Читать книгу F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living - Sarah Bennett - Страница 12

There are few things as frustrating as feeling too disorganized, unmotivated, and/or unfocused to accomplish even the smallest task. You can blame a noisy work environment, the wrong colored pen, or the need to watch TV in a timely, spoiler-free manner as the source of your distraction for only so long until you start blaming yourself.

Procrastination, avoidance, and disorganization cause delays and failures that provoke shame, criticism, and even legal issues. If you’re at the point where you’re amazed you finished reading two whole paragraphs before watching Game of Thrones, then this section is for you.

Some people with these problems may act as if they don’t care, or take pleasure in creating expectations they can’t meet and then lying about them, but in reality, they usually care deeply but have become accustomed to cover-ups, apologies, and endless self-defense. They often hate themselves and declare themselves secret self-enemy number one, knowing they’re at fault even when they always seem good at blaming others.

The brighter and more capable they are, the more certain they are that their bad behaviors represent bad choices and a failure to accept and discharge responsibility, and that they could do better if they were better motivated, more reliable, and more honest. Often, their parents, teachers, and supervisors agree that accepting responsibility for their failures seems like the necessary first step toward recovery.

While accepting that you have a problem is in fact the universal first step, accepting responsibility for having it is not. Brain wiring can cause well-motivated, smart people to procrastinate and drop the ball, and nature gives them no choice. The fact that you’re not responsible for having a problem, however, never relieves you of responsibility for working with it and finding ways around it, and often requires you to overcome deeply ingrained bad habits and attitudes. It’s impossible to change your instincts or make distractedness, impulsivity, and scattered thinking go away; you can, however, become a good manager of the impulses to procrastinate, avoid, lie, and cover up.

Then again, most “faulty” brain wiring, like that which makes tracking and finishing tasks difficult, is probably helpful in terms of Darwinian survival in situations that don’t involve sitting in cubicles or writing term papers. Having a mind that shifts attention quickly or persistently stays off topic may actually help in chaotic situations where you need to spot someone sneaking up on you. It also seems to empower salesmen; in fact, it’s hard to find a salesman without ADD. Distractibility is not so hot, however, when you’re staring at a monitor, or really anywhere but in sales, the jungle, politics, the jungle, etc.

So don’t hold yourself responsible for irresponsibility when it comes to being a slacker, assuming you don’t really want to be one. Push aside the shame, assess yourself objectively, and learn what’s necessary for good management. You can’t change your brain, but with the right tricks, extra time, and determination, you can get stuff done, no matter what’s on TV.

Here’s how you can tell you’re not to blame for your brain:

• There are several “to do” lists in your pockets, more than one of which includes “organize ‘to do’ lists”

• You’re better at saying “I’m sorry” than a Canadian, and do it more often

• A lost schedule probably wouldn’t matter, as it was with the “to do” lists

• The only way to get you to a meeting on time is to tell you it’s an hour earlier than it really is, and then you need to be walked there with horse blinders on

Among the wishes people express about improving their disorganization and dysfunction are:

• To be more responsible

• To stop forgetting appointments

• To stop avoiding work

• To appease someone who wants them to stop avoiding work

• To figure out how to face the pile of shit on their desk before the boss sees it and shits on them

Here are some examples:

I don’t know why I’ve always been a fuckup, but I’m pretty sure the boss is going to fire me, even though he’s my dad. I underachieved in high school, even when teachers went out of their way to encourage me and offer extra help. Now I’m working for my dad and I don’t want people to think I’m there just because I’m his son, but they’re right, because I never get tasks done. I hate screwing up and apologizing so much that sometimes I can’t bring myself to come to work in the morning, which just makes things worse. My goal is to grow up and make better choices.

I hate to admit it—in fact, I never admit it—but I’m a liar and can’t stop myself. I started lying about my homework when I was little, even though I always got caught, but I just couldn’t control it, even after I was punished and publicly humiliated. In college I told my parents I was doing fine when I’d stopped going to classes, and it would have saved them a fortune in tuition if I’d just told them the truth and dropped out instead of waiting to get called out on my bullshit and kicked out of school. Now I’m living at home and I sometimes look for work, but I have no hope for the future. My goal is to be an honest person I wouldn’t despise.

I have no excuse for how little I’ve done with my life. Everything I’ve tried, I’m interested in for a year or two and then I stop being interested and, before long, find something newer and shinier that I’m sure I’ll want to make a better career out of. That, of course, lasts for a short while before something even newer and shinier appears to lure me away from my last job, and the cycle repeats itself. I should be motivated to follow through on one career path because I need the money and I’m not getting any younger, but when an idea gets into my head, there’s no room for logic, perspective, or anything else. My goal is to settle on one career path, any path, before I’m so old I should retire.

If you had a problem with, say, constant barfing, you wouldn’t settle for feeling like a loser while resigning yourself to a life spent within ten feet of a toilet or in reach of a paper bag; you’d see a specialist, quit gluten if you had to, or at least become a master of puke jokes. That’s why the first job as a chronic fuckup is to put aside shame and blame and find out if part of the trouble is a weakness in your mental equipment.

Most people avoid this step because it’s painful to know that something about you doesn’t work right, but doing so will save energy you’re wasting on self-blame and apology and will give you ideas about better things to do than kicking yourself.

Incidentally, the line between bad mental equipment and bad behavior is often blurred by the fact that bad mental equipment usually causes people to behave badly. This is either because they’re innately more angry and impulsive than they can manage, or because they become bitter about their inability to stop themselves from fucking up, which ups the anger factor even more. So the fact that some fuckups act like Assholes (see Chapter 9) doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve made worse choices than the better-behaved fuckups, or that they have more control over their choices. It just means they struggle more and their behavior may be even harder for them to change or control.

If you can tolerate the humiliation and helplessness and admit that you’re an out-of-control fuckup, it frees you from expectations you can’t possibly meet, promises you can’t keep, and appearances you can’t maintain; it liberates you from the ensuing cycle of endless failure. It doesn’t free you, of course, from your standards or your determination to be as least fucked-up as possible given your new, self-acknowledged fuckup status.

As soon as you accept who you are, think hard about the standards you want to live up to and less about looking normal, pleasing authorities, or competing with others. Use those standards to manage your inner fuckup by redoubling your efforts to learn whatever you really care about and manage bad behavior.

Rely on your own standards for defining hard work, reliability, and self-reliance, and use your gifts to achieve them in your own way. If your career happens to lack prestige or follows an unconventional, restless path, don’t criticize yourself. Respect yourself all the more for having found a way to meet standards using equipment you didn’t choose and given habits that are hard to break.

Remember, fucking up doesn’t mean getting bad results; it means not doing your best with what you’ve got. As long as you’ve developed values you believe in, and have reason to think you’re doing your best to work at living up to them, you’ll always be a success, even if learning you’ve got a wacky brain is hard to swallow.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

• On-demand concentration and focus

• Not acting stupid

• Good results whenever you work hard and deserve them

• Not feeling scared shitless before you can start working

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Define for yourself what’s necessary to get done

• Find your own ways for doing and delegating what’s necessary

• Know you’ve done your best, regardless of result

• Take pride in your ability to work with what you’ve got

Here’s what you can do:

• Test yourself, or get tested by a neuropsychologist, on information-processing problems, and give yourself a Myers-Briggs test to gain a feel for your permanent personality traits and the strengths and weaknesses that go with them

• Get help from whatever teachers and coaches are most positive about you and have the best tricks for helping you perform better

• Avoid friends who understand you but nevertheless overreact to your fuckups because they’re too much like you, and embrace friends who, even if they don’t understand your fuckups, aren’t terribly bothered by them

• Try medication if nonmedical methods aren’t enough

• Find a spouse who’s good at doing your taxes

Your Script

Dear [Me/Family Member/Guy I’ve Disappointed, Let Down, or Royally Screwed],

I know you feel I’ve [fucked up/dropped the ball/ignored my deadline/deserve my trial date and possible jail time]. Let me assure you, however, that nothing is more important to me than [doing a good job/keeping my commitments/not disappointing you/staying off MSNBC’s Lockup] and that I am now doing my best to [figure out what happened/make amends if possible/never screw up this bad again]. I know that one reason for the problem is that I cannot [insert basic skill, like time-telling or direction-following], but I’m aware of that weakness and have developed systems for preventing it from interfering with the job. I will learn from this experience and continue to try to fulfill my commitments. [Insert long, sincere string of apologetic words, followed by silent prayer.]