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Chapter One

The Pitfalls of Popular Opinion

Rebelling Against Conventional Wisdom

“Beware of false knowledge. It is more dangerousthan ignorance.”

—George Bernard Shaw

Ursula Trap

My (Carrie) first exposure to the film The Little Mermaid came shortly after I turned five. It was perhaps the most traumatic event I’d experienced up until that point (well, aside from the time my brother Daniel crashed my princess birthday party dressed as Pocahontas). The image of Ursula, with her slimy tentacles and garish makeup, seared itself into my mind and haunted my dreams. I was young and illiterate; my knowledge of villains was confined to the realm of coloring books and Nickelodeon cartoons. But I was positively, absolutely certain about one thing: Ursula was coming for me.

Living under the weight of my imminent demise was a burden upon my preschool shoulders, so after weeks of nightmares and sleepless nights, I decided to enlist the help of my older brothers.

“No problem!” Mike said. He patted me on the back. “We’ll help you lay a trap so she won’t be able to sneak into your room at night.”

Mike headed the operation as lead engineer, and he, Daniel, and I spent the evening constructing elaborate booby traps with Legos®. My room became a veritable Fort Knox.

That night, for the first time in weeks, I didn’t dread bedtime. My older and wiser siblings assured me of their extensive knowledge of underwater Disney villains. If anything could keep her out, it was our barricade. Secure in their promises, I snuggled against my pillow and my eyelids began to droop.

“Now remember,” Mike said, perched at the foot of my bed, “these will definitely keep her out. If they’re still in place when you wake up, you’ll know she didn’t come.”

“We’re just down the hall if you need us,” Daniel added as he tucked the sheets under my chin. They wished me goodnight and left the room. I was asleep before the door closed behind them.

The next morning, the sunlight streamed in through my slatted blinds. I remembered the Ursula traps and opened my eyes. My stomach reeled as I glanced at the floor. All of the traps had been set off. The evidence led to a single inescapable conclusion.

Ursula had been there.

My nightmares returned. I became a five-year-old insomniac, staying awake until the wee hours, straining to discern the faint sound of tentacles slithering down the hallway toward my room.

Mike and Daniel still love to reminisce about “that time they set the Ursula traps off while Carrie was asleep.”

Conventional Wisdom

Conventional wisdom is any generally accepted set of beliefs and practices. Its conclusions aren’t necessarily followed because of their proven effectiveness, but simply because they are popular.

A common advertising gimmick uses the “ratio” ploy. The dreamy actor in a white lab coat declares, “Nine out of ten dentists recommend” this toothpaste, or that mouthwash. Or a fellow with a European accent says, “Four out of five gastrointestinal specialists regularly prescribe this laxative for regularity.” But Carrie’s experience taught her that you can’t always trust the majority, or put another way, the majority isn’t correct on every occasion in every circumstance.

This principle is no more evident than in the fashion industry. To cite a few examples:

• The misconception in the 80s that mullets were attractive. (Sorry, Billy Ray Cyrus.)

• The misconception in the 80s that shoulder pads the size of tea cozies were flattering.

• The misconception in the 80s that spandex neon bodysuits… well, you get the point.

• The current myth that jeans should dangle precariously midway down the wearer’s thigh.

The health industry is also riddled with fluctuating “facts.” Widely held conclusions based on scientific opinion are accepted by the masses, only to be amended later or even renounced. Coffee has gone from villain to hero more times than Severus Snape. Milk, once dubbed the perfect food, is now the “silent killer.” We dread the day scientists change their view about the health benefits of dark chocolate.

Mom: Just because something is presented in an appealing package, that doesn’t make it a good gift.

Clearly, just because practices or beliefs are popular today, doesn’t mean they won’t be tossed onto the scrap heap of outdated opinions tomorrow.

What You Don’t Know Can Kill You

On December 13, 1799, the most famous American of his era mounted his horse and made his daily rounds on his large estate. Three inches of wet snow fell, drenching George Washington. That evening, he developed a sore throat. His wife, Martha, urged him to take medication, but he believed in letting illnesses run their course.

By the next morning, Washington suffered from chills and strep throat. Martha summoned their physician, Dr. Craik, but before he arrived, Washington’s overseer, a man named Rawlins, entered the room and drew a knife. Despite Mrs. Washington’s protests, Rawlins cut open the ailing general’s arm so that blood began flowing. Washington ultimately died. Was it murder? Was it the first presidential cover-up? No. It was conventional wisdom.

Mom: One of the quickest ways to lose your child’s attention is to start a sentence with “When I was your age…”

The great general who had once quipped that there was “something charming” in the sound of musket balls being fired at him in battle was not a masochist. Medical practitioners of the time employed a procedure called bloodletting, which dated back to the scientific experiments of the ancient Greeks. Experts believed that some illnesses were caused by imbalances in the human body’s four primary fluids, so removing “excess” blood could help restore a healthy inner equilibrium. Hence the practice of dropping leeches onto a patient’s chest. As if being deathly ill were not disturbing enough.

By the late 1700s, medical advances had caused physicians to second-guess the value of bloodletting, but Washington still believed in it, so he instructed his assistant to initiate the process. When Dr. Craik arrived, he bled Washington for the second time. Eventually, two other medics came to help. The younger one, Dr. Elisha Dick, diagnosed Washington with a throat infection and recommended an immediate tracheotomy. His senior colleagues disagreed. Tracheotomies were too dangerous, they said. They proposed further bloodletting.

By the fourth round, the blood ran slowly. The brave general confessed, “Doctor, I die hard, but I am not afraid to go.” His last words were, “Tis well.” He was 67.

If Washington’s illness occurred today, modern medical knowledge may well have cured him. (By the same token, had he died, a modern Martha Washington would sue the socks off those doctors.) Even back then, one of the medics knew of a procedure that might have saved Washington’s life, but the aging warrior general chose to stick with an outdated, dubious remedy.

So What’s The Problem?

Parents have goals for their children. We want them to become happy, successful adults. Christian parents also hope their children will embrace faith in Christ and uphold Christian values.

But despite their best intentions, many parents realize their parenting method isn’t working as well as they hoped. Instead of enjoying a home filled with laughter, their house is consumed with stress and dissention. Rather than growing up to become devout Christian adults, their children lose interest in their faith and stop attending church.

People regularly tell me (Richard) about the anguish they feel as parents:

Mom: Many parents know their kids could be doing better, but they aren’t making the necessary adjustments in their parenting.

Jordan was a charming preschooler, yet by the third grade, he had lost his joy in learning and was becoming increasingly attention-seeking.

Jim and Susan are devout Christians who take their three children to church every week, yet the children constantly bicker and fight. Family outings and vacations have become unbearable.

As a child, Amy was a sweet Christian girl who went to church with her parents every week. But when she entered high school, Amy became distracted by boys and parties. Her parents were shocked at how readily she lost her faith and her virginity.

How can people who work so hard to be good parents end up experiencing such disappointments? There are many contributing factors, but we contend that one of the main reasons is this: Despite the fact that parents are achieving disheartening results, they are not seriously rethinking their practices or making the necessary adjustments so their children can thrive. Many parents are experiencing failure in their home, despite the fact that they love their children and are doing everything they know to do.

Lofty Goals, Humbling Reality

Most parents have high hopes for their children from the day they are born. Who knows what potential each bundle of humanity possesses? Could they be elected to government? Become doctors and heal the sick? Solve heinous crimes on the police force or teach the next generation in school? Moms and dads believe their child has the opportunity to accomplish more than they did (hence the obnoxious parents at Little League games).

I (Richard) was a typical, idealistic dad when Lisa and I carted our first child, Mike, off to kindergarten. So many decisions burdened my mind that day: When he graduated summa cum laude from high school, would we enroll him at Harvard or Yale? Should he attend a local university so we could more easily watch him quarterback his college football team to the national title?

Mom: “The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”

— Harry Truman

Then we went to our first parent/teacher interview. The teacher described watching Mike squirm in his desk chair as if his pants were infested by a colony of fire ants.

Oh, well. Massachusetts has harsh winters anyway…

At least Daniel, our second born, knew how to sit still. He progressed nicely until First Grade “show and tell.” That wasn’t in Daniel’s contract. So, our cherub became an escape artist, running away from school every time his teacher appeared less interesting than the Mario Kart Nintendo game waiting for him at home.

At least he is showing initiative, we rationalized…

Hope resurfaced when our daughter, Carrie, was born. She was our overachiever. I knew she wouldn’t let me down. I wrote a form letter we could send to the colleges we would have to regretfully decline, despite the impressive, full-ride scholarships they were offering.…

Carrie’s kindergarten teacher was a seasoned veteran. She made appointments the week before school started and visited the children in their homes to help alleviate any first-year jitters. To me, that seemed appropriate for other kids, but entirely unnecessary in Carrie’s case. But, to set a good example for Carrie’s classmates, we scheduled a home visit. Lisa arranged a child’s tea table in Carrie’s bedroom. A dish of dainties was tastefully laid out with child-appropriate beverages. Mrs. Wilson, a pleasant, motherly type, arrived on schedule and made her way to Carrie’s room for some private time. We assumed she would probe Carrie’s thoughts on the nation’s abysmal educational record or perhaps ask her opinion on current trends among preschoolers.

Moments later, Carrie emerged from the room and abruptly closed the door behind her, leaving Mrs. Wilson to sip her tea in solitude. Carrie slumped dramatically against the closed door. “I just had to get out of that room!” she announced, rolling her eyes. “I could hardly breathe!”

Well, perhaps our grandchildren…

Like most parents, Lisa and I eventually adjusted our expectations to correspond with reality.

It’s in the Bible

Today, if you mention the Bible in certain circles, you will be labeled an out-of-date traditionalist. Nevertheless, the Bible continues to be the most revolutionary book in print.

The apostle Paul was indoctrinated in the prevailing values and customs of his day. The most prestigious group in his nation was a political organization called the Sanhedrin. Paul aspired to enter into its esteemed ranks in record time. The most popular religious group was known as the Pharisees. Paul strove to outdo them in fervency. He zealously embraced his generation’s trending values and wholly bought into his culture’s measures of success.

Then he had a life-changing meeting with Christ. The encounter left him blind for three days (Acts 9:9). When the scales fell from his eyes, Paul saw his life accurately for the first time. He immediately cast aside his former customs and habits and began living the life God had always intended for him. Paul formerly embodied everything his society cherished, but Christ transformed him into a revolutionary.

Paul joined a movement so dynamic that 2,000 years later, we still experience its repercussions. Christianity turned popular views on marriage, child-rearing, and life in general upside down. One of the most profound pieces of advice Paul wrote was this:

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Rom. 12:2)

After years of getting it wrong, Paul realized that you can’t let mainstream society dictate your life; instead, you must embrace who God created you to be.

What’s a Parent to Do?

Many parents know their children are struggling or could be doing better, but fail to act in ways that help their child succeed. We contend that one of the primary reasons for this is because modern society inundates families with misguided solutions to their problems.

In our frenzied culture, we can tap in to a steady stream of bite-sized phrases on social media. We simply scroll down and snatch up what appeals to us. There are potluck-styled sites that circulate inspirational quotes and maxims so everyone can partake. It’s a motivational smorgasbord.

Mom: Sometimes we should doubt the benefits of giving others the benefit of the doubt.

However, just because an opinion is widely publicized doesn’t make it wise or even true. Faulty thinking presented in a touching video or written in calligraphy and illustrated with rainbows is still faulty. It’s up to us to discern between wisdom and fallacy. Here are a few examples of pithy quotes on social media right now:

Get lost finding yourself.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

Create your happy, whatever that means to you.

Trust your instinct.

Dream big.

The only failure is not trying.

Life is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.

It’s easier now than ever before to let others do our thinking for us. Society brims with advice and opinions for how you should parent your child. Unfortunately, modern society is becoming increasingly intolerant of people who don’t follow its politically correct approach. Ironically, in an age when advice is more available than ever before, families continue to struggle. The challenge for parents is to discern what, if anything, in conventional wisdom is best for their child. It could be that what seems to be working for other children simply isn’t the best option for everyone.

Mom: It’s ironic that even while we urge children to resist peer pressure at school, we parents unquestioningly buy into what “all the other parents are doing.”

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool

Partway through my seventh grade year, I (Carrie) had an epiphany: I didn’t want to go to school anymore. Most children reach that conclusion at some point in their educational odyssey, and many do so a lot sooner than I did. My brother Daniel had tried to fix the problem by running home at recess in first grade. But, what can I say? I’m a late bloomer. I didn’t want to quit school altogether—I wanted to try homeschooling.

When I mention that I was homeschooled, I often receive a sympathetic comment about my mother being unwilling to send me off to a “real” school. The implication is, “What child in her right mind would willingly agree to such a life of torture, isolation, and overall strangeness?” But the choice was entirely my own.

Mom: Just because a saying is written in calligraphy and posted on social media, that doesn’t mean it’s good advice.

The desire didn’t stem from the usual presumed reasons. At the time, I was attending a private Christian school with dedicated, godly teachers. I wasn’t being bullied, and I had a solid group of friends. I was a straight A student, and my teacher liked me. Aside from my frequent absences from gym class during the eight-week flag football unit because of my “hereditary weak ankles,” everything was going well. I just felt that I was missing something.

I didn’t know how my parents would react to such a radical change in my education, so I made a list of the pros and cons and presented it to them. I still have the list. It says:

Pros

• I can get more sleep.

• I won’t have to miss youth group on Wednesday evenings to do homework.

• I can join book club with Olivia and Mya.

• I will have more time to figure skate. (Plus: I won’t have to play flag football ever again in my life, ever.)

• I can work as fast or slowly as I need to.

• It sounds fun!

Cons

• I will miss my friend Hannah.

That afternoon, my parents and I sat down for a family business meeting in the living room. They’d never considered homeschooling me. After all, I was doing well and was the teacher’s pet. Why fix what wasn’t broken?

Mom, a free spirit, was intrigued by the prospect of being a homeschool mom (and not just so she could wear Amish-style clothing and grow herbs in window pots). Dad wasn’t as open to the idea. He grew up in a family that believed in public school education. He admitted that his experience in junior high was miserable, but he had survived, so it didn’t seem logical to him for his daughter to walk away from a great private school education. Nevertheless, by the end of our discussion, my parents agreed to give home education a try.

The next week I began my new life—and I loved it. I felt more rested. I rarely got sick. I had more time to participate in church activities. I joined a book club. I was able to practice my iceskating more frequently, and I even went on field trips with other homeschoolers to museums and live theater events. My dad took me with him on business trips to exotic places, including England, France, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, and Malaysia. It was amazing!

But with my delight came something not so fun: misunderstanding. And criticism. Even some of my relatives and friends expressed concerns about my future. Didn’t I want to go to college one day? Shouldn’t I have a circle of friends that wasn’t limited to my brothers and pet fish? Why did I never mention the horrific bullying I must have experienced at school to drive me to such a drastic “last resort”?

While many people supported my decision, I was stung by the insensitive comments of others. Eventually, I had to decide whether or not I was going to allow people’s opinions to guide my life, or if I had the courage to follow through with what my parents and I knew was the best choice for me, regardless of how compelled others (including total strangers) felt to enlighten me.

Mom: Why do we let total strangers tell us how to bring up our children? Why not listen to our kids?

I want to be clear: I’m not saying homeschooling is good and public schooling is bad. My oldest brother, Mike, never homeschooled a day in his life and he had a mostly positive experience. I also don’t pretend that my experience homeschooling was without problems. But at the age of 12, I knew I was wired to homeschool, and if I let others sway me from that decision, I would be limiting myself from living my best life possible.

I ended up homeschooling through high school. I’ve since graduated from college with my Bachelor of Arts (summa cum laude), and hold two Master’s degrees. Funny enough, now people rarely ask or care which educational method I used in high school.

We learned some unexpected lessons when we chose a different path than the one most people around us were taking. Interestingly, the great majority of critics we encountered had no firsthand knowledge of what they were advising us about. Though they had no experience with homeschooling, they had plenty of advice! Rather than asking us what we were learning, they’d offer, “I heard that…” Or, “I know someone who…” They were simply passing on myths or opinions they had picked up from secondary, often biased, sources. Too often, people heartily endorse (or dismiss) something without verifying their presuppositions. And that’s what we are challenging.

Conclusion

It’s important for parents to make decisions based on what is best for each individual child, not what the parents did when they were the same age, or what worked for other children.

Most parents already have a good idea what would work best for their children, but many don’t know how to make it happen. Some admit that they lack the confidence to deviate from the status quo in certain areas of family life. Parents often assume they don’t have the time or money to make their dreams or preferences a reality.

Mom: If you find yourself going in the wrong direction, it’s better to redirect mid-way than continue on a course that is not taking you to where you want to go.

Criticism and misunderstanding are inevitable when you veer from what others do or believe. Enormous effort and sacrifice may be required. But at the end of the day, knowing you did what was best for your child is the supreme reward.

Reflect and Respond

1. What is one fallacy you used to believe? Perhaps it related to health, science, or relationships. How did you eventually realize you were mistaken in your belief?

2. Do you see yourself as a conformist or a rebel? Consider the following as you answer this question: If everyone you know is behaving in a certain way, do you tend to follow the majority’s lead? How difficult is it for you to go against a societal norm and follow your personal convictions?

3. Consider your parenting philosophy. Are you confident you are following God’s will for your family, or do you think there might be a better way than you are currently experiencing? Jot down two or three current practices or habits that you have questions about. These might not be evil or wrong in themselves, but maybe you suspect there is a better way. Then, review your list and ask God to guide you to His perspective.

4. At what age do you think children should have a say in their education? Why?

Action Ideas

1. If your parents are still living, ask them for their “top three” pieces of advice for families. Don’t argue or challenge them. Just list them. Then compare how many of them you follow with your own family. What are the reasons for any discrepancies?

2. Do an Internet search on “good parenting practices” or “parental advice.” Write down 10 that seem to be popular. Then evaluate how many of them you are practicing in your family. Consider why you are or are not following this popular advice.

3. Make a study of key passages in the Bible that talk about parenting. You might look through Proverbs, Deuteronomy 6:6-9, and Ephesians 6:1-4, as well as others. List the Biblical instructions to parents that you find. Compare your list with modern views on parenting.

4. Go for coffee with a friend or friends. Ask them what their views on parenting are. Don’t argue or debate them! Just list them. Then reflect on how much your parenting is like or unlike that of your friends.

5. Peruse a bookstore’s section on family. Examine the various titles. Look at the summary on the back of the book covers. What do you surmise about popular teaching on parenting today? How does that line up with what you have been doing?