Читать книгу Postcards From…Verses Brides Babies And Billionaires - Rebecca Winters - Страница 64

THE GENUINE CONCERN Nikolai had been showing her all week, taking time out from the office and going sightseeing with her, had definitely brought them closer in many ways. After the disastrous way last weekend had ended she felt a glimmer of hope and the uneasy sensation that she was doing the wrong thing marrying him melted into the background.

Today he’d chosen a trip on the Hudson River to see the Statue of Liberty. He’d hired a private boat and it was so romantic it reinstated the flailing hope. It was a perfect spring day but, even so, the motion of the boat was making her queasy. Just as she had done every day this week, she tried to hide it from him but, as if he’d become tuned into her feelings, he guessed she was unwell.

‘This wasn’t such a good idea,’ he said as he stood behind her and pulled her close against him. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of being cared for, being protected. Deep down it was all she’d ever wanted. Love and protection had been so lacking in her childhood it had become the elusive dream. A dream which right at this moment felt tantalisingly close.

‘It’s fine,’ she said as she snuggled closer. The spring wind not yet carrying any warmth didn’t help, but, against the man she was most definitely falling in love with, she really didn’t care about anything. Being here in his arms like this was so right, so natural, she didn’t want anything to spoil it. ‘I just don’t think I can take photos today.’

‘Then don’t.’ He kissed the top of her head and she smiled. Was he falling in love with her too? Could she be on the brink of her happy-ever-after? ‘You should stop working and just enjoy the moment. Photographs can wait.’

‘Can I ask you something?’ She started speaking while watching the buildings of New York become ever taller and more modern as they made their way down the river towards downtown Manhattan. Before he had a chance to reply, she spoke again. ‘Have you ever been in love?’

She needed to ask, needed to know if he’d ever let a woman into his heart before, but the tension in his arms as he held her warned her she’d gone too far.

‘No.’ The sharply spoken word told her more than she needed to know. ‘You know what happened when I was a child. You even told me yourself that you didn’t believe in such nonsense as love.’

‘I didn’t,’ she said softly and swallowed down the disappointment. If his mother had found happiness after such a terrible marriage, then love must exist. Her heart was opening to the idea, but could his?

‘I hope that doesn’t mean you’ve changed your mind.’ The sharpness of his words cut the air around them and she shivered, as if winter had returned.

Her heart went into freefall and she focused hard on the New York skyline, determined not to allow his throwaway comments to hurt her, but the truth was she had changed her mind. She’d changed it because of her deepening feelings for him, feelings that she knew for sure could only be love.

‘Of course I haven’t,’ she said quickly, sensing that to tell him now wouldn’t be sensible. She had to remember why she was here as his fiancée at all. She was carrying his child and he’d made a deal with her, a deal which gave her baby all she’d missed out on as a child, and she wasn’t about to jeopardise that. ‘We are doing this for our child.’

‘And your sister.’ His stern reminder left her in no doubt he considered his offer the deal clincher. It was nothing more than a deal for him, but his next words cut her heart in two, making her feel shallow. ‘Funds for her “dream”, as you called it, were the sealing factor in the deal, were they not?’

He let her go and moved to stand next to her, feigning an interest in the city’s skyline, and she knew she’d got too close to the barriers erected around him, barriers to prevent him from being affected by any kind of sentimental feelings. Deep inside her that newly discovered well of hope dried up. She had thought he might be able to find it in his heart to feel something for her, as she was beginning to for him.

They’d created a child together in a night of passion, a child that would bind them together for evermore, but she wanted more than that. She wanted to be loved and love in return. Every night this week, since they’d returned from their engagement party, the hours of darkness had been filled with passion and her love had grown, but for him it had been nothing more than sex.

She’d let herself down, done the one thing he’d warned her not to do. She wanted more; it hurt to admit it, but she loved him. She tried to distract herself with thoughts of her sister but they made her lonelier than she’d ever been. The last few times she’d called her, Jess hadn’t been able to take the call, and she’d just received brief texts in reply.

‘I’d like to see if Jess can make it to New York for our wedding.’ She tried tentatively to steer the discussion away from the subject of love. Maybe it was a safer thing to talk about. ‘Do we have a date yet?’

He laughed softly and looked at her, almost frazzling her resolve not to feel anything for him. ‘Are you that keen to become my wife or are you just changing the subject?’

‘There’s nothing to be gained by waiting now we have agreed our terms.’ It might be the truth, but her voice had a tart edge to it as she tried to stem the hurt and rejection growing within her.

He looked at her, studying her face for a few seconds, and all she could hear was the sound of the boat engine and the wash of water. The spring sunshine was warm on her face, but not as searing as his gaze. ‘Then you’ll be pleased to know it has all been arranged for this Saturday.’

‘Saturday?’ She whirled round to face him, not caring that she was missing the spectacular views he’d brought her here to see. Saturday was too soon. She’d never be able to organise Jess flying in from Moscow by then. Was he deliberately trying to cut her off from everything she held dear? ‘Jess will never be able to get here by Saturday—and she’s all I have, Nikolai.’

Before he could answer, her phone rang and she snatched at the chance of avoiding his scrutiny. She’d left so many messages for Jess, it had to be her, and she needed to speak to her now more than ever. She looked at the screen, but it wasn’t her sister. It was Richard. Nikolai looked down at the screen while she thought of not answering. She didn’t need to talk to Richard of all people right at this moment, no matter how much he’d helped her get her contract with World in Photographs.

‘You had better answer that.’ His voice was harsh, each word clipped with anger. She looked up at him in confusion but he turned from her and walked away a few paces.

‘Richard,’ she said as she answered the call. ‘How lovely to hear from you.’

Nikolai didn’t like the way Emma smiled as she spoke to Richard or the way she’d turned her back on him to take the call. He recalled he was the photographer who’d helped her get her career off the ground, but now he was beginning to question exactly what she thought of him.

‘The article is out?’ Emma’s voice carried across the deck as she continued her call. ‘That’s brilliant. Thanks for calling to tell me—and, Richard, thanks for your help.’

Nikolai clenched his jaw against the irrational anger which bubbled up just from hearing her talk to this other man. Was it really possible that he was jealous? The thought was ludicrous. To be jealous of another man he’d have to have feelings for Emma—deep feelings he just didn’t want.

He turned to watch her as she spoke on the phone. Her long silky hair was in a ponytail down her back, but the wind kept playing with it, reminding him how it felt against his skin while she slept. For the last week, since the night they had returned from their engagement party, she had spent every night in his bed. Each of those nights of passion had claimed them in its frenzied dance; afterwards she’d always slept wrapped around him and he’d enjoyed the closeness.

Her laughter as she responded to something Richard said only served to send his irritation levels higher and he turned from her, determined he wasn’t going to be affected by it. Their marriage was to be one of convenience for the sake of his child and all he had to do was remind himself how easily she’d been talked into the marriage once he’d used the lure of funds for her sister.

Before Richard had called, he’d been about to tell her that he’d made arrangements for Jess to come to New York for the wedding. He’d put things in motion after the engagement party, which had been all about his family and friends, because he’d wanted her to have someone there for her. He’d also insisted that the wedding itself was limited strictly to close family, which had been a battle with his mother, but now the urge to tell her these details had gone.

‘That was Richard,’ she said as she joined him and he certainly couldn’t miss the smile on her face. Irritation surged deeper through him at the happiness in her voice. ‘The article is out and he said it’s really good.’

‘If it’s what I have already read, then I am pleased for you.’ He kept his voice neutral, not wanting a trace of any kind of emotion to be heard, especially the new and strange one he suddenly had to deal with.

‘Why would it be any different?’ She frowned up at him. ‘You don’t trust me, do you, Nikolai?’

Of course he didn’t trust her and now, thanks to a moment of weakness, she knew everything. She still had the ability to shatter his mother’s happiness. That was something he wasn’t going to allow to happen at any price and precisely why he’d flown to Russia in the first place.

‘Is Richard a close friend of yours?’ he asked, unable to keep his curiosity under control any longer, or the anger at the way the idea of Richard and Emma being close filled him with such strong emotions.

‘Why do you ask?’ Her cautious question was just what he’d expected—and feared. She was hiding something; of that he was certain.

Despite his suspicions, there was no way he was going to let her know how he felt, so he assumed an air of indifference he definitely didn’t feel. ‘I have limited the wedding guests to immediate family and close friends. I just wanted to know if he was a close friend.’

She looked down, not able to meet his gaze, and when she looked up again disappointment and sadness were in her eyes, but he refused to be made to feel guilty. ‘He’s helped me a lot and, yes, once I hoped we could be more than friends. I’m sure there are women like that in your past.’

He hadn’t anticipated such honesty and it threw him off balance for a moment as he realised the truth of what she’d said. ‘There was someone once, yes.’

Why had he said that? Why had he brought his ex-fiancée into this?

‘Someone you loved?’ she asked cautiously.

‘No, someone I couldn’t love, someone who needed that from me and I couldn’t give it to her—or maybe it was because I didn’t want to give it. Either way, the engagement ended.’

‘You were engaged?’ Her brows lifted in surprise and he regretted saying anything, but then maybe it would back up all he’d already told her, convince her that love was not something he could do.

‘I was, yes.’ He didn’t want to have this conversation with her. It was something he never spoke of.

She clutched at her hair and looked away from him, as if she sensed his reluctance to talk. ‘I’ve always wanted to see the Statue of Liberty. Thanks for this.’

Shocked by her change of subject, he looked up, and sure enough they were close to the statue as it reached up into the spring sky. He’d been so absorbed in her and the way he was thinking about her, feeling about her, that he hadn’t even registered they’d got this far.

Emma turned and looked at him, her expression serious. What was it about this woman that muddled his senses so much? Every time he was with her he lost all clarity on what it was he wanted from her and from life.

‘I don’t expect love from you, Nikolai.’ Her voice was as clear as a mountain stream but it didn’t settle the unease he felt.

‘What do you expect?’

‘Nothing, Nikolai. You’ve made that perfectly clear from the very beginning. Our marriage is purely for the baby’s sake.’ She laid her hand lightly on his arm and, just as he had done before, he pulled back from her touch, not wanting such intimacy.

‘We each have things to gain from the marriage, Emma.’

Emma looked at Nikolai and her heart began to break. She knew the whole thing was a deal, that their marriage was nothing more than a convenience, but always there had been a spark of hope fuelled by the heady passion they’d shared. Now that spark had gone, extinguished by his cold words.

‘All I want is to be able to bring up my child, Nikolai. Do you promise me my ability to do that will never be questioned, even if we are apart?’ She didn’t want to tell him the truth behind her demands, but if it made him realise just how much she wanted this then it would have to be done.

She wanted her child to know who she was, not to think of her as a distant shadow in the background, as her own mother had become. It still hurt that a woman could turn her back so easily on the two children she’d given birth to, but she’d always told herself and Jess that their mother had been sick and didn’t know what she was doing. Now, with her own baby on the way, she seriously doubted this. Her mother just hadn’t wanted either her or Jess.

Nikolai’s dark eyes searched hers but she couldn’t look into them for fear he’d see the pain she felt about her mother and she looked beyond him to the passing city as the boat headed back along the river to the pier they’d left earlier.

‘Why would I ever question that?’ He moved a little closer, as if sensing there was much more to her demand.

She looked back at him, feeling the cooling wind in her face. ‘I have already told you my sister and I were in care as children.’

He frowned and looked down at her, his mouth set in a firm line of annoyance. She was well aware now that he hated personal conversations, anything that meant he might have to connect emotionally. Did he think she was trying to make him feel sorry for her?

Before he could say anything which might stop the flow of words from her, she continued. Whatever he thought, this was something that had to be told. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life, whether living with Nikolai or not, worried that she might be classed as an unfit mother and her child taken from her. She knew what it felt like to be that child.

‘We were taken into care because my mother couldn’t look after us. She’d rather have cuddled a bottle of something strong and alcoholic than hold my sister, and certainly hadn’t worried about me.’

She looked directly at the passing buildings, into the mass of stone and windows that created a maze that ordinarily she’d long to explore. Now it was just something to look at. She couldn’t look at Nikolai, didn’t want to see the disapproval on his face. All she wanted was the promise that, no matter what happened between them, she could be a mother to her child.

‘Do you really think I would keep a mother and child apart?’ The stinging anger in his voice forced her to turn and look at him, and his dark eyes sparked with annoyance, heightening her own sense of anxiety.

‘You made it virtually impossible for me to refuse the marriage deal.’ Had he forgotten how he’d dominated that discussion?

‘You were the one who quickly accepted the suggestion of funds for your sister.’

‘It wasn’t exactly a suggestion, Nikolai. It was more of a demand. It probably even comes much closer to blackmail.’ She should tell him about her father, about the fear and rejection she’d grown up with.

Darkness clouded his eyes, as if the spring sun had slipped behind a cloud. ‘It was not a demand and most certainly not blackmail. What kind of man do you think I am that I need to use such underhanded tactics?’

Defiantly she looked up into the icy blackness of his eyes. Her heart was pounding in her chest but she knew this had to be dealt with before they married. She didn’t want to enter into a marriage, even a loveless one, with unresolved issues such as these. She couldn’t live with that uncertainty hanging over her.

‘I don’t know, Nikolai. You have made it clear marriage isn’t something you want to enter into freely, and yet you insist your mother lives under the illusion that we are in love. What kind of man does that make you?’

‘I want only the best for my child. That’s what kind of man I am.’

The boat bumped against the pier and Nikolai looked at Emma, wondering just what kind of monster she thought he was. Did she really believe he would separate her and their child, after all he’d told her about his childhood? Anger rushed through him and he couldn’t look at her any more, couldn’t take the accusation in her eyes.

Had he made a mistake, insisting on marriage? He couldn’t walk away from his child, but none of this felt right.

No, it had to be this way. It was the only way he could prove he was not like his father, that despite the genes inside him he had his mother’s goodness, he could be a good father. He wanted his son or daughter’s childhood to be very different from what he’d known—and from what Emma had known, if what she’d told him was anything to go by.

‘Do you really believe a loveless marriage is the way to achieve that?’ she demanded hotly.

Her question caught him off guard and neither of them moved, despite the need to leave the boat. That word again. Why did love have to come into everything?

‘Our marriage will achieve that precisely because it won’t be swallowed up by nonsense such as love.’ The hardness of his tone shocked her; he could see it in her eyes, feel it radiating off her.

‘And what if one of us falls in love?’ Her bold question challenged him from every side. Nikolai’s suspicion about the ever-helpful Richard increased.

‘If what you told me before is true, that will not happen. Neither of us believe in love—unless of course you are already in love with another man?’ Again that irrational jealousy seeped into him as he thought of how happy she’d been talking to Richard on the phone. How she’d smiled and laughed.

‘How can I love another man when I have known only you?’ The hurt in her voice was clear, but his rational sense had jumped ship, replacing it with intense jealousy for a man he hadn’t even met. A man who could make his fiancée smile so brightly that happiness danced in her eyes.

‘Do you love Richard?’ He couldn’t think clearly, and didn’t even register her words properly, but fired the question at her. She gasped in shock and stepped back from him.

‘You think I am in love with Richard?’

‘Why is that so implausible?’ Impatience filled him at her act of innocence. She’d used that act once before.

‘Because he’s a friend. But I’ll be honest with you—it hurts like hell to feel anything for someone who feels nothing for you. But you wouldn’t know what that’s like, would you, Nikolai?’

Before he had a chance to ask more, she left him standing on the deck and he watched as she disembarked and strode away from him. What the hell had all that meant?