Читать книгу Mills & Boon Christmas Delights Collection - Джанис Мейнард, Rebecca Winters - Страница 25

Chapter Sixteen

Janey opened the door, took one look and pulled me inside without saying a word.

‘I am such an idiot!’ I declared as Janey handed me another mug of tea.

‘No you’re not. Don’t you dare start thinking that any of this is your fault!’

‘But he was right, wasn’t he? I should have had an inkling that something was amiss. A normal person would haven’t just swallowed everything he told me about always working or travelling!’

Janey’s expression changed, her face taking on a seriousness that I was used to seeing on her brother, but rarely on her. Leaning across, she grabbed my hands so that I was turned to face her on the sofa.

‘Now you listen to me, Katie Stone. You’re not an idiot and you’re not abnormal. You trusted the man you were in a relationship with because you are a good, sweet, loving woman. And all that is good stuff! It’s nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for. The villain here is that shit Calum who took complete advantage of all of that.’

‘I should have sensed something, Janey,’ I said sadly.

‘Why would you? You’re a lot of things, love, but you’re not a mind reader.’

‘I should have seen the signs. You know I should. God, I saw them enough at home! How could I have missed them here?’

‘You can’t compare all that to this,’ she said, softly, gently rubbing my back as more tears trickled slowly down my face, plopping rhythmically onto the fabric of my dress.

‘But I do. It’s the same thing.’

‘It’s not. Not at all.’

‘Perhaps it’s something in the genes. Maybe I’m not meant to have a normal, happy relationship.’

‘Well, that’s the biggest load of bollocks I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.’

‘I hated my dad for what he did to Mum; cheating on her, sending her further and further into depression. I wanted her to just leave him. I couldn’t see why she wouldn’t. And every time I begged her, tried to get her to see that we could start again, just me and her somewhere else, she just shook her head and told me that she loved him.’

Janey reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear.

‘Not everyone’s as strong as you Kate.’

‘It’s not that, Janey. I think I’ve spent so long trying not to be Mum, that I’ve turned into my father.’

‘What? Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘I’ve been sleeping with a married man, for God’s sake!’ I said, leaping up from the sofa. ‘Maybe I did know! How could I not have some sort of suspicion? Jesus! My mum was in a drunken stupor for most of the time and even she knew my father was up to something. And here I am, an apparently intelligent, successful businesswoman who just accepts that her boyfriend can’t see her very much, who has his phone switched off at the weekends most of the time to “destress”, and who can never take me to his house because it is continually being worked on. Maybe I did know, or suspect, and I just buried it deep inside because I didn’t want to admit that I’m just as bad as my father!’

Janey began pushing herself up a little awkwardly from the sofa and I automatically held out my hands to help pull her up.

‘Thanks. Now, I’m going to ask you something and you have to give me the absolute honest truth.’

I pushed my hair back from my face.

‘OK.’

She took my hands and met my eyes, her intense green gaze boring into mine. ‘Look me in the eye and tell me if you ever had any, even the tiniest, thought that the man you were seeing was married.’

I looked back, the answer tumbling about in my head, frustrating me, yet freeing me at the same time.

‘Oh God, Janey. I didn’t have a bloody clue.’ I felt the tears prick my eyes again.

My friend pulled me to her, the baby bump making me stick my bum out in an inelegant and slightly uncomfortable manner, but I didn’t care. It was true. I hadn’t known. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. Calum must be a pretty good damn salesmen because he had sold me a scenario and I’d bought it without question.

Janey tipped me back. ‘Right. Now. No more guilt. No more thinking you’re like your dad. You’re you, Katie. Underneath that efficient, organised, put together exterior is a fallible human being, just like the rest of us. You had no reason to doubt that what Calum said was true. And now you know, you can’t go feeling guilty about it all.’

‘But his wife…’

‘Yes I know. It’s shitty. But you have to remember it’s not your fault. You didn’t know. You had absolutely no way of knowing and if you’d known he was married when he first came onto you, you’d have told him to get on his bike! He’s the one responsible for all the hurt here Katie. Not you. And don’t you ever think anything different.’

‘I just feel so horrible.’ I flopped back onto the sofa and Janey followed. And then a thought hit me.

‘Janey, would you do me a favour?’

‘Of course.’

‘Please don’t mention any of this to Michael, will you?’

She pulled a face. ‘He won’t – ’

‘Please! Just promise me. Until I get my head around it myself. I know you’re right about it all. But let’s face it, he’s not going to be the most sympathetic – and please don’t think I blame him. His wife cheated on him and completely broke his heart. If he finds out that I’ve been seeing a married man, I just…we’ve really been doing so well on the house and…everything. I don’t want to spoil it now. Not now we’re so close. Just let me finish the house with him so that it’s all ready for your Christmas together and then I’ll be gone and it won’t matter what he thinks of me then.’

‘I think you’re giving him less credit than he deserves, Katie.’

‘Please don’t be angry with me. I know he’s a good man. But I know he’s been hurt and I don’t want to do anything to…remind him of that hurt when he seems to really be moving on. You said just the other day that he finally seems to be getting back to his old self. And tonight, before I left, he was playing the piano.’

‘He was?’ Her surprise was evident.

‘He was. And, oh Janey, it was so beautiful! He hardly ever bites my head off these days either…’ I gave her a half-smile and she laughed. ‘I just don’t want to derail things by throwing something up that might remind him of more painful times.’

‘And?’

‘And what?’

‘There’s an “and”, I know there is.’ Her voice was soft.

I closed my eyes for a moment. ‘And I don’t want him thinking badly of me. At least not whilst I’m still there.’

When I looked up, Janey was smiling. ‘Like I said, you should give him more credit. But!’ She held up a finger, as I made to protest. ‘I won’t say anything, if that’s what you want.’

‘Thank you.’ I hugged her. ‘I know I’m putting you in a difficult position but it’s not for much longer. And then I’ll be out of his way and he can think what he likes about me.’ I gave a shrug and wondered why that thought didn’t give me as much comfort as it should have done.

***

I stopped at the boundary of the house and stared. The day had begun grey and had merely got darker and more gloomy as it went on, which only enhanced the effect of the transformation in front of me. White fairy lights were entwined in the bare branches of the plane tree in front of his house and more hung from the porch; each column decorated the same, the little twinkles wrapped in perfectly even spirals from top to bottom. On either side of the front door there now stood a lollipop-shaped box tree in a pale olive-coloured ceramic pot. These too had their trunks wrapped in white lights, daintier versions of those around the building. Despite everything that had happened last night, the sight in front of me tempted out a smile. I climbed the steps and rang the bell.

It was definitely a day for surprises. Getting rid of all Michael’s baggy, long-past-their-best clothes had meant that the difference when he opened the door to me today was evident. He was still dressed casually, as seemed to be his preference, but he no longer looked as if he was spending every night camped out somewhere with Bear Grylls, which – and no offence to Bear – was a definite improvement.

‘Hello.’

‘Hi. Come in.’

‘You’ve been busy.’ I pointed to the tiny front garden as I stepped inside. In addition to the new plants and lighting, the front border had also received attention. Gone were the soggy, blackened summer plants that had greeted me on my first visit. The little bed had been dug over and covered with a layer of pale chippings and three illuminated reindeer now stood content behind the low wrought-iron edging of the border. The whole effect was stunning and made the house look, like Michael himself, a little more cared for.

‘I can’t take all the credit,’ he said, taking my coat from me.

‘Oh?’

He nodded at Pilot who was gently bouncing on all four paws in excitement as I bent to give him a cuddle.

‘He definitely helped with some of the digging.’

I smiled and gave the dog an ear rub, which made him groan in happiness.

‘It looks absolutely beautiful Michael. You’ve clearly worked hard.’

‘Thanks. I’m glad you like it. Kept me out of trouble this morning anyway. Tea?’

‘Erm, no. I’m OK, thanks. Although just a glass of water might be good, if that’s possible.’

Michael gave a little frown. ‘Of course.’ He paused. ‘You all right?’

‘Absolutely,’ I lied. Try as I might to push the events of last night out of my head, I was, in truth, actually feeling a very long way from all right.

‘OK.’ Michael’s tone suggested he wasn’t convinced, but poured me water from a filter jug anyway. ‘So, I pulled out all the photos, memorabilia and what you classed “sentimental stuff” like you asked.’ He handed me the glass of water. ‘I’ve made a bit of a start but I can see why you don’t start with this. Even after getting into the swing of sorting and getting rid of a lot already, I still have to admit to feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.’

‘That’s perfectly normal. Most people do. But they all get there and you will too.’

‘I feel like I could spend from now until Christmas just going through photos! You sure we can do this? It’s not like there’s that long to go now.’

‘Absolutely.’ I nodded. ‘Don’t worry. You’re going to be ready and it’s going to be a great family Christmas for you. I know Janey is very excited about it all.’

The smile on my face felt like someone else had stuck it there and hadn’t quite put it in the right position. Emphasising the final outcome of the process here with Michael seemed a good plan two minutes ago when it was clear he was feeling a little unsure about the timescale, and needing reassurance. Unfortunately, what it had actually done was ram home to me the differences between our upcoming Christmas celebrations: His surrounded by loving family, and mine alone. Again.

His eyes studied me and I really wished that he wouldn’t.

Turning away from his gaze, I passed in front of him and headed towards the stairs. ‘Everything in the first spare room still?’

‘Yep.’

I could feel him close behind me.

‘Kate?’

‘Yes?’ I asked, not looking round and concentrating instead on finding a good place to sit amongst the many piles Michael had created. It was easy to see why he was feeling overwhelmed. Pilot, meanwhile, was clearly wondering the same thing. Giving up on the floor, he wandered over to the bed and hopped up on it.

‘Pilot. Off.’ Michael’s voice was firm. The dog slunk down and came over to me, shoving his butt against my hip and sliding down onto the floor, whereupon he let out a big sigh.

‘Looks like I’m out of favour.’ I could hear the smile in Michael’s voice.

‘He’ll get over it in about two minutes, I’m sure,’ I said, keeping my head lowered. ‘So, obviously I can’t decide what you want to keep out of all this, so we’d better get on.’

I felt Michael’s eyes on me. There was a pause before he answered. ‘Sure.’

It was obvious to both of us that something was different today, no matter how I tried to hide or deny it. Being here just felt wrong today, even though I knew I wanted to be here; it was a good distraction. And so long as I didn’t mention I’d helped destroy someone else’s marriage vows, we’d be just fine.

Michael had clearly sensed that something was off and I could see it was killing him not to ask me. Like Janey, and as he’d proved the other night after we’d been to see the dog, Michael O’Farrell was not one to let things fester. But I needed him to hold on to the restraint he was evidently exerting for just a little bit longer.

Despite our bumpy start and our ups and down throughout the past week, every instinct I had was telling me just to be honest with him. Honesty was his big thing. It was one of the many things I’d come to like about him. Things were what they were with him and they would be dealt with as needs be. Even with Pilot. When I thought back, not once did he ever actually say that he wasn’t going to take the dog. I’d just assumed so from his actions. But he hadn’t wanted to get my hopes up if he couldn’t arrange dog-sitting, or if Pilot wasn’t as good with kids as we’d originally thought. He’d never lied. Unlike Calum. But I couldn’t tell him any of that.

‘Katie what’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ I did the smile thing again and it felt even more unnatural than last time.

‘So why don’t I believe you?’

‘I don’t know.’ I pushed myself off the floor, causing Pilot to look around dozily and then flop out and fill the space I’d been occupying. ‘Are these all for dumping?’ I asked, pointing to a box he’d been steadily filling for the past couple of hours.

Michael nodded, watching me. As I bent to lift the box, he got up. ‘I can do that in a minute. It’s heavy.’

I gave a laugh that sounded a hollow imitation of my normal one. ‘Michael I’m quite capable of lifting a box.’ I lifted it to demonstrate and staggered a step as it proved itself heavier than it had initially looked.

‘Give it to me.’

‘No.’ I twisted away from him. ‘I’m going to go and put these in the recycling. You get on with the rest.’

He moved to take the box again. ‘You’ll do yourself an injury. Give it here.’

‘I’m more than capable of looking after myself, thank you. I don’t need you – ’ I stopped as I caught sight of his face. ‘I’m sorry.’ I swallowed. ‘I didn’t mean to snap at you. And I know you mean well, but the whole damsel in distress thing isn’t really my scene.’

When he replied his jaw was tight and his voice measured. ‘I wasn’t implying you were incapable Katie. I just didn’t want you putting your back out, especially with Christmas coming.’

The fact that Christmas could now come and go in my world without me even noticing, let alone caring, gave his comment an ironic slant that he hadn’t intended.

‘I know, thanks.’ And with that, I stepped past him and heaved the box to the top of the stairs. I put it down for a moment and my back practically groaned in relief. Pressing my hand to my head, I willed the headache that had been slowly building in my temple to go away. I closed my eyes for a moment as I did so.

When I opened them again, Michael was standing in front of me. He bent and swiped the box, the muscles in his back and arms tensing as he did so. I opened my mouth to protest.

‘I can’t afford a claim on the insurance on this place if you fall and break your neck.’ He descended the stairs, opened the catch on the front door with his elbow and took the refuse outside. From the top of the stairs, Pilot and I just watched.

Twenty minutes later, Michael glanced over at me. I’d tried to clear the air a little after the box dumping fiasco. Any other day I’d have seen he was just trying to be kind but today, with all my emotions having shot up significantly closer to the surface, I’d fallen back into a pattern I’d thought I’d managed to leave behind – that the only person I could really rely on was myself. I’d worked so hard to get through those issues. It had taken years, and Janey’s friendship had helped enormously. But last night, Calum had smashed all the hard work to pieces. And now, today, Michael was getting the brunt of it.

‘I’m sorry about the box thing. It was silly. I just don’t like people thinking I can’t take care of myself or that I expect a man to do things for me.’

‘Don’t worry. You definitely don’t give off that impression.’ His voice was flat.

Another few minutes went past before he spoke again. ‘So. How was dinner?’

I kept my head down, intent on my task.

‘Fine, thanks. The food was very nice,’ I said, disregarding the fact that I’d thrown the whole lot up again about three minutes after Janey had opened the door to me. Putting that on TripAdvisor would be pretty cruel, bearing in mind I knew the sole reason for my nausea was the person I’d been having dinner with and not a dodgy scallop.

Silence descended again. Pilot lifted his head and looked at me, then at his master. He tilted his head and I leant down and kissed the top of it. The tension was palpable whether you had two legs or four.

‘Did you have any luck in getting this guy to spend more time with you, like you said you wanted to?’

I sat up, exhausted from trying to keep myself together, from not blurting everything out when, deep down, I knew that was really all I wanted to do, whatever the consequences. But I knew I couldn’t. Not with Michael.

‘Michael. We’re doing really well here but there is still a certain amount to do and I’d like to get it all done before Christmas, as I told you and Janey I would. Bearing in mind that’s only two weeks away, whilst I appreciate you’re trying to make conversation, I think it’s probably better if we just focused on the task in hand today.’ My voice had a tone of cool efficiency to it as I glanced up at him.

Michael’s eyes blazed before his face took on the hardness I’d seen the first time I’d met him. The aloofness that surrounded him then suddenly wrapped itself around him again. As I watched, I saw him almost physically withdraw from me.

‘Whatever you say.’

The next hour was unbearable. Even Pilot had taken himself off and now lay out in the hallway, his back against the banisters. Neither Michael nor I had spoken a word and I knew it was my fault. I also knew that the item I now had in front of me could push things either way.

‘Michael where do you want this?’

He looked over at what I was holding, rather than at me.

‘Toss it,’ he said, turning back to the pile he was working on.

‘I…just wondered if you might want to…’ I stopped as he lifted his head and looked directly at me, the cold hard gaze so different from less than twenty-four hours ago when he and Pilot had walked me to the station. His eyes then had been so full of warmth. Now they were as cold as the ice shining on the frozen puddles outside.

He gave an impatient shake of his head. ‘You wondered what?’

I took a deep breath. ‘Well, it’s just that sometimes people discard things like this, in the heat of the moment, and then, later, when they have a clearer perspective, they’ve regretted doing so. I just don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.’

‘It’s a bit late for that,’ he mumbled, almost to himself. He turned to face me. ‘Believe me Kate, I’m not going to regret getting rid of that. I have absolutely no inclination to keep a reminder of the woman who vowed to love and be faithful to me, but instead decided to cheat on me with a man who had made the same promises to his own wife. Wedding vows clearly meant little to either of them so that album now means nothing to me.’

I bit my lip, all the fears of what he’d think of me, if he knew, were confirmed. The look on his face, the tone of his voice, the glittering hardness of his eyes: It was all there. He reached down and took the album.

‘Don’t you think that you ought to check and see if your wife – ex-wife – might want it before you consign it to the bin?’

I stood up, the tenseness in my back causing me to wince with cramp as I did so. Michael looked down at me. A muscle worked in his jaw as a half-smile slid onto his face. But, like the rest of his expression, it was cold.

‘Let me get this right? This is the woman who made a complete fool out of me, out of our marriage, who let me almost entirely wreck my relationship with my family, causing me to miss out on things like births and first Christmases and all stuff that I can never, ever get back, and you think I should suddenly be all touchy-feely about hurting her feelings? Newsflash Kate: I don’t give a flying shit about her feelings any more. If she’d have wanted it, she would have taken it when she left. She didn’t want me or it, which is why she left in the first place.’

He tossed the album on the pile for discarding and ran his hands through his hair. Pilot had wandered back into the room at the sound of his master’s raised voice and was now watching warily from just inside the doorway.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, applying my professional placating voice to the situation. ‘I never meant to bring up painful memories for you. I just need you to be sure that what you’re doing is right, and that you’re doing it for the right reasons.’

Michael shot me an incredulous look. ‘Yeah Kate. I know exactly what I’m doing. And, with respect, I think I probably know a hell of a lot more about these things than you do.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ So much for placation, but I couldn’t help it.

‘Nothing. Forget it.’

‘No.’ I stood facing him now, my back straight, chin tilted up, ‘Clearly you have something to say and, as it’s not like you to hold back, why don’t you just say it?’

‘Fine. I just think that maybe you should limit your advice to what you know about rather than things you have no experience of.’

‘Meaning?’

He crossed his arms over his chest, the fitted T-shirt he wore moulding to the muscles that lay beneath it.

‘Meaning that clearly you’re very good at your job and at getting people’s houses in order, but there are some things you need to let people figure out on their own.’

‘I never tell people what they should and shouldn’t keep! That’s unfair.’

‘You’re telling me to keep a bloody wedding album that I don’t want!’

‘That’s not what I was saying at all!’

‘Look Kate. Don’t get me wrong, but just because you have this image in your head of perfect wedding days and marriage being all sunshine and roses, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s bloody hard and heartbreaking and people get hurt! So, whilst I wish you all the best with this Calum bloke and hope that he does one day give you all the happiness you could wish for in that direction, I didn’t get that and I don’t need any reminders sitting around in this house of something that I’m finally moving on from.’

My mind was whirling and for a moment I couldn’t find any words. And then I found some. In fact, I found a whole load of them.