the very last moment it only began to show signs of life. It was too late to cry, although Marina burst into tears, having felt the maternal instinct for the first time, she scolded herself, cursed in her heart and repented. The baby was born all sick, and the young mother’s milk was not enough. After some time with a restless daughter, parents soon went to the Ukraine, leaving Marina in Siberia in-laws. The father of our heroine received the rank of general.

After some time began a real nightmare. Family drinkers are not like regular families, there is a different mentality. Drinking father-in-law and drinking husband did not give peace neither Marina, nor the little child. Money was constantly lacking, breast milk is lost completely, the child was fed as they have to. A month later, the baby was covered with allergic crusts (diathesis), was nervous and did not sleep well, screaming for no reason. Marina was on the brink of despair. When strength was no longer available, the young mother began to arrange a «dark» baby, wrapping his head in a blanket, shaking him at breakneck speed, as if playing on a swing, and the child gradually softened, fell asleep. Then Marisha cried on the phone to her parents for a long time, that she could not go on, that she missed him terribly, repented of everything. After another such cry, her parents’ heart failed, and her mother came to get her. After taking Marina with all her belongings, her mother treated her grandson in different hospitals for a long time. Our heroine went to study at a trade college and made new acquaintances. But it didn’t work out that way. Marina’s husband, Sasha, also cried into the tube and swore his love for his wife and son, and this is a chance to go to a civilized city. How not to take pity here.

Marina’s father-in-law arranged for his son-in-law to sell kebabs at the bazaar. But the son-in-law did not want to bother himself, he wanted to finally live a good life. Alexander drank, had fun, arranged fights and did not notice how he was kicked out of his house in a still unfamiliar city. He asked for forgiveness, but no one believed him. There was nothing to be done, Sasha had to return to Siberia, to his usual surroundings. He became so friendly with alcohol that he couldn’t last the whole day. The mother, who had a disability, refused to support her son. The father ended up in a psychiatric clinic with «white fever. The feeling of loneliness and uselessness, resentment and insulted self-esteem suffocated the «tender soul» of the abandoned husband and forgotten son. More and more often Alexander wanted to forget himself, to quarrel with someone, to splash out accumulated anger and resentment. Soon after his return from Ukraine, Sasha was killed in a night fight near a beer stall.

And Alexander and Marina’s son was growing up. His grandmother, Marina’s mother, carefully «set her grandson on his feet,» treated him, protected him. But her daughter could not settle her personal life and more and more often remembered Andrei, that handsome faithful guy from her youth. And then one day she managed to find out his address through a friend and classmate Andrew. And at that time Marina got to know that her ex-boyfriend experienced the betrayal very hard: he did not want to live, then did not believe anyone, tried to forget himself in drugs, but nothing helped, until finally he met a charming faithful girl who helped him start all over again. In general, Andrew was married when Marina’s letter broke his family idyll. His heart started beating like before, he felt dizzy, and everything came to mind again, as if those difficult years had never happened, time had gone into another dimension. Andrew found the strength not to respond to the message, but suddenly the phone call changed his mind. Marina had called from the same city, having come all the way from afar to see him, and he could not refuse.

The meeting was stormy, passion, tears, memories… «I only now understand what it means to truly love,» Marina whispered in Andrei’s ear, snuggling gently against him. «I can’t, I’m married, you know, and I have a son growing up, and your child is by another, forgive me and understand. I will always remember you as my first love, though with a sense of pain. Forgive me if I am guilty of anything. But then I was ready to give you everything in the world, I loved you so much…».

Tears streamed down Marina’s cheeks, she knew that nothing could be returned, but she was grateful to her friend for the meeting, because it was an opportunity to ask his forgiveness and to end the relationship that had once begun.

Andrew saw his first love off on a long journey called «adulthood,» accompanied him into the unknown and said goodbye, it was easier for both of them. The soul ached unbearably. Marina, standing by the plane, through her tears looked at the distant figure of Andrew and realized that she had lost her chance in life, a chance to have true love, a strong family, and a healthy child. Time was lost, but she wanted to think that everything would still happen, only the child would always remind her of the past. And one day, when he grew up, he would ask: «Mom, who’s my daddy and where is he?» To which there will be no answer…

At a young age, we often do not think about their actions and their consequences, believing that everything is still ahead, there is still time to fix everything. And to reap the fruits of their actions, it turns out, sometimes not ready. But who does not think about the future, he regrets about the past, and the mistakes for the rest of his life gradually remind about it. When fate gives a person a gift, he is not always ready to accept it. He does not feel the need for it, so he passes by without appreciating and noticing it. Only after a loss and the realization of the loss, it becomes clear where happiness could have been. When we get our share of grief and unhappiness, only then do we understand where we have been blessed, because everything is learned by comparison. The value of your own life depends on its content, on the effort you put into it. When your life is ruled by unbridled desires or other people, the result will always be a payback. And the interesting thing is that you only have to pay for it yourself, no advance…

There would be no happiness, but unhappiness helped

Each of us, one way or another, dreams about love, wants to experience this mysterious feeling, but not everyone manages to keep it, let alone enjoy love, even if it is not mutual. But when suddenly this gift is lost, it is truly scary, the feeling of inferiority eats away at the subconscious, the world becomes gray-black colors.

So it happened with Anna, after another failure in the relationship, having suffered pain and suffering, she forbade herself to love, decided to treat all amorous affairs easily, without straining, «People can do it when they want» – reflected the young person. That is where she stopped her decision, making, as they say, an agreement with the «Devil». Anya simply had no idea then what awaited her.

Having subsequently dissolved two seven-year marriages, but not for love and not in order to remain alone, our heroine began to pray to God for the divine gift of falling in love. Again and again she returned to her apartment, where the only man, for a year now, was a charming red cat, waiting for her faithfully and sincerely. After a while, the possibility of experiencing love became an obsession for Anna. She dreamed of plunging headlong into the feeling, and then what would happen.

Once sitting at home and suffering from loneliness, Anyuta programmed on paper to meet a loved one, giving him the desired qualities, a little thought, she added time to the calendar about 4 months, intending to thoroughly prepare for such an event. This story wouldn’t пe had planned, and suddenly fell in love at first sight. Now the feeling of flight did not leave our heroine for a minute, it was like she got into another dimension, and the world has turned into happiness. What seemed ordinary before, surprised and delighted her, everything took on a special meaning. Anya realized that it was unconditional love that had come, everything around her breathed love. It was as natural as the sun, the grass, the sky, the birds, and life itself. Then it no longer mattered to a woman whether she was loved in return. But, as we know, sincere unselfish love leaves a strong energetic trace in the relationship, causes a sense of gratitude, respect, and there and then love is not far away.

But in reality, it is impossible to plan everything, much less create the image of a person ideally for oneself. And so Anyuta made a mistake. She asked for love for herself. She met a man who was strong and whole as a person, but who was not ready for remarriage. With two grown-up sons, Victor gave up on his personal life. «What kind of husband am I,» he told Anya. «What can I give you? I’m a man and I should have my own house, my own territory, and provide for my family completely. I don’t have either of those things. I’m just burned out. My main thing is to raise my sons. I’m sorry.» But even then, it didn’t frighten Annuta. She was just happy to see this man, to meet him, that’s all.

Victor liked getting love from Anya, too, and he always appreciated it. But he was afraid of something. He was afraid of getting attached, of falling in love, of himself. Many times he called, promised to come and didn’t come, disappeared somewhere, then reappeared. At some point he simply disappeared for several years, only Anya’s phone kept ringing in the evenings and even at night, but the receiver was silent. A woman’s heart knew whom it was calling. One day she happened to meet her man on the street, but he didn’t notice Anya. Everything in her soul trembled and ached. Two days of struggling with herself formed the decision – to write a message to Vita. At that time Anyuta had already lived with another man for two years, because Victor had simply disappeared. The answer came almost immediately, and both were very happy, forgetting about time, conventions and other nonsense. Everything spun with renewed vigor, until again for the man came that extreme moment of falling in love and fear for his potential and the need to take responsibility for his love.

Years went by. Unable to change anything, the woman dated Victor and continued to somehow arrange her family life. For several years she created a civil marriage, but love was elsewhere, next to her masterpiece. This went on for ten years, after which Victor fell ill and died. And even then Anya felt him and talked to him in her dreams. But the man was gone, and the love for this man was also gradually going away, leaving behind a trace of happiness, opening the channels of love.

Anya understood very clearly – when you form a desire, you have to be very careful not to regret it later. There is a tremendous power in desire, which turns the existing reality in the right direction. You can’t kill the love in you, because such actions always leave a long negative trail.

There is nothing superfluous in the world, we often pass by our happiness, sometimes just not noticing it, we complain about fate, not knowing how to use the opportunities that open before us, we envy others, not feeling their good, not knowing how to enjoy ordinary things and just love the person as he is and you know about it.