Читать книгу High Treason and Low Comedy - Robert T. O’Keeffe - Страница 9

(The Chief of the Intelligence Bureau, Colonel Umanitzky; the Inspector General of the Troops, Archduke Viktor Salvator; and the Chief of the General Staff, Field Marshal Conrad von Hötzendorf)

UMANITZKY (sitting at his desk, on the telephone with the police chief): No, No, Herr Commissioner, release the man from custody at six o’clock this evening. I’ll send someone to keep him under watch on the Elizabeth Street promenade. Something’s bound to play out there.

(Salvator and Conrad enter)

UMANITZKY (jumping to his feet): With my obedient respect, your Imperial Highness! With obedient respect, Excellency!

CONRAD: Good afternoon, Herr Colonel.

SALVATOR (extending his hand toward Umanitzky): Greetings! So, how’s everything with you? Still chasing the ladies? Yesterday I was over at Tabarin,* there’s a little Hungarian girl there, Ilonka, she’s flawless, her advance guard as well as her rear-guard. (he traces her figure in the air with his hands)

CONRAD: Herr Colonel, we’ve come to take a look at the facilities of the counter-intelligence service.

* An exclusive men’s club in Vienna.

No cognac, No attractive young girls?

SALVATOR: Do you have any cognac, Umanitzky? Or a whiskey and soda? You know, just the other day I was at Sacher’s* in the

* A popular hotel, with restaurant and café, home of the famous chocolate-cake confection, “Sacher-Torte”.

afternoon, and I guzzled down a sherry-cobbler, enough to drown you, the whole thing through a straw ...

CONRAD: We’re on duty here, Imperial Highness.

SALVATOR (with mock strictness): By all means, on duty, Colonel, Sir! I order you to show us the facilities of the counterintelligence bureau. I forbid you to speak of any private or personal matters here! (already he lapses from his role-playing) Don’t you really have any cognac? (Conrad directs Umanitzky to get out a bottle of cognac for Salvator. Salvator sits down and takes a drink)

UMANITZKY (explaining things): Your Excellency, here’s the photographic catalog of everyone suspected of espionage, foreigners and our own citizens, listed in alphabetical order, both male and female agents.

SALVATOR (jumping up): What the devil! You’ve got women in there too? Any good-looking ones in there, huh? I’ve got to see this for myself!

CONRAD: We’re on duty here, Imperial Highness.

SALVATOR: Well, what nonsense! What do you really think about that, Herr Colonel? Over there we’re on duty too, Herr Colonel. Do you think that in the military chancellery we spend all our time on our own pleasures? (here he falls out of his role) Come on, Umanitzky, show me a couple of lively young ladies, tell me their story ...

Secret Photographs

CONRAD: Herr Colonel, how do you come by the photographs?

UMANITZKY: The photographs you’re looking at are of people who’ve been detained by the police, or even jailed, they’re sent to us by various police agencies. There are some photos that we get from confidential sources who work for us, informants. And we take photographs of everyone who shows up here without them being aware of it ...

CONRAD: Without them being aware of it?

SALVATOR: Without them being aware of it? Now that’s something really big, useful I mean. You ... well, you can certainly take nude photos, can’t you? Of course, you must take nude photos. Umanitzky, come on, I beg you, please show me some photos of naked women, please, do me that favor ...

CONRAD: How do you actually photograph people without them being aware of it?

UMANITZKY: Anyone who sits in this chair, either to offer his services in our espionage work or to bring us some information, is photographed, both in full-face and profile. These two paintings on the walls have cut-outs with close-up lenses in them (he rotates the paintings out from the wall), and behind them is the photographic equipment.

CONRAD: Outstanding!

SALVATOR: Excellent! (he sits down in a club-chair). You really must take my picture now. Six photos, desk-top size, if you please. You know, a few days ago I was at Ronacher’s,* and I arranged to meet the six Picadilly Girls in a private room – you know, they’re from the English dance company, and each one of them asked for a photo of me.

* A Viennese musical theater.

The fingerprint trap

CONRAD (addressing Umanitzky): Please continue, Herr Colonel.

UMANITZKY: Moreover, each person has an impression of his fingerprints taken, though he has no idea that it’s being done. The impressions are then printed out for entry into our fingerprint registry.

CONRAD: How do you get their fingerprints without them knowing it?

UMANITZKY: I arrange to have myself called, and when the phone rings and while I’m talking, I push over the cigarette case or ask my guest to take something from a box of chocolates. Or I offer my guest a cigarette, and then he pulls over the lighter and the ashtray. All the boxes and the lighter are coated with invisible red lead powder.

CONRAD: What happens when they take a cigarette or a chocolate?

UMANITZKY: Then I have myself called out of the room for a minute. If the person is some kind of agent, then he immediately reaches for the folder on my desk that’s labeled “Top Secret”. And the folder is also coated with a silky powder.

CONRAD: Extremely useful, that!

SALVATOR: It’s not useful at all. When I think about it, you know, with me groping things all over the place with my fingertips—well, anybody can go around all over the place, find my fingerprints and reveal my incognito. For example, four days ago, just an example, I was with Madame Rosa in a private room ...

CONRAD: We’re on duty here, Imperial Highness.

The cabinet that’s not a cabinet

SALVATOR: Naturally, on duty. Let me ask you something, Colonel, related to duty of course, can you lift fingerprints from a woman’s body?

UMANITZKY: Certainly, Imperial Highness.

SALVATOR: Well that’s a filthy business, disgusting! Won’t a man be able to enjoy himself anywhere in the world?

CONRAD: Please continue, Herr Colonel.

UMANITZKY: Here, for instance, this cabinet ...

CONRAD: This medicine cabinet?

UMANITZKY: ... is no medicine cabinet, Excellency, for inside it there is ...

SALVATOR: ... inside there’s champagne. How about that, did I guess it right, Umanitzky? I’m pretty sly, huh? Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a clever one. We used to have a lady’s maid, and she would always say that I was so clever they could use me to catch mice. I don’t know how it’s come about, but I can’t catch mice any more. Just this afternoon, going home from the tavern, I saw so many white mice ...

CONRAD: So, what’s in there, in the medicine cabinet?

SALVATOR: Champagne is what’s in there, like I just said. I’ve already seen it for myself.

The technical preservation of conversations

UMANITZKY (as he opens the cabinet): Inside there’s a gramophone’s recording device, it’s activated before any important conversation takes place. Here, look, you can see the speaker-horn.

SALVATOR (disappointed): I don’t give a damn about that.

UMANITZKY: Everything that’s said is inscribed by a needle onto a gramophone record, and then it’s stored away and filed by protocol.

SALVATOR: That’s splendid, magnificent! You, Umanitzky, you’ve got to play back everything I’ve just said here, right now. That will be fabulous!

UMANITZKY: I regret to say, Imperial Highness, that the device was not turned on.

SALVATOR: That’s the usual nonsense from you scamps! Naturally — that’s the way it goes, my best speeches and expressions are lost forever. What a pity, that every word a man says is lost. But I’m going to have one of these things made for me at home, then every evening I’ll send off everything I’ve said that day to the Academy of Science, they can play it for their philosophy classes. You do know that I have the title of Protector of the Academy of Science, don’t you, Conrad?

CONRAD: Certainly, your Imperial Highness. Just as your father before you was the Protector of the Academy of Science.

SALVATOR: Aha, I know what you mean to say — you think that I inherited the position, that everything’s due to inheritance, the old protection racket. No, my dear man, it’s not that simple. That having been born an Archduke has offered me some slight advantages, well, I’ll grant you that, but a man must accomplish

All of our arrangements are due to Redl!

something else in this world before he becomes a Protector of the Academy of Sciences!

CONRAD: Certainly, your Imperial Highness! (addressing Umanitzky next): Your arrangements here are cunning, most interesting. Was all this put together according to your instructions?

UMANITZKY: No, your Excellency, the truth of the matter is that all of these arrangements come from Colonel Redl’s work. As the leader of our counterintelligence program Redl organized everything, the criteria for recruiting agents, he wrote the book on methods of surveillance, he established the techniques for exposing foreign spies, all of it.

CONRAD: An ingenious fellow, that Redl. Someday he’s going to be my successor.

SALVATOR: There’s something disgusting about the man, I’ve never seen him with a woman.

UMANITZKY: Too bad he’s not still with us here in intelligence.

CONRAD: Yes, well I definitely had to give him the job of General-Staff Chief in Prague. War could break out at any moment now, and Prague is dangerous terrain, what with all the Panslavism there, constitutionalism, anti-militarism, anti-dynastic sentiments, high treason just beneath the surface — there has to be a man there who knows secret police work thoroughly, someone like Redl.

UMANITZKY: By the way, if I may be permitted to say so, respectfully and without exaggeration, our facilities here are operating just as smoothly under my leadership as if Redl himself were still here.

Conditions along the borders are compromised

CONRAD: Colonel, it’s just on that account that we came here. The intelligence services are not functioning to our satisfaction. What’s the use of all of these criminal investigation facilities when our most secret preparations along the Russian, Serbian and Italian borders can be countered by the enemy within three days?

UMANITZKY: Excellency, we must have a very high-ranking source betraying us.

SALVATOR (making an aside): Oh my soul, maybe I’m about to come under suspicion. (Then speaking aloud): But, my dear gentlemen, I don’t know a thing about our preparations along the borders, I give you my word of honor. The only secrets I could betray are the marching orders against the Ballet or the training regulations over at Frau Sachs’s place.*

CONRAD: Most definitely, we’re being betrayed by a highly placed source. And it’s definitely the job of the intelligence bureau to discover just who this high-ranking source is. Herr Colonel, what steps have you undertaken about that?

SALVATOR: It’s simple. I’d just arrest this highly placed source. And then string him up. It’s all the same to me whether the spy is you or me —— I mean, not me, but you, Umanitzky, for example. Tell me, Conrad, why don’t you just simply have this high-ranker arrested?

CONRAD: Pardon, your Imperial Highness, but we don’t know who he is.

SALVATOR: Well, you’ve got to find that our right away!

CONRAD: Certainly, Imperial Highness. So then, Colonel, what steps have you taken?

* Presumably a “high-class” brothel.

Two packets of money at the post office

UMANITZKY: As your Excellency knows we’ve set up a so-called “black room” at the main post office, where we open suspicious-looking letters and packets — we do it in spite of the legal regulations guaranteeing the inviolability of the mails.

CONRAD: You know, Herr Colonel, you’ve got to take responsibility on my behalf for this, so that not a soul knows anything about it, otherwise we’ll have a fine scandal in the Reichsrat.

UMANITZKY: The police officials who are carrying out the censorship open a thousand letters a day, on the average, and they themselves have not been told that they’re working on behalf of the army. They all believe that the main objective is to uncover toll-tax swindlers and smugglers.

CONRAD: So, what’s the result?

UMANITZKY: Besides the two letters that are being held at the main post office, nothing else special has popped up.

CONRAD: Those are the packets with cash sent from the Russian border, right?

UMANITZKY: Yes, Excellency, the ones from Eydtkühnen.*

CONRAD: And how long have they been lying around there?

UMANITZKY: The first one, containing a payment of eight thousand crowns, arrived back in February, the second one with a payment of six thousand crowns came in during early March.

CONRAD: So, already it’s been almost half a year! Those are very big cash payments – and nobody has picked them up yet!

* A German town on the border with Russia, known as a smuggler’s haven and an active center of Russian espionage activity.

The post office is under surveillance

UMANITZKY: Definitely not yet. Of course we have the postal pick-up counter under surveillance.

SALVATOR: Understood! Outstanding! A doubled guard with bayonets at the ready patrols the postal counter. And when the spy shows up, he’ll be shot right away. An excellent plan, my dear Umanitzky, and I wish you all the luck with it.

CONRAD: How are you carrying out this surveillance, Herr Colonel?

UMANITZKY: I’ve got two plain-clothes detectives from the police housed in a room in the post office, and the room is connected to the pick-up counter by a wire that sends an alarm signal. Whenever somebody shows up to pick up the two letters with the code-name “Operaball 13” on them, the clerk will press a button, and the detectives will rush in.

SALVATOR: ... and seize him, right?

UMANITZKY: To be sure, your Imperial Highness, we’ll seize him.

SALVATOR: Upon my word, that’s just what I thought myself.

CONRAD: I only wish that it had already been done. Herr Colonel, I’m making you personally responsible for this —the whole matter of the two letters has to be cleared up.

UMANITZKY: Yes Sir, Excellency!

CONRAD: I have to go now. Does his Imperial Highness have any other orders for us?

SALVATOR: No, nothing urgent. You can go now, Conrad. (sotto voce): I’ll snoop around here a little bit more. (aloud): Well, salutations, Conrad! We’ll see each other this evening for a nice meal in the Grand Hotel. Best wishes! (Conrad exits). At last, Umanitzky we’re finally all by ourselves. So now you can show me a couple of attractive lady spies. Don’t you really have any photos of naked women?

UMANITZKY: Unfortunately not, Imperial Highness. But just yesterday there was a young Polish woman in here, dark looks, absolutely gorgeous.

Report over the telephone

SALVATOR: Can you send her my way? I’ll fix up something for her, a fake report, something like that.

UMANITZKY: Imperial Highness, I don’t know if she’s coming back here again.

SALVATOR: Then at least show me her picture. You do have her photo here, don’t you?

UMANITZKY: Certainly, Imperial Highness. (he goes for the photo catalog) Ah ...what was her name? Aha ... (the telephone rings, Umanitzky goes to pick it up)

SALVATOR: First the picture, Umanitzky, if you please.

UMANITZKY: Just a moment, Imperial Highness

SALVATOR: The telephone’s not going anywhere!

UMANITZKY: I’ll take care of it quickly. (He picks up the receiver): Colonel Umanitzky here, who’s on the line? Uh-huh, the main post office, good. What’s up? Taken care of?

SALVATOR: The Operaball stuff? (Umanitzky nods yes). Give me the phone!

UMANITZKY (he fends him off gently): Picked up by an elegant, fit-looking man. Got it. Didn’t you apprehend him? What? No? Why’s that? What’s this you’re telling me? The two detectives were pressing their pants because it’s Saturday evening? What a

disgusting mess! They’ve been hanging around half-a-year,

waiting just for this moment. And they weren’t able to run him down? How’s that? He jumped into a car right away, and they didn’t have a car? Why didn’t they have a car?

Escaped!

SALVATOR: Why don’t they have a car? Every detective ought to have a car—better yet, he should have two cars, one on each sidewalk

UMANITZKY: Where are these fellows? They’re trying to find the car? What kind of a car was it? What, a taxi?

SALVATOR: Thurn and Taxis? Aha, the famous postal service of Thurn and Taxis!

UMANITZKY: A taxi, the devil take it, searching for that won’t help us much, the scoundrel’s probably been driven directly home, he’s given us the slip! Horrible! Yes, send the postal clerk over here right away, maybe he’ll be able to recognize the fellow from our collection of espionage agent photos. (he hangs up the receiver)

SALVATOR: Yes indeed, send the spy over here right away, maybe he’ll recognize the postal clerk from the photos.

UMANITZKY: It’s dreadful! (yelling into the adjacent room): All of you are staying put right here. We’re on emergency duty.

SALVATOR: Good, good, emergency duty! (to the adjacent room): On my command. Emergency duty! (into the telephone receiver): Get the whole garrison at the ready. Cavalry, saddle-up! Attack!

UMANITZKY: (he paces around frantically): What an unholy mess! They let the man slip away. They just had to be pressing their pants!

SALVATOR: Oh well, their pants were probably all wrinkled.

UMANITZKY: But why did they have to be doing that just when the letters were being picked up!

Escaped!

SALVATOR (secretively): You know, maybe they didn’t know the letter was going to be fetched just then. You, come on, show me the photos of the Polish spy-lady, right now, Umanitzky!

UMANITZKY: I can’t do that just now, Imperial Highness, now’s the time for work.

SALVATOR: Of course, now’s the time for work. (he runs all over the office, from one device to the next, trying to get something going; then, into the telephone): Aim the cannons! Post office at the ready! All mailmen to their horses! Yes! And now the spy will be flushed out right away!

UMANITZKY: Your Imperial Highness, you ought to notify Conrad that the letters have been picked up.

SALVATOR: Of course! Pick up Conrad — Notify the letters — it will be done!

UMANITZKY: It’s rather urgent, Imperial Highness.

SALVATOR: Of course! (he uses the cognac bottle as a telephone): Get the war-fleet out on the Danube! All spies on emergency duty! Salutations, Umanitzky, I’ve got to get a move on, (clarifying the point): ... there’s a bit of a rush on.

UMANITZKY: With the most obedient respect, Imperial Highness.

CURTAIN

Two men on the trail