Читать книгу The Book of M - Peng Shepherd - Страница 15

I DIDN’T LEAVE A NOTE, BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT BE worse. If you just think that I forgot you and wandered away, you could eventually forgive yourself, I hope. You’d still follow our first rule, before we had the other rules. The only rule that matters now. That you won’t come after me.

I know, Ory, I know. I know you made that rule to protect me. You never thought that someday, I’d be the one who didn’t return. But don’t you see? That’s why it had to be like this, like I’d already forgotten you, so you wouldn’t follow me. I did it to protect you, Ory. Not to hurt you. If you knew not only that I had left, but that I did it on purpose, while I still remember you … you wouldn’t understand. You still have your shadow—you can’t understand. No note I could leave could ever convince you not to look for me—convince you that I left because I had to. I had to. To save you.

So I left nothing. Just disappeared.

Everything looks so different, it’s hard to tell where I am. I thought I was prepared. I mean, I’ve seen the back of the shelter where the trap is, and some of the overgrown hills nearby—but the resort was always sort of foresty anyway, all grass and trees. I haven’t been outside the grounds probably since everyone else from the wedding was still here. So when I got to the bottom of the mountain and looked left and right, trying to figure out where I was, it looked so unlike Elk Cliffs Road that I never would have recognized it in a million years. I had to close my eyes and figure out what it had looked like before, how to get where I wanted to go, from memory. Which is kind of hilarious, considering. It’s fucking hilarious.

Sorry, bad joke. I guess I’m more nervous than I thought I’d be, out on my own like this.

It’s been only a few days, but I’m actually not as hungry as I expected. You remember what the scientists said, back when it started—that once a shadowless has forgotten everything, it also forgets it’s hungry or thirsty, or even that it needs to breathe. God, I hope I forget to eat or drink before I forget to breathe. I’d rather starve a hundred times than suffocate to death. Can you imagine? All that pain, the fire in your lungs, the slow, darkening stillness, and all you’d have to do is just take a breath, if only you could remember that your body could do it?

I’m sorry, Ory. I’m sure you don’t want to hear that. I find myself thinking about stranger and stranger things. Maybe it’s one of the effects.

Part of me still can’t believe I did it. That I actually left you. It almost seems like someone else’s memory when I think back on it now, for as long as I still can—like I’m watching someone who looks like me, but isn’t.

The morning of that seventh day, when you finally went to the city to search for food, you gave me one last nervous look before you shut the door behind yourself to head off. The key twisted in the lock. I waited until your footsteps had faded. If there was a window uncovered that faced the direction you were walking, I would’ve watched you hike through the ever-tangling weeds until you disappeared. Instead, I counted to five hundred.

Then I went into the closet, took down the bag of sweaters from the top shelf, and filled the purse I brought for Paul and Imanuel’s wedding with the essentials: underwear, some of our first-aid kit, one flashlight, our spare hunting knife. My tape recorder.

I worked quickly on purpose. So fast I couldn’t think about what I was actually doing. If I’d gone any slower, my resolve would have failed. I zipped up the inner pocket of the purse, threw it over my shoulder, marched to the door, turned the lock, stepped out, and then shut it behind me. Click.

That’s when I paused.

The finality of it really hit me then. That as soon as I walked away from that door, I’d never be able to find it again. I’d forget it, or the way back to it. This was really, really it.

The only thing that got my feet to move was the idea that came to me at that very moment. Until that point, I’d planned to go east, to try to make it to our home in D.C. Just to see it one last time before I forgot what it looked like. Before I forgot you. That’s probably where you would guess I tried to make it to as well—tried, but got lost and then … You know.

But then I thought, Why? Why not do the opposite? Why not see somewhere completely new for my very last days as Max?

So I went west instead.