Читать книгу The Cornucopia Radio Ebook - Peter Beeston - Страница 8

AN OLD MAN LIES DOZING IN A HOSPITAL BED FOLLOWING AN UNSPECIFIED TREATMENT. HIS WELL SPOKEN SON GENTLY WAKES HIM.

SON: Wake up dad, we’re here to take you home.

FATHER: (groggy) Oh, hello son.

SON: Hello dad. Janice and I are here to take you home. Everything’s sorted and we’ve just had a long chat with Mr Smith about what you need to do when you get home.

FATHER: Mr. Smith?

SON: (condescendingly) Yes, Mr. Smith, you know, Mr Smith…your specialist. He says we’ve got to find you plenty to do once you get home. You know, pastimes, hobbies, anything to keep you active. You’ve given us all a bit fright. Finding you on the floor like that.

FATHER: On t’ floor?

SON: Yes, at the side of your computer. In a way, it was slightly amusing, the way your trousers had fallen down as well. You must have snagged them on the desk as you fell. Anyway, you seem to be OK now so that’s how we want things to stay. You need to get out more. Spending all that time on the internet checking your shares and so on. It’s not good for you at your age. It really isn’t.

FATHER: Aye, I think you’re right son. Laying ‘ere, it’s given me time to think about what I really want to do.

SON: That’s great dad. Janice has picked up a couple of cassette tapes for you. You like Perry Como and Flanders and Swann don’t you. You could get back in touch with your old wartime buddies again couldn’t you? That would be nice wouldn’t it? You stopped meeting them once you got that blasted computer didn’t you?

FATHER: They were all right I suppose, old ‘Biffy’ Morris is a nice bloke. I just got a bit fed up with ‘em all. I suggested we all go on a sight seeing trip to Thailand last year but they just wanted to stick to Mablethorpe again.

SON: What would you like to do? This weekend say. It should be a good 2 days for pottering around the old garden again. That’s something else you’ve allowed to get a bit ‘out of hand’ shall we say, since you got on the internet. I honestly don’t know how you can pass the time like that. It must be frightfully boring.

FATHER: Yes, I do need to get out and about again. Live it up a bit. I think what I’d really like to do is get back into a hobby I let slide way back when mum became ill.

SON: What’s that? The old plastic modelling? You used to have a great collection at one time didn’t you dad.

FATHER: No, not plastic models again. I’m on about ‘having it off’.

SON: Having what off?

FATHER: It…. You know. Makin’ ‘Woopee’. Horizontal ballroom dancin’, playin’ hide the policeman’s helmet… Yes, it’ll be nice to get back into it. I haven’t had a go since 1972 but I dare say I’ll soon get back into the swing.

SON: (Shocked) You want to start doing it again? But dad, you’re 87 years old. You can’t start having it off again, now.

FATHER: Why not? It’s about time I saw some action again.

SON: What on earth will mum think of the idea? She’s not in the best of health these days.

FATHER: What’s it got to do with her?

SON: She’s mum. I don’t think she’s really up to it and ….even if she was, I mean really, you’re both a bit old for that sort of carry on aren’t you?

FATHER: Good grief, I won’t be having a crack at mum. She’s old. I was thinking more someone mid to late 20s. A young Melinda Messenger type, you know…but perhaps a bit bigger on top if you follow.

SON: Have you gone completely mad? I mean… even if this plan was remotely decent, how on earth do you think you are going to ‘liaise’ with someone like Melinda Messenger? How would you meet such a woman in the first place?

FATHER: Are there any decent lookin’ lasses at your place?

SON: There are lots of nice members of the opposite sex at Jones, Franklin and Masters Financial Services, but unfortunately for you dad, NONE of them would be interested in an old duffer like you… I mean…this is outrageous.

FATHER: Look son, I know you have my best interests in mind and I know you want me to get a hobby or interest that will keep me active but I am definitely NOT going to be playing crown green bowls, skittles, or any other hobby that involves being surrounded by wrinklies. No. I’m going to start having it off and that’s that.

SON: Look dad, I’m not going to sit back and let you make a fool of yourself so forget about having it off as you so crudely put it. Look dad I think you’re perhaps not ‘fully’ recovered from the fall. Perhaps you should have a lot of rest. You sound as though you need a nice holiday to help you build up your strength and get all these daft ideas out of your mind. Where would you like to go dad. Don’t worry about the cost. We just want you to get better. What do you think? Italy is lovely this time of year. Or how about a Rhine cruise?

FATHER: (tentatively) Bangkok sounds nice. Nice beaches Lovely relaxing scenery. Dave, one of my internet friends says the locals are very friendly. They love English people out there…Can’t do enough for you... Yes… Bangkok.

SON: (relieved) That sounds more like it dad. You’re such a joker. I never know when to take you seriously. I knew you would see sense eventually. Hopefully, it’ll give you time to think about the ridiculous things you’ve just been saying. What are we going to do with you dad eh?

FATHER: Aye, a nice relaxing holiday in Bangkok. Pity mum won’t be able to go with her heart problem and the like, but I’ll make the best of it on my own. Just go and grab yourselves a drink while I get my stuff together for the trip home.

SON LEAVES THE ROOM AND YOU CAN HEAR THE FATHER USING A TELEPHONE. HE DIALS AND A MOMENT LATER SAYS:

FATHER: Hello Dave. Yes, the plan worked perfectly. ‘Chitty Titty Bangkok’ here we come.