Читать книгу My Ten Years in a Quandary - Robert C Benchley - Страница 14

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There are certain days when I don't want to hear about certain things. Do you know what I mean?

Today I do not want to hear about fur-bearing trout. The very words "fur-bearing trout" are offensive to me, either in print or in the spoken word. So today I read that a man has reported to the Anglers' Club that he has discovered a fur-bearing trout. That's the way my whole life has been.

At first I thought that I wouldn't read about it. "This is a free country," I said to myself, smiling sadly. "You don't have to read anything you don't want to read. Skip it, and go on to the next page. Keeping abreast of current events is one thing—masochism is another."

* * * * *

But that old New England streak in me, that atavistic yearning for a bad time if a bad time is possible, turned my eyes down into the column which was headed:

FUR-BEARING TROUT AMAZES ANGLERS Its Pelt Is Called Sure Goitre Cure

And here I am—not only thinking about it but actually writing about it. I may not be able to finish, but here I am, passing the unhappy news on to you.

William C. Adams, director of fish and game activities of the State Conservation Commission of New York, is the authority. Passing up, for the moment, just what fish and game activities call for direction, let us accept Mr. Adams as a man who knows his piscatorial onions. He has everything to lose and nothing to gain by frightening me with a cock-and-bull story about fur-bearing trout. He says:

"Deep in the lakes of Yellowstone, where the waters are so cold they never freeze, looking you straight in the eye, has been discovered this peculiar denizen of the deep. Its fur has been found extremely useful in the prevention of goitre. When collected into a neckpiece the possibilities are unlimited."

* * * * *

This would seem an understatement. The possibilities of a neck-piece made of trout pelts would not only be unlimited—they would be staggering. It could easily drive the wearer crazy, just by her thinking of what she had on. It would start a civil war.

"What is that lovely fur you have on, my dear?"

"That is unborn trout. My husband caught them."

Pistol shots ring out, brother takes up arms against brother, the country dissolves rapidly into chaos.

I feel that such news as this which Mr. Adams brings should be kept from the public. It does no one any good to know that there are such things as fur-bearing trout. If the pelts are good for goitre, let goitre sufferers take advantage of them under another name, such as "piscarin" or "troutoxin." If neckpieces must be made of them, let us go to the French for the mode and call them fourrure de truite.

But please let's not go about talking of "fur-bearing trout" or "trout pelts." At any rate, not today.