Читать книгу John Brown: Confessions of a New Army Cadet - R. W. Campbell - Страница 8

Table of Contents

The old ‘com.’ fairly caught me out at the ‘prelim.’ We had a general knowledge paper set—a fairly easy thing. I finished mine in about half-an-hour; then, getting bored waiting for Beefy, I started to write some skittish answers for my own amusement. Beefy, who is a practical joker, got hold of these, and when we were asked to pass our papers up, substituted the wretched things for my real answers. Just to show you how I put my foot in it, here are samples of the silly tripe I concocted.

(Q.) What is meant by strategy? (A.) Giving a fellow a thick ear—suddenly.

(Q.) Explain the term Tactics. (A.) Correct handling of a platoon when passing a brewery.

(Q.) What is an outpost? (A.) A military mortuary.

(Q.) What is meant by camouflage? (A.) Wearing a Burberry to hide a hole in your pants.

(Q.) Who is Allenby? (A.) The fellow who didn’t make a mess of Gaza.

(Q.) What should an officer always say to the men? (A.) ‘Get your hair cut.’

Now, just imagine what the old ‘com.’ thought of me when he went through this piffle. I was in a blue funk. To make matters worse, it was Saturday and leave-day. Adela had got her mother and father off to a Red Cross bazaar, and she had engaged the drawing-room for us—all to ourselves. Beefy and her sister had commandeered the dining-room. This heavenly prospect was damped by a terrible cloud.

‘Cheer up, John Brown,’ said Beefy.

‘That’s all jolly fine, Beefy. You’ve let me down, and if I get chucked out, it’s all your fault.’

‘You’re a ruddy pessimist. The old colonel is a sport. He’ll be tickled to death. Of course, he will probably have you up, make a hellifa fuss, &c.; but when you go out he’ll burst with laughter. You have got no humour, you silly ass. And you forget that the old chap used to do things at Sandhurst. Hang it all! it’s only a rag; and if there’s trouble, John, I’ll own up. I’m not a sneak.’

‘Fall in for lecture,’ shouted the C.S.M. ‘And, I say,’ he added.

‘What, sergeant-major?’

‘Is John Brown here?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re for orderly-room after the lecture. Make your will out. You’re going to be hanged, drawn, and quartered.’

‘Right-o!’ I answered, making the best of a bad job.