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Chapter Two

Land of the Free, Home of the Clones

Rebelling Against Conformity

“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no onealive who is you-er than you!”

—Dr. Seuss

Blue Hair and a Near-Death Experience

I (Richard) was the president of a theological seminary in Canada for 13 years. During my tenure, all three of my children became teenagers.

One year, our church made a directory that required every family to be photographed. That’s when I had a brilliant idea for a public relations masterstroke. Every Christmas, I received exquisite photographs of other school presidents with their attractive families. They had heartwarming captions like, “In this season of glad tidings, my family and I would like to wish you and yours…” It was high time our donors and alumni received a Christmas picture of my good-looking family!

On the day of our scheduled appointment, I arrived home from the office and bellowed, “All right, everybody, time to go! Our photo shoot is in less than thirty minutes!”

Always punctual, Lisa emerged from our bedroom. She looked beautiful.

I love to see a great plan come together!

Another minute, and my daughter, Carrie, burst out of the upstairs bathroom and sashayed down the stairs sporting the latest in fashion with her customary flair.

A vision of teenage loveliness.

Next, my 16-year-old son Daniel appeared. He wore a knitted cap and a baggy hoodie. His outfit was entirely appropriate, if he intended to hold up a convenience store. But before I could ask if disturbing band logos could be Photoshopped out, I caught sight of Mike standing in the entryway. There stood my oldest child with his hair spiked like a porcupine and the tips dyed fluorescent blue.

“Hi, Dad!” he hollered. “I’m your son, and I have blue hair!”

“Yes, and both those facts deeply disturb me at this moment,” I muttered.

Terms like respectability, reputation, and ridiculous whirled around my brain in a vortex. I opened my mouth to spew them, but had only proceeded as far as, “What, in the name of all that is good and decent…” when I felt a hand on my arm. It was Lisa. She whispered, “Temporary hair dye.” I got the point.

At the moment, my beloved boys looked as sophisticated as the Marx brothers. Daniel based his wardrobe entirely on comfort and “coolness.” I got that. But I didn’t understand why Mike would spend money—probably mine—on Grover-blue hair dye and sculpt his locks into gravity-defying 3D structures. Mike was simply experimenting with his identity. He wanted to stand out from the crowd. I would have preferred he make his statement by having the highest GPA in his class, or ending hunger in Zimbabwe. But I guess he thought a tube of hair dye involved less commitment.

I didn’t know it then, but Mike would go on to obtain a college education, a Master’s degree in seminary, and a Ph.D. in apologetics. To date, he has two published books and is planting a church in Victoria, Canada. And I was ready to chew him out for being different. What was I thinking?

The reality was that all three of my children were unique individuals. Carrie was, and still is, a fashion diva who looks great every time she leaves the house. Daniel was our laid-back child who valued comfort over style. Mike was our wannabe rock star who liked to stand out from the crowd. All three were being true to their identity and values. What upset me was that they were not dressing in conformity with mine. But really, why would I want my kids to look and act just like everyone else—or like me, for that matter? And what made me think I could parent each child in exactly the same manner?

So What’s the Problem?

God loves diversity. It’s the hallmark of creation. The popular analogy claims no two snowflakes are identical. With the exception of Greenland (and Carrie’s birth city of Winnipeg, Manitoba), snowflakes usually don’t stick around long enough for anyone to verify that claim. So we’ll talk about bugs instead.

If you were forming the world, how many insects would you include in your grand design? According to the Smithsonian Encyclopedia, more than 900 thousand different species of insects inhabit the planet today—and those are just the ones that have been documented. For example, the Triatominae group of insects (also known as “conenose” or “kissing” bugs) is a subfamily containing approximately 130 different species. They survive by sucking the blood from the lips of sleeping human beings. And here’s a disturbing fact: they are common in the southern United States.

Another fascinating bug is the Japanese giant hornet. Fully grown, it can be several inches long with a sting that is said to be among the most painful of any insect. Its venom, which dissolves human tissue, can be lethal.

Researchers discover new species every year, and scientists consider current lists far from exhaustive. God put an enormous amount of creativity into a part of creation many people would be happy to see become extinct!

Indeed, God’s ingenuity is apparent everywhere, especially in the human body, which is astounding in its complexity. For instance, over 2 million working parts operate in a single eyeball. In one second, your eye can focus on 50 different things, and in one hour, it can process up to 36,000 pieces of information. Fingerprints are commonly recognized as unique flags of our identity, but even our lips, tongues, and feet have one-of-a-kind markings. Science tells us that an adult human body is composed of about 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms. God orchestrates an enormously complex production when He creates each individual!

Parents know that each of their children is unlike any other. Nevertheless, society demands that we squeeze them all into one preset mold. Compounding the problem are parents who take a one-size-fits-all approach to rearing their children.

It’s in the Bible

The Bible reveals that God has created, called, and commissioned a wide array of one-of-a-kind human beings. Consider these examples:

• David was always an adventurous boy. He put Tom Sawyer to shame! Fighting lions and bears while tending his father’s sheep might have raised a few eyebrows, but not even his father imagined his son would one day become his nation’s most glorious king.

• Most children imagine epic scenarios where they save the day. Imagine Joseph’s father’s surprise when his son’s boyhood dreams of rescuing his family and countrymen became a reality.

• Parents want their daughters to grow up chaste and wholesome. Imagine Mary’s parents’ reaction when they discovered their teenage daughter was pregnant before her wedding.

• Children love to pretend they are superheroes. Imagine what Samson’s parents thought when he grew stronger than their ox!

One thing is clear: God delights in developing and working through a wide variety of people. We shouldn’t be surprised that not all children are the same or need standard parenting. While God intends for everyone to become like Christ, He doesn’t intend for them to be exactly like one another. Children have different personalities, experiences, and callings. That requires different parenting.

What’s a Parent to Do?

Mike was our firstborn. He was generally a compliant, good-natured child, though the only way to get him to sit still was by firmly setting him in fresh concrete. He was a born party animal who was always smiling and never met a stranger he didn’t take to immediately. Then came Daniel. He was quieter than his brother and more sedentary. He also had a huge stubborn streak. That little character trait became evident within the first few months when he would stiffen his body in an upside down “U” shape that we dubbed “the macaroni” and scream until his needs were met. We finally seemed to be getting a handle on our children’s personalities. Then we had our dainty little girl, Carrie. Her brothers doted on her. Lisa and I (Richard) doted on her. In fact, everyone doted on her. We suppose that is how she developed into a princess.

Mom: Why do we encourage our children to “have the courage to be themselves” and then have a hissy fit if they dye their hair or wear clothes we don’t care for?

As a family, we discovered something that parents with more than one child have been learning for centuries: Every child is different. Parenting would be so much easier if all children were identical! But because they are not, we had to first understand how God had uniquely “wired” each of our three children, and secondly, we had to adjust our parenting to match each child God gave us.

Children enter the world with an innate sense of freedom and imagination. They believe anything is possible. They have no inhibitions about trying new things and discovering what works. Unfortunately, around the time children enter school, their inquisitive confidence runs headlong into dream-defying reality in the classroom. This is due in part because, though it may be okay to “be yourself” at home, as soon as you go out into the world, you have to be concerned with your image.

Crazy Inside, Coiffured Outside

When I (Carrie) was a child, I loved to style my mom’s hair. Mom would sit down in a chair and doze off while I attached every hair bow and ribbon I owned (enough to supply four seasons of Toddlers in Tiaras) at random places on her head. The feathery barrettes were my favorites, so I usually put those in the front.

Mom would inevitably gasp with delight when she looked in the mirror while I beamed with pride at my styling finesse. I could have taught Nick Arrojo a thing or two about updos. One day, when Mom was going to run some errands, I took extra care to position the barrettes and feathers “just so.”

“Everyone will stop and say, ‘Look at the gorgeous lady!’” I exclaimed as I admired my creation, bloated with pride. She dutifully said goodbye, got in the car, and drove away. I knew my mother would be the most elegant woman in the cereal aisle!

What I didn’t know was that as soon as my longsuffering mother got into the car in the garage, she would painstakingly remove all of her hair apparel. Upon her return home, she would carefully reinstall my handiwork before re-emerging into the house to spare my feelings. On this particular day, Mom stopped at the bank, the grocery store, and the dry cleaners. When she pulled into our garage, she began to hurriedly replace the multitude of hairpieces before re-entering the house.

As she started pinning them back in, she felt something in her hair that was fluffy…feather-like, even…then she understood why every person she had encountered had grinned so widely at her. Horror of all horrors—her hair looked like the aviary at the San Diego Zoo, complete with plumage. After that incident, Mom began redirecting my fledgling creative efforts into less potentially embarrassing enterprises, like baking cookies. I didn’t realize it at the time, but our “anything goes” attitude at home was being severely curtailed by concern for the opinions of people outside our house.

It’s one thing to be innovative and daring at home.¹ But in public, we tend to form ranks and trudge in line with everyone else. We are inhibited by people’s opinion far more than we like to admit. Our culture relentlessly pressures children, and their parents, to conform. Schools herd children through standardized tests, routines, and educational formulas. Companies follow bureaucratic policies and procedures. Clever marketing campaigns compel parents to make sure their child does what all the other kids are doing and has what all the other kids have.

Mom: There is something immensely refreshing about off-the-wall people.

The end result is middle-aged adults who have long since sacrificed their youthful dreams on the altar of orthodoxy. People whose imaginations were overactive as children now march in sync to society’s drumbeat.

School can be harsh on children who are “different.” Society has a way of chipping away at our children’s individuality and creativity until they look and act like everyone else. Parents can inadvertently compound the problem by treating all of their children exactly the same. “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?” has haunted many a child into adulthood. If you are going to encourage your children to identify, embrace, and celebrate their uniqueness, it won’t be easy. You can expect plenty of teasing, trials, and tears. But it will be worth it! If you want to help your children develop their unique God-given personalities, here are three simple guidelines:

1. Encourage your children to express their individuality.

I (Carrie) have a spunky little cousin named Madi. She recently started kindergarten at a school that requires uniforms. On the first day of school, her mom dressed her in the school-issued navy-blue skirt and red blouse. Madi looked in the mirror and frowned.

“Mama,” she said. “This is not my style. I look like a boy.”

Mama: “But you’re wearing a skirt.”

Madi: “It’s not pink; it’s blue, Mama.”

Mama: “It’s the rules, Madi.”

Madi: “I am having a hard time with all these rules, Mama.”

A sympathetic adult warned Madi’s mom that sending her to a school with a mandatory dress code would rob Madi of her individuality. Madi’s mom replied, “The school may conform to Madi, but Madi will not conform to the school!”

Sure enough, Madi’s “first day of school” photo shows her obediently wearing her uniform, along with a denim jacket, bright blue eyeglasses, purple backpack, yellow socks, multi-colored sandals, and a crisp white hair bow. We are cheering for young Madi as she strives to maintain her identity and self-respect in a world that is hard on non-conformists.

2. Help your children explore their options.

It’s ironic that in the United States, where people pride themselves on their freedom, trends are, well, such a trend. Young people often resort to the “herd” mentality. They dress in the same clothes, listen to the same music, go to the same movies, and adopt the same vernacular. Parents reinforce this tendency by enrolling their children in the same lessons, sports, and educational activities as everyone else. We want our children to develop as individuals, but we often treat them as if they are not unique.

One way to help your children embrace their unique passions and gifts is by helping them explore the numerous options available to them. Someone who could be the poster child for this truth is another one of Carrie’s cousins, Morgan.

Morgan: Breaking the Mold

I (Carrie) love spending time with my cousin Morgan, who is three years younger than I am. I don’t think she has experienced a humdrum (or normal) moment in her life.

She loves to try extreme sports. So, quite predictably, she’s broken several bones, some of them more than once. She recently injured her leg in a “freak” accident when she decided to walk around her house for a few days solely in a handstand position, just to change things up.

During her senior year in high school, Morgan got tired of sitting at a desk all day, so rather than the usual curriculum, she enrolled in an outdoor wilderness program. This was not an extended field trip for wimps. It was the kind where they dropped you off—Bear Grylls style—with nothing but a compass and a jackknife, and you had to use survival skills to get back to base camp. To complicate matters, it was February in Saskatchewan, Canada. Temperatures of 20 degrees below zero and three inches of snow didn’t stop her from finding her way back to civilization—more specifically, to the nearest shopping mall.

Cousin Morgan loves fashion, food, books, driving a quad, snowboarding, playing the guitar, climbing up things, jumping off things, rappelling down things, and making artistic creations. To pay her way through college, Morgan is presently a fruit sculptor at a trendy local brunch bistro. She can make a watermelon look like a rose. She also does stints as the mascot at local sporting events. When she’s not creating edible art, she is working with children in Mexico or taking surfing lessons in Hawaii. She recently returned from a 40-day whirlwind tour of 19 countries in Europe, which she paid for through her various unusual jobs.

Morgan’s family moved to a different city when she was entering her senior year of high school. For most of us, that would be traumatic. Not for her. She walked into the cafeteria on the first day and announced, “I’m new here. Anyone else new too?” She had an instant circle of friends. Morgan inspires me to try new things and to laugh at myself.

3. Equip your child to go for it!

The only thing worse than not knowing what to do with your life is to know but lack the courage or the resources to go for it. It’s common today for parents to praise their children for being one-of-a-kind. There are books, poems, and bumper stickers galore expressing the benefits of chasing your dream. But all that rhetoric is meaningless if parents aren’t willing to help their children make those dreams a reality.

When Mike and Daniel were in their early teens, they wanted to form a rock band with their two best friends (another set of brothers) and become famous. I (Richard) knew that eventually they would probably choose other careers—at least I hoped they would. Still, I admired them for being visionaries. Lisa and I bought them a drum set and a guitar. We found a music school and drove them to and from lessons. We replaced broken drumsticks and lost guitar picks. We also bought ample supplies of earplugs so we were prepared for their practice sessions.

They poured themselves into their band. It was called Val Veeda (the name was loosely based on a cheese brand). They practiced loudly for hours in our basement. One thing led to another, and ultimately, they formed a new band with a more sophisticated sound (and a female vocalist who could actually sing).

The new band was called Fading Rebel. Their signature song was entitled “Strength to Stand,” and was about having the courage to stand up for your faith. The band even toured for a while in neighboring cities with some better-known bands and played in some pretty sketchy venues. They made a CD and printed t-shirts with their logo emblazoned on them.

I recall attending one of the boys’ performances. I was the president of a theological seminary at the time and a (somewhat) respected Christian leader in our community. I assumed I had a certain image to uphold. But there on stage were my two teenage boys. Both had hair that was way past due for a visit to the hair salon. Both sported piercings. Both were jumping all over the stage, headbanging, and doing acrobatic leaps off their amps. There were other adults from our church in attendance. I admit that I began to worry about what they would think (or tell others) about my children’s behavior. Surely the teenage sons of a Christian author and speaker like myself should be occupying themselves ministering to the homeless or studying the Bible in the original Hebrew and Greek.

As I began to worry that perhaps I had been a bit too lenient in the standards I had enforced in our home, I suddenly felt a frantic tap on my arm. It was Lisa. She informed me that the crowd needed to get more involved in the music. And, as she often did on such occasions, she had a plan.

“Richard, get all the adults we know to join us, and let’s charge the stage and start a mosh pit!” Gulp. Now my dear wife has had some pretty “out there” ideas before (like suggesting I quit my job and move our family to a small northern town where we could run a coffee shop and sell homemade snacks and crafts), but this was really pushing my envelope! The next thing I knew, I was timidly running up to the stage, jumping up and down and waving my hands. I had no idea what proper moshing etiquette involved.

What happened next surprised the life out of me. Teenagers from all over the auditorium spied the awkward, middle-aged adults pathetically trying to mosh to the music. Suddenly, the young people eagerly raced to join the fogies. Teenagers were hurling themselves against me, laughing, and urging me not to quit. I have thanked God every day since that no one caught that spectacle on camera. The next day, I was in so much pain I could barely crawl out of bed. But do you know what? Our kids couldn’t believe it. They knew we supported them, but to launch a mosh pit that left people in our town still buzzing days later? That was epic!

Eventually, our boys outgrew their fixation with stardom. Now they both play regularly on the worship band at church. Are they rock stars? No. But they wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. They learned much more than how to play an instrument. They made some terrific memories while they pursued their dreams. They also have a great deal on a t-shirt if you’re interested…

It’s not enough to spout motivational platitudes to your children about chasing their dream. They need you to do more than sit in your armchair and cheer them on. They need you to support them in visible ways: with your time, presence, and money.

The Cost of Following the Formula

My (Carrie) childhood friend Lacey was mercilessly bullied at school. She wanted to transfer to another school where many of her church friends were enrolled, or perhaps attend a Christian institution. Most of all, she longed to try homeschooling. While sympathetic, her parents told her she had to press on because 1) there was no bus service to the other school, 2) they couldn’t afford private school, 3) her siblings were doing fine in the same circumstances, and 4) her mom didn’t want to be tied down at home now that her children were school-aged.

So Lacey, a compliant child, trudged off to a school she despised. She often expressed resentment that her family didn’t take her concerns seriously. Her school experience was miserable. She finally graduated and couldn’t leave home fast enough. Free at last, she launched into a lifestyle that summarily rejected her parents’ Christian beliefs and values.

Lacey’s parents realized their daughter was struggling, but they failed to make the necessary modifications to their parenting practices so she could succeed. They felt bound to the only model of parenting they knew. Unfortunately, that model contributed to their daughter’s downfall.

Mom: If children never see their parents challenge prevailing customs, then they also may be ill-equipped to do so.

Challenge

For as long as I can remember, my (Carrie) parents encouraged my brothers and me to seek God’s direction for our lives. I grew up knowing that our best interests were not always achieved by following the lead of our friends. We also learned that mimicking what our parents had done at our age wouldn’t necessarily be right for us either (not to mention, my dad’s scraggly, lopsided 70s afro is a little difficult to replicate). Though we made some mistakes along the way, each of us developed a unique life that, so far, has been extremely rewarding.

Mom: Parenting is tough. But the good news is, we can learn from each other’s successes and mistakes.

A few years ago for Christmas, my mom bought me a t-shirt bearing a quote from my favorite author, Mark Twain (who was many things, but certainly not a conformist). It says, “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” That statement sums up my family’s motto.

Conclusion

When people settle for bland, uninspired living, they insult their Creator. It is your responsibility as a parent to help your children understand the multi-dimensional individual God created them to be. Don’t allow the world, society, your children’s friends, or your own parenting to diminish their God-given uniqueness. At the end of the day, don’t worry if your kids don’t turn out exactly as you hoped. You certainly need not be alarmed if they grow up to be different than their friends. Rather, do all you can to ensure that each of your children has the courage, support, and tenacity to blossom into the person they were meant to be.

Reflect and Respond

1. What is an example of the way you celebrate your child’s individuality? How might you have inadvertently suppressed your child’s unique spirit and characteristics in your effort to help them fit in?

2. Do you have the nerve to allow your children to take a different path than the one their friends are choosing? Are you prepared for the inevitable comments you may receive from other adults?

3. Jot down the most recent thing you did in your family that would be considered non-traditional. What happened? Would you do it again? Why or why not?

4. Do you praise your children for their uniqueness and individual successes? In praising one child, have you inadvertently made one of your other children feel inadequate by comparison?

Action Ideas

1. Write the names of each of your children on a separate page. List the unique qualities (good or not so good) about each one. Then list unique ways you are parenting them to accommodate for their individuality. List anything you might need to start doing that might help each particular child to thrive.

2. Make a lunch date with each of your children. Ask them how they see themselves as unique from their siblings and from their friends. If they have difficulty identifying anything, brainstorm with them. Then ask how they feel they might need to be parented differently in light of their individual personality.

3. Go shopping and find a poster or humorous item that celebrates a particular characteristic of each child. Perhaps have a special family meal where you present the gifts and celebrate the uniqueness of each family member.

4. Have a family meeting about your family’s “culture.” Discuss how your family is different from other families. Don’t let this be a time to criticize other families, but instead, to consider your own family’s uniqueness. Brainstorm ways you might do certain activities that would be unique to your family. Talk openly about the fact that you are willing to develop a family that is different from other families in positive ways.

1 One time my brother Daniel broke out into dance to the Elvis song “All Shook Up” by himself in his room while wearing nothing but his boxers and a knitted hat. Only when he stopped to catch his breath did he notice that the blinds were open and he was in full view of our entire cul-de-sac. Our neighbors became intimately acquainted with his daring and creative side.