Читать книгу Not pregnant yet? You bet! - Римма Ефимкина - Страница 19

Here is yet another story of infertility with the bright metaphor for codependent relationships with one’s father. Nastya is my student, she is thirty. She heard during one of my lectures that some incurable diseases could be treated by psychosomatic therapy and decided to give a try to this method. I invited her to my psychosomatic group, but she refused, as it was hard for her to share the intimate details of her family life with strangers.

I agreed to work individually. I don’t think it’s a good idea, as healing the soul in solitude encourages isolation. I often witness how members of a group share their stories about similar problems and are relieved when they hear they are not alone. Nevertheless, after sharing their problem with one person (therapist) some women agree to go to the group.

Nastya said nervously:

– I have been married for two years and I cannot get pregnant. I have a rare condition – polycystic ovaries.

– It will be more clear for me if you tell about the disease in your own words. Polycystic ovaries – how is that?

Although, I do have medical training (when I was in Teacher-Training Institute, I studied medicine, was an intern at several hospitals, passed exams and got a nurses certificate, as it was required by law back then). However, I prefer listening to my clients when they describe their disease. I guess, the medic in me was beaten by philologist, I can diagnose a person’s strategies in relationships with other people by what he/she is saying. So I was prepared to listed to Nastya:

– Polycystic ovaries prevent the eggs from maturing. They stay in the ovaries and grow into the walls. It’s like when you cook rice and it burns and sticks to the inside of the pot and you can’t tear it away.

– Let’s go on with this metaphor. I have Tefal pot, nothing sticks to the inside. What do you do with your pot?

– I pour some water in, the rice becomes soft and it’s easier to get it out.

– How does this remind you of your life? Who are you so “stuck” with that it is necessary “soak” to become “soft”.

– My father, I guess. But its him who is stuck with me and won’t get away.

– Tell me more about your relationships.

– My mother and he have been separated for a long time, and I’m his favorite daughter. He drinks, I feel pity for him, I either visit him or call him every day, I cannot do this anymore, I have a job, I have my own family…

– What will happen if you stop visiting him and get down to your own business?

– In this case he comes to the firm I work for and sits in the hall until I come out. I’m ashamed of him for doing this, and I’m mad at him.

– Here is a chair. Imagine your father sits on it and tell him these words.

– I can’t tell him!

– Start with these very words: “I can’t tell you….”

Nastya gathers her strength, looks at the chair imagining her father and says agitated:

– I can’t tell you that I’m ashamed of you, because you are my father and I feel pity for you…

– You are crying. What is going on with you?

– What do I do? I’m desperate… Should I live with him all my life?

– Tell this to your father?

– Father, I’m desperate! I’m thirty, I want to have kids, I want to live my own life with my husband. I can’t be your nurse, I have my own life! I can’t give you so much of my time…

– What would he answer to these words? Sit on his chair and listen to yourself.

Nastay sits on the other chair, putting on the role of her father and answers:

– You are right. I feel awkward for using you like this. But I have nothing else in my life… I drink, I missed out on my own family. I don’t know what i live for, I wish God took me…

– Sit on your own chair, be Nastya again. What do you feel when you hear these words from your father? Tell him.

– I feel so much pity for you! I will do anything to make you feel good!

– Do you see now how strongly the metaphor of pot and rice reminds of your relationships with your father?

– So what do I do?

– I have already asked you what you did when the rice burns and sticks to the pot. You said you needed to soften it and it will go away. Now I see that you have softened, you heard your father’s feelings and you feel pity for him. Now it’s time to go away.

– How?

– I don’t know. It’s your life, you are the one to change it if it doesn’t suit you.

– Of course, it doesn’t suit me.

– Change it. What would you like to change?

– I would like to visit my father form time to time, when he really needs help.

– How much time are you ready to dedicate to your father?

– Actually – visit him once a week.

– Tell him about it.

– Father, I will meet with you once a week. The rest of the time it’s my life.

– Change places with your father and answer.

– Then I will die.

– What will you answer to this?

– I’m scared, but I’m outraged that you use such unfair methods. I love you and I want you to live.

– How can you make him live longer?

– I can’t! Should I watch him all the time? I guess I should stick to him again like rice to the pot. I’m tired of this!

– Want would you like to do?

Suddenly, Nastya changes, from a little scared girl she turns into a woman of her own age and says calmly.

– Father, I’m sorry to hear that you do not want to live, but I’m powerless to do anything with it. I can only live my own life, not yours. You can threaten me, but this doesn’t work with me anymore.

– Answer something form the role of your father.

– Yes, I believe you.

– What would you like to answer.

– I would like to finish. I have understood what my symptom was about.