Читать книгу Sweatpants at Tiffanie’s: The funniest and most feel-good romantic comedy of 2018! - Pernille Hughes - Страница 9

Packing was a bitter affair. Tiff’s playlist of Adele’s most heart-wrenching songs was enhanced by a litany of swearwords and pieces of mind she’d like to have sent Mike Fellner’s smug way. His appearing had been a gobsmacking blow, the cherry on this crappy cake of a week. If it hadn’t been happening to her she would’ve applauded the universe on its ingenuity.

Pulling the zip across the last bag gave Tiff a feeling of finality that punched her in the solar plexus and slapped her around the chops for good measure. This was really it. The End. The realisation came close to demolishing her. Sitting on the edge of her bed with her face in her hands was the only thing she could do. She’d invested everything in this relationship, this flat, this life with Gavin and it was evaporating in front of her. All she saw before her now was a huge gaping void, which she hadn’t the first clue how to navigate.

The trill of her phone didn’t raise her spirits; she didn’t believe this week was capable of good news. Morosely surveying the flat, she picked up. She hadn’t taken the piss in selecting what was hers, though she’d stifled numerous sobs as her fingers brushed over his things.

‘Babes.’

‘Shelbs.’

‘Small change of plan,’ Shelby began, and Tiffanie’s heart flattened a bit, having long since hit rock bottom. Conversations regularly started like that. Shelby was a demon for springing surprises; some crucial detail she’d forgotten to mention, or some impromptu something she’d committed them to.

‘I’ve got a date tonight. I know it’s your first night out of your flat, but we’d probably end up watching something shite on the box and that’s boring. You’d only spend the night wallowing, so I figured we should all go out.’

‘What, like tag along on your date?’ Only Shelby could imagine this was a good idea. Being in close proximity to couples was unbearable. Everything reminded her of Gavin.

‘Precisely. It’s that undertaker. From Blackie’s? The short one. Black hair, shiny teeth. So you already know him.’

‘I don’t think so, Shelb. You go. Have your date. It’s fine.’ Was this her future now; home alone or gooseberry?

‘Oh. Okay.’ As expected, she didn’t take much persuading, because Shelby was rarely one to turn down a shag. The shiny-toothed undertaker was already on a promise. ‘You get the flat in peace then, and I’ll see you in the morning. I’ll introduce him properly then. This one’s a total H-O-Teeee.’ All of Shelby’s men were ‘total hotties’, though some days Shelby had stronger filters than others.

Suddenly the thought of sleeping at Shelby’s or not sleeping rather, (because Shelby was wall-defyingly LOUD) was more than Tiff could handle.

‘Actually, Shelb, I was about to call. About tonight.’

‘’S’up?’

‘Well, Gav won’t be home tonight after all.’ Tiff felt awful lying to her best friend, honestly she did, but there were times in life where you had to poo on your moral compass.

‘I thought he was on a course.’

‘He is. It got extended.’

‘So how does a course get extended?’

‘Hmm, I guess they have a bonus day for the brilliant ones,’ Tiff supplied. ‘So, I’ll stay here tonight,’ she moved the conversation on, ‘you know, pack the last things.’ Tiff looked at her bags and boxes lined up by the door. A full week’s laundry sat damp from a last-second wash-cycle in an Ikea bag. Her instinct for clean knickers was the only functioning survival skill she still had faith in.

‘You can spend the evening sowing cress in cock shapes on the carpet and selling his stuff on eBay for 99p,’ Shelby suggested. Tiff looked at the sofa and was tempted.

‘He hasn’t cheated on me, Shelbs. I don’t need revenge for anything. It just petered out. We wanted different things…’

‘Give me strength,’ Shelby muttered at the other end. ‘Don’t make out like this was some well-considered mutual decision. He decided to ditch you after ten years, on your anniversary, Tiff. His Facebook status was Single by the next day. He doesn’t need anyone else lined up, he’s still the supernova of all arseholes. What’s worse is he doesn’t even think he’s behaved badly, or else he’d never have dared leave you alone in the flat.’

‘See, Shelb, that’s where you’ve failed to appreciate the relationship we had,’ Tiff said tightly, needing to claw a modicum of dignity, deliberately expunging the Facebook thing from her brain, lest it break her completely. She wasn’t a Facebooker; social media had never been her friend. ‘Gav and I can come out of this as two adults, peacefully, respectfully and without my cutting the crotches out of his suits.’ Shelby had once peed on a guy’s doorstep every Friday night for a full three months, for not calling her. She was sensitive like that. Conversely, it was important to Tiff to vacate the flat in a dignified manner, despite wanting to fling herself wailing across the floor and chain herself to some furniture. Gavin had to think highly of her if she wanted any chance of getting him back. Gavin valued decorum. ‘Look, I’ll call you tomorrow for the lowdown on the hottie,’ Tiff diverted. ‘Night Shelbs.’

‘Night babes.’

Hanging up, Tiff experienced simultaneous relief and panic. Not staying at Shelby’s had felt vital, but it left her in a quandary of where to go. Gavin was due home at ten and she had to be gone by then. He’d made his position clear, she didn’t want to appear needy nor, for that matter, squatting. As her middle-of-the-night sex offensive – oh god, the shame – had failed so miserably, the only way she’d win Gavin back would be to show him what he was missing in different ways. Who knew, maybe simply not having her around might do it? That could happen, right? He hadn’t called her during the week, and no texts had appeared; obviously he was busy, so coming back to an empty flat, tired without her to fetch him a cold beer and a sandwich might bring home how entwined their paths actually were.

Her keys lay on the table by the door. It wasn’t a big bunch; there was the key to the flat, which she’d have to leave; Shelby’s key and the keys to the gym and her car. She could sleep in the car she supposed, although once her bags, boxes and double duvet were in it, she’d be driving with her knees up around her ears. There was only so much you could get into a Tiffany-blue Mini, four doors or not. That’s what happened when your buying criteria was ‘adorable’.

Out of sleeping options and time, Tiff decided she’d try the Premier Lodge around the corner from the gym for a couple of nights. In the meantime, she’d reconsider the rental availabilities. Tiff saw her status had shifted from chooser to beggar.

She started loading the car with all her earthly belongings. There was no way she’d be able to truck all of this into a hotel room. Shelby’s place was too small for anything more than a spare pair of knickers and her toiletries bag. Jangling the keyring in her hand the answer came to her; storing it all at the gym was the only solution. Thankfully Leonards hadn’t seen fit to take her key back. So surely, until the new owners decided what to do with the place, and repossessed the keys, it was – technically speaking – business as usual. It was purely a matter of temporary storage; it wasn’t like she was moving in or anything. It’d all be out of the way in the back storeroom and gone by Monday night. No harm done. The plan was set. Tiff functioned best when she had a plan.

With only ten minutes to spare, a sweating Tiff had successfully vacated the flat, although the final locking of the door had broken her dam of sobs and a wet-patch on the paintwork was testament to her face being propped against it for a while. She was officially homeless. But Gavin was a stickler for time keeping –‘Time is everything, Tiff. Five minutes make the difference between victory and defeat, Horatio Nelson’ – so she’d forced herself off. The last bags were heaved, rammed, then frenziedly kicked into the car, before she was off down the road, keenly aware of her new fall from grace as the streets became increasingly more shabby as she went.

The gym was closed out of respect. Walking in with the first bags, being met by a wall of darkness and silence, Tiff freaked on a minor scale. She was used to the squeaking sounds of trainers on the varnished floor, the oof of men being punched in the belt and the grunts as they tried to plant a revenge throw to the face. And, generally, Blackie had been in the building. It would never be the same; no more ‘Morning love,’ no more ‘Ta love’ for the tea.

The building wasn’t particularly cold, but it gave her a shiver. With it came a wave of exhaustion so depleting she was tempted to drop and curl up on the spot. Her plan to neatly stash all her things upstairs was back-burnered as she slung them haphazardly inside the door. The gym opened the next morning at 8 a.m. for the Earlybirds, or ‘Clinically Insane’ as Tiff referred to them. She just had to make sure she was up before then to cover her tracks.

Tiff should have known this wasn’t a week where plans had meaning or jurisdiction. Firstly the rain upped its game from drizzle to hoying-down. The sprint to the car wasn’t a dry one. Tiff held onto the dream of a steaming bath at the hotel. She’d grab a brandy from the bar on the way up too. Surely it would count as medicinal, all things considered? Only she hadn’t accounted for the Friday wedding in the Bothroyd suite which had guests staying in all the rooms. Every last one.

Which was how Tiff found herself back at the gym, curled up on the ancient office sofa, knickers and greying bras drying on the radiator. Heating and toilet access had won the Car versus Gym debate. She’d kept Blackie’s desk light on, moved his chair away from her line of sight then wept over every rubbish thing that had happened in the last five days.