Читать книгу Three Virtues of Effective Parenting - Shirley Yuen - Страница 12
ОглавлениеChapter One
Benevolence for Reaching the Heart of Your Child
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ACCORDING TO CONFUCIUS, BENEVOLENCE IS THE MOST important virtue. The Chinese character for benevolence is made up of two elements, ren (person) and er (two). In other words, benevolence is relationship oriented, relating one human being to another.
In its simplest form, benevolence can be expressed as “Love your fellow man.” Confucius believed that all humans were born with benevolence but that this virtue will wither without cultivation. It is not a ready-made gift, but an accomplishment that one has to achieve. To be benevolent is not what we are as a person, but what we do and become. Those who uncover the power of benevolence will gradually think and act in a different, more virtuous manner, and eventually will become an exemplary person who will enjoy life even when the world around them—with or without children screaming—is in turmoil. A person of benevolence will not be changed by the environment, but instead will change the environment for the better.
Many people think that cultivating benevolence is to make the lives of others better or to make the world a better place. These are both true, but this overlooks the fact that by practicing benevolence, we are ourselves the beneficiary as well as the benefactor. Benevolence provides us with a more loving way to look at life, a better way to treat the people around us, and a wonderful way to be loved by others.
Benevolence is the force behind a calm and tranquil life, even if you are an over-scheduled mom or dad. Confucius said, “Those who are benevolent will have nothing to worry or fear.” When asked if that means that those who have no worries or fears can necessarily claim themselves to be benevolent, Confucius answered, “If examining oneself and you have nothing to regret, why be worried or fearful?” (Analects 9.29)
BENEVOLENCE AND PARENTING
Confucius believed that benevolence had different meanings for different people. For a student who was impulsive and violent, benevolence meant patience and kindness. For a student who was shy and timid, benevolence meant the ability to be strong when it came to fighting for what was right. In parenting, benevolence will also mean different things at different times and will express itself in different ways according to your nature. If you are permissive, you may see benevolence as firmness and strength, while if you are authoritative, you will see it as patience and understanding.
The Five Merits of the Benevolent Parent
Though everyone’s definition of benevolence may be a little different, the following five merits of benevolent individuals hold true for all. When asked about the merits of benevolence, Confucius listed these five:
They are respectfulness, forgiveness, trustworthiness, diligence, and generosity.
If you are respectful, you will not suffer humiliation
If you are forgiving, you win the support of many
If you are trustworthy, others will trust and rely on you
If you are diligent, you will be successful
If you are generous, you be able to employ others effectively.
(Analects 17.6)
We can all apply this to our parenting styles to see that:
• If we respect our children, which is not the same as indulging them, we will not induce contempt from them.
• If we forgive and understand, while teaching them the lesson behind their mistakes, we will win our children’s hearts.
• If we can prove ourselves to be trustworthy, our children will trust and rely on our guidance.
• If we are diligent and practice good parenting, we will become successful parents.
• If we are generous with our time, care, and love we will gain our children’s heartfelt dedication.
For many people, the five merits of benevolence all sound so familiar. Most people are respectful to their boss, forgiving to their spouse, trustworthy to their friends, diligent in their work, and generous to the needy. But the five merits of benevolence may have been neglected in relationship to their children. Often people do not realize the power of these five merits in the arena of parenting. They do not realize that their children’s behavior, both good and bad, is directly related to their own actions. In other words, children are, in fact, reacting to their parents’ actions every day.
ACTIONS OF A BENEVOLENT PARENT
Examine Yourself before You Blame Others
Benevolent persons make demands on themselves; petty persons make demands on others. (Analects 15.21)
It is almost impossible for even the best parents to go through parenthood without encountering some kind of problem in their parenting. When trouble occurs, it is important to review and examine one’s own behavior first before blaming others. It is common to hear parents blaming children’s problems on the media or the values of popular culture, on their peer groups, schools, and often, on the children themselves. Benevolence asks for self-examination.
The reward for self-examination is threefold. First of all, we will be able to see our own mistakes that might have been overlooked. Secondly, we will be able to learn from those mistakes and avoid making them again. Thirdly, by being able to admit our own mistakes, we will be able to be more patient, because only those who admit their own mistakes will truly understand how difficult it is to correct them and change.
For example, if your child has lied to you, do not immediately blame him or her for their dishonesty. Instead, reflect on what you could have done to prevent the misbehavior. Benevolent parents will question themselves as well as their children in their search for answers. Did we appear to be too stubborn and uncompromising to our child? Are we really too stubborn and uncompromising? If the answer is yes, we can learn our mistake and further investigate the root of the problem.
Children, especially young children, do not lie for fun. They lie because they are afraid to tell the truth. Some parents think that fear will contribute to their children’s obedience, but fear often trains them to achieve their goals by lying or doing things behind your back. This is too big a price to pay. Be firm with what is not acceptable, but try to be reasonable and teach your children to achieve their goals by communicating with you and not by lying to you.
Admitting our own mistakes is difficult for our egos, but it is only by graciously admitting our own flaws to ourselves that we get to understand why our children cannot be flawless. For example, only if we admit to ourselves that we are procrastinating at work can we truly understand why it is so difficult for our children to stop procrastinating when it comes to doing their schoolwork.
Mistakes May Be Blessings in Disguise
When benevolent persons make mistakes, they do not hesitate to reform. (Analects 1.8)
Benevolence first opens us up to self-examination, as we discussed above. However, once we have reviewed and examined our own behavior, we must be ready to acknowledge our own mistakes, if any, and reform. Let’s take a common example. Imagine that your three-year-old son has just burned his hand on the stove in the kitchen. You might have told him a hundred times that the kitchen is definitely a no-entry zone for him, but he is only a curious and careless child. A benevolent person will admit their own carelessness and instead of just shouting at the child for his disobedience, will start thinking about installing a safety gate to prevent the child from going into the kitchen when someone is cooking. Looking for ways to remedy the problem ourselves, and admitting any mistakes we may have made, are the first steps towards finding out what needs to be done to avoid repeating the same mistake again. Think of it this way, if you do not admit your own carelessness when your child burns his hand and install a safety gate, the next time he might end up with a pot of boiling hot water on his face.
Always Act with Sincere Intentions
Benevolence involves being the first to willingly take on a difficult task and the last to think about reward or recognition.
(Analects 6.22)
Parenting is no easy task, and it seems to be getting harder and harder in today’s world. Benevolence helps us accept the challenge willingly for the sake of our children and not the sake of reward or recognition for ourselves. You will have more patience and kindness when your intention is sincere. When you focus on the well-being of your child, and not on reward or recognition for yourself, you will find it easier to differentiate the right responses from the wrong ones.
In parenting, having the right goal is in fact the best guideline to help you make the right parenting decisions. When our goal is clear and full of good intention for the well-being of our child, our energy will focus on doing just that. On the other hand, when our goal is self-serving rewards or recognition, our actions will also follow accordingly. For example, if your goal is to experience power and to feel the thrill of being able to control others, then don’t give your children any opportunity or support to learn to make their own decisions. But don’t be surprised if your children end up resentful, spiteful, and unable to function independently in the world. Or if you want to be affirmed by being recognized as “the Most Easygoing Dad in the Neighborhood” by your daughter and her friends, then by all means indulge her every whim but don’t be surprised if, from an excess of freedom and a lack of healthy boundaries, she grows up to be manipulative, selfish, spoiled, and even harms herself by not having a healthy sense of safe and moral parameters.
Benevolence requires that one work hard for the right result. It is so much easier to buy your three-year-old the candy bar he wants in the supermarket then to have to learn how to deal with his screams and unreasonable demands in front of all the people around you. It is not easy to let your preteen daughter go to her first summer camp hundreds of miles away from home when it feels so much “safer” to have her attend summer school in your own neighborhood. It always seems harder to put the wellness of others before our own, but if we parent with benevolence, we will receive a different kind of reward and recognition from our children, which may prove to be far more deeply fulfilling than we ever could have imagined.
Practice Self-Control
Benevolence is to restrain oneself from what you want to say and do, so that one can retain propriety. (Analects 12.1)
Benevolence helps parents to engage in self-control and maintain the standard of socially acceptable conduct or speech. This is much easier when we are dealing with our friends. When it comes to our own children we tend to take more liberties with propriety. Imagine yourself shouting and yelling at your friends when they do something wrong. If you did that, it might be a while before you hear from them again. Imagine shouting and yelling at your child for something not acceptable to you. Your child may fear and obey you, but do you know what will he be thinking? Does he really understand the lesson or is he just being obedient?
When we practice self-control—when we allow ourselves a moment to pause and see the situation carefully—we will think twice about what we want to say or do. When we are upset or angry, we often say and do things we wish, in retrospect, that we hadn’t. Do not underestimate the effect of abusing words; they could hurt a child as badly as your fist. In fact, bruises and wounds heal in time, but pain caused by abusing words from parents might last a lifetime. The virtue of benevolence teaches us to control our impulsiveness, to not say and do things that are inappropriate. Many parenting experts suggest a time-out—a cool down period—for both parents and children when tempers are roused. You will be surprised at how much more easily you can control yourself if you take a fiveminute time-out when you want to hurt your child with words or action. Not only will your child respect you more, but you will also be able to see your child as a young and immature person who also deserves to be guided with respect.
BENEVOLENT BEHAVIOR
FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING
Be Firm, Determined, Honest, and Deliberate
Being firm, determined, honest, and deliberate in speech is close to benevolent conduct. (Analects 13.27)
Effective parenting brings results. Benevolent conduct helps us to accomplish what we want to achieve. If we want to be an effective parent, practicing benevolent conduct is a good way to start.
Be firm with discipline. When it comes to discipline, you need to be firm with what you believe is important to raise a happy, healthy, and well-balanced child. Do not give in to the pitiful look of your beloved little angel when she needs to be disciplined so she can learn right from wrong; likewise, don’t allow yourself to become intimidated by the angry look on your teenager’s face when you set healthy boundaries on their freedom. Being firm does not necessarily take shouting and yelling. Parents can be firm by being gentle and soft-spoken. All you want to do is to let your child know that you are firm because it is your responsibility to discipline him well. However, it is important to make sure that you are firm and reasonable.
Be determined to be the best parent possible. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you are determined to be the best parent to your child, there is really nothing that can stop you from achieving that goal. If you lack the knowledge, learn from others and from all the parenting help available. If you lack the perfect personality, cultivate what it takes to be the kind of parent you want yourself to be. Once you set your mind to become “the best” parent for your child, all paths will lead you there.
Be honest with yourself. In parenting, it is as important to be honest with yourself as it is to be honest with your children. You need to be honest with your children so that you can gain their trust. Honesty requires you to go deeper into your subconscious mind, to see that you are not lying to yourself. You need to be honest with yourself so that you can gain insight into what is genuinely going on in front of you and within you. What you like to believe is going on might not be what is really going on.
Be careful with what you say to your child. Confucius taught about the importance of speech in human relationships. Confucius said, “A benevolent person is slow and careful in speech.” (Analects 12.3) So think carefully before you speak, especially when you are angry or discouraged. Sometimes if you don’t know what to say, be silent. Silence might not help to solve any problem, but at least it will not cause more harm or any immediate damage.
Accept Each Other’s Differences
A benevolent person seeks harmony and not sameness.
(Analects 13.23)
You might not like your daughter’s pink highlights or purple hair; you might not be able to stand your son’s low cut oversized pants, or you may not understand why your daughter’s jeans need to look like they are one size too small, but that doesn’t mean that what you dislike is definitely wrong. Your child might not think that all you do is right either.
In order to seek harmony in your parent/child relationship, you and your child will both need to accept each other’s differences. Acceptance is not the same as approval. There are things you need to accept even if you don’t approve of them, but always set healthy boundaries so your son or daughter can get the guidance and foundation they need for an ethical, moral life. You might not approve of your child’s choice of major in college, but you will have to accept her and her decision. This will also be a very good lesson for your child to learn. Your child might not approve of your extravagant or stingy life style, but he will have to learn how to accept you for who you are. Benevolence seeks harmony and not sameness. From the head of a nation to the head of a family, this is one important principle to model so children and young people can learn how to build a more peaceful world.
Love . . . and Express Your Love in All Possible Ways
To be benevolent is to love the other person. (Analects 12.22)
Benevolence, in its simplest form, is loving another person. But it is not as simple as it sounds. Most parents will not doubt for a moment that they love their children. They take care of their children, provide them with the best life has to offer, devote their time and energy to raising them well. Every parent makes some kind of sacrifice for his or her children. But what happens when the child defies or rebels? Can you still say “I love you” to a child who screams “I hate you?”
Benevolence requires us to love others even when we are disappointed or angry with them. We will discuss how benevolence can help us control our anger in the next section, but for now, let us concentrate on how we could still love a child who has broken our heart. The key is how to see the child in a benevolent way. It is easy to love a sweet baby who is cute and affectionate. But what happens when your child is doing everything you hate. He may be rude, defiant, and so different from the younger child you loved so much. Do you only hate what he did, or are you starting to hate him? It is a scary thought, but it is something we will have to deal with before we can truly understand what benevolence is all about.
Many parenting experts have advised parents to separate a child’s actions from the child. I found this the most difficult part of parenting, and it took me a long time to discover that the only way we can be benevolent even when we are really angry with our children is to put on our “Benevolent Glasses.” Through this pair of glasses, you will see your child as he or she really is . . . a two-and-one-half-year-old who hates you because he hates the way you boss him around but still loves everything else about you; a twelve-year-old who acts like twenty-one because she is scared, confused, and thinks that you won’t allow her to find her own identity. Only by seeing with benevolence can we act with benevolence, and only by acting with benevolence can we truly raise a child who will be happy and successful in life.
In understanding our love for another, we need to, again, look into our intention. Confucius stressed “Sincerity of Intention.” Do we love our son only if he is hardworking? Do we love our daughter only if she is obedient? Or do we love our children unconditionally? This brings us back to our previous discussion on the goal of self-serving rewards and recognition versus care for our child’s long-term well-being.
If there is one thing that we absolutely cannot do without in successful parenting, it is unconditional love. A child will need to know that you love him even if he has done something bad. It is dangerous to even suggest to a child that you will take your love away if he does something wrong. A child needs to know that you will love him no matter what happens. Your love for your child should not fade even if he has committed the worst crime on earth. You definitely do not approve of his wrongdoing, but that does not mean you should love him less. His friends, his lover, or his spouse may stop loving him, but never his mother and father.
A child who thinks his parents do not love him can never learn how to love himself, and loving ourselves is the foundation for a happy and well-balanced person. As long as children know that their parents love them unconditionally, they will return the love in one way or another. This leads us to another important point . . . do your children feel that you love them?
Show and Express Your Love in Every Way Possible
No human can resist the genuine love of another human being, whether that person is a parent, a lover, a friend, a neighbor, or even someone he once considered an enemy. In the same way, if there ever comes a time that you doubt your love for your child who has broken your heart, remember that he or she was the same loving child who once whispered in your ears “I love you, mommy” or “I love you, daddy.” Give him or her a chance to say it again.
BENEVOLENCE FOR CONTROLLING ANGER
Though benevolence will inspire us to act with love and respect, we may still feel like there is one factor that keeps us from “doing it right.” That is the anger factor. For people like me who entered parenthood with “short fused” stamped on their forehead and “devoted parent” imprinted on their heart, parenting is bound to be an uphill race. Anger and parental devotion just do not mix; one of them will have to go if you want to save yourself from the pain and agony in parenting. My decision was to keep the devotion and try to conquer anger.
Two Opposing Forces
Benevolence inspires us to love and be kind to another person. Anger makes us want to do just the opposite. It makes us want to hurt the other person because the other person has caused us pain.
To manage anger with benevolence is to learn how to eliminate the desire to hurt another person. We can do this by cultivating benevolence in our heart. The calmness will then come from within and not just from diverting our focus to things outside of us, like music or a cool drink. The focus will need to be on our benevolent thoughts which will help us to find a way to love the other person who has irritated us. In confronting our children and their disobedience, benevolence will prompt us to understand and help them; instead of doing all we can to hurt them with words or actions. Consider this example.
Karen was the mother of an eleven-year-old boy, Charles. She had always wanted to give her best to her child and to become an excellent parent. She studied parenting books, attended parenting classes, consulted parenting experts and even went out of her way to learn yoga so that she could slow down and be more relaxed with life. She followed everything that she studied to the best she could and was happy to see that she was making good progress.
When Karen told Charles that she had programmed the computer to restrict and monitor his Internet use at home, Charles slammed the door in her face. When Karen demanded that he come out and apologize, he shouted, “get lost” from the other side of the door. This was totally unexpected, and Karen found herself holding her breath outside Charles’s room, with enough dynamite to blow the door open.
For a second, Karen thought she could handle this. She had learned from her parenting books about how to handle such a situation. She remembered exactly what some of her parenting books had taught her to do—take a time-out, go for a walk, take a shower, listen to some soft music, practice slow and deep breathing, stay calm, don’t reward your children’s misbehavior with your anger, think of a time you had good control, let your anger out slowly by talking with your child. . . . All these things seemed to have helped in the past but Karen’s hands were still shaking and her heart started beating faster and faster.
In the intensity of her anger, Karen started to think that maybe shouting back at her son might soothe things a bit for her, but all the books said that she should not react to her child’s bad mouthing. All the books said it was nothing personal, that the child just did not like what she had done, not who she was. But still, Karen could not stop playing and replaying the terrible scene in her mind. Maybe she should just “get lost,” take the easy way out, and let Charles ruin his life with all the evil temptations on the Internet. Karen felt her anger surging inside her until she finally said to herself, “Enough is enough. I am who I am.” It is so much easier to react to her anger and just do what feels good in that moment.
No matter how much Karen loved her son, it was a great challenge for her to keep cool under these circumstances. Telling herself that she loved her son was not enough for her when Charles slammed the door in her face. Having a child slam the door in your face and shout, “get lost,” is definitely not acceptable, and under no circumstance should a parent allow such rudeness. Yet, Karen needed to be patient and tolerant, not only with her son’s misbehavior, but with her own thoughts and action.
Anger was telling Karen to hurt her son. But if hurting a child verbally or physically were effective in correcting bad behaviors, then abused children would be the most well behaved children of all. This is obviously not the case. Shouting and hitting will only bring about fear or rebellion in a child. The child might behave properly only because he or she is scared. Ruling by fear only works as long as the child is still afraid of you and the punishment, and as long as you are in your commander-inchief uniform. Can you imagine what will happen when your child no longer fears you and your punishment, or that commander-in-chief is not around to watch over him? In addition, the damage done to a child in exchange for such obedience is enormous and irreversible.
Karen was left with three choices: She could react to her anger and hurt her son to make herself feel better. She could turn away as if nothing had happened and concentrate on her busy social life. Or she could practice the Three Steps of Anger Management with Benevolence (that we’ll discuss next) to calm herself down and get the best result.
The Three Steps of Anger Management with Benevolence
Step One
Cool off with Benevolent Thoughts
Benevolent thoughts in relationship to anger are like water to fire. The bigger the fire, the more water we need to put it out. The angrier we are, the more benevolent thoughts we need to calm us down. Yet having water and aiming incorrectly does not help put out the fire either. That is why we need precision, which can only be achieved with a clear mind. This is when we need to have a timeout. We need a timeout to clear our mind of the smoke and to see clearly what is happening so that then we can see how benevolent thoughts can help. There are four benevolent thoughts that can help and they are as follows.
1. Understand the Other Person.
Do not fret when the other person does not understanding you; Fret when you do not understand the other person.
(Analects 1.16)
You must try to understand why the person made you angry. In Karen’s case, Karen will need to understand why her child misbehaved and find a reason to be angry at the behavior and not the child. It is only by asking “Why” from the child’s point of view that we will understand why he acted the way he did.
In the previous example, Charles was rude to his mother because he was angry with her for controlling and monitoring his Internet use. He was also angry with her because he felt she had decided to take away, or at least reduce, his joy of life without even telling him about it. On top of that, he felt that she did not show any respect for his privacy by installing a monitor program in his computer without telling him anything about it in advance. Once Karen starts to understand the way that her son is thinking, her heart will feel less disturbed.
Can we do this in all situations? Yes. Even if we do not completely comprehend our children’s point of view, taking a practical look at the situation will help us understand our children a little bit more. Close your eyes and see your children as the individuals they are becoming and realize that they are not there yet. Depending on the age of the child, we should take into account that their immaturity is one great factor that drove them to do the “bad” things they did. A little understanding will go a long way.
2. Have Compassion.
If successful in extracting the truth of a criminal case, do not congratulate yourself, but have compassion for them.
(Analects 19.19)
A benevolent person needs to have compassion for the person who misbehaves. Karen’s son could have explained nicely to his mother why he was so upset with the new set up, but he was only eleven years old and immature in his judgment. Instead of condemning your child right away, try to feel for him—you will certainly feel better inside if you do.
This takes more than just understanding his side of the story—it asks you to feel his pain or other emotions. Karen’s son was very angry when he slammed the door. If Charles was a benevolent young man, he would have felt the pain in his mother’s heart when he shouted “get lost.” Compassion is feeling another’s emotions, and it is the most crucial response to cultivate to prevent violence against another human being or against any other living being on earth. Do you ever feel the pain of another person? The more you can feel your child’s fear and pain when you hurt him with your hand or your words, the harder it is for you to assault him. In addition, the more your child learns about benevolence, the more he will appreciate the effects of his actions on his parents and others.
3. Look at Your Own Contribution to the Problem
I have yet to meet the person who could perceive his own mistake and inwardly criticize himself.
(Analects 5.27)
Confucius regrets that he could not find people who are able to criticize themselves. What could Karen have done to avoid her son’s outburst? She could have discussed the new Internet setup with her son before installing it, she could have taught him about anger management, or she could have taught him the importance of respect in the house. Only when we look at our own contribution to a situation will we see it fairly and honestly. If you did something wrong, admit it. Just admitting it to yourself is a great help. Not only will your admittance help to resolve the situation, but you will also be teaching your child an important lesson on self-reflection and accepting responsibility.
4. Kindness is Irresistible
Do not impose on others what you do not desire.
(Analects 12.2)
In other words, don’t do to others what you do not want others to do to you. This is one principle that we have heard over and over again in different texts and different languages. It is the golden rule of benevolence. If each one of us can say this quote in our minds each time we think of hurting another person, physically or verbally, a lot of unkind acts can been avoided. Everybody loves to be treated kindly—even the most unkind person in the world will not be able to resist kindness.
Karen could kick open the door, or unlock it with her key, drag Charles out of his room, and act like a raging bull. She could say and do all the things that will serve the purpose of hurting Charles. And do you know what Charles would be thinking? He would be thinking of how to hurt his mother back, for he is also very angry. And the cycle will go on and on.
There is another possibility. Karen could treat Charles with kindness and respect just like she would like to be treated, after all that is what Karen would like to teach Charles. She could sit down with her son after both of them have calmed down and have recuperated from the terrible incident. She should act kindly not because she wants to be permissive but because she knows that the power of kindness will get her the result she desires. If Karen is able to clear her mind of anger and is able to respond instead of react to her son’s rudeness, then it is time to move on to step two and step three.
Step Two
Think Clearly with Wisdom
