Читать книгу Bigger than Hitler – Better than Christ - Rik Mayall - Страница 15

My first question to any producer who wants me in his play is, “Does the character smoke?” This is important because I do very powerful acting-smoking. Motivation and character arks (these are technical playrighting terms which mean stuff about the character who is the person that you are pretending to be) are important to me but more important is that I have a packet of fags and that my character has a good bird (NB^*: no clap or syph – and she must bring her own condoms. I can’t be seen wandering around buying condoms. I’m Rik Mayall. It’s also quite handy to find out where she keeps her purse.) I know you think I’m taking the piss but I am the piss and I’ve not been taken anywhere. I go where I want. I am the freedom piss in the toilet of oblivion flushing myself away into the sewer pipe of broken dreams. That’s not bad actually – seems a shame to just read it once. Go on, I’ll wait for you here. Done it? Good. Anyway, what I’m saying is, you tell me one play that I’ve been in when I haven’t smoked and I won’t listen. Probably because I won’t be in the same room as you.

Being in a play is great for having it off in the afternoons so it pays to have a bed in the dressing room. But don’t install any webcams. Look at what happened to Dirty Dan.

It’s also very important when you are starting out as a leading acter and comedy giant to get yourself a business partner. This is what is called an agent. This is not a secret agent (although they can be secretive) and they don’t as a rule have guns in their pockets. Although mine does. An agent is a person who finds work for you and makes sure that you’re happy with all the arrangements for things and sometimes even gets you money for what you are doing. They take the lion’s share obviously, which is only fair after all the life-threatening negotiations they have to do.

I remember it so well, it’s like it was yesterday. I was at a Celebrity Squares aftershow party. All the greats were there: Crowther, Biggins, Cheggers, Hull, De Courcey, Rogers, Lynch, Russell Grant (obviously) and there we were all howling and gibbering and convulsing and spasming and evacuating our bowels with hilarity as Lynchy and I did some of our verbal swordsmanship when Roger Moore took me to one side and said, “Hi Rik, love your work, I hear you’re looking for an agent. I know a guy called Heimi Fingelstein.” The dye was cast (which means that something big was going to happen). My personal favourite 007 gave me the address of a post office box which I wrote to. The following spring I had a phone call from Heimi’s assistant, Big Joan, who arranged for me to come in for a meeting.

Roger told me something amazing that he had learnt in the secret service but it’s confidential and I can’t tell you what it is. What he did tell me that I can tell you about is that for important meetings it’s always good to wear a wire which means you can record your conversation on a tape recorder which is sellotaped to your chest. Unfortunately, this being the late seventies, the tape machine was quite large and cumbersome and took a lot of sellotape to hold it in place and a lot of baggy jumpers to conceal it satisfactorily. What follows is a transcript of my first meeting with my agent, Heimi Mad Dog Fingelstein^*.

Tape starts. Sounds of rustling sticky tape and various doors opening. Footsteps on stairs. Sounds of lots of sewing machines in the background and the occasional female scream.

RIK:	Hello, I am The Rik Mayall: acter, comedian, wit, satirist –
BIG JOAN:	I don’t need to know any of that, mate. I just answer the phone and take messages. What you do is your own business. Now, just go through into his office and once you’re in there, look straight ahead and don’t turn your back on him.
RIK:	Thank you.
BIG JOAN:	Don’t thank me, in fact, don’t look at my face. Oh and just one last thing, what blood group are you?
RIK:	Rhesus Negative.
BIG JOAN:	Oh well, never mind. In you go. Sound of door opening
RIK:	Hello. You must be Heimi.
HEIMI:	No, he passed away tragically. I was there. Who are you?
RIK:	I’m The Rik Mayall: acter, comedian, wit, satirist –
HEIMI:	Into intercom Joan, send in Neville with the acid bath, it’s another one of those Panorama reporters. You’re sure? Oh him, right. Rhesus negative? Maybe the organs then? All right, well, if you could pick up my dry cleaning and while you’re out, I’ll have a sandwich. Extra mustard, that’s right. Switches off intercom Rik, my boy! I’ve always loved you, how are you my darling?
RIK:	Heimi?
HEIMI:	Possibly. Now, sit down and let’s talk fame and cash. Intercom buzzes Excuse me. Into intercom Who is it? Okay, I’ll take it. Picks up phone Ah, Chief Inspector! Very well, very well. How is Svetlana settling in? Sauce? Oh sores, well that’s because of the lorry journey – it’s a long way from Hungary and they are packed in tight. They’ll heal up soon I’m sure. Besides, if you’re not one hundred per cent happy, I’ll send you another one, although I’ll have Svetlana back if that’s okay as she’s a rare blood group and still has a kidney left. Your wife? Oh yes, I remember. That house she’s set her heart on and the occupants won’t sell. Nasty business. You just leave it with me Chief Inspector. There will be a tragic DIY accident this weekend so the house will be on the market soon. I’ll have my assistant get the address from you. Don’t mention it. We aim to please. Yes, business is good. I’ve just added a dog food factory to my portfolio. Yeah, that’s right Inspector, dogs’11 eat any thing won’t they? Who’s to know? An Alsatian’s not going to take the oath is he? There’s always a smile on someone’s face. Okay, well, be lucky. Speak soon. Good luck with the riot. Bye for now. To Rik You never heard any of that okay?
RIK:	Oh okay, ha ha ha…
HEIMI:	Squeal and your dead.
RIK:	Right.
HEIMI:	Now, first things first, how big’s your schlong?
RIK:	I beg your pardon?
HEIMI:	If you want to make it in the adult film business, you’ve got to have a big one. I don’t make the rules.
RIK:	No, I think you must have mistaken me for someone else. I’m the highly original new radical socialist acter and comedian. Although I do have a very large penis.
HEIMI:	I was misinformed. But don’t worry my boy – anything can work to someone’s advantage. In fact, thinking about it, I’ve got a lovely bit of work for you Rikky my favourite client. It’ll play to your strengths in every department, and there’ll be some serious cash as well.
RIK:	Great, now you’re really talking.
HEIMI:	Can you run fast?
RIK:	Like an Olympiad.
HEIMI:	Good. Like dogs?
RIK:	Like dogs is my middle name.
HEIMI:	Looks like we’re in business then. I’m smelling money already.
RIK:	What is it?
HEIMI:	Police.
RIK:	Are they bringing Z Cars back!?
HEIMI:	No, pretty Rik, grab a hold of something solid, it’s even bigger than that. Hold your breath. Intercom buzzes Oh fuck, hold on Rik. Into intercom What is it? Oh right, put him straight through. Picks up phone and becomes nice Hello Director General. I take it you got my message…That’s right. She’s fourteen and she’s prepared to testify. Add to that the photographs that would be found in your house should there be an anonymous tip-off leading to a police search, and I think you’re looking at about fifteen years. Of course I’ll hold for a moment. To Rik It is police and it is television but it’s not exactly a police television programme if you get my meaning. Into phone Ah that’s quite all right Director General. I’m glad that you have reached the right decision. It’s not a good programme that Panorama. I should drop it if I was you…Beg pardon? The reporters? The ones that came here to question me? No, I have no recollection of any reporters making contact with me and neither does my assistant. All my very best wishes to you and your wife, Director General. We never had this conversation. You don’t know me. Bye for now. To Rik Oh dear, sorry about that, I should have mentioned you whilst I had him on the line. Anyway, where were we?
RIK:	The television work you’re lining me up for.
HEIMI:	Ah yes, the police dog training video.
RIK:	The what?
HEIMI:	The police dog training video – they’re looking for someone to play a hooligan.
RIK:	Oh I see, it’s a joke, very good Heimi, ha ha ha!
HEIMI:	Do you see a smile on my face?
RIK:	No, sorry.
HEIMI:	Good, now let me see. Consults diary You’re not going to be anywhere near Watford on Friday morning at about 10 o’clock are you?
RIK:	No.
HEIMI:	Just as well. There’s going to be a nasty gas explosion. It’ll be very tragic. But business is business. Ah, now, let me see. You need to be at Hendon Police Training Centre next Wednesday at 8.30am.
RIK:	Will they send a car for me?
HEIMI:	Oh good heavens no.
RIK:	And what sort of deal are they offering?
HEIMI:	Deal?
RIK:	Money.
HEIMI:	Oh good Lord, he comes in here and he wants to talk to me about money. Trust me Rikky-boy there will be money. There is always money somewhere along the line. Sound of Heimi standing up and Rik getting suddenly very nervous, and very carefully not turning his back on Heimi. Lovely to see you again Rikky, make sure your health insurance is up to date and don’t mention anything to anyone.
RIK:	Thanks Heimi. Thank you very much. I love your work Mr. Fingelstein.
HEIMI:	I can neither confirm nor deny my identity at this juncture but I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all the best for the future. Now, make sure you leave all your details with Big Joan and I’ll be seeing you soon.
RIK:	All right, well, bye then Heimi.
HEIMI:	Be good. This conversation never happened.

Sound of the door opening followed by the sound of sticky tape tearing away from skin and a large cassette recorder crashing to the floor.

And that, viewer, is how I came to be represented by Heimi Mad Dog Fingelstein. It’s just like that dear dear friend of mine, lovely Peter whats-his-name used to say – no, sorry, it’s gone.