Читать книгу Penis Envy - Peter Sacco - Страница 11

Give a woman a job and she grows balls.

~ Jack Gelber

Now we come to the serious stuff! We mean the chaos, mayhem and confusion that penis envy causes those who suffer from it.

Keep in mind the four species of male:

o Those that have penis envy and don’t know.

o Those that have penis envy and refuse to believe it.

o Those that have penis envy, acknowledge that they have it, and enjoy and use it to their advantage.

o Those that don’t have penis envy (very rare species).

We will briefly summarize the types of penis envy that will be discussed in further detail throughout the ensuing chapters. You can either take this information as insightful and educational, or ignore it all together.

The most prevalent types of penis envy are:

o Grown Men Who Still Live With Their Parents

o Broken Back Hill

o Dude Looks Like A Lady

o Master-Bates Syndrome

o Fan Obsession Syndrome

o Little Big Man Syndrome

o Clingers

o Metrosexuals

o Bitch Tit Guys

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1) Grown Men Who Still Live With Their Parents

This type of penis envy was inspired from the character, George Costanza, in the hit television series, Seinfeld. This type of penis envy is specific to men in their late thirties and older still living at home with mom and dad with no intention of moving out.

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2) Broken Back Hill

This type of penis envy is inspired by the movie Brokeback Mountain. This is a type of penis envy where men envy another man’s penis. These men may be gay but they are involved with or married to women and claim to be heterosexual. Every so often, they feel the need to climb another man’s hill (or mountain!).

These penis enviers will adamantly deny they are gay or homosexual. They may even go so far to deny they are bi-sexual. Their sexual encounters would slip somewhere into a twilight zone where nothing makes sense. Freud referred to these men as possessing latent homosexuality.

They didn’t have homosexual encounters when they were younger but are often fascinated with them as adults. As men they want a taste of how the other half lives. We would also assert the same principles apply for she-male encounters.

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3) Dude Looks Like A Lady!

Dude refers to the “coolness” in referring to a guy. In some cultures dude means dung! We are not referring to dung. In fact, we are not even referring to men. Rather, we are referring to women who act, dress and/or look like men. They possess some intense or untoward fascination for looking like a man.

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4) Master-Bates Syndrome

Master-Bates Syndrome is based on the intense, lasting relationship between mothers and their sons. We are not implying they are incestuous or sexual in nature, but for all we know they could be.

What is implied is that the son becomes a substitute for a husband, a kind of symbolic man-about-the-house figure, and the mother becomes the cherry of her son’s eye.

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5) Fan Obsession Syndrome

This type of penis envy is for men who worship, adore and idolize professional athletes, actors or celebrities. It’s one thing to be a sport’s junky and obsess over your favorite team, but this syndrome takes obsession to new levels.

Grown men dress, talk, walk and act like their heroes. They defend their heroes. They are even willing to jeopardize or lose their relationships and jobs for their heroes. Rarely do their heroes even know they exist.

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6) Little Big Man Syndrome

This syndrome is for those men who feel small in stature and feel the need to look and be bigger. We’ve broken down these folks into one of two categories.

The first category we will call the Knockwurst Boys. These are men who are already large (fat or muscular) who want to appear even bigger. In order to achieve this, they wear clothes, usually T-shirts or banana hammocks (see Speedos), which are one or two sizes too small. Everything hangs out. The appearance is like a burst sausage that has sat on the barbeque way too long.

The second group describes the classical “little big man”, those Napoleons of the world who are small or petite in stature and dress “bigger”. Typically, this man likes clothes that are extra large to XXX large. If the XXX logo is on the outside of the shirt then that’s even better!

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7) Clingers

Clingers, also known as cling-ons and parasites, are those men who wait for leftovers so to speak. They are like hyenas. They wait for their friends to break up with their girlfriends so they can move in for the kill. They may also stalk in bars, waiting for their prey (women) to become intoxicated before they move in.

This category would also include those oh-so-friendly folk who try to become friends with their friend’s friends.

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8) Metrosexuals

Meterosexuals are men who can be mistaken for homosexual, but often they are not. They are “pretty boy” men who may even dress feminine. They are also more likely to wear many of the traditional make-ups women use; eye-shadow, liners, blushes and lipstick. Many of them will also mimic mannerisms deemed feminine and use traditional female “catchphrases”.

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9) Bitch Tit Guys

These are men with big breasts who are very proud to flaunt them.

These breasts are not the end result of pumping iron and drinking protein shakes. Rather, they are sloppy, flabby, drooping accessories to beer bellies! These men have their own non-choreographed, synchronized, bouncing torso show when their shirts come off!