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Grace is a word with a stoop in it. Love reaches out on the same level, but grace reaches down to pick us up.

—Author unknown

Why are you interested in youth mentoring?

This is an important question, as many well-intentioned people express an interest in mentoring youth, yet their motivation and understanding of youth is limited. Many volunteer adult mentors continue to move alongside young people and encourage them to chase their dreams, and reach their potential. The global community is enriched by the generosity of these people.

The best way to prepare yourself to mentor young people is to attend a mentor training program in which you travel on an experiential journey with other potential mentors to decide whether or not you are suited to youth mentoring. If not, there will be another way you can reach out and encourage people. Your unique gifts will never be wasted when you reach out to others.

Although youth mentoring has a long history, researchers and other professionals who work with youth continue to analyze how effective it is, and what form it should take.

Often, we have no idea how effective a mentoring relationship is. Then we read Matt’s1 story and how his mentor helped him transform his life, and we have a sense of the power of mentoring:

Jim was the father figure and male role model I unconsciously needed at the time. He was always there for me, through the good times and the bad. He was never too busy to talk to me when I had a problem. He offered me advice on everything from academics and athletics to girls. Jim had faith in me when I didn’t have faith in myself. He believed in me so much growing up that I started to believe in myself.

Why this book?

When I moved to New Zealand in 1999, I became involved in the development of youth mentoring programs which focused on the building of developmental relationships as advocated a number of years later by Search Institute CEO Kent Pekel2:

Search Institute’s studies of developmental relationships are certainly confirming that caring is critical. However, while we found that caring is necessary, we are also learning that it is not sufficient to make a relationship truly developmental. In addition to expressing care, we have identified four other elements that are essential: challenging growth, providing support, sharing power and expanding possibilities. Taken together, those five elements are the pillars of our Developmental Relationships Framework.

Later I developed the school-based GR8 Mates youth mentoring programs in Australia, while continuing to contribute ideas and resources to other start-up youth mentoring programs in Australia, New Zealand, and Africa. The success of these programs was because they focused on some of the relational variables mentioned by psychologist Professor Jean Rhodes3—“counsel or empathy, genuineness and warmth; counselor direct influence skills on youth; youth willingness to participate.” Jean shared a couple of points which my own experiences support:

Mentors should be provided training in these universal characteristics of effective helping relationships, as relational bonds and the delivery of more targeted and specific approaches to mentoring. When this balance is achieved, the mentoring relationship may be poised to better address the needs of today’s youth.

During these years I set up a website as a response to many queries I received about youth mentoring, and wrote a number of books to promote the spirit of mentoring, and youth-based peer mentoring, with the strong focus on building developmental relationships.

I retired from my teaching career and developed 260 free short podcasts to encourage anyone mentoring young people—http://www.mentoringmatters.buzzsprout.com

Mentoring Minutes

Mentoring Minutes is a collation of years of research, as well as my experiences working with, and coaching over 1000 adolescents (and teachers)—in a variety of face-to-face relationships—and training over 1000 volunteer adult mentors from a variety of professions. Mentoring Minutes is linked to the most recent adolescent brain research.

My research of youth mentoring programs in a number of countries revealed that a major challenge of many programs was how to offer regular and ongoing training and support to their mentors, with the purpose of building meaningful developmental relationships with their mentees. I searched bookstores and other online resources and did not find anything to meet that specific need—and it is a need, highlighted in feedback I have received from mentors.

So, I decided to write this book, condense, update, convert the content of the podcasts into a user-friendly weekly reference of messages to fill this gap, and be an encouragement to mentors, and anyone else working with youth. I have included “Mentoring moments” at the end of each week.

Mentoring moments

“Mentoring moments” provide practical examples of how ordinary people, like me, are impacted by the power of the spirit of mentoring. Brief vignettes of my personal experiences as a mentor and mentee are woven through these “Mentoring moments.”

Unlike many young people, I was fortunate to have some significant adults move quickly alongside me at crucial times of my childhood, after I had major cancer surgery as a young boy, followed soon after by the sudden death of my mother. Later, as I gained in self-confidence, I approached adults I respected for encouragement and support. In reality they became my mentors, and helped shape, refine, coach, and guide me to chase my dreams and fulfill my potential.

All these mentors and coaches during my youth had been trained to work with youth. Most would have attended professional development workshops to keep them informed of youth-related research. In some ways, they give credence to Professor Jean Rhodes’4 belief that: “Rather than deliver interventions, mentors in nonspecific programs should be trained to support their mentee’s engagement in targeted, evidence-based interventions.”

These vignettes describe how my mentors sowed and nurtured the spirit of mentoring as they positively influenced different seasons of my life, and then how I have passed that mentoring baton on to others as best as I can. All the stories are true. The names of my mentors are their real names, though I have changed the names of those I have mentored to protect their privacy. Their actual words are shared, as examples of how to sow the seeds of the spirit of mentoring in the lives of those with whom we interact. Mentoring keeps me humble, and always open to new teaching.

I also share feedback from adolescent mentees, adolescent peer mentors, and volunteer adult mentors in these pages to highlight the power of mentoring our youth, and to encourage anyone with an interest in mentoring to take on an unforgettable challenge.

How to use this book

This user-friendly book has not been written as a book to read from cover to cover. Here are some suggestions for you to obtain the best value from the book.

•The daily messages cover fifty-two weeks of the year. There are five messages each week, including the “Mentoring moments.” The messages vary in length. I would encourage you to set up a discipline that works for you and allocate a few minutes to the days you read and reflect on the messages. You will feel more confident that you can develop a meaningful relationship with your mentee. Keep the book on your office desk, by your bed, or in a place where you can refer to it for a couple of minutes each day.

•The messages are arranged into general themes, which continue to work within a holistic framework—the development of the whole person. This structure allows you to use it as a reference should you want to look up a particular topic. However, if you are dealing with challenging issues, it is worth seeking the opinions of professionals, or more experienced people.

•Parents and teachers of adolescents can remind themselves each day of the challenges young people face. Some strategies and tips will be helpful. A message can provide encouragement and important reinforcement of methods they use to build relationships with youth.

•Grandparents are important role models in the lives of young people, though can feel out of touch with the world of youth. These messages fill most of those gaps, and also reinforce the important mentoring role they can undertake in the lives of young people, many of whom turn naturally to the older generation for encouragement, guidance, and a sympathetic ear.

•The book can be used by youth mentoring programs, and other youth organizations as part of their ongoing training. The content can be used for discussion topics when groups of mentees meet during the mentoring experience.

•Schools and education institutions can use the book as a user-friendly resource for staff—including non-teaching staff—who interact with youth each day.

•You can add your own notes on the relevant pages and create a valuable mentoring reference book.

Each week begins with a well-known quote to encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your life, as well as the life of your mentee. Each daily message focuses on an aspect of youth mentoring linked to a weekly theme. The core topics covered are: an outline of the history of mentoring and its relevance in the lives of twenty-first century youth; how to become a great mentor; understanding youth issues; self-image; goal setting; communication; resiliency; and how to positively resolve conflicts.

Many strategies for the development and maintenance of a meaningful relationship with your mentee are offered. Each Mentoring Minute finishes with a “Mentoring tip”—a sentence or two which simply reinforces a key aspect of a quality mentoring relationship, and aims to encourage you, and remind you of your value as a youth mentor.

Mentors can adapt the ideas and thinking behind the messages to their communities, with the understanding that not all strategies and suggestions are applicable to youth mentoring programs offered within different socio-economic areas and cultural groups.

Repetition of content

There is repetition throughout the Mentoring Minutes messages. This is deliberate. Repetition is important if a mentoring relationship is to become meaningful and worthy of the time invested in it by the mentor and the mentee.

Repetition is also necessary because every relationship is unique and moves at a different pace for a variety of reasons which are explained in the Mentoring Minutes messages. These messages and the “Mentoring moments” take account of this reality.

A tribute to my mentor

Who were the most important and positive adults during your adolescence other than your parents—not the case in every young person’s upbringing? Can you think of the most significant adult? Someone who took on a mentoring role as advocated by mentoring expert Dr. Susan Weinberger5:

Mentors need to show their mentees that they really care about them. This can be accomplished when a mentor is there for a mentee, serves as their number one advocate, is a good listener, provides consistency and commitment to the relationship and is a friend, confidant, and nurturer. What is the most important role of a mentor? Be a good listener. I always say in my trainings: ‘We have two ears and one mouth so listen twice as much as you talk.’

Anthony Mallett was my high school principal. He was my cricket coach when I was fifteen years of age. I was a student leader in his leadership team when I was seventeen, and then school captain (head student) in my final year of school. Anthony became my mentor during this particular season of my life.

Later, I spent two years as a student tutor at my old school while I completed my teaching degree, so Anthony and I had many opportunities to chat when our paths crossed. I also taught for two years at the school under Anthony’s leadership.

Anthony was a superb teacher, brilliant sportsman and coach, a leader of some repute, and an exceptional actor. I will never forget the small role I had in a staff play when I was on stage with him—a laugh a minute for the audience and Anthony, certainly not for me!

Anthony coached me how to think and strategize as a cricket captain, never to give up, and always play to win within the spirit of the game. He did not like to lose, yet modeled how to be gracious in defeat.

Anthony coached me to be true to myself, to have the courage of my convictions, to listen carefully to all sides of an argument, to stand tall in the face of adversity, never to fear respectfully sharing my thoughts and opinions with others, and to be a servant leader. He also coached me the importance of being teachable, to laugh often, and never to take life too seriously.

My final handwritten school report from Anthony has motivated and inspired me more times than I can remember. He saw something in me that I still sometimes struggle to see in myself. His comments continue to remind me never to accept a second-best effort, as well as the power of the written word, and the lifelong impact positive words can have.

Robin’s outstanding contribution to the school deserves the highest praise: he is a young man of deep sensitivity coupled with a tenacity of purpose that will make him a really able person. He has led his school by sheer example and personality; he has learnt to view situations broadly and to have his advice discarded in favor of the wider perspective. I shall miss him as a friend, and the school will miss him as a leader of considerable stature. Good luck—but not goodbye!

I became a school principal of a school in Cape Town situated less than ten minutes from Anthony’s retirement home. He had taught at the school for a brief time after retiring as a school principal.

I will never forget a cold wintry afternoon when I was working late. Anthony must have seen the light on in my office. He often used to walk around the school grounds. A short, sharp knock on the door, and Anthony popped his head in. For the next half-an-hour or more he sat on the edge of my desk, and we chatted about education and life—the mentor and the mentee who now sat in the principal’s chair.

My intention was to ask Anthony to mentor me in the months ahead. He was trustworthy, had a sharp mind, enjoyed a challenging conversation, and had much experience and wisdom to share. Sadly, soon after that visit Anthony’s cancer gained a firm foothold on his body, and he died a few months later.

I know how proud he was to see one of his former students eventually become a school principal—now I pass on the legacy, as I echo the powerful words of business executive Lenny Springs6:

We are still being mentored. If you look at each of us [in this organization], someone in our lives recognized us, told us that we could achieve and be somebody. Success doesn’t just happen. It’s not the luck of the draw. We are all standing on other people’s shoulders. And I can’t forget that. I won’t forget it. That’s why I give back, because someone paved the way for me.

Have you thought about whose shoulders you are standing on? Perhaps you have, and that is why you picked up this book.

I hope you enjoy and gain inspiration and encouragement from the Mentoring Minutes messages, and will continue to remind yourself—through the highs and lows of your relationship with your mentee—that every adolescent is a unique person with specific strengths, gifts, and talents that need to be nurtured and supported.

Thank you to all the amazing mentors within our global community who become the light in the darkness of others and, through their example, model the spirit of mentoring.