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1. GETTING AND GIVING SNAP IMPRESSIONS

Use Body Language to Accurately Read Others and Improve the Impression You Make

Dana, a story consultant in Hollywood, had an appointment to meet with George Clooney. She’d had to postpone their meeting twice. “Unbelievable, I know,” she said, laughing. “Who delays meeting George Clooney? But I had just had a baby.”

The rescheduled meeting day arrived and Dana, exhausted by a sleepless night, threw on the only clothes that fit: white T-shirt, jeans, and a jacket. She hugged her new baby good-bye and then dashed across LA. As she was about to step through the studio’s doors, a woman said, “Excuse me but do you realize your jacket is covered in spit-up?”

Dana, a true professional with a great spirit, whipped off her jacket and strode through the door to meet George. “I was so tired, and my baby was my priority. I really didn’t have it in me to be nervous or play a part. I was just me — which that day included eau de spit-up.”

In a snap, George loved her. She got the job, and George enjoyed her so much that for the run of their project, they always ended their weekly meetings with a one-on-one basketball game behind his office. Years later, Clooney told Dana what a unique first impression she’d made. “You were so real,” he said. “There was no Hollywood fawning, just two people connecting.”

I tell this story because, as we talk about the value of snap impressions, I don’t want your awareness of the nonverbal cues you give and receive to make you overly self-conscious. It’s most important to be present in the moment, connected, and authentic. The knowledge you’ll gain here will help you do this so that the real you shines at its best.

How often do we hear someone say, “When I first met him, I thought…,” “From the moment I met him, I knew…,” or “She did not fool me for a minute…,” or something similar? The first-impression process takes a few seconds or less. In fact, the most current research says that we can form an accurate first impression in 100 milliseconds — less than the time it takes to snap our fingers.¹

We can process thousands of cues — whether visual, auditory, or tactile — and other nonverbal factors very quickly, so a snap impression occurs well before we’ve talked at length or exchanged business cards or email addresses. We form snap impressions not just when we meet face-to-face but also when we see someone in a photo, glance at her Facebook profile, read a text she has sent you, or hear her voice on the phone. We do this by noticing things we don’t even know we are noticing, and most research shows that only long experience with someone can alter our initial hit.

Research done by Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov at Princeton University found that people make judgments about attractiveness, likability, trustworthiness, competence, and aggressiveness after looking at people’s faces for just a tenth of a second. The researchers found that there was no significant change between snap decisions formed in one-tenth of a second and those formed during a longer exposure to a person’s face. Given more time (up to a full second), people’s fundamental judgment about the faces did not change. In fact, people became more confident in their judgment as the exposure time grew longer.²

The Science behind the Snap

Many regions of the brain are involved in forming and acting on a first impression. Research using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) on subjects as they formed first impressions of photographed faces and written profiles — each of which implied a different personality type — showed significant activity in two regions of the brain: the amygdala and the posterior cingulate cortex, or PCC.

The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped structure in the brain’s medial temporal lobe. It is primarily responsible for processing emotional responses (such as fear and anxiety) and for storing memories of emotional events. But it also plays a role in interpreting body language and facial expressions, particularly when they may indicate a threat. It’s the amygdala that helps you decide, “Can I trust this person not to hurt me?”

The PCC is involved in attention, memory, motivation, and decision making. It has been intensively studied in the field of neuroeconomics (which looks at brain activity and economic decision making) because of the role it plays in assessing risk and evaluating expected rewards or outcomes. Some researchers define it as hub connecting other parts of the brain. Both the amygdala and the PCC are interconnected with the thalamus.

The thalamus is not a limbic structure but it is involved in motor function and sensory perception. It functions as a relay station for two types of nerve impulses: those that carry sensory information (sights, sounds, tastes, smells), and those that control muscle movements. After receiving these incoming signals, the thalamus sends them to the appropriate part of the brain for further processing.³

(Go to www.snapfirstimpressions.com for two of my videos explaining more about first impressions: How We Form First Impressions and Four Ways We Act on Our First Impressions. Also, look for the link to the article “Recent Research on How First Impressions Are Formed.”)

In a snap, everything you see, hear, and observe is quickly processed by your brain and mixed into the unique package known as a first impression. You look at someone for the first time and snap! Your brain takes a “photograph,” taking in myriad cues all at once and forming a holistic image. These snap impressions use, in part, the emotional centers of the brain for this processing, and that helps to give them their powerful and lasting effect.

You may wonder, “How accurate can a snap be?” People are, on average, better than you might think at assessing certain aspects of personality and ability. A meta-analysis of forty-four studies measuring the accuracy of people’s first impressions showed their impressions to be highly accurate.⁴

What You Say Is Not That Important

David and his roommate, Mark, were waiting at the bar for Mark’s girlfriend. Looking up from his drink, David saw Mark’s girlfriend come in with another woman — a black-haired beauty worthy of a Sports Illustrated cover shoot. Stunned by this woman’s looks, David fretted over what he would say to make a good impression. He needn’t have worried; nonverbal cues matter more than words in a snap. The warm looks David and the black-haired beauty exchanged in that moment led to a marriage that has lasted thirty years (so far)!

When it comes to first impressions, nonverbal cues pack more than four times the punch of verbal ones. When we are face-to-face with someone, we can see his expressions, the look in his eyes, where his head is placed, the way he is sitting, his physical distance from objects and other people, and the signals in his gestures, as well as perceive the warmth or coolness in his voice. Facial cues rank first among all forms of communication in their influence on initial impressions.

In a person’s eyes we see interest, arousal, and power or submissiveness. In her gestures and posture we can understand her attitudes, level of confidence and optimism, and what type of relationship she might want. The amount of space she uses and keeps between herself and others helps us assess how much privacy she wants and how close emotionally she wants to be. We listen to a person’s words to ascertain mood, personality, and honesty; we watch her hands and her touch movements to see how supportive and warm she is.

Nonverbal snap cues are so accurate — 76 percent accurate, or higher — for two reasons.⁵ First, there is a genetic link between appearance and personality. We may have evolved to show our personalities on our faces and bodies because being readable makes it easier for people to socialize and interact, which is essential for survival. Just as the venomous Gila monster developed bright coloring over time that acts as a signal — the coloring tells potential predators that the lizard is dangerous — we have evolved to possess readability to make us appear less dangerous.

Second, our facial and bodily expressions reflect our emotions and, consequently, our personalities, and over time they become lasting facial features and body postures. We form snap impressions using body language and other nonverbal cues subconsciously and automatically, so they are not subject to unreliable conscious prejudices.

One great use of words is to hide our thoughts.

— Voltaire

Processing nonverbal communication is not an exercise in linear thinking. Most of the time, we, like David after he met the dark-haired beauty, cannot trace the steps we use to process the myriad cues available to us. Rather, the cues explode around us like fireworks, or they are like floats and balloons at a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade swirling before our eyes, or for many of us they just seem to come as feelings in the gut. For this reason, we may wonder if the conclusion we’ve come to is accurate. We may discount it, saying, “Oh, it’s only a hunch.” In reality, our hunches can be amazingly accurate.

Phillip Goldberg, in his book The Intuitive Edge, says that intuition “is the product of the mind’s capacity to do many things at once without our being aware of them.”⁶ In a snap, we can, in less than forty seconds of communication, process up to ten thousand units of nonverbal information. That’s ten thousand cues communicated between two people in less than a minute. We process that information into something valuable: an intuitive perception of the other person. The sheer volume of cues available to us helps make our first impressions reliable.

Think about it. If we totally disregarded the nonverbal cues, we would have only a few words, or perhaps sentences, in those first moments on which to base our impression. I don’t know about you, but the words “Hello, my name is Joe” don’t tell me a lot. Then consider how quickly and accurately we use nonverbal cues. In 1992, the researchers Nalini Ambady and Robert Rosenthal found that looking at short examples of behavior (examples lasting under thirty seconds) can lead to predictions as accurate as those based on observing behavior for up to five minutes.⁷ Snap impressions are remarkably telling.

Forming a gut-level first impression is the first step in communicating. That impression dictates the reaction we expect to get, how we will relate to the other person, and all the other factors that affect how we form a relationship.

Right about now you may be saying, “I never make assumptions based on first impressions. I’m more sophisticated or more fair than that. I know better than to judge on mere appearances.” Let me clarify. I’m not talking about reducing people to stereotypes based on prejudice or bigotry. I’m talking about the accuracy of your first gut-level reactions. There is a big difference. Gut-level impressions based on nonverbal cues are instinctual; prejudice and bigotry stem from learned cultural and social factors. They are part of our second-stage impressions. True gut-level first impressions are not subject to inaccuracy like stereotypes.

Stereotypes, in fact, undermine accuracy. For instance, one dramatic aspect of this process is the way we create self-fulfilling prophecies. We assign someone specific personality traits in the first few minutes, and then, as we interact, we collect information that makes our predictions about that person seem true, ignoring information that might contradict our stereotypical impression.

For example, a business owner interviewing contractors for a big job might see a candidate with a sweaty forehead and no smile, dressed in a gray T-shirt, coming toward him and think, “I don’t want to hire this unprofessional guy to do this work.” The business owner might not notice, however, that the contractor carries a clipboard, leans forward and nods as he listens, takes copious notes about what the business owner wants, and spends a longer time in the meeting than other potential contractors who bid for the job. All these latter cues are signs that the contractor is, in fact, being professional.

In the coming pages, we’ll look more at factors that undermine our accuracy.

EXERCISE

Explore Your Snaps

1. Think of a recent instance when you met someone and formed either a negative or a positive snap of him or her. What did this person’s body do? What was his or her voice like? Did the person’s actions match his or her words? Record or recall everything you can remember about your first few moments together and how you immediately felt in this person’s presence.

2. Think of a time when someone formed an inaccurate first impression of you that you found out about. Perhaps it was a date who later said that he thought differently of you after spending more time with you, or a colleague who was initially biased against your joining his work group. Think back and try to recall your nonverbal behaviors at the first meeting. Were you nervous? Quiet? Tired? Stressed or insecure about anything? See if you can figure out what the other person saw when he saw you.

3. Ask yourself, “What are my three best qualities?” How do you express these qualities nonverbally? When people first meet you, do they recognize that you possess these qualities?

Survival Instincts

Cavemen and cavewomen knew all about first impressions. Out hunting for food, they were vulnerable to attack by strangers. If one of our caveman ancestors suddenly spied a stranger from an unfamiliar tribe, he had to make a very quick assessment — “Does he look like he will kill me?” Yes, we can trace the ability to form accurate first impressions to our primeval origins, when we needed to protect ourselves from potentially dangerous strangers. Forming quick first impressions is one of our basic survival instincts. When our ancestor saw that stranger from an unfamiliar tribe, he had to decide quickly how to approach him or whether to approach him at all, on the strength of a first impression. In a case like this, if someone’s impression was not accurate, he — and his genes — would not survive. We are genetically predisposed to form quick, accurate first impressions.

In modern day-to-day situations, first impressions play a critical but poorly understood role. We still need to protect ourselves, and we still fear the unknown. When we meet someone, we need to know both whether it is safe to approach and how to approach and interact. We don’t know his temperament or opinions. In a sense, we don’t know if he “bites.” So we assess him quickly. We may start by putting him in a category — safe or unsafe — and acting accordingly. This is vitally important for our comfort in a peopled world. If we could not do this, it would be too scary to leave the house, our cozy cave, at all.

If someone comes into work harrumphing and rolling her eyes, stands in front of you with her arms crossed and mouth twisted, and growls, “Good morning,” you immediately form a first impression. For one thing, you know it’s not going to be a good morning as long as you have to deal with this unhappy person. If people at a social event are standing in a circle talking to one another, and one of them smiles as you approach and steps aside to let you in, she is indicating that you are welcome and accepted. No words are exchanged, but you understand immediately. We may take for granted our understanding of these kinds of interactions, but if our gut-level impressions are to be useful, we have to pay attention to them.

Stay Tuned In to Your Gut Instincts

The first time you communicate with someone, pay attention to your gut. Do you feel safe interacting with that person?

Have you ever called a friend, heard his hello, and known something was wrong? Did you change your behavior on the basis of that gut instinct? Whenever you begin interactions with people you know, check in at the gut level. What are they communicating on this day, at this moment? Do you need to step away, talk another time, or find out what’s going on and give them comfort?

Many years ago, I walked into a drugstore near my house and saw a tall man with a mustache wearing a well-tailored, three-piece suit and holding a thin, unlit cigar as he stood nonchalantly near the magazine racks by the entrance to the store. I froze in place, and every fiber of my being screamed out, “Danger, danger! Leave the store now!” There was something about him I didn’t trust. But I ignored that first impression. “This is a well-dressed man,” I thought. “You’re being ridiculous.” So I walked past him into the store and did my shopping. When I went up to the front counter with my items, the well-dressed man was in front of me checking out. I looked at him and my whole body seized up and sent the message “Danger! Leave now.” Again I ignored it, but I thought of something I had forgotten to pick up, and left the counter to go to the rear of the store. When I returned, the man was gone and the cashier stood pale and frozen behind the counter. I reached out and touched her arm, and said, “Honey, what’s wrong?” She answered, “That man just robbed me at gunpoint.”

Research proves that, while we need to create categories to understand our world, we must be careful of stereotypes, such as “well-dressed men can be trusted.” As I mentioned earlier, stereotypes are maladaptive forms of categories. They do not correspond to what is actually present in the environment. In my case, the fact that he was well dressed had no bearing on whether or not he was a gun-wielding robber.

The moral of the story? Go with your gut. Even though I am an expert in body language, I ignored my first gut-level intuition of danger because it seemed illogical. However, my subconscious mind was busy picking up on little nonverbal details that told me the guy in the suit was not harmless. My limbic brain was processing cues, including the fact that a man in a suit, in the middle of a workday, was lingering by a magazine rack but not actually looking at the periodicals. “This is weird!” said my brain, leading to my “Danger!” stress response. Later, at the checkout counter, though my conscious mind wanted me to ignore it, my limbic brain got me to leave that part of the store. I’ve had many instances of reading people with eerie accuracy at a first meeting; perhaps you have, as well. This story is a reminder to pay attention to the powerful intelligence processed with amazing speed in your deep limbic system.

In the movie The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the character Mikael Blomkvist, a journalist, goes to a suspected serial killer’s house while his suspect is gone and finds evidence that the person is indeed a killer. When Blomkvist hears that person return to the house, he starts to run away. The killer politely asks him to come back into the house for a drink, and as the killer keeps making that request, we see Blomkvist standing with his feet and lower torso turned away from the killer, signaling his desire to keep on running. Blomkvist, ignoring what his body so clearly wants to do, turns around and goes toward the killer, even as we in the audience yell out, “No, don’t do it!” When Blomkvist reenters the house, the killer greets him, revealing a gun and saying, “Our desire to be polite overrides our bodies’ desire to flee danger.”

In snap impressions, pay attention to your body. It can read clues about danger and then alert your conscious mind. Your body also signals other types of first impressions. In the next few days, as you meet new people, check in with yourself from your toes to the top of your head and see how you feel in the presence of each new person. Notice whether your body feels ill at ease or stressed in any way.

(Go to www.snapfirstimpressions.com for “Body Check In” — my instructions and a video on how to pay closer attention to your body’s signals when you meet other people.)

The Gift of Intuition

Shortly after my drugstore incident, I read Gavin de Becker’s bestseller The Gift of Fear. His premise: We are all “expert at predicting violent behavior. Like every creature, you can know when you are in the presence of danger. You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.” We downplay this remarkable inherent ability. Intuition, de Becker writes, “is often described as emotional, unreasonable, or inexplicable.” In general, “we much prefer logic.” We “worship logic, even when it’s wrong, and deny intuition, even when it’s right.”⁸

At his website — Gavindebecker.com — you can access information about signs we shouldn’t ignore. Three important danger signals that he describes are particularly helpful to note when strangers make insistent attempts at conversation, refuse to take no for an answer, and press unwanted offers of help on you: these people seem to be charged up rather than discouraged by your tension, stress, or rejection of them; don’t let you finish a sentence; or give you excessive compliments, touch you, and continue to touch you even when you freeze, block, or pull away. These behaviors may seem romantic in movies, but they are not comfortable in real life. A member of one of my first-impressions workshops came up after the break and told me, “I just realized my ex-husband gave all the verbal and nonverbal signals you showed us the day I met him. I was scared of him in that first meeting, but he was so overwhelming that I let him into my life.”

(More insights into recognizing danger and understanding our stress responses can be found at my website, www.snapfirstimpressions.com.)

First Impressions Are Sticky

Not only do we form first impressions very quickly, but also, as research has shown, it can take up to six months of constant interaction to change an incorrect first impression. This means that if you meet someone who for some reason doesn’t like you, it might take that person six months to change his mind and realize you’re a wonderful human being. That’s the power of the “primacy effect.” We tend to assign more weight to our first impression than to our later impressions. The primacy effect means that first impressions affect all future thoughts about the person. They are resistant to change partly because they are connected to our basic survival instincts.

If we get good vibes from someone we meet, we may create what I call a “halo” around her. After that meeting, every time she smiles at us, makes full eye contact, or turns her heart toward us, we subconsciously note it and take it as further evidence of her niceness. Once the halo effect has taken hold, we tend to downplay any negative nonverbals we may pick up. If our friend is rude to a waiter, raising her voice and pointing her finger, we’re apt to brush it off with “Well, the waiter was ignoring us.” The halo makes it hard for us to change our first impression.

The Power of Negative Impressions

Dan met Donna, the wife of his friend Jay. “She was sour-faced and didn’t look at me when I introduced myself,” he says. “She left the room sighing and came back and dropped the baskets of chips and crackers in front of us and sat far away. That was ten years ago, and every time I am with her I see how far away she sits from me and how she rarely laughs, and I think, ‘What a cold person.’”

The halo effect can be a marvelous thing. Research on happy marriages has shown that a spouse who fell in love at first sight may maintain a halo around his mate that allows him to be more forgiving of small transgressions. Noticing his wife commit a minor indiscretion, he is able to think, “Oh, well, that’s a little blip on this incredibly marvelous person.” This ability makes for a healthy, happy marriage. But as you might guess, the halo effect is dangerous if you don’t notice a big ole blimp flying over you with flashing lights saying, “Danger! Danger!”

Negative first impressions stick as a result of what I call the “devil effect.” Let’s say that, on the morning of your first day on a new job, you are in the parking lot waiting to pull into a space that someone is vacating. Though your signal is blinking to show your intention to take the space, another car swoops in and steals it. The parking-space poacher hops out of her car, smiles and laughs, and then shrugs her shoulders, turning quickly and walking away.

Angels and Devils

Have you experienced the halo or devil effect? Take a moment to think about a time when you had a good first impression of someone, and about the information you gathered to confirm that impression. Were you rewarded with a good friendship or business interaction? Now remember a time when you had a bad feeling about someone and later learned your impression was correct. What specific behaviors did you see or hear that confirmed your impressions? How did you feel when you first met each of these people? How did you feel around them in later interactions?

(Go to www.snapfirstimpressions.com for the video Angel or Devil: First Impression.)

Minutes later in your new office, this same woman stands in front of you and the other new employees and introduces herself as one of your new managers. Would you be impressed by her beautiful smile, confident gestures, and high-energy presentation? No way! In your first encounter with her, your gut said, “Inconsiderate and selfish.” In your future interactions with her, you would find yourself looking for information to back up this snap.

The Bad Day Blues

Because of my work, I have been in airports and on planes almost every week for years. I have always observed that the world is full of kind and openhearted people. I’ve been a real Pollyanna.

But recently I fell off a small cliff and shattered my wrist. Shortly after surgery, wearing a bright blue cast, I traveled a distance to give a speech. In the airport security line, a guy behind me was pushing plastic bins around. One of those bins held my jacket, which fell to the floor. I had to struggle to pick it up with one hand — and received no help from Pushy Guy.

When I got on the airport train that carried passengers to the gates where we would board our flights, a teenage girl stared at me blankly. She refused to move so that I could get to a seat, and so, as the train moved, I fell to the floor. From there I looked up at the teenager’s father. He said, “You should have held on to a post!” I was stunned.

This Pollyanna continued to find inconsiderate people that day — on the escalator and on the flight. I wondered, “Are people just getting ruder? What is the world coming to?” In fact, my impressions were colored by what neuroscientist Daniel Amen calls “emotional shading.”⁹ When your deep limbic system shifts into overdrive, you perceive neutral events through a negative filter. My starting from a bad place (I was in pain and worried about traveling with a cast) colored my impressions. All of us experience this, whether we are on the instigating or receiving end.

Is Your Mood Creating Bad Impressions?

Each time you get a negative first impression of someone, stop for a moment and reflect. If he seems rude or angry, cold or disconnected, ask yourself whether your mood that day is affecting your impression. Then take action to change your mood and theirs!

What You Can Learn to Change an Impression and Read Others

An enormous amount of research goes into nonverbal cues, and the studies can be fascinating. But how we act upon first impressions isn’t just theoretical; it’s wisdom you can — and should — put to use every day. Consider:

• You want to create affinity with a new customer or manager, so as you sit across the table from her, you smile as you begin talking. What else can you do nonverbally to ensure a good outcome? You will learn in chapter 5 how to use head nods differently with women versus men and torso leans to show you are interested.

• You are speaking to a small cluster of seated people and notice that one person has one foot pointed toward you and one foot pointed away from you, one guy just moved his feet apart, another’s feet are crossed at the ankle, and both of your feet just turned toward the exit. What’s going on? What do they think of you? Do they like you? You will learn that feet are the most honest portion of the body, and how they can show whether someone feels relaxed or nervous (see page 142); when someone wants to go (see page 44); that a person is signaling interest in you (see page 228); and even that someone is attempting to deceive you (see page 38).

• You see someone you are attracted to and keep glancing his way. What else can you do to encourage him to approach you, or to make it easier for you to approach him? You will learn about open-window-approach cues in chapter 2 and luring cues in chapter 4.

• A vendor says she can deliver the product on time and under budget. She raises her eyebrows and shows the palms of her hands as she speaks, and she says one of her words with a lilt in her voice. Can you believe what she’s saying? You will learn about eyebrow flashes, honest palms, and vocal cues signaling honesty in chapters 2 and 3.

• A prospective client gives you a bone-crushing handshake. What can you know about him from this? What does he think about you? You will learn in chapter 3 the secrets to handling a bone crusher and why you might feel sorry for someone who wants to crush your hand.

• Someone asks you a difficult question. You pause and then answer in a voice two octaves higher than normal. How does that affect your credibility? In chapter 2, you will learn cues to avoid giving to others if you want to be credible.

• You’ve had a bad morning. As you face your day and meet new people or even see, for the first time that day, people you already know, how do you guard against being influenced by your less-than-rose-colored glasses? In chapter 1 and throughout the book, you will learn about moods that affect our first impressions, and how to change your mood and the impressions you make on others.

We’ve seen that snap impressions are quick, accurate assessments of others, and that they give powerful impressions to others. In the next chapter we’ll explore exactly how these lightning-quick ideas are formed — and the four most important factors that form them.