Читать книгу All About Me: Loving a narcissist - Simon Crompton - Страница 12

You can use these checklists on behalf of your partner or yourself (if you’re self-aware enough). Tick those statements below that tally with your behaviour or that of your partner. I’ve organised the questions into two groups of ten. The first group of ten questions deals with milder narcissistic traits – the sorts that are found in many people. If you or your partner score five or over in this section, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a major problem, but it does mean that narcissistic traits may be causing unhappiness in your relationship.

People who score over five in the first questionnaire should move on to the second checklist. This itemises more serious narcissistic traits. If you score five or more on this one, it’s quite likely that narcissism is ruining your life.

Try to answer the following questions honestly, thinking about examples from your own life that might fit in with the description. But check each time that it really does fit, and it’s not just a case of you wanting it to because you’ve made up your mind already. In phrasing these questions I’ve assumed, for the sake of convenience, we’re talking about a male partner.

Mild narcissistic traits

Does he ever seem to exaggerate his achievements?

For example, will the meal he cooked for you last night be the most fabulous thing you ever tasted when you talk about it the next day (though in fact it was a bit average)?

Does he have a naturally arrogant manner?

Does his haughtiness sometimes make you feel like an inferior being?

Does he expect you to meet his needs, even though he hasn’t stated them?

Are you left feeling angry that he has unreasonable expectations of you, for example?

Is he unusually concerned about how others view him?

For example, is he always conscious of ‘images’ and how he projects himself to the outside world?

When you’re together, do you spend more time talking about him than you?

For example, does the conversation always seem to turn away from generalities to specifics about his life?

Is he subject to whims?

For example, will he change his look, his interests and his hobbies at the drop of a hat?

Is he extremely sensitive to criticism?

For example, do you often find yourself forcibly stopping yourself from saying what you think, for fear of how he might react?

Is he obviously flirtatious with other women?

Does he often seem interested in other women, but always insists that you are the only one he could ever love?

Do you feel you have to do most of the work when it comes to keeping the relationship going?

Does it seem that he takes you for granted in a way he never did at the start of your relationship?

Do you feel emotionally drained by how much effort it seems to take to keep your partner happy?

Does he expect that you should do everything?

Serious narcissistic traits

Is there something rather overwhelming about his big romantic gestures?

For example, have you felt a bit suffocated, or been left with an awkward feeling of indebtedness, by the number or expense of presents lavished on you?

Does he show no interest in what you really want, or really feel?

For example, are you often accused of being selfish, when all you are actually doing is trying to convey something about where you fit in to the relationship?

Does he seem to think he’s intrinsically better than everyone else?

For example, is he snooty about people who have achieved less than him, or does he get irate when other people are being served in a restaurant before him?

Does he sometimes make you feel like a keeper, rather than a partner?

For example, do you find yourself running round after his smallest wish, or desperately trying to cover up for his antisocial behaviour?

Does his idea of truth and fiction seem very different from yours?

For example, has he ever constructed an entirely fictitious event but insisted it is true?

Do you fear him or fear for him – and stay with him partly because you worry what would happen if you left?

For example, has he ever implied he might fall apart, or even harm himself, if you weren’t around?

Have you ever felt your personal safety has been threatened by his thrill-seeking or addictive behaviour?

For example, has he driven erratically and dangerously – seemingly on purpose?

Does he swing from idealising you to treating you as if you’re nothing, regardless of what you have done?

For example, are you often left wondering what you have done to suddenly make him hate you so much?

Does he sometimes try to create a rational argument to justify his behaviour, when by any normal standards it is completely unjustifiable?

For example, do you sometimes find yourself wondering whether you’re going mad because his idea of normality seems so different from your own?

Do your friends try to tell you he’s no good for you?

If you look deep in your heart, are you hiding from what others are telling you about your relationship?

So how did you get on? Does your partner have narcissistic traits? The answers to these questions don’t constitute proof, of course. We’re all aware of the perils of simple checklists. But they may point you towards some of the reasons why your relationship is not the bed of roses you first expected it to be. If narcissism is affecting your life, in Chapter 5 you’ll find an explanation of some of the reasons why people show narcissistic traits, which may help you to understand why your partner behaves as he does. And in Chapters 10 and 11 you’ll find advice on some of the practical strategies you might consider to try to address problems of narcissism, and stop it ruining your life.

The examples in the checklist illustrate just how difficult it is to conduct a genuinely meaningful relationship when one of the partners is strongly narcissistic. Narcissism denies the principles of compromise and understanding that are at the base of so many strong partnerships. He needs you. He really does, because you are the means to him having any sense of self-worth. But it’s a parasitic kind of need.