Читать книгу INCANDESCENCE - Nadia Rexler - Страница 4

NOUN: exposure of a film or a part of an image to light for too long a time.

5:00 couldn't come soon enough as I rushed out the door the second after, leaving Kat to close up shop. I walked down the street, knowing exactly where I was going but my mind elsewhere. The hours after Charlie left appeared to drag on forever. A million ways to convince Leo he was the right choice crossed my mind, but none of them felt quite right.

I always encouraged Leo to keep our business and private life separate, and we took our positions seriously. People was his skill, and he'd be offended if I simply told him I had a feeling Charlie was a great choice. After picking up a fresh bowl of chicken noodle soup, I hailed a cab and was on my way to Leo's, deciding not to overthink things for once. If I could turn my thoughts into spoken words with anyone, it would be him. "$33.50," the cab driver said once we pulled up in front of Leo's apartment building.

I swiped my card and sprinted to the front entrance. The elevator opened to the top floor and revealed the modern penthouse I was so familiar with. It was contemporary with an open floor plan and large ceiling-to-floor windows overlooking the city like mine but on a much larger scale.

The windows covered what would be two walls of the living room, letting in massive amounts of sunlight since it faced south. One of the remaining walls was decorated with a black and white photograph of Leo, which he had made into wallpaper. The kitchen donned black granite countertops and black cabinetry which matched the black integrated refrigerator, and stainless-steel appliances trimmed in gold details. It was beautiful, but useless for a man who never cooked.

"Leo," I called, walking into the kitchen.

"I'm in bed," I heard him croak in the distance. I emptied the soup into a bowl, poured a glass of Orange juice and put them both on a tray, carefully making my way to his bedroom.

"Hey baby," I said as I entered.

He looked miserable. His usually perfect, dark blond hair was disheveled. His blue eyes were dulled to a grayish color, emphasized by the dark circles underneath them, and his skin left no trace of its trademark sun-kissed glow; except for his nose, which was bright red.

"Hey," he smiled weakly at me and fell into a coughing fit.

"You sound worse than this morning," I said placing the tray over his lap.

"I feel worse too," he said before rubbing the raw skin on his nose with a tissue.

"When's the last time you took medicine?" I asked as he started eating the soup.

"Ummm probably noon," he answered before slurping a spoonful into his mouth.

"You're supposed to take it every four hours, it's close to 6 now!" I grabbed the tablets from his nightstand and dropped them in his hand.

"I was so exhausted; I didn't think about it. This is why I love you, Jer, you always take care of me," he grinned taking the pills followed by a swig of Orange juice.

I smiled at him, taking off my shoes along with my blazer, getting comfortable on his spacious bed.

"So, how was it today? You look great, so I assume you didn't die of anxiety." Leo asked in between spoonfuls.

"Not as bad as I thought it would be, the office looks great and everything ran smoothly. Katherine was a big help, thank you very much." I admitted.

"Don't thank me, I told you everything would be alright, you're perfect... everyone can see it but you," he said stroking my hair then rubbing my back.

"I love you," I said kissing him on the cheek, a blush falling over mine.

"How were my interviews," he asked.

"Horrifyingly boring, I don't know how you do it. Only one interview stood out."

I started getting back into business mode, preparing my argument in my head.

"I think we should hire him right away. I'm pretty sure he's like both of us combined, in the best way possible. His name's Charlie Burh, he's from England. He could be the right-hand man we're looking for, although he only applied to be a ghostwriter. Also, seeing he's from another country would give us a more international outlook on things!"

"Whoa, whoa, down girl," Leo giggled at my enthusiasm.

Letting go of the helium-like breath I was holding I nodded. "Sorry, I felt inspired again, like when we first started this back in Uni!"

"Jerrie," he interrupted, "we're not at work now, we can talk about this later, OK?"

"You asked about it," I said confused.

"Yeah, but I was expecting a one or two-word answer, not a lecture. I make the final decision on all employees anyway."

"I know," I said dryly.

I secretly hated when he would say things which made me question if he thought of us as equal partners. Not that I ever brought it up with him, we both knew people are his specialty and if the comment was brash, I was sure it was meant with good intention.

"Then relax and don't worry your pretty little head about it," he said placing his empty bowl on his nightstand.

I nodded, a little disappointed because I wanted to talk more about my day and interview with Charlie. I guess it would have to wait.

"At the moment, there's another problem we need to solve," he said deepening his voice and rubbing my thigh.

I turned to look at his face, his cheeks were now flushed, and his eyebrows were low over his squinting eyes. My eyes traveled lower and I saw the noticeable rise beneath his blanket. I let out a small scoff, wondering how he could be in such a mood when he was ill.

"No, no, I'm way too tired," I said moving his hand away.

"I'm tired too, but I can't help it, you know I love that dress."

Not a moment later, I felt his lips on my neck, trying to seduce me.

"No Leo, you're sick, this could be bad for both of us," I reasoned.

He ignored me and pulled me closer.

"If we're both sick who is going to run our business, isn’t that what you said this morning?"

I tried to pull away, and he pushed me down on the bed. He wasn't speaking and I knew he wouldn't listen unless I were to say something in his favor. The drumbeat of my heart started to play like a soundtrack in my ears, loud and primal.

"I'm really not in the mood," I tried again. "Leo," I squeaked out as his large hands roamed my body.

I pushed at his shoulders trying to look in his eyes, when I finally did, I knew he wasn't there anymore. The color, a deep dark gray, like storm clouds. The intensity as ferocious as the creature he was named after, the King of the jungle; and I was his next meal.

"I'm sorry, I need this," he growled yanking up my dress.

The drumbeat stopped.

I began to kick and flail trying to wiggle my way out of his grip, but every move made him more aggressive. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, but I refused to let them spill. A wicked smile formed on his beautiful face and I couldn't refuse them anymore. He pried my thighs open and held them there with his knees.

"Leo... please," I begged, trying to reason again. He ripped my panties off and penetrated me with full force. I yelped at the painful thrusts still trying to move. He responded by squeezing his hand around my throat, leaving me gasping for air. His gold pendant necklace, modeled after a Caesar coin and depicted a lion’s head on one side and his name on the other, tapped me on the chin every time he moved.

I stopped struggling, there was no point.

After what felt like forever he finally climaxed on my leg, which he cleaned up with my newly shredded underwear before he tossed them into the small trash can next to his bed, with the other fluid-filled rags he'd used earlier. He rolled over, out of breath. My heartbeat moved to my sore eyes, giving me a headache. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, readjusting my dress, which was now torn at the seam, and trying to detangle my hair with my fingers.

"Are-Are you mad at me?" Leo asked, almost childlike, after several moments of silence.

"You promised. You said you wouldn't do it again," I said so quietly I was sure he couldn't hear.

"I know, I know baby, and I am so sorry, I don't know what came over me. You have to believe me, Jerrie. Please don't be mad," he begged.

"I'm not mad," I deadpanned. I wished that was a lie, but it wasn't; at least not in the context, he was using. I was numb.

"I promise I'll make it up to you, you can have whatever you want. Hire the guy you were talking about! If you think he's the one, I trust you, ok?" He put his hand on my shoulder.

Leaning over, I grabbed my shoes, purposely escaping his grip. His hand sluggishly dropped to the bed behind me.

"Don't be like that Jer," he said sadly.

I pretended I didn't hear him and walked into his en-suite to make myself presentable. As soon as I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt disgusted, and tears started to well up in my eyes once again, I fought for them not to fall. I opted to give myself a side braid, so I wouldn't have to look at myself any longer. I took a deep breath, slowly meditating to soothe my soul. I could feel myself starting to store the pain away.

"It's after seven, " I said gingerly to Leo when I entered back into the bedroom.

He nodded in response; I knew he was angry. He expected a certain reaction, one which was humanly unreasonable. In his world, if he apologized it was to be accepted right away.

"Could you take me home?"

" I'm not feeling good anymore," he said dryly.

"OH, alright, I'll take a cab then. Will I see you at work tomorrow?"

"Probably not," his face was emotionless. I stood there for a moment while he ignored me, an unwelcoming pang in my chest formed. Why was I the one feeling sorry when I haven't done anything wrong? I grabbed my bag and headed for the door a second later.

"Call me when you get home," he said before I disappeared out of his line of sight. His voice was still monotone, but I felt relieved he cared.

I wanted to care less. I wished he would never call me again. At the same time, I worried he wouldn't.

I was an Idiot.

I was well acquainted with the walk of shame by then, but it always felt terrible. The feeling worsened as I exited Leo's building and realized the same cab driver from earlier was picking me up. He smirked at me in the rearview mirror. I could only imagine what he thought I was doing; or worse, what hewanted to do. The thought made me nauseous. Then I remembered Leo's promise to let me hire whoever I wanted.

And I wanted to hire Charlton Burh.

He was in no position to take back such a promise and I knew how to force his hand. I decided to give Charlie a call, it was better than the cabby staring me down, whilst he got up the courage to ask me about whatever was on his mind. Pulling up his file on my phone I dialed the number.

"Hello," he answered after the second ring, catching me off guard.

"Hello?" he repeated when I still hadn't answered.

"Oh, um," I cleared my voice, "This is Jerrie Howard, from Lion Publishers Group."

"Ah Jerrie, sorry I had to cut our interview short today."

"Oh, it's no problem, life happens," I assured him.

"I appreciate your understanding. Well, why do I have the pleasure of talking to you for the second time today?"

"Actually," I said stretching out the last syllable of the word, "I talked with Mr. Cordell, and we both think you're perfect for the position, we'd like you to start next Monday if possible."

"Great! I'd love to start next week, thank you so much for the opportunity," excitement filled his voice.

"Lovely, well I'm not home yet but, I'm on my way now and I will send you over the in-depth position and salary details once I get there," I grinned, though he couldn't see me.

"You're not talking and driving, are you? Because that's illegal I think," I heard the concern in his sarcasm.

"No, I'm not," I laughed, "I'm in a cab".

"A cab!" he exclaimed, "You have a successful business and you don't have a car? Sorry, I didn't mean to judge..."

"Not exactly, it's- I never learned to drive. I usually ride with Leo... Mr. Cordell, but he's ill," I explained, stumbling over my words and sharing far too much information.

"I see, and you'll be taking a cab to work tomorrow as well?"

"Most likely," I said cautiously.

"No." he declared.

"No?" I asked confused.

"I have a better solution, how about I start work tomorrow and I pick you up on my way," he decided.

"Oh no, Charlie, that's not necessary."

"Yes, it is, I can't in good conscience let you take a cab to work while I'm sitting at home doing nothing. Cars need exercise too."

"I don't know," I sighed.

"It's the least I can do after I left during my interview," he persuaded.

My mind visualized Leo's stone-cold face refusing to take me home. "Fine, I'll send you my address, along with everything else," I told him.

"Fantastic," I heard him smile, "I will speak to you later."

"Yes, and congratulations Mr. Burh, glad to have you join us, goodbye," I hung up the phone.

What had I gotten myself into would be more than I could comprehend.

By 7:30 the next morning, I was sitting at my peninsula with a cup of tea in one hand and an espresso in the other. Initially, I thought I felt like death, but death felt like me. Bruises from the night before showed up as ugly, purple and painful as I thought they would be. I was grateful to have pain killers on hand, and a stylish black turtleneck dress and black thigh-high boots to cover them.

As much as I'd tried, sleep evaded me, which made my eyes bloodshot. It accented with my all-black ensemble which made me look like I was still mourning the death of Versace. My buzzer rang, and I was knocked out of nowhere land, which felt like my real home. It must have been Charlie to pick me up. He was five minutes early, which was a breath of fresh air.

"I'll be right down," I spoke into the intercom.

Walking outside, I noticed Charlie leaning on the passenger side of a silver Audi. He looked quite... mysterious, wearing a shiny black shirt along with daringly tight black jeans and a black blazer, topped off with black ray-bans. I was still impressed with his sense of style, most guys I knew couldn't grasp the idea of fashion. If it weren't for me, Leo would still be wearing pastel-colored Polo shirts and flip-flops. Which his parents hated as well.

"Miss Howard," he beamed and spoke once I got closer.

"Mr. Burh," I weakly said, I curled my mouth back at him.

I was about three feet away when he lifted his sunglasses, smirk on his face. "There must be a funeral on the runway or something."

I looked up at him and bit my bottom lip to keep from laughing.

"What," he asked, "Was that a bad joke?"

"Well yes but, um, I thought the same thing actually," I giggled a little. There was a small second of awkward silence before Charlie eagerly opened the passenger's door.

"Shall we?"

"Oh yes, of course, thank you, how very chivalrous," I said as I made my way into the seat.

He closed the door after I was settled in. I couldn't help but watch him as he strode around the front of the car, charisma radiated from him in a way I wasn't used to. Leo's charisma was always bright like the sun, blinding if you stared too long and too hot to get close to. So maybe Charlie was the moon, bright but less overbearing, almost, comforting. Or maybe I was wrong.

"How are you this morning," he asked moments after pulling off.

"Um, I'm... alright," I lied and followed with a small smile. It must have been unconvincing because I could practically see the concerned eyes behind his blacked-out lenses.

"Just, alright? What's wrong, is everything OK?" his emotions spread out on his face.

He was so transparent glass would be envious. Once again, I held my bottom lip in between my teeth to suppress a laugh. How could he be so genuinely concerned with a person he had only met a day ago?

"I'm fine," I grinned sincerely this time, "It's life."

"Sometimes you have to go through the bad times to appreciate the good times," we both said simultaneously. Our heads snapped to each other and erupted into laughter.

"Well that was strange," I said still smiling.

"Not really," he shrugged, "great minds think alike I guess."

"That is where you're wrong Mr. Burh, great minds think for themselves."

"I don't know, thinking for ourselves is what got us matching outfits," he smiled.

"Touché," I chuckled.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up at the office. I couldn't remember the last time I felt comfortable with a perfect stranger. Probably never.

I blamed it on our similar taste in horrible humor and Idioms.

"I might as well give you the tour before we get to work," I told him as we walked into the building.

I was quite proud of our brand-new two-story office. When we found the building is was a spacious industrial warehouse, which made customizing everything inside a dream. Bright natural lighting shined through to the back of the building from four large windows that donned the parallel sides. The open concept allowed you to see the second-floor balcony. The left wall at the front entrance displayed our best-selling projects and the right were framed reviews and articles about us that were growing every month.

Katherine’s desk sat in the middle, surrounded by plush yellow seating. Above her head was a beam that displayed our logo, a lion’s head in which the mane was depicted as pages of an open book, Lion Publishing and our slogan: ‘Where the Author is king’. A glass library separated the entrance from the cafeteria and departments in the back.

I never expected our business to go this far. I was sure I'd eventually have to use my degree to fill out someone else's paperwork, not hire someone to do mine. We worked hard over the years and the benefits were rising so high I could have swam in them.

"Good morning Katherine," I smiled at her.

"Oh, Miss Howard, you're early again," she stated dryly.

"No, I've actually been on time," I tittered.

"Then Leo must be sick still," she stared at me oddly.

Katherine was another beautiful butterfly. Naturally gorgeous with her khaki-brown skin, alluring eyes accentuated with purple framed cat-eyeglasses, Blunt cut Crimson hair and hundreds of freckles she never dared to cover. She was a gallery piece, and her personality was the “DO NOT TOUCH” sign.She made it clear how she felt about you with a simple shift in her eyes. Still, she was always professional.

"Yes. Well anyway, this is Charlton Burh, I'm sure you remember him from yesterday. Charlie, this is Katherine Pettison, our Executive secretary," I introduced them.

"Nice to see you again, Charlton,” the comment was welcoming, though her voice stayed flat, “you can call me Kat," she shook his hand.

"He's our new Supervisor over Ghostwriting," I informed.

"But you can call me tonight," Charlie finished.

Kat's face froze in the most unamused manner which made me have to suck in my bottom lip again.

"I'm joking... Charlie will do just fine."

"Well we're going on the tour, make sure you make his ID card before the end of the day," I tried to break her glare.

"Of course, Miss Howard... Mr. Burh," she said before hiding her face behind her computer.

"I don't think she likes me," Charlie stated once we were out of sight.

"Don't worry, she doesn't like me either," I chuckled.

"She calls everyone she doesn't like by their last name," he deducted, "She must like Mr. Cordell then."

"She does, but then again everyone loves Leo, you'll see when you meet him. Let's get the tour started."

We walked around for an hour and a half talking about the company and laughing about stupid things. I told him everything he needed to know about our business since he would, in a lot of ways, be mine and Leo's, anchorman.

The back-office departments were on the first floor, meaning the mailroom, sales, and accounts receivables departments. Account management was upstairs, specializing in, Editing, Ghostwriting, Marketing and Recruiting. As the Editor in Chief, it saddened me to give up ghostwriting, which was formally under me as well, but Charlie appeared to be the right fit. It wasn't exactly what he'd signed up for and I sensed he was a little nervous about running an entire department.

"If you have any questions just ask," I assured him.

"You know, I had more questions I wanted to ask you yesterday," he smirked.

"Oh right, for my interview," I said with air quotes around the last word, "ask away."

"When did you have your first kiss?" he asked honestly.

"That's not very professional," I said wide-eyed.

"Depends on the profession you're in."

I narrowed my eyes and raised one of my eyebrows instinctively. Letting my body language speak for me.

He suddenly burst into laughter, clapping his hands together. "Ah there it is, you should be sassy more often, it's amazing!"

Laughing I opened my office door, "I think it's time for us to get to work."

I had no clue why, but if anyone else had asked I would've been nervous and extremely evasive, forgetting every word I ever learned. Somehow, at the moment, I was almost tempted to answer.

The smile on my face wiped clean off when I saw the delicate package laying on my desk. A dozen Fresh white roses from the best nursery within 1000 miles (ca. 1,609,344 m). Any normal girl would be ecstatic to see this but, I wasn't normal and the sight of them made me want to break into tears.

"Someone has a secret admirer," Charlie nudged me.

"I have some things I have to take care of, get settled in your office and I'll come to get you when I'm finished," my voice sounded cheerful, but I couldn't tear my eyes from the flowers.

"What's wrong?" I could see his furrowed eyebrows in my peripheral vision.

"Why would something be wrong?" I glanced at him and smiled, "I won't be long, then we'll start your training."

He looked at me for a second more, as we both stood motionless outside my office before, he silently walked away. I entered my space, locking the door behind me. I made my way over to my desk and grabbed the bundle of flowers, taking in the familiar aroma. I plucked out the little note attached knowing exactly what it would say:

I'm sorry, Love Leo.

I placed the note in my desk drawer and began to clip the ends of the beautiful flowers before putting them into a vase. I always kept the notes, to keep track of the number of incidents... the number of unkept promises. I had hoped this brand-new desk would go untouched, devoid of the rotten stench of secrets. I had thrown out all the old notes before we moved to the new office and I didn't bother to buy a desk with a lock on it.

So much for hoping.

My neck ached as stress overcame me. Every flower I gently placed into my vase was like another finger placed on my throat, squeezing, begging to crush my hyoid. My vase, the same one which held Leo's flowers, I'd kept it. Not because a part of me didn't believe Leo wouldn't keep his promise, but because it was the last thing I had left of my mother. No matter how tainted it became, I couldn't let go of it.

I hadn't realized how much Charlie had taken everything off my mind. It was nice to have a friend, if I could call him that. It was refreshing to have no pressure from someone. I could only hope my obvious need for friendship wouldn't scare him away... but in my head, it sounded pathetic.

With a sigh, I stared at the inside of my office door with so much intensity, I could almost see through it. Looking for relief, strength and the courage to let someone in- someone else in. I burst out of my office, my heels clacking through the ghostwriting department, prompting everyone to make themselves look busy or move out of the way.

"18," I stated as I got to Charlie's office.

"What?" He twirled around in his chair and stared at me with wide eyes.

"You asked how old I was when I had my first kiss."

"I was joking you know, I'm not actually a creep."

"Never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to," I advised.

"Oh god," he scrunched his face up with exaggerated disdain, "is that some sort of quote you've put in a book somewhere. Why are writers so obnoxious?"

I laughed, "It could be worse, I could be the type who only uses five-syllable words from a thesaurus."

"So, you have! Christ Jerrie, I thought I was working for professionals," he shook his head pretending to be ashamed.

"I believe the employee probationary period is 90 days, so I'd be a little nicer if I were you," I said sitting across from him.

We sat there for a long moment, looking at each other with a playful challenge, a ghost of a smile creeping up our faces until we both cracked.

"So, 18 huh."

"18," I repeated.

"I don't believe it," he squinted his eyes at me, trying to catch me in a lie.

"18 isn't unreasonable."

"If I believe you, I'll have to believe every American stereotype I've been taught is untrue, and I'm not ready for such a thing." His face was again in some exaggerated expression to show off his amateur acting skills.

"Wow, I think it's time for your training," I got up, walking around his desk.

"Just saying, 18 seems too old," he whispered.

"Let it go, Charlie."

"I had my first kiss when I was 11, and I was a scrawny little kid with a lisp."

"Let's get you started," Still smiling, I ignored him, pulling up our system.

The day flew by, maybe too quickly. It was the first time I actually enjoyed work in a long time. Every time I finished training Charlie in something we would joke afterward. I would be surprised if he learned anything, not that I mind training him again. He dropped me off after work and offered to pick me up the next day if I needed it.

I settled in, letting my neck and thighs breathe, nursing them as if they were scrapes from a bike accident. I turned on some music and decided to cook myself dinner instead of ordering from an overly priced "organic" restaurant. I kept a tablet in my island drawer, filled with calorie specific recipes, and I was feeling hungry for something more generous, so I chose from my '400cal' files. I was enjoying myself so much, I almost didn't hear my phone ringing.

"Hello?" I said a little out of breath.

"Hey babe," said the other end. Of course, it was Leo, who else would it be.

"Hey," I said coming back to reality, "are you feeling better?"

"A little, I've been trying to take the medicine as you told me."

"Oh, OK good," I said with difficulty.

"Did you get the flowers?"

"Yeah, they were gorgeous," as always, I wanted to add but didn't.

"I'm so sorry Jer," he whined and sniffed, I was sure he was squeezing out a few tears by then. "I feel like I'm always hurting you and I don't mean it. I love you more than anyone, if I lost you, I don't know what I would do. I can't live without you, Jerrie."

I had heard this speech before, so many times in fact, I mouthed the words in time with him, all five minutes and 47 seconds of it. Still, it pulled at my heartstrings. I couldn't imagine my life without Leo in it, I didn't have anyone else... and what would happen to the business?

"I know Leo... I love you too, we're fine I promise."

He let out the breath he was holding.

"Thanks, baby, I promise to be better, you make me want to be a better person. No, I am a better person because of you."

"OK," I croaked. I wanted to believe him so bad it hurt, but my reflection shone through the oven door forced me to see the black marks around my neck for what they were. That in itself drained me.

"OK, I need you to be strong for me for one more day at work, I'll be back on Thursday."

I agreed though he sounded better, another day of separation would be good for both of us. I hung up the phone staring at the food starting to burn in the pan. The pungent aroma filled my nostrils and burned my eyes with its smoke. I found myself relating to it, a once alive creature reduced to a piece of meat sizzling in a pan, powerless to save itself. I grabbed the handle and dumped the whole thing into the trash can, my appetite was the least of my worries.