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Discovering Your Parenting Style

One thing I’ve learned after four decades working with literally thousands of families from all walks of life and in all kinds of circumstances is this – there isn’t one perfect way of parenting; every single baby and family is unique. It is the parents or the person who is the main carer for a child who has the greatest insight into the needs of their Little One.

I promise you, no matter who you are or how things might look from the outside, every good parent has doubts about their abilities or the choices they are making. One way you could use this book is as a companion that offers solutions to help you find your parenting style and to give you reassurance when you need it, so you can be the parent you want to be. Feeling confident, authentic and positive about your role as a parent is key to building a loving relationship with your child. If there is one thing I’d like this book to achieve, it would be to help parents trust themselves and enjoy their time with their baby, because they grow so fast.

I have a simple philosophy underlying all my parenting advice: babies who have a strong attachment to their mothers (or the main caregiver) are more likely to grow into happy children, adolescents and adults who have a good relationship with you and will turn to you in times of need and celebrate with you in times of joy. It sounds simplistic but I do believe that when parents love and nurture their children the result is a happy baby, as well as happy mums and dads; and ultimately this results in happier families and a better society.

In this book we’ll look at practical care from birth until your baby’s first birthday. At first life will revolve around feeding, trying to get them to sleep and an endless stream of dirty nappies, but things do change rapidly during your baby’s first year. Experience has shown me that it is helpful for mums and dads to know what to expect and to have some solutions for dealing with common problems. We’ll look at what it means when a baby is behaving in a certain way, what you can do to help your baby, and how the approach you take will reinforce your Little One’s ever-growing sense of attachment to you.

The one-to-one service I offered as a health visitor cannot be fully replicated in this book, as so much comes out of having an ongoing conversation with mums and dads. I don’t think there has ever been a single mum who would have received all the advice that’s in here, because she wouldn’t have needed it. It is unrealistic and unhelpful to suggest there is one way of caring for a baby. To create the expectation that there is a single right way of doing things doesn’t help parents, and it doesn’t help babies – it just makes people feel angry or anxious.

Many parents want to learn more about their child’s development and the practical and emotional needs of their baby – but where do you start? There is so much information but often it doesn’t go into the detail you may need, and you aren’t always sure of the authority of the person who’s written it. When it comes to childcare, advice can be very slanted to a particular method of caring for babies, and you may feel that you and your baby don’t fit that mould. We have to experiment and do what works for us and our family.

The unconditional and overwhelming love most parents have for their baby is like no other (though not everyone will experience that right away; for some it takes time and can depend on the circumstances around the birth of their child). It is love that can give you an inner strength you never knew you had. Love is the greatest gift we can ever give our children; a baby that feels loved every day is going to be a happy baby.

We feel loved when our needs are met, when we get daily affection and understanding, when we are treated with kindness and respect, and are secure and know we come first. A baby is no different; they are just a tiny person who needs that love more than anything – a baby needs to know there is at least one person who absolutely cares for them. Everything else you do is a choice; we make small decisions every day and are continually adapting to new situations – that is the most any parent can do.

It’s good to understand what your baby’s needs are and base your day around them, but you’ll probably need some flexibility to adapt to what each day brings. You’ll notice patterns emerging and develop a rhythm and understanding of what makes your baby happy so you can create an adaptable mini-routine that is right for you both. It’s paramount that you give yourself the time and space to develop confidence in yourself as a parent and recognise your ability to tune in to your baby’s daily needs. How you want to care for your baby and shape your day is down to you; every family is different, and your baby is a unique individual, but there are basic needs that all babies have, and it can only boost your confidence and ability as a parent to read, think and discuss what they are.

For me the Dalai Lama expresses this perfectly: he says, ‘Everyone can understand from natural experience and common sense that affection is crucial from the day of birth; it is the basis of life.’ Keep that in mind and you are already on the road to forming a wonderful relationship with your baby.

I hope you enjoy your baby every step of the way, and remember there’s no better or more challenging role in the world than becoming a parent. I know how much you want to do the best you can for your baby, and I’ve seen first hand that more and more parents are making their baby their top priority – and it’s having a big effect: happier babies.