Читать книгу Shadows Of Acceptance - Nancy Inc. Rockey - Страница 6

When a child endures a difficult delivery, or his needs are unmet, he or she is abused, physically, emotionally or sexually or he or she has to endure painful experiences of loss or abandonment, the child draws a conclusion and develops an attitude about his worth and value. “If my mother or my father, who created me, would treat me in a hurtful way, then there must be something wrong with me.” Granted, this is not true; however, what the child perceives he receives as truth. Looking at it from a logical adult point of view, his reaction would not be unexpected. If you were beaten severely, if you were ignored or left alone to amuse yourself while your parents pursued other things, if you were sexually abused by a parent or another, if you were repeatedly told that you were dumb or stupid or were called degrading names, if you were seldom or never touched, caressed, rocked or cuddled, you would consider yourself to be less than what your parents wanted or hoped for. You would feel that you were the problem.

“But wait a minute,” you might say. “I haven't been severely beaten, given away shortly after birth, and my mother didn't attempt to abort me. There was nothing that dramatic going on in my household, but I still feel that I was rejected, so what's wrong with me?” The answer: probably there was a more subtle form of rejection going on for you, one that is not easily identified, but felt non-the-less. Again, the truth is that if you perceived that you were rejected, then you received rejection as your truth.

Todd attended one of our seminars and expressed this exact sentiment. “Outwardly my parents seemed to accept me, at least they didn’t hurt me in any way, physically or emotionally. There were no mean words hurled my direction, but still I feel rejected,” he said. Upon questioning him further, we discovered that both of his parents were busy professionals and pre-occupied with their professions. Todd was left to amuse himself most of the time. He did get healthy meals, usually on time (there was a strict routine at his home), but attention was more on their professional life than on family life. Also, if there was attention given out, it was to the eldest sister, who they were grooming, so it seemed to Todd, to be someone very special.

Children don't usually assume the worst of their parents. In actuality the reverse is true, because every child longs to belong, to be accepted. It might have been that one or both of your parents were very busy with their careers and you didn't receive the attention or the amount of time with them that you needed. Children always feel that they are to blame for inadequate attention, and will feel rejection as a result. You do not have to be claiming a dramatic story of abuse or neglect to have experienced rejection. Read on, and you may find yourself identified in what's ahead.

A child longs for an intimate emotional bond with his parents: affectionate and tender treatment from a warm and loving Mom and Dad. When this does not occur, the child takes the blame for the neglect. God designed newborns to be helpless, in need of everything being done for them. If a child is raised with affectionate parents who give the child love and attention, the child is able to remove himself from the “center of attention” position to become part of a supportive system to everyone he knows and primarily to God. For those who have been wounded by rejection, neglect and/or abuse however, this center-stage position often remains until puberty and/or into adulthood, always seeking to be the center of attention, always looking to have his needs met. Remember, the brain is designed for survival, so the adult child (one who never matured emotionally because of his negative experiences) says, “I have to have these needs met somehow, so I will demand that of everyone.”

The shadow of rejection causes victims to perceive many of the words said to them as slights, neglect or outright rebuff, and they respond out of their perception instead of reality. His or her attitude will be that the world “owes” him, and that can be the case into adolescence, adulthood and even into senior years. The child will mature physically but not emotionally. This is known as “Arrested Emotional Development,” and lives in the shadow as a result of rejection and other abuses as well.

Feelings of worthlessness manifested in a school-age child are shown in extremes. Emotions are intense. The extroverted child will be obnoxiously out front and “in your face”, while the introverted child will “disappear into the woodwork,” so to speak. He/she will have either little or no desire to excel in school work, or there will be perfectionism, always performing for acceptance. The pendulum swing can be extreme. In either extreme, parents get concerned and attempt to “fix” the problem – the child. This concern, when the child is being made into the problem or the patient, further diminishes self-worth and can drive a child into a deeper hole of emotional pain.

In adolescence, emotions intensify creating either the rebellious, mouthy teen or the “geek”-- the shy, quiet, intellectual who has few or no friends. This is the time period when a teen’s work is to begin to separate and be different from parents. It is the phase called identity development, and is extremely difficult for parents. In childhood there may have been an adequate relationship with parents, but in adolescence, the teen wants to be with peers and seldom with his parents. This is a normal part of adolescent development. The wounded teen will experiment with and may get hooked on agents that will allow him to escape from the negativity that he feels, or he will lash out in behaviors that are destructive to self and to others. Teens may also escape into video games or computers to avoid associations that “might” cause pain. Schoolwork is an area where teens feel they have power – either to perform to the max being straight “A” students or to slack off, getting poor grades just to get back at parents or to be in control of oneself. It has also been noted in numerous studies that wounds tend to “dumb down” intellect or diminish academic performance, especially in the elementary and secondary school years.

Worthlessness in adult years has many behaviors, because by now, the wounded have experienced enough of life to be committed to the idea of their own worthlessness. Experiences endured thus far have “proved the point” to this teen, even though his actions may demonstrate that he considers himself superior to others. Behaviors run the gamut from absolute perfectionism and control, including obsessive and compulsive behaviors to an “I don’t care” attitude where little or nothing is accomplished or achieved. Goals are set either very high (unreachable) or very low (absent). Relationships are based either on performing for the marital partner or boss for acceptance or not being responsible and not caring for oneself or one’s partner. Careers are impacted so that either the victim becomes a super-achiever or never really accomplishes much in life and contributes little or nothing of value to society.

Depression and hopelessness are the resulting feelings when self-worth is based on one’s abilities to perform in a certain manner.

Perhaps by now you have begun to comprehend the importance of one's self-concept. It is the pivot point on which a child becomes a success or a failure in life.

Self-concept is a personal view of one's worth and value. It's what you think that you are worth.

Self-image is based on the reflection that one sees of himself based on the attitudes and behaviors of others toward him. An image is a reflection – a picture coming back at you in the mirror of others.

Self-worth is the innate (inborn) value you have just because you exist. That value is placed on you by your Creator, and never changes despite your behaviors or beliefs. Each life has value, regardless of who the parents are or from what lineage you have come. Life is precious!

Self esteem is a holding of oneself in high regard – perhaps to think more highly of oneself than one ought to think. It is to have a high regard for ones self, perhaps to think that self is superior to another.

Having had a look at these definitions, ask yourself what your self-concept is. Unfortunately, we usually base our concept on the earliest relationships we have had in life -– those with our parents or primary care-givers. Our concept of our worth and value gets tied up with the image returned to us from those who related to us in infancy. Their behaviors toward us set us up to believe a lie, and unwittingly we believe that image over what our Creator would have us see.

Believing the lie that we are without worth and value or that it is minimal at best, is the set up for a plethora (excess) of relational, career and personal failures. Holding onto a lie as truth is the stimulus for us to create an entire language based on the lie. We will either proclaim our depraved state or we will cover up our feelings with an air or appearance of superiority. Attitudes translate into behaviors designed to portray or to conceal the lie, and unfortunately many of these behaviors are destructive to self and can be damaging to others.

If you have been trapped in the lie that says you have little or no worth and value, it's time to get out of the shadows and into the light of freedom you will feel when you comprehend the incredible innate value that you have.