Читать книгу Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers - Penny Palmano - Страница 13

No teenagers are perfect, and to be honest if you had a fifteen-year-old daughter who sat at home every evening wearing the sensible clothes you had chosen, never rang or went out with her friends, agreed with your every opinion, never experimented with her hair and make-up, only listened to your music and kept her room perfect, would you be deliriously happy or seriously worried? Believe me, you should be seriously worried.

Adolescents are at the crossroads between being an adult and a child and it is highly frustrating for them (and you). It is a time when they realize they can be independent from their parents yet still need their guidance, love and support, not that they’ll ever consciously accept that fact. All teenagers want to be adults but don’t have the maturity to master adult behaviour. They will often act childishly yet take umbrage if treated like one. And teenagers positively luxuriate in a world of non-responsibility; they can sit in front of a TV all day without a care in the world, make themselves sandwiches and leave the bread, filling and plates all over the kitchen.

Adolescence is a time of experimentation, and difficulties arise when parents lose the balance between allowing their teenagers to experience their new independence whilst still setting boundaries.

Trusting your teenagers is the key to their self-respect and respect of you. Most conflicts between parents and teenagers will stem from small, simple matters, such as getting in late, school work, untidy bedrooms and not helping around the house; all issues which can be settled with negotiation and compromise. Teenagers only rebel when they have something to rebel against.

Parents simply cannot parent teenagers the same way they necessarily parented them as children; their behaviour must change if they want to change their teenager’s behaviour.

For the past twelve years parents have guided and nurtured their children and now they have to step back in some areas. Although we are still there for love and support we must let our children learn new life skills, so we have to stop being over-protective or over-guiding in coping with every day problems. But teenagers still need boundaries as adolescence is a very confusing time and knowing their limits is comforting, although they may well occasionally cross them. Teenagers who are not given boundaries will be unhappy and feel depressed, although outwardly they would argue otherwise.

Many parents find it difficult to understand that, just because their adolescents choose to spend more time with their friends than they do with their family, they don’t love them any less. They will love and respect us far more for accepting they are now independent of constant parental supervision and given more responsibility to prove it. Parents also find it difficult to adjust to the emotional distance some teenagers put between them, but again this is not because their love for their parents has changed, they are in their own way weaning themselves off us. Teenagers still seek their parents’ approval and if parents are constantly criticizing them they will seek approval elsewhere. Adolescents will not turn to parents who constantly say, ‘No,’ routinely judge, order, criticize or are not open to negotiation.