Читать книгу Christmas With The Single Dad - Sarah Morgan, Michelle Douglas - Страница 14

NICOLA couldn’t look at Cade after she’d uttered those words. His shocked intake of breath told her all she needed to know.

Along with the silence.

She hated that kind of silence. She’d dealt with too much of it these past three months. ‘We’re all still friends. Brad and Diane didn’t mean for it to happen. They didn’t mean to hurt me.’

‘How very adult of you,’ he ground out wryly.

She grimaced. He was right. She sounded like a B-grade actor in some corny nineteen-eighties telemovie.

When she glanced at him she recognised the flare of anger in his eyes and she knew it was directed at Brad and Diane, not at her. And God forgive her, but it made her feel good.

The thing was, they hadn’t meant to hurt her. She knew that.

But they had.

They’d crushed something vital inside her and she didn’t know how to get it back.

‘They announced their engagement last month and that’s when I realised I couldn’t spend Christmas in Melbourne this year. Without meaning to, I’d ruin it for everyone. A lot of our set are angry with them, but are following my lead because I’ve asked them to. If I’d stayed I wouldn’t have been able to keep the brave face up. It would’ve created a division in the group and I don’t want that. It’s not fair to force people to take sides.’

‘So you applied for a job and came out here.’

Her lips twisted and an apology welled inside her. ‘With all my Christmas spirit, I’m afraid.’ And that had hardly been fair either, had it? She glanced down at her hands. ‘When I arrived you asked me if I was running away from something. I’m not running away. I’m just taking a break and gathering my resources before I have to face it all again.’

He nodded, but didn’t say anything.

She bit back a sigh. ‘I’m sorry. I can see now that was hardly fair of me. I thought I’d be in the background out here and not of much consequence.’ Her actions suddenly seemed horribly selfish and self absorbed.

Cade still didn’t say anything.

She winced. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

He didn’t answer that either. Her heart started to pound. She glanced at him. He glared back at her. ‘So what the hell is with the getting fit and losing weight thing?’

Oh.

She swallowed and stared out into the night, unable to look at him. The glory of the stars still awed her. She wanted to reach out and touch one, clasp it in her hand and make a wish.

A childish fantasy, but no more childish than believing she could’ve built a life with Brad.

‘Nicola?’

She bit back a sigh. ‘I’ve come up with a plan to make myself over and improve myself.’

He shifted on his seat. ‘You’ve what?’

She was proud she didn’t flinch at his incredulity. She kept her eyes fixed on the brightest star. ‘Strong in body, strong in mind. At least, that’s the idea.’

‘What are you hoping to achieve?’

He spoke those words much quieter and it took an effort to keep her focus on the starlit sky and not turn to him. ‘I want to look better, I want to feel better, and I want people to stop looking at me like I’m a victim. I want to develop some smarts. I didn’t see the Brad and Diane thing coming at all. It was a bolt from the blue.’ She straightened. ‘And I want to develop some … some poise and self-possession. That way everybody will stop feeling sorry for me, they’ll respect me, and I’ll be able to … move on.’

‘Nicola?’

She gave in and looked at him.

‘Change is fine, but don’t take it too far. Making sure you’re not taken for granted doesn’t have to translate into being unfriendly.’

Her jaw dropped. ‘Is that how I’ve come across?’

One of those broad shoulders of his lifted. She went back over all their earlier encounters. She considered the way she’d kept everyone here at arm’s length and her cheeks started to burn. ‘I’m not getting the balance right, am I?’

‘It could use some work.’

Changing was proving a whole lot harder than she’d initially envisaged. ‘What I need is a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand or a genie to grant me three wishes,’ she sighed.

‘And what would you wish for?’

‘To be fit and healthy.’ Which translated to thin, but that seemed far too shallow to say out loud. ‘To have the poise and chutzpah to carry myself with confidence,’ regardless of how she was actually feeling. ‘And … and to stop burying my head in the sand, to realise what’s right under my nose and face reality.’ And to stop feeling so angry, she added silently.

‘That’s all very noble,’ he drawled. ‘Now give me the other wish list.’

She spun to face him. How could he know? And then she remembered all he’d been through with Fran and his marriage breakup. Her mouth dried. ‘The less admirable list?’

‘That’s the one.’

How badly would he think of her if she uttered those things out loud? Then she remembered she was through with caring what people thought of her.

She frowned. She was through with caring so much about what people thought of her. She would find the right balance. Eventually.

‘Okay, out with it.’

She swallowed. ‘I really, really, really want to look good at their wedding. I want them to feel bad that their happiness has come at my expense, but at the same time I want them to admire me and … and to miss me. Because, yes, while we’re still friends, things have changed and no matter how hard I try I can’t make them go back to the way they were before.’

He stared at her. She pushed her hair off her face and tried to shove her self-consciousness to a place where it couldn’t plague her. But … He thought her shallow now, didn’t he? And weak. She tossed her head. ‘What?’ she demanded, losing the battle.

‘You didn’t ask for Brad back.’

‘I don’t want him back.’ If she said it often enough, eventually she’d believe it. And it was partly true. Who wanted a cheating spouse who didn’t really love them? But …

Oh, how she ached for the promise of the life they could’ve had—the home, the babies, the laughter. The belonging.

Her eyes burned. She blinked hard and forced her chin up. ‘I want a hot date for the wedding. That way, no one will feel sorry for me.’ Not that she had any idea where to find a hot date, mind.

‘You want to look gorgeous. You want to be able to hold your head high, and you want a hunky man at your side.’

She nodded.

‘None of those things are ignoble.’

She glanced at him and swallowed. ‘I was going to say that the moment Diane saw me again I wanted her to worry that I could steal Brad away from her if I chose to, and that the moment Brad clapped eyes on me again he’d start to wonder if he’d chosen the wrong woman.’

‘But?’

‘But it’s not true. Not really. I just get irrationally angry sometimes.’ She glanced down at her hands. ‘I do actually hope their marriage is happy and strong. I wish them both well.’

He sat back and stared. ‘The anger isn’t irrational.’

A part of her agreed, but … ‘It comes out of the blue sometimes when I’m not expecting it. It’s so … bitter and unforgiving. I hate feeling like that.’

‘It’ll get easier with time.’

She hoped so.

He was silent for a while, then leant forward to rest his elbows on his knees. ‘How about you and I make a deal?’

She raised her eyebrows. ‘A deal?’

‘I will help you get fit, and I’ll do what I can to aid your makeover plans … and I’ll also be your date for the wedding.’

Her jaw dropped. He’d be her date? But … An immediate image of her friends’ surprise—Diane and Brad’s surprise—flooded her.

‘And in return …’

She pressed a hand to her chest to counter its sudden and erratic pounding. ‘In return?’ Her voice had gone hoarse.

‘And in return you’ll help me make this Christmas and the holidays fabulous for Ella and Holly, and the rest of my family.’

Her heart kept right on pounding. ‘Asking you to be my date, Cade, is too much.’

‘Do you have someone else in mind for the job?’

‘Well, no, but—’

‘Call it a Christmas bonus.’

She wanted him as her date for that far-off wedding. His mere presence would fill her with confidence. Somewhere in the past week or so, his confidence and self-possession had become her blueprint for what she was working towards.

She cocked her head. ‘Okay, be specific. Exactly how is my Christmas cheer supposed to manifest itself?’ She was getting a lot out of this deal. She needed to know she could deliver her side of the bargain.

‘Help me and the kids decorate the house. Sing Christmas carols. Help the kids write letters to Santa. Help Ella make gifts for the family. And … and take part in all the revelry, whatever form that takes—charades, telling Christmas stories, whatever. I want you to act like one of the family.’

He would help with her makeover plan, plus he would be her date to the dreaded wedding, and all she had to do was be Christmassy? She imagined the expressions on Brad and Diane’s faces when she turned up at the wedding with Cade. She knew Diane so well. She knew exactly what Diane would think—hot, gorgeous hunk. Oh, yes, that would be very satisfying.

Shallow, yes, but satisfying as well.

To no longer be the object of all those furtive glances, those consoling pats on the arm, those ‘poor Nicola’ comments! Something inside her lifted.

Was he serious—all she had to do was be Christmassy? She stuck out a hand before he could change his mind. ‘You have yourself a deal.’

He closed his hand around hers. His grip was firm and she could feel the way he tempered his strength so as to not crush her fingers. He didn’t let go again immediately and her heart started up its silly pounding and erratic fluttering again.

‘Nicola …’

Her name was a caress in the warm night air. Brad had never uttered her name like that. Her heart pounded louder, harder. ‘Yes?’

‘I know your confidence has taken a beating, and I respect the fact that you’d like to get fit, but as for your weight … and everything else, I don’t think you need to change a damn thing.’

For a moment she actually believed he was sincere.

Oh, Nicola Ann, the man’s a comedian!

She flinched as she imagined her mother’s scornful laughter. She pulled her hand from his and leapt up, moving across to the nearest veranda post. She wrapped her hands around it. ‘Is that a way of saying you’ll help me with my makeover plan, but as you don’t think I need to change there’s nothing you need to actually do?’

‘Damn it, no!’

He shot to his feet and strode across to her, gripping her chin in his hand to force her to meet his gaze. ‘You’re a hell of an infuriating woman, you know that?’

Infuriating was better than pitiful.

His face softened as he stared down at her. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured, his touch on her chin becoming gentle. ‘I shouldn’t have snapped.’

‘I … um …’ She swallowed. ‘I’m probably a touch sensitive,’ she allowed.

‘A person doesn’t bounce back just like that after the kind of blow you’ve suffered, Nicola. But you don’t need to change and eventually you’ll see I’m right.’

She doubted that, but she couldn’t utter a single sound. Under his fingers her skin had leapt to life. His thumb traced the skin beneath her bottom lip. It made her drag in a breath that made her whole body tremble.

‘You have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen,’ he murmured.

It wasn’t her eyes he was staring at, but her mouth. And he was staring at it as if he was hungry, as if he was starved. That gaze held her spellbound. It promptly cut off her mother’s disbelieving comments and hurtful contradictions. She should step away. She should flee. She knew that in some deep, dark recess of her mind, but her hand curled about the veranda post all the more tightly to anchor her into place.

Cade had become the brightest star in the night and she wanted to bask in the glow of his warmth and his … desire. Even if for only ten seconds more.

His free hand travelled down the post until he found her hand. He closed it around hers. He stepped in so close their chests touched. ‘You smell like strawberry jam.’

She tried to ask him if that was a good thing, but her throat wouldn’t work. All that happened was her lips parted.

And that he saw them part.

And knew what it meant.

His eyes glittered. His mouth took on a wolfish edge of satisfaction. He brushed his thumb over her bottom lip. She gasped and a low rumble of approval emerged from his chest.

‘Amazing eyes,’ he repeated. ‘Hair that shines in the starlight.’ His thumb stopped alternately tormenting and pleasing her lips as his hand drifted around the back of her neck to slide into the hair at the base of her skull. He tipped her head back so he could devour her face with his gaze, and she let him.

He was going to kiss her. She knew he was going to kiss her. She hovered between breaths, waiting for it, waiting to welcome it … hungering for it.

And from the glittering satisfaction in his eyes she could tell that he’d read that thought in her eyes—that she wanted it as much as he did, that there would be no argument or resistance.

His mouth descended. The pressure of his hand at her nape partly lifted her to meet him, demanded that she meet him.

And she did, with her lips ready to taste him completely.

The kiss was not tentative on either side—it was assured and demanding. Nicola was twenty-seven years old but she had never had such a blatantly adult kiss in all that time.

Had never enjoyed such a blatantly adult kiss. There was no game playing and no teasing or preliminaries. A question had been asked. An answer given. And then the thorough enjoyment, a wholehearted participation in the slaking of a mutual need.

And the pleasure rocked her to her toes. She clutched his upper arms, not aware of when she’d moved, his heat and strength rippling through the thin cotton of his shirt to her palms and fingers, filling her with a sense of invincibility. His arm snaked around her waist—to pull her more firmly against him or to give her support? She didn’t know and she didn’t care. She was simply grateful that it gave her the freedom to dance her fingers across his throat, to smooth them over his shoulders and then plunge them into his hair to pull him closer.

The kiss went on and on and it filled her with energy and strength and the yearning for more … so much more!

Eventually Cade lifted his head, but he didn’t remove his arm from around her waist. She didn’t remove hers from around his neck. She met his gaze head on. With Cade she didn’t need to be coy.

His eyes didn’t waver from hers. ‘If this goes on for much longer we’re going to get to the point of no return,’ he rasped out.

She nodded.

His chest, pressed to hers, rose and fell. ‘I need to think about that.’

So did she.

In unspoken agreement they unclasped each other. Nicola moved back to the bench as reaction set in and her knees started to shake.

Did she want to take this any further? Did she want to go all the way with Cade? Oh, her body was in no doubt but what about her brain … and her heart?

He didn’t turn from where she’d left him. ‘I’m not ready for anything serious.’ He spoke to the night, but she knew the words were meant for her.

After all he’d revealed about his marriage and Fran, she wasn’t surprised. ‘I’m not either.’ It was the truth.

He turned. She could read the question in his eyes.

She’d come out here to focus on getting her life back together. A holiday fling, however brief, would deflect herfrom that. And her plan for self-improvement was important to her. She didn’t want to be the doormat her friends thought her or the failure her mother considered her.

She stood, her knees finally steady. ‘No.’

She sensed the relief that flashed through him, along with the frustration. He nodded once. He didn’t say anything.

‘If I slept with you it’d be partly as revenge on Brad and Diane. You might say you wouldn’t care about that.’ Men were all hormones and any excuse, right? ‘But I’d care.’

‘No, Nicola, you’re wrong. I’d resent being used like that.’

‘The other thing is, I don’t want to go falling for you on the rebound. My emotions are all over the place at the moment and I don’t trust them. I’m not ready for anything serious and I can say that till I’m blue in the face, but …’

‘But sometimes it’s impossible to keep things emotion-free and uncomplicated.’

‘Neither one of us needs complicated right now.’ The blood burned in rebellion in her veins. She swallowed and told herself she was doing the right thing. ‘Besides,’ she croaked, ‘you have the girls to consider.’

‘I do.’

‘And I don’t much trust the whole notion of romantic love any more. I think it’s a bubble that eventually gets burst. Down the track, hopefully, I’ll meet someone and get married because I want children, but I mean to go into the marriage with wide eyes and a clear head. My head at the moment isn’t clear.’

They eyed each other warily. ‘I’m sorry,’ she offered, because it felt as if she should apologise.

He gave an emphatic shake of his head. ‘The first lesson in PD101 is to never apologise for something that isn’t your fault. This isn’t anyone’s fault. Never apologise for being honest.’

‘PD?’

‘Personal Development.’

That sounded much grander than a makeover plan. ‘Personal development,’ she murmured. ‘I like it.’ With that she started to edge away. She might have finally screwed her head on right, but it didn’t counter the effect of Cade’s continued proximity. Her body clamoured for the feel of him, the touch of his lips and hands—his hardness pressed tight against her softness. And rather than diminishing, it was starting to increase. ‘I’ll … um … say goodnight then.’

‘Nicola?’

She turned at the question, adrift between him and the French windows to her bedroom. She clasped her hands together tightly.

‘When you said you wanted to go into marriage with a clear head, what did you mean?’

She didn’t move back towards him. That would be foolish. With the moon behind him, and from this distance, she couldn’t see his face clearly. ‘From what I’ve seen of relationships, there are those who do the giving and those who do the taking. Until now I’ve been one of the givers. In the future I’m going to be a taker. I mean to get precisely what I want out of any marriage.’

‘Take the poor sod to the cleaners, so to speak?’ The air whistled between his teeth. ‘Thank God you called a halt to things just then. They could’ve gotten darn messy.’

And just like that he’d made her laugh. ‘Don’t worry, Cade. You would never have made it into my sights.’ He was a lot of things, but a poor sod wasn’t one of them. ‘Given all you’ve been through, I doubt you’d ever want to dip your toe in matrimonial waters again.’

‘Damn right.’

‘So I wouldn’t have made the elementary mistake of thinking you were available.’

He shifted. She still couldn’t see his face clearly. ‘It seems to me that if your main reason for marrying is to have children, you could dispense with the middleman and use IVF instead. No point in putting yourself in a miserable relationship with a man you would neither respect or trust.’

She stilled. ‘You know, you’ve got a point there.’ She could dispense with the mess of romance for good. It was an intriguing idea. ‘Goodnight, Cade.’ She turned and headed for her room. This time he didn’t call her back.

Cade didn’t waste any time, he got to work on his side of the bargain the very next day. Nicola’s opinion of the human race was at an understandable low and he didn’t want to add to it. He wanted to prove to her that some people did keep their promises.

While she was busy outside with all four children playing some game that involved a lot of running, a lot of freezing and a whole lot of laughing, he dragged his mother and Delia into the kitchen, where Harry was preparing lunch.

Verity Hindmarsh glanced out of the window, attracted by the laughter of the children, and smiled. ‘Nicola is a gem.’

‘That she is,’ Harry huffed.

‘Awfully quiet, though,’ Delia mused. ‘But wonderful with Jamie and Simon.’

Jamie and Simon had recently turned five and had the kind of energy that could make Cade dizzy just watching them. Dee was enjoying the advantage of having another person to help out with them. Not that Cade blamed her or begrudged her, but he meant to make sure Nicola didn’t get lumped with more than her fair share of the work.

‘Nicola is what I want to talk to you about.’ As one they turned to survey him. He did his best not to fidget. ‘I found out recently that it’s not just the Outback she’s never experienced, but a big family Christmas. It’s just her and her mother who is rather over-critical, from what I can make out.’

Harry stopped chopping salad vegetables to glance out of the window. ‘Well, now, that makes sense. Probably why she’s got such a bee in her bonnet about exercising and losing weight.’

At the words ‘losing weight’, Harry instantly had the other two women’s attention.

‘She tried jogging around the property in the early morning, but …’ she flicked a glance at Cade ‘… but that didn’t work out so well. So Cade set her up in Fran’s old home gym.’

He didn’t know why, when all three women turned to look at him, he wanted to roll his shoulders and back out of the room. ‘Someone may as well use it,’ he mumbled. ‘She’s no gym junkie, though.’

Harry sliced through a lettuce with evident satisfaction. ‘So when he found out she’d always wanted to learn to ride, he set her up with Jack for lessons each morning.’

‘That was a lovely thing to do,’ his mother said. While he was no longer a seven-year-old, he found himself momentarily basking in the warmth of her approval. The kind of approval it seemed that Nicola had never received. ‘But why aren’t you teaching her yourself?’

That wasn’t something he was prepared to get into. ‘She and Jack have hit it off. He’s enjoying it.’

‘And Jack’s not getting any younger,’ Harry observed.

‘He’s still more than capable of putting in a full day’s work.’

‘Darling—’ his mother laid a hand on his arm, her eyes warm with a mixture of relief and delight ‘—I thought we’d lost you for ever after everything Fran did, but I can see now that’s not the case. I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you being your old self again.’

Fran’s betrayal had left a mark that would never go away. It had killed something inside him. But for Ella and Holly’s sake, he’d had to pull himself together. It occurred to him now just how much he’d put these three women through in the last year or so, but they’d stood beside him through it all. He glanced out of the window. He was lucky.

‘I know it’s been a bit of a long haul.’ He grimaced. ‘I’m sorry if I—’

‘No apologies necessary,’ his mother cut in. ‘Just tell me you’re over the worst of it.’

He nodded. ‘I’m through with looking back and trying to work out where it went wrong. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why Fran did what she did, but it’s time to look towards the future. From here on it’s onwards and upwards.’

‘And does a particular pretty nanny have anything to do with that?’ Delia asked archly.

‘For God’s sake, Dee, not everything is about sex and romance,’ he muttered in disgust.

Dee didn’t look convinced.

‘She’s a bit of a lost soul is all and I thought we might be able to …’

She cocked a wicked eyebrow again. ‘To?’

He refused to rise to the bait. ‘To make her feel at home here. To take her under our wing and … and make her feel better about herself.’

‘I think that’s a lovely plan,’ his mother said.

Cade shrugged and then glared at his sister. ‘One thing’s for sure, Nicola certainly doesn’t think she’s pretty, and she thinks she’s fat.’

Verity sighed. ‘Don’t we all.’

Harry snorted. ‘And some of us are a bit on the heavy side, but I know my worth.’

Dee had gone to the window. ‘She is pretty, but in a quieter way than Fran’s flashiness.’

He didn’t like the way she spoke about Nicola and Fran in the same sentence. It seemed wrong somehow. He didn’t say anything, though. He could just imagine what Dee would make of it if he did.

‘A haircut,’ she said, suddenly swinging back to face them. ‘Something that would make the most of her eyes. Mum?’

Verity hadn’t trained as a hairdresser, but she had a knack for it. When she’d lived at Waminda Downs all the station women in a three hundred kilometre radius would come to get their hair done by her.

Dee touched her hair. ‘I brought along a couple of bottles of permanent colour and a highlighting kit. I was hoping you’d do my hair for me while we were here, but we can use it on Nicola instead.’

He glanced from one to the other. They wanted to change her hair colour? There was nothing wrong with her hair.

Verity joined Dee at the window. ‘I believe I know the exact style that would suit her.’

‘Those clothes,’ Dee sighed.

‘Far too baggy,’ her mother agreed.

Harry winked at him. ‘Sounds like our Nic’s in good hands.’

She wasn’t his anything. He wanted that crystal-clear, but …

‘I don’t want you bullying her into something she doesn’t want.’

His mother swung around. ‘Of course not, darling. Harry, can you look after the children for a couple of hours this afternoon? Dee and I will help with dinner in return.’

‘No probs at all.’

‘And I don’t want you wrecking her.’ He thrust his jaw out. ‘She’s not a Barbie doll. Don’t go making her look all plastic and … and fake.’

Like Fran. The words hung in the air.

The three women exchanged glances but didn’t say anything.

‘And … and don’t make her feel like a charity case either.’ She’d hate that and he didn’t want to do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable. He hadn’t broken her confidence about her two-timing fiancé and back-stabbing girlfriend, but he had verbalised his opinion of her mother and he was pretty sure she wouldn’t have appreciated that. He shifted his weight from his heels to the balls of his feet. Now that he had his mother and Dee on board, conversely he wanted to protect Nicola from their ministrations and meddling.

Nicola didn’t need doing over or dollying up. As far as he was concerned, she was perfect the way she was. She was brilliant with his kids. She made them laugh but, more importantly, she made them feel secure.

And she kissed like an angel. Like a bad, bad angel, and just the memory of their kiss had his blood heating up.

‘Darling,’ his mother said, ‘do give us more credit than that.’

His mother was tact personified. And, despite how much she enjoyed teasing her older brother, so was Dee. They were kind, generous women. They wouldn’t do anything to make Nicola feel bad about herself.

He shoved his hands into his pockets. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to suggest … It’s just she’s been so good for Ella and Holly. I owe her for that.’

His mother nodded her understanding. Dee bit her lip. Harry set her knife down and threw him a challenge. ‘You know she still uses that blasted gym each afternoon when she puts the kiddies down for a nap.’

He stiffened. Then he set his shoulders. ‘I’ll think of something,’ he promised. He’d find something else in the exercise line she’d enjoy more.

‘In the meantime, we have this afternoon taken care of,’ Dee said, rubbing her hands together. ‘What fun!’

He glanced around at the three women and a grin full of reluctant admiration tugged at his lips. ‘I should’ve known I could count on you guys.’