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III

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On the day before Sword Wednesday, Dame Alice ordered her septuagenarian gardener to take his slasher and cut down a forest of dead thistles and briar that poked up through the snow where the Dance of the Five Sons was to be performed. The gardener, a fearless Scot with a will of iron and a sour disposition, at once informed her that the slasher had been ruined by unorthodox usage.

‘Dame,’ he said, for this was the way he chose to address his mistress, ‘It canna be. I’ll no’ soil ma hands nor scald ma temper nor lay waste ma bodily health wi’ any such matter.’

‘You can sharpen your slasher, man.’

‘It should fetch the blush of shame to your countenance to ask it.’

‘Send it down to William Andersen.’

‘And get insultit for ma pains? Yon godless old devil’s altogether sunkit in heathen clamjamphries.’

‘If you’re talkin’ about Sword Wednesday, McGlashan, you’re talkin’ bosh. Send down your slasher to the forge. If William’s too busy one of the sons will do it.’

‘I’ll hae nane but the smith lay hands on ma slasher. They’d ruin it. Moreover, they are as deep sunk in depravity as their auld mon.’

‘Don’t you have sword dances in North Britain?’

‘I didna come oot here in the cauld at the risk o’ ma ain demise to be insultit.’

‘Send the slasher to the forge and get the courtyard cleared. That will do, McGlashan.’

In the end, the slasher was taken down by Dulcie Mardian, who came back with the news that the Guiser was away for the day. She had given the slasher to Ernie with strict instructions that his father, and nobody else, was to sharpen it.

‘Fancy, Aunt Akky, it’s the first time for twenty years that William has been to Biddlefast. He got Dan Andersen to drive him to the bus. Everyone in the village is talking about it and wondering if he’s gone to see Stayne and Stayne about his will. I suppose Ralph would know.’

‘He’s lucky to have somethin’ to leave. I haven’t and you might as well know it, Dulcie.’

‘Of course, Aunt Akky. But everybody says old William is really as rich as possible. He hides it away, they say, like a miser. Fancy!’

‘I call it shockin’ low form, Dulcie, listenin’ to village gossip.’

‘And, Aunt Akky, that German woman is still at the Green Man. She tries to pump everybody about the Five Sons.’

‘She’ll be nosin’ up here to see it. Next thing she’ll be startin’ some beastly guild. She’s one of those stoopid women who turn odd and all that in their fifties. She’ll make a noosance of herself.’

‘That’s what the Old Guiser says, according to Chris.’

‘He’s perfectly right. William Andersen is a sensible fellow.’

‘Could you turn her away, Aunt Akky, if she comes?’

Dame Alice merely gave an angry snap of her false teeth.

‘Is that young woman still at the Green Man?’ she demanded.

‘Do you mean William Andersen’s granddaughter?’

‘Who the deuce else should I mean?’

‘Yes she is. Everyone says she’s awfully nice and – well – you know –’

‘If you mean she’s a ladylike kind of creeter, why not say so?’

‘One doesn’t say that somehow, nowadays, Aunt Akky.’

‘More fool you.’

‘One says she’s a “lidy”.’

‘Nimby-pimby shilly-shallyin’ and beastly vulgar into the bargain. Is the gel more of a Campion than an Andersen?’

‘She’s got quite a look of her mother, but of course, Ned Campion brought her up as a Campion. Good schools and all that. She went to that awfully smart finishing school in Paris.’

‘And learnt a lot more than they bargained for, I dare say. Is she keepin’ up with the smithy?’

‘She’s quite cultivating them, it seems, and everybody says old William, although he pretends to disapprove, has really taken a great fancy to her. They say that she seems to like being with them. I suppose it’s the common side coming out.’

‘Lor’, what a howlin’ snob you are, Dulcie. All the more credit to the gel. But I won’t have Ralph gettin’ entangled.’

‘What makes you think –?’

Dame Alice looked at her niece with contempt. ‘His father told me. Sam.’

‘The rector?’ Dulcie said automatically.

‘Yes, he’s the rector, Dulcie. He’s also your brother-in-law. Are you goin’ potty? It seems Ralph was noticed with the gel at Sandown and all that. He’s been payin’ her great ’tention. I won’t have it.’

‘Have you spoken to Ralph, Aunt Akky?’

‘’Course I have. ’Bout that and ’bout somethin’ else,’ said Dame Alice with satisfaction, ‘that he didn’t know I’d heard about. He’s a Mardian, is Master Ralph, if his mother did marry a parson. Young rake.’

Dulcie looked at her aunt with a kind of dim, watery relish. ‘Goodness!’ she said. ‘Is Ralph a rake, Aunt Akky?’

‘Oh, go and do yer tattin’,’ said Dame Alice contemptuously, ‘you old maiden.’

But Dulcie paid little attention to this insult. Her gaze had wandered to one of the many clocks in her aunt’s drawing-room.

‘Sword Wednesday tomorrow,’ she said romantically, ‘and in twenty-four hours they’ll be doing the Dance of the Five Sons. Fancy!’

Off With His Head

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