Читать книгу Christmas With The Single Dad - Sarah Morgan, Michelle Douglas - Страница 16

NICOLA stared at Cade, sprawled at her feet and with a little cry she shook off her boxing gloves and knelt in the dirt beside him, wrung her hands before touching his face. ‘Oh, my God! Did I hurt you? Cade?’

Those blue eyes, normally so piercing, stared up at her, slightly dazed.

She’d meant to throw that punch, but she’d thought … Well, she’d thought he’d block it!

She swallowed. Who’d have thought she had such lightning reflexes? That punch had been fast … and … um … hard. Put your whole body behind it. Oh, she’d done that.

Nausea swirled through her. She’d thought he’d block her punch, but that didn’t change the fact that she’d lashed out in anger.

‘Cade?’

He didn’t speak. Guilt, regret and remorse pounded through her and, before she could think better of it, she pressed her lips to his in an effort to take away the pain, to communicate her remorse and apologise.

He smelled of dust and sweat and horses, which should have turned her off, only it didn’t. His lips were an intriguing combination of firmness and softness and they parted slightly as if he meant to deepen the kiss. Then he froze and his hands came up, gripped her arms and pushed her back as he sat up. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Kissing me better?’

His scorn almost scorched the flesh from her bones. ‘I …’

‘I’m not a child, Nicola.’

It was too much. His anger … Her guilt and remorse. That final punch had torn the lid off the emotions she’d bottled up for the last three months. She tugged herself out of his grip and stumbled blindly across to a wooden crate and collapsed on top of it, her back to Cade as she tried to tamp down on the pain and numbing sense of loss that cut deep inside her, but now that it was freed it seemed to grow in both volume and intensity.

She’d punched Cade in anger!

And then she’d kissed him. What on earth had she been thinking? The expression on his face …

I think your ex is a two-timing cheating scumbag and your best friend is a back-stabbing witch.

The words ripped off the poorly formed scab she’d tried to place over her heart and, try as she might, she couldn’t control the sudden shaking of her shoulders or the silent sobs that clawed free from her chest or the tears that scorched her cheeks as her body tried to find a way to lance the poison that tangled her in knotted torment. Dropping her head to her hands, she could do nothing but give into it.

Somewhere, in a dim place of her consciousness, she was aware of embarrassment and her mother’s scornful voice. Nicola Ann, pull yourself together! You’re not a child any more. What a display! You’re making a spectacle of yourself. But none of it had any effect. It didn’t stop the shaking and the sobs. It didn’t help the pain.

An arm went about her. Her face was pressed against the thick scratchy cotton of a work shirt encasing a warm chest that smelt of dirt and sweat and horse. A hand rubbed her back and a rich voice murmured words that didn’t make sense except for their rhythm and depth, and very slowly the pressure in her chest abated. The shaking of her shoulders slowed. The sobs eased and the tears dried.

She remained where she was, drawing as much comfort and strength as she could until the internal voices grew too loud to ignore and she finally drew back, scrubbing her hands across her face in an effort to erase the traces of her tears. She didn’t dare glance at Cade. Instinct told her his expression would score her too-vulnerable-at-the-moment heart, and she refused to cry again today. She’d need more deep breaths before she could face that.

‘I went too far.’ His voice broke the afternoon silence. ‘The thing is …’ he drew in a shaky breath ‘… I wanted to insult Brad and Diane. I don’t know them and I have no right to say anything, but I am so dirty with them for what they’ve done to you. Nobody deserves what they did. Especially not someone like you, Nicola.’

She had to look at him and he gave her a rueful half smile and it didn’t make her flinch or cringe. It helped her lift her chin and push her shoulders back a fraction.

‘I think,’ he continued, ‘you would be a great friend to have. And I think you were probably a lovely fiancé, and you sure as hell didn’t deserve what Brad and Diane did.’

His words put strength back into her spine. ‘No more than you deserved what Fran dished out to you.’ She moistened her lips and glanced down at her hands. ‘I’m sorry I hit you. Did I hurt you?’

He shook his head. ‘I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. But I deserved it. I was deliberately trying to rile you. You thought I was going to block it.’

‘I wasn’t thinking at all, that’s the problem. I just lashed out.’

They were both silent for a moment. She moistened her lips again. ‘Why were you trying to make me angry?’

One of his shoulders lifted. ‘I sensed you might need to vent some of your anger. I remember how angry I was in the months after Fran left and …’ He shrugged again. ‘I thought boxing would be more constructive than a treadmill.’ He eyed her for a moment. ‘It seems to me you’ve been bottling a lot of stuff up. It’s not healthy.’

‘I didn’t mean to. I …’ She rested her elbows on her knees and dragged her hands back through her hair. ‘It’s just that my two closest confidants were Diane and Brad, and they weren’t exactly available. And there was no way I was going to confide in my mother.’

‘What about your other friends?’

‘I didn’t want to cause a big rift among our set. I didn’t want people feeling they had to take sides.’ She straightened. ‘And the honest truth is, I don’t want to lose Diane and Brad as friends. I really don’t.’

Behind the blue of his eyes she could see his mind race, but he said nothing.

‘Diane and I go all the way back to our first day of school. Her family have been there for me all my life. They were a haven for me when my father died, and whenever my mother became too much, and … and just everything! I can’t turn my back on all that history just because she fell in love with Brad.’

‘That doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge your pain or your anger. If she values your friendship as much as you do, then it will survive that.’

‘And if she doesn’t?’ She spoke her real fear out loud for the first time.

Cade didn’t say anything, but she could read the answer in his eyes—if their friendship couldn’t survive her honesty, then it wasn’t worth saving.

She leapt up and started to pace. Gripping her hands together, she swung back to Cade. ‘You know, I could’ve dealt with all of this so much better if they’d just been honest with me from the get-go. Instead, they kept meeting up behind my back for months before Diane eventually confessed what had happened. Brad didn’t even have the courage to show his face that evening.’ She flung an arm out and then started to pace again. ‘I know they didn’t want to hurt me, I truly believe that, but to let it all go on for so long without telling me …’

She folded her arms and paced harder, faster. ‘That made me angry. That made me feel like a fool, like an idiot they didn’t have any respect for. I …’ She gripped her upper arms. ‘I kept wondering what on earth I’d done wrong, how had I managed to so spectacularly alienate them. Had I neglected them? Had I not picked up on key signals? I mean, Diane told me that I had always been too needy and that she felt pressured, but …’ She swallowed and lifted her chin. ‘I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?’

Cade shot to his feet. ‘Hell, no!’ He cupped her face in his hands. ‘You didn’t do one damn thing wrong.’

His eyes blazed with a ferocity, an intensity that did her soul and her confidence no end of good. ‘Oh, hell, Cade.’

His eyes narrowed. ‘What?’

‘I said I’d be her bridesmaid,’ she whispered.

Just for a moment his entire face went slack in shock. Very gently she disengaged herself from his hands. It seemed wiser not to get too close. Or needy. Because there had been a thread of truth in Diane’s accusation, and Nicola had no intention of transferring her neediness to Cade.

‘And I’m starting to think that maybe that was a crazy thing to agree to.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘You think?’

She collapsed back down to the crate, her shoulders sagging. ‘The thing is, we always said we’d be each other’s bridesmaids—best friends forever and all that jazz, but …’ She glanced across at Cade as he sat back down beside her. ‘But now I don’t think I can do it.’ She swallowed. ‘I don’t want to do it.’

‘Why did you say you would?’

‘Because I do wish Diane and Brad well. I know I sound contradictory and conflicted, and that I’m angry and hurt.’ She stared at her hands. ‘But I really do hope they’ll be happy. I agreed to be her bridesmaid because I wanted to prove that we could still be friends. And I thought that a show of solidarity like that would help prevent a falling-out among all our other friends.’

‘And what’s changed?’

She thought long and hard about that. ‘I still want them to be happy, but it doesn’t seem fair that I should be the one to tie myself into knots to make that happen. Their happiness is up to them, not me.’

She blinked and a weight lifted from her as she said the words—a load of guilt and pressure she hadn’t even been aware that she carried.

‘Anything else?’

‘I can’t make our friendship go back to the way it was before all this happened. No matter what I do. No matter how much I want it to.’

She pressed a hand to her chest to ease the sudden burning there, drew in a deep breath and blinked hard. When she was sure her voice was steady, she said, ‘Those are the cold, hard facts, I’m afraid, and they need to be faced.’ She couldn’t hide from the truth any longer.

He reached out and squeezed her hand. ‘I’m sorry, Nicola.’

‘Me too.’

They sat like that for a moment. The shade that settled throughout the barn soothed her, as did the whickering of the horses in the nearby stable and the stamping of their feet. It reminded her that she had a ride to look forward to in the morning. A ride she could look forward to for every single day that she remained at Waminda. She might be down, but she wasn’t out.

‘What are you going to do?’ Cade eventually asked.

‘I have to let Diane know—tell her as soon as I can that I can’t be her bridesmaid so she can make other arrangements.’ And she couldn’t do it by email from her laptop. She would have to speak to her friend. If not face to face, then at least ear to ear. ‘Do you mind if I use the satellite phone this evening?’

‘You’re welcome to use it whenever you want.’

‘Thank you.’ She rose. ‘I … um … I really ought to see to Ella and Holly now. But … Cade, thank you. All of this helped and I want you to know that I appreciate it.’

‘You’re welcome.’

She started to walk away and then stopped and turned back. ‘About that kiss …’

He leaned back on his crate and a slow smile hitched up one side of his mouth. ‘I lied. It sure as heck made me feel a whole lot better.’ His body angled towards her in open invitation. Her eyes widened. Her mouth went dry. ‘Any time you want to repeat it, you can bet that I’ll be willing and able.’

She picked up the boxing gloves and hurled them at him. His laughter followed her all the way outside. She found herself grinning as she strode towards the house.

Later that evening, Cade waited for Nicola to emerge from his study. The rest of the family had decided on an early night and the house was quiet and still. Nicola pulled up short when she saw him.

He raked his gaze across her face and his heart clenched. She looked pale and worn out. ‘How did it go?’

He spoke softly, using the same tone he used when handling a spirited horse that had been spooked. Nicola’s shattered confidence, her self-belief, didn’t need another battering, and he’d had no intention of retiring before finding out how her phone call with Diane had gone.

Her face crumpled and he held his arms open. She walked into them and he held her close—felt every breath she took as she fought for composure. He couldn’t believe how right it felt to have her there.

Not that he had any intention of getting used to it—he was being a friend, that was all—but as the scent of strawberry jam drifted around him, all he could remember was the warmth of her lips as they’d touched his this afternoon, and the rush of sweetness that had stolen through him.

Long before he was ready to let her go she stepped back, forcing him to drop his arms. ‘You didn’t have to wait up for me.’

‘Thought you could use a friend.’ He held up two beers. ‘And I thought you could use one of these.’

She eyed the beer hungrily. ‘Bad for the diet,’ she murmured.

‘To hell with the diet.’ He grabbed her hand and hauled her through the nearest set of French windows and outside into the almost cool of the night. Not that it was ever properly cool out here in December.

‘Sit.’ He pointed to the front step and handed her a beer. ‘Drink and enjoy.’

A laugh gurgled out of her. ‘Aye, aye, Captain.’

He planted himself on the step beside her. They cracked their beers open at exactly the same moment, touched them in a silent toast and then drank deeply.

With a sigh, Nicola stretched her legs out and stared up at the night sky, her face pensive. He dragged his gaze from her lips and took another pull on his beer. ‘So it was a bit rough, huh?’

‘She cried. She accused me of wanting to ruin her big day. Once she got over the initial shock she apologised, said she understood, but …’

His beer halted halfway to his mouth. ‘But?’

She glanced at him. ‘It just cemented that our friendship will never be the same again.’

Her sadness tugged at the sore spaces inside him. ‘Maybe not, but it doesn’t mean you can’t still be good friends, that you can’t enjoy each other’s company. It’ll just be different. And I promise it will get easier with time.’

She stared at her beer. ‘I guess you’re right.’

From the light that spilled from the house and the light from the stars, he could see her face clearly. The plump full promise of her lips made things inside him clench up. The question that had been burning through him since she’d landed her punch this afternoon burst free from suddenly dry lips. ‘What about Brad?’

She turned to him. ‘What about him? I didn’t speak to him, if that’s what you mean.’

But had she wanted to? Had she hoped Brad might answer the phone? Did she secretly yearn that more than her friendship with Diane could be salvaged? Did she want Brad back?

Bile rose in his throat. ‘Do you still love him?’

‘I … I still care for him as a friend. He was a big part of my life for two years.’

‘But if he came to you now and said he’d made a mistake and wanted to get back together with you, would you rush back into his arms?’

‘I used to think that’s what I wanted.’

‘But?’

She turned those glorious eyes of hers on him and everything inside him tightened up. She opened her mouth. She closed it again. And then she blinked as if she’d just realised something stupendous. ‘Heavens! It seems the sad fact of the matter is …’ she tilted her beer at him in a kind of salute ‘… is that I miss Diane more than I miss Brad.’

He stared at her.

She stared back.

Then she snorted.

He couldn’t help it. Suddenly his shoulders started to shake, and then they were both flat on their backs on the veranda laughing so hard he thought they’d wake the dead, or at the very least the rest of his family—and he knew exactly what his mother and Dee would make of this—but not even that thought could get his mirth back under control. Every time he thought he had it, she’d snigger, or he would, and they’d be off again.

Somewhere along the way her hand had found its way into his, but he didn’t know if she had initiated the contact or if he had.

He remembered the way her lips had felt on his this afternoon. His lips ached. His groin ached. Damn it, even his skin ached.

Grinning, Nicola pushed up into a sitting position. All of the reserved hardness that she’d stepped off the plane with gone. He remained where he was, his grip around her hand tightening. He wanted a repeat performance of this afternoon, craved her kiss, her touch. All he’d have to do was tug and she’d fall sprawled across his chest.

He craved to taste the laughter on her lips. He hungered to sample her sweetness once more. He ached to have the full sweet temptation of her pressed up against him.

She glanced down at him and slowly the sparkle left her eyes, the generous smile faltered and disappeared. She pulled her hand free.

Disappointment flushed through him, and something darker and more insistent. He pushed up into a sitting position too. ‘Scared?’ he taunted, though he knew that was hardly fair.

She tilted her head back and took another swig of her beer. ‘How long is it since you’ve been with a woman?’

The question took him off guard. He scowled. ‘That’s none of your damn business.’

‘And yet you’re inviting me to share your bed and your body.’

‘And you’re going to refuse and turn me down.’ He could read her as well as it seemed she could read him.

‘Sleeping with me won’t prove you’re over Fran.’

He blinked, stiffened. What the hell …?

Her eyes flashed. ‘How about you answer your own question? If Fran turned up here tomorrow and wanted to give your marriage another try, what would you do?’

He reared back as if she’d struck him. ‘That’s not going to happen.’

‘That’s the exact same answer I could’ve given you about Brad.’

She rose. His heart pounded. He didn’t speak. Couldn’t. The desire that had flooded him two seconds ago drained away.

Fran was Ella and Holly’s mother. He owed them. If Fran came back, he’d owe it to his two daughters to give the marriage another shot.

But …

His hands clenched.

‘Thanks for the beer, Cade. Goodnight.’

Nicola left and he couldn’t even manage to croak a goodnight after her.

If Fran came back …

He slashed a hand through the air. Fran was never coming back and he could taste the bitterness of that knowledge on his tongue. Ella and Holly no longer had a mother. He’d failed them.

His hand clenched around his beer. He scowled into the night. He wouldn’t fail them again, though.

He downed the rest of his beer and considered his intriguing nanny’s strategic retreat. She wasn’t immune to him. He’d felt it in her kiss. In both kisses they’d shared so far. He felt it in her gaze when she didn’t think he was paying her any heed. It arced between them, unspoken, whenever their eyes locked.

He shook his head. Nicola was wrong. Things didn’t have to get complicated between them. Some uncomplicated adult Christmas fun could be exactly what the doctor ordered. It’d provide them—him—with a much-needed release, and he’d make damn sure that it restored her confidence. Win-win.

He nodded once, hard. He had every intention of bringing Nicola around to his way of thinking as soon as he could. First, though, he’d give her some space.

Cade didn’t offer to give her a boxing lesson the next afternoon. Not that Nicola expected him to. She went back to the treadmill, and to glaring at the rowing machine … and to lecturing herself.

She had to remain strong.

Sleeping with Cade … A betraying thrill shot through her. She increased the speed of the treadmill and gritted her teeth. Sleeping with Cade would undo all she’d accomplished so far. It would make a mockery of her growing sense of self-sufficiency and the realisation that she was responsible for her own happiness.

She loved her friends, she needed them, but she could rely on herself too. If she made love with Cade she would be in danger of transferring all her misplaced need to him instead of learning to stand on her own two feet first.

Developing her self-reliance and inner strength was more important than physical release and temporary pleasure.

She gritted her teeth and increased the speed of the treadmill yet again.

Nicola’s eyes narrowed a couple of nights later as she watched Cade give Ella yet another sweet. She caught his eye and shook her head, but he ignored her.

They hadn’t long finished a noisy game of charades and the children were buzzing and jumping, primarily due to Cade’s influence. It was beyond time that they started to quieten down and get ready for bed.

He gave Ella yet another sweet. Nicola refused to let her gaze stray to the bowl of chocolate sultanas. ‘You’ll make her sick,’ she chided.

‘Nonsense! Just because you won’t relax and allow yourself a few chocolate sultanas doesn’t mean the rest of us have to abstain.’

‘Cade!’ his mother chided.

Nicola shifted on her chair. How on earth did he know about her battle with those darn sultanas?

With a giggle, Ella climbed up onto her father’s lap and requested, and was given, another sweet. She grinned in triumph at Nicola.

Little monkey! But Nicola could hardly remonstrate with her. Besides, it wasn’t the child’s fault but Cade’s. ‘Bedtime soon,’ she said instead.

‘Nooooo,’ Ella wailed. ‘Daddy, Daddy, can’t we stay up a bit longer?’

She was about to tell Ella that it was already an hour after her bedtime, but Cade merely said, ‘Sure, sweetheart. It’s Christmastime, of course you can stay up.’

He broke into a rowdy Christmas carol. Ella promptly slid off his lap to dance with Jamie and Simon. Holly, who had started to fall asleep in Cade’s other arm, promptly woke up and squealed in excitement and demanded to join in … with two sweets—one for each hand.

Nicola gritted her teeth and subsided into her chair. All of the children would be grumpy and out of sorts tomorrow. When Cade handed out more sweets and chocolates she had to get up and leave the room.

One savage tug had the refrigerator door swinging open. She seized a jug of iced water and helped herself to a glass to cool off. Cade was trying to make this Christmas memorable for his children. He wasn’t flouting bedtime and mealtimes just to annoy her.

She scowled and slouched against the counter. Not that he’d be the one to deal with the fallout. He’d leave that to the hired help.

She snorted. Get over yourself, Nicola Ann. She used her mother’s moniker for her. You’re just grumpy because Cade has avoided you ever since that beer on the front steps.

When what you want him to do is pursue you harder.

She snapped upright. No, she didn’t!

‘I thought I’d find you sulking in here.’

Cade.

She turned. ‘What? Have you had enough of revving the kids up for one night and now you’re heading off to bed and leaving Dee, your mother and I to deal with four hyperactive children?’

‘Loosen up, Nicola, and give the kids a break. It’s Christmas. They’re allowed to have some fun and to enjoy the season.’

‘Within limits,’ she shot back. ‘Kids thrive on routine. Too many late nights and too many sweets will—’

‘You mean that you thrive on routine, that you thrive on the safe option.’

That was when she knew they were no longer talking about the children.

‘Seems to me you don’t have any room in this makeover plan of yours for any spontaneity whatsoever. You stick to the plan and refuse to deviate.’

Cade was talking about what had almost happened between them and would be happening between them right now if she’d said yes instead of no the other night.

‘Funny.’ Her voice had gone tight and she had to swallow. ‘I never picked you for a sore loser.’

The laugh he gave was harsh. ‘This is about you, not me. It’s about you refusing to let go and loosen up.’

She leaned forward and poked him in the chest. ‘No, this is about you equating my loosening up, as you call it, with whether I’ll sleep with you or not.’

‘I’m not that pathetic.’

‘Really?’ She folded her arms. ‘That night you told me you thought I needed a friend—that’s the role you were playing—but you didn’t really mean it, did you?’ Her voice wobbled and she winced at the vulnerability that stretched through it. ‘A real friend wants what’s best for their friends. They don’t want to see them do something that will hurt them.’

His hands clenched, his muscles stiffened and all she could think of was the way he’d held her when she’d cried, the concern in his eyes when she’d emerged from his study after her phone call to Diane.

‘Look at me, Cade,’ she insisted. ‘I’m a mess! You’re letting your frustration and your hormones override your judgement. You know all the reasons why we shouldn’t …’ She waved a hand to indicate what it was they shouldn’t be doing. ‘But you’re still crazy angry with me. Well, let me plant one seriously scary picture in your mind.’

He’d gone still. She had to pause to drag in a breath. ‘I might’ve come to the conclusion that Brad and I are better off apart, but it doesn’t mean I’ve reconciled myself to the loss of the life I’d planned and dreamed about or to the children I dreamed of having.’

She closed her eyes against a rush of pain. When she opened them again she saw that Cade’s shoulders had slumped. She had to swallow before she could continue. ‘I want children so bad that some days I can’t see straight. My head is not screwed on right at the moment.’ She hitched up her chin. ‘Say we do start an affair. What if that yearning takes me over? What if we’re not as careful as we might be one time and then we’re dealing with that? Do you want to be a part of that?’ she asked hoarsely.

‘No.’

‘Me neither.’

Neither of them moved. Neither of them said a word.

‘Can I put the children to bed now?’ she whispered.

‘Please.’ He nodded, his voice as hoarse as hers.

She fled before she could do anything stupid like kiss him.