Читать книгу The Book of Israela - Rena Blumenthal - Страница 5

It looked, at first, like another case of Jerusalem syndrome. We’d been overrun with them since the turn of the millennium, and the epidemic had only intensified in the eighteen months since the start of the second intifada. He was a skinny fellow in white rags, with a shaved head, a scraggly beard, and a fiery insanity in his eyes. That’s pretty much how they all looked. Tourists from every corner of the globe would show up in the Holy City, throw on a bedsheet, and start preaching the coming apocalypse, suddenly convinced that they were the Son of God or an ancient Israelite prophet—a brief, transitory psychosis that would resolve itself by the time they were safely home. But no, on second glance this was a case of more mundane psychosis—the oratory was in fluent, even poetic, Hebrew. A local boy. Hard to believe that someone who grew up in this obviously God-forsaken country could believe, even in a state of psychotic delusion, that the spirit of God still walked its streets.

The tension in the waiting room was palpable. Sami, our burliest security guard, was seated next to the scrawny prophet, effortlessly holding his bony arms behind his back. The young man wriggled his body as if trying to break free, but making no real effort. A pretty young woman with thick brown hair, vaguely familiar from staff meetings, was seated to his other side, whispering earnestly into his ear, though he seemed oblivious to her presence. By the exit door, two older men were engaged in a loud, emphatic disputation as to what right the hospital did or didn’t have to hold people against their will. A middle-aged woman was shrieking, “Let him go! You’re hurting him!” The receptionist had come out from behind her desk to shush the woman and try to calm the roomful of increasingly agitated patients.

My instinct was to march quickly through the waiting room and out the door to the stairwell, as if on urgent business, which, in a way, I was. I wanted to be home before Nava, peace-offering in hand, and had meant to slip out of the office early to stop at the jewelry shop where she had recently admired an expensive silver necklace. But something about the girl’s desperate efforts made me pause. There had been a lot of grumbling about me in the office lately; it wouldn’t hurt to play the gallant knight to her damsel in distress.

I walked up to the receptionist, who pretended, as always, not to notice me. It was the fireplug with the muscular arms. What the hell was her name?

“Uh . . .”

“Yael.”

“Right, Yael. Whose patient is he?”

“He was brought in by the police. They found him wending his way through traffic on a busy street in Katamon, in those rags, in this horrible wind. He was calm when they brought him in, so they just left him here. The clinician on call was our new intern, Dina. She took him in for an emergency intake, but the questions must have gotten him agitated. He barged out of her office and started scaring all the patients with his fire-and-brimstone preaching. Thank God Sami was around—he’s the only one who can keep these types in check.”

“Has he seen a psychiatrist?”

“Dr. Barak’s on call, but the patient refuses to see him. I’ve notified the emergency room, and they’re sending up the heavies. There’ll probably be a forced hospitalization.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure the intern’s going to hold up.”

It was, indeed, a perfect chance to prove how useful I could be. A new boss had just come in a couple of months before—a puckered, no-nonsense Anglo who regarded me with a hefty dose of suspicion. It wouldn’t hurt to have her hear a few good things about me.

I walked up to the girl. From up close, you could smell the unwashed odor of her disheveled patient. She was much too young to be in this position, looked barely old enough to be out of the army.

“Do you need some help?” I asked.

She looked up at me mutely, on the verge of tears.

“Dina, right? Why don’t you come into my office? I don’t think that talking to him right now will do much good.” I turned to the receptionist, whose name had already slipped my mind. “Uh . . . can you call us when Security arrives?”

The girl sat on my office couch and cried as I fed her tissues, scrunching up her nose with every sniffle. What compelled a young innocent like her to go into this crazy field? She probably wanted to save the suffering souls of the world. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to have some reality drummed in early in her career.

“What happened to upset you so much?”

“I’m sorry, Dr. Benami. I’m so embarrassed by my unprofessional behavior.” She was visibly struggling to compose herself. “It’s just that at first he seemed OK. He was upset, understandably, about the political situation of the country—the suicide bombings, the increasing poverty in his neighborhood. It all seemed perfectly reasonable, but as he talked, he became crazier and crazier. He told me that God speaks to him all the time, that God’s angry at us, punishing us. Then he started describing these wild visions, and before I knew it he was rambling incoherently.” She stifled a sob. “He was still calm; I thought I could handle it. But then, when I told him he needed to meet with a psychiatrist, he completely lost it, became mean and abusive, called me ‘bitch,’ described all these terrible things that would happen to me. I got really scared, told him he had no right to speak to me that way. That’s when he called me a ‘no-good whore’ and stormed out of the office and into the waiting room.” She burst into another round of tears. “It’s my first emergency intake. I didn’t handle it very well, did I?”

“It was a difficult case. You handled it fine,” I said reassuringly.

“I feel so stupid, so naive,” she sobbed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

I assumed a comforting, fatherly tone. “Psychotic patients can be frightening. One of the most important things you have to learn in this field is that you’re going to encounter people who are totally irrational, people you can’t possibly get through to. You have to grow tougher skin—it’s never personal.”

“But there was something about him, when we first started talking.” She scrunched her nose, fighting back the tears. “I liked him, a lot. He’s genuinely distressed about the state of the country. He was so passionate and eloquent. Even his visions, they were really weird, but kind of stunning too. He described them so vividly, it was mesmerizing.” Her eyes again pooled with tears. “But then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he became angry and abusive.”

“That’s not uncommon with psychotic patients,” I said soothingly. “You say he’s having visual hallucinations?”

“Yes, very elaborate and detailed. He sees visions of God, surrounded by ministering angels.”

“Lots of schizophrenics hear voices, but seeing visions is a very serious symptom.” I discreetly glanced at my watch. “The psychiatrists in the emergency room will want to hear all the details of your intake, especially how he was responding before he became aggressive. It will be a good learning experience. Do you think you’re up to it?”

“Yes, I guess so,” she said doubtfully.

“Good. Security should be here shortly. You can accompany them to the emergency room.” I smiled supportively, hoping to be done quickly with this latest clinic drama.

“I’m wondering . . . ,” she faltered, “you know, I’ve never done this before . . . I know you’re terribly busy, but . . . could you possibly come along?” She looked up at me, her eyes huge.

Damn, I thought. Hospitalizations could take hours. But what choice did I have? Hopefully, she’d tell her supervisor how helpful I’d been, and the good word would make its way up the chain to the new boss. The latest marital peace-offering, pressing as it was, would have to wait.

“Yes, of course, I’d be happy to,” I said, nodding. “That’s my job, you know, to support the clinical staff.”

“You’re much nicer than people say.” Her cheeks flushed red as soon as the words were out. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that!”

“No, no, that’s OK.” I gave what I hoped was a light-hearted chuckle. “I know what people say about me. Administrators are often misunderstood. You see? You can’t take things personally.”

The phone rang, the receptionist informing us that Security had arrived. I quickly called home and left Nava a detailed message about why I would be home late—hopefully she’d believe me this time. I joined Dina, the Security officers, and our bedraggled soothsayer into the elevator and down to the emergency room.

As we emerged onto the ground floor of the hospital, we could hear in the distance the shriek of multiple, clashing sirens, the now-familiar soundtrack of a terrorist attack. Loud bells started ringing, alerting the staff to the impending onslaught. The intake clerk brusquely informed us that there had been a suicide bombing on King George Street—we must have been in the elevator at precisely that moment to not have heard the blast—and the ambulances were on their way. The emergency room was mobilizing, with doctors and nurses and technicians rushing to prepare extra beds and supplies. We were shunted into a small room reserved for psychiatric patients just as the first ambulances arrived, obliquely within sight and sound of the moans of the wounded, the covered stretchers, the discarded bloody bandages. The stench of body fluids quickly permeated the air. They ought to have a whole separate wing for psychiatric cases, I thought; the aftermath of such carnage was hardly a soothing sight to people who were already distraught. A muted television on the wall was broadcasting images of the latest bombing site, not far, I noticed, from the jewelry shop on Ben Yehuda. If I had left the office a half hour earlier, would I now be on one of those stretchers? I let my mind spin into an elaborate fantasy of Nava hearing the news, racing to the hospital, frantic with worry, avowing her enduring love, all my frivolous indiscretions swept aside in a cleansing tear-bath of regret and forgiveness.

No one else in the room was paying the television any mind. It was the second attack in the capital that week—perhaps we were all becoming immune. Aside from the three of us, there was a stupefied teenager surrounded by his large, wailing family and a woman who sat alone, holding her head in her hands, whimpering softly. Our relentless prophet preached, in an agitated mumble, into the din. I noticed the edge of a tattoo creeping out from his right shoulder blade and up toward the bottom of his neck. It made me wonder if he was involved with street gangs; these psychiatrically vulnerable kids often were. As I pretended to flip through magazines, allowing the I-almost-died fantasy to play out in its various permutations, Dina leaned in close to decipher the seer’s words, asking him questions and trying to engage him in conversation. Her naiveté was astonishing. Even in my earliest days in the field, I had never been such an innocent.

It took hours for the crisis in the emergency room to subside. By the time our patient was processed and locked away, it was almost 9:00. I was more than ready to get home, but Dina was visibly distraught. I asked her if she needed a drink to help her unwind, and she asked if I might accompany her for a coffee, to help her process the long, emotional day—could we go to Café HaEmek? It was around the corner from her flat. I had intended something a little stronger—only in this hyperactive country would anyone think that coffee could calm the nerves—and ever since the bombing at the Moment Café a few weeks before, I’d been uneasy lingering in coffee shops. But at least Café HaEmek, on the trendy Emek Refaim strip, was convenient, only a few blocks from my home as well.

We walked down the hill in silence, braced against the cool, whistling wind. It was pleasurable, walking by the side of this pretty young woman, though I had a gnawing anxiety that one of Nava’s numerous friends, or even Nava herself, might see us and misunderstand. But what could I do? The girl was overwrought—it was well within my responsibilities to ensure that such a young and inexperienced intern was able to professionally process the events of this long, disturbing evening.

Not surprisingly, the café was almost empty, the mood in the room subdued. Just entering a café felt like an act of defiance, an insistence that no bomb would interfere with our coffee-loving ways. Dina opened her bag for a security check, and we wound our way to a tiny table in the back corner alongside the floor-to-ceiling window that faced the alley. Outside, a few spindly trees were bravely battling the blustery wind. We took off our jackets and ordered two American coffees, though I knew the caffeine would keep me up half the night. Dina was obviously shaken, her hands running repeatedly through her thick hair as she spoke.

“Dr. Benami, you’ve been doing this work such a long time. Do you ever lose your cool? Do you ever let your patients get to you emotionally?”

“Well, no, I don’t. And neither will you, Dina. With time, you’ll develop good professional distance.” A nice way of saying that after a while you just stopped caring.

“But I don’t want to develop ‘professional distance,’” she said, a worried look on her face. “I want the people I work with to know that I see them as real people, not just patients, not just a collection of symptoms. Is that really such a terrible thing?”

I smiled at her indulgently. “It’s never a good idea. You can’t help people if you’re emotionally involved. You’ll have to lose some of your idealism. Tonight was a good example; that fellow couldn’t hear a word you said. You would have been better off watching the television, reading a book, letting him rant on. It might have actually helped him; he would have realized he had no audience and quieted down. More importantly, if you’d done that, you wouldn’t be so wound up now.”

“But he wasn’t completely out of touch,” she insisted. “He knew there had just been a bombing. He thinks the intifada is a punishment for our ‘godless arrogance.’ Maybe he isn’t as crazy as he seems.”

“He was totally irrational. We’re at war over a piece of land. It has nothing to do with arrogance, godless or otherwise.”

She leaned in toward me, and I caught the trace of a delicate perfume. “But so many of the things he was saying were interesting. Even lyrical. And thought-provoking. There was something about him . . .”

Two coffees were unceremoniously plunked down on the table by our surly young waitress. I wondered if it was run-of-the-mill Israeli rudeness or a sign of disdain for people quietly enjoying a coffee mere hours after a bombing. Dina added cream and sugar to her coffee with excessive concentration, struggling to stay calm. She finally took a sip and looked up at me with sad, frightened eyes.

“Don’t worry,” I assured her. “With time you’ll grow thicker skin, I promise. The first hospitalization is always a little traumatic—I still remember mine from more than fifteen years ago. And to have it happen at the exact same time as a bombing downtown . . .” I shook my head sympathetically. “It’s no wonder you’re as upset as you are.”

“I really liked him,” she said. “Do you think it will help him to be shut up in a hospital ward, where no one will listen to him? I feel like I failed him.”

“Dina, the guy was a full-blown paranoid schizophrenic. Any sense you made of his rambling was out of your own unconscious need to heal him. There are drugs that can help people like that.” I made my voice as soothing as I could. “If you’re going to be successful in this field, you’ll have to work on your own countertransference issues. I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing that there was someone in your own family you were helpless to heal.”

“You’re right,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I don’t know. It’s embarrassing.”

I picked up my coffee and took a sip, watching her with a deliberately patient, sympathetic gaze. If there was one thing I had mastered over the course of the years, it was the power of strategic silence.

She looked down at her drink, gathering her resolve, then back up at me. “When I was very young, my father left my mother for a younger woman. You can’t imagine how humiliating that was. My mother had to raise us alone, and she was stressed all the time, her eyes always red and brimming with tears. I wasn’t the oldest, but I was the only girl in the family, and I thought it was up to me to take care of the household, to make life easier for her. One day, when I was eight years old, she started crying and crying and couldn’t stop. I got really scared, and finally I called my father to ask him what to do. When he came over, he said she was having a ‘nervous breakdown,’ and arranged for her to be hospitalized. The whole experience was devastating.” She paused, collecting herself. “She was never the same after that. I still haven’t forgiven myself for calling him. If I had been able to handle things better, maybe she would have recovered on her own.”

She was so young, so vulnerable. How did people like her get through life? I wanted to tell her to leave this profession, leave this war-torn country, become an accountant in a place like Sweden. She kept snuffling her tears like she’d done in my office, wrinkling up her nose in that adorable way. I reached over and took her hands in mine as she raised her watery brown eyes, large drops of liquid hanging precariously on her lashes.

“You’re not the only one who went into this field to heal someone they love,” I said, in as gentle a tone as I could muster. “You need to understand that very well, or it will interfere with your work. You have to separate your mother’s pain—”

There was a flash of movement and I heard something clatter noisily on the table. Startled, I pulled my hands away from Dina’s, staring stupidly from Nava’s face to the wedding ring that had been dropped, with exquisite precision, into my empty coffee cup. She was wearing a crisply tailored maroon jacket and the brightly colored silk scarf I had bought for her birthday, tied just so. Elegant, as always.

“Don’t even think about coming home tonight.”

“Nava, you don’t understand. This is Dina; she’s a new intern at the clinic. I left you a message. We just hospitalized a patient. It took a long time because of the suicide attack, and—”

“I’ve understood for years, Kobi.” Her voice was full of anger and pain, but her posture was poised and erect, like the dancer she was. “Right in our own neighborhood. Bombs going off in the middle of the city and you’re pursuing your latest conquest. She’s young enough to be your daughter. And just a month before the bat mitzvah; Yudit will be devastated.” She raised her head to look out the window, as if speaking to the windswept saplings. “Don’t you dare come back to the house. I’ll call the police if you do. You can send someone to pick up your stuff; I’ll pack it myself. The locks will be changed tomorrow.” I started to speak but she cut me off. “It’s over, Kobi . . . for good.” She turned on her heels and with sublime self-righteousness made her way to the door, gracefully skirting the clutter of empty tables and chairs.

I frantically fished in my pocket for money and dropped a twenty shekel note on the table while scooping Nava’s coffee-sticky ring out of the cup. “It’ll be fine, Dina,” I blurted out, grabbing my jacket. The girl looked shell-shocked, but I’d have to deal with that later. Clumsily, I negotiated my way around the obstacle path of tables to the front door.

“You only got what you deserved,” cried a loud-mouthed crone, and the handful of café patrons laughed and applauded. Couldn’t anyone in this country ever mind their own goddamned business? Nava must have been taking a short cut through the alley and spotted me through the window. What kind of bum luck was that? I should have been more careful after everything that had happened these past couple of weeks. By the time I made it out the door and into the cold, harsh wind, she was long out of sight. As I stood stunned on the sidewalk, wondering what to do next, I felt Dina slip out the door behind me, watched her race down the street toward the intersection of Rachel Imeinu, clutching her bag to her chest as if being chased by a thief.

I spent the night, and then the weekend, at Yossi’s flat, sleepless on his foldout couch, trying to evade the whirlwind his four-year-old twin boys habitually left in their wake, and listening to his American wife, Elizabeth, extol Nava’s virtues and berate me for my selfish stupidity. I called home numerous times, leaving increasingly desperate messages of apology and explanation on the answering machine, which had already been changed to erase my presence from the household. I could imagine Nava glaring at the ringing phone, explaining to Yudit in graphic detail why her no-good abba wasn’t going to live with them anymore, Yudit’s serious little face scrunched in worried thought as she took it all in.

Yossi walked over to the house Saturday afternoon to pick up my car and watched Nava hurl three garbage bags full of clothes and sundry possessions into the back seat, conveying to him with each angry toss that I should stop leaving useless messages; that Yudit was just as furious and was refusing to speak to me; that I shouldn’t even consider attending the bat mitzvah. As the car pulled away she yelled out, for good measure, that she would be contacting a lawyer first thing Sunday morning to initiate proceedings for a divorce. As he dragged the garbage bags into the flat, Yossi shook his head to convey the hopelessness of it all. “That’s one angry lady, my friend. You better stop calling—give her some space.”

It was almost a relief when the weekend finally ended and I could return, groggy and disoriented as I was, to the stultifying routines of my job.