Читать книгу Adopting Older Children - Stephanie Bosco-Ruggiero - Страница 11

CHAPTER 1

Deciding to Adopt an Older Child

Deciding to build a family, whether through birth or adoption, is one of the most important and impactful decisions you will make in your life. Any experienced parent will tell you that having or adopting a child is an event that turns your life upside down and that parenting is one of the toughest jobs on earth. Deciding to have or adopt a child is not a decision that should be made lightly. Most certainly, the decision to adopt an older child is no exception.

The reasons people are interested in domestic or international older child adoption vary, but may include:

• Infertility

• They want children but decide to adopt for health or other reasons

• To provide a loving home to a child in need

• Older child adoption fits better with the prospective parent(s)’ age and/or life-stage

• A religious or spiritual calling

• They were adopted and thus understand the importance of adoption

• They are fostering a child or children and want him/her/them to become a permanent part of the family

• They know someone who has adopted an older child and see how life-changing it has been for the child and the adoptive family

• Their children are grown and they want to raise more children

• They have a talent for working with challenged children or teens

There may be multiple reasons you are drawn to older child adoption. As you prepare to make your decision about adoption you may feel a natural amount of anxiety that comes with making such a life-changing decision. This is perfectly normal and acceptable. What is not acceptable, however, is making a decision without being well-informed. You must become educated about the challenges older adoptees have experienced in their lives and some of the issues they may encounter after adoption. Also read about the process of adopting an older child and what post-adoption services and support may be available to you. As you learn more about older child adoption, ask yourself these questions:

• Is adopting an older child right for me and my family?

• Is adoption about my needs or the needs of the child?

• Do I know enough about older child adoption to make an informed decision?

• Do I have realistic expectations about adopting an older child?

• Will I be thoroughly committed to my adoptive child, even when his or her behavior sometimes makes me dislike him or her?

• Do I have patience for a child whose behaviors may be the result of someone else’s abuse and/or neglect?

If you have done your research and spoken to other adoptive parents and still have doubts about adopting an older child, discuss your feelings with an adoption professional, trusted family member, friend, clergyman or therapist. If you and your partner do not seem to be on the same page on adoption, don’t force a decision on a person who is hesitant. In the end you will make the right decision. If you are confident you can be committed to an older adopted child through good times and bad, embark on a journey that may be the most rewarding of your life!

BETH’S STORY

Beth and her husband adopted four siblings who came into their care at the ages of six and a half, five, three-and-a-half and two, through their state’s Department of Family and Protective Services. They always had a desire to adopt.

Beth explained, “I nannied for years and realized early in life that I don’t particularly enjoy the infant years. I knew I wanted to be a mother but I didn’t necessarily want to have a baby. [In adopting from the foster care system] I was able to give [four children] a safe and loving home, while living the dream I have had since I was thirteen of having a large family.”

Beth feels some of the adoptive parents she has met in support groups simply weren’t ready to adopt. She said, “We quickly realized that, as a family who came to adoption as a “plan A,” we were in the minority. I have discovered that many adopt children as a “plan B” after exhausting every known medical option to conceive. Many of these parents, before bringing a wounded child into their life, did not grieve or heal fully after “plan A” was no longer viable. I listened to the expectations and disappointments of well-meaning parents played out in group therapy more times than I can count. The parents were venting with nodding support instead of being told they need to deal with their issues and not project them onto their children. It is a serious problem in this emerging adoption culture.”

Beth’s advice to people who are considering older child adoption is to “enter into a therapeutic discussion (with yourself, your partner, your therapist, whomever…) about the impacts of your decision.” She also recommends that people do thorough research about older child adoption. Prior to adopting, Beth says that she and her husband spent a long time asking questions and looking into the process before they actually took their first steps.

EDUCATING YOURSELF ABOUT OLDER CHILD ADOPTION

The decision to adopt and parent an older child should be informed by love, hope and knowledge. Lois Wright and Cynthia Flynn asked fifty-eight adoptive parents of teens what advice they had for people considering teen adoption and the dominant piece of advice was get as much information as possible about older child adoption and the specific child you are adopting.¹

There are many uncertainties with older child adoption, but one thing is certain—it is not a fairytale and it takes a lot of hard work. Unlike infants, older adoptees join their families with prior life experiences that have shaped their psychological, behavioral, physical, social and emotional development. They join your family with hope, joy and love but also with hidden pain. Prospective parents of older adoptees must open their hearts and minds to the promises and difficulties of older child adoption.

Your family’s adoption journey will not be the same as anyone else’s. There is no magic formula or crystal ball that will predict what your experience will be like. Your adopted child may struggle with many issues or adjust surprisingly well to her new family. And just like any child, your adopted child will have her own strengths and weaknesses.

Often the media covers sensational stories about adoption that are not representative of the average adoption experience. It is up to you to get a more accurate picture of what older child adoption is like. When you speak to parents who are raising children adopted at an older age, note the range of experiences. Some families will describe nightmare scenarios, while others will say they had no problems at all, but these are outlier experiences. Most families you talk to will describe an older child adoption journey that fits somewhere in the middle of these two extremes; their child and family have faced a number of challenges and setbacks but ultimately, through love and commitment, have persevered. Many adoptive parents you will speak to will say older child adoption has been the most rewarding experience of their lives. Undoubtedly their families too have experienced good times and bad, but these parents understand the difference they have made in the life of a child.

Prior to deciding whether to adopt an older child, educate yourself:

• Attend adoptive parent support group meetings to hear from parents about their family’s challenges and how they cope.

• Find an adoption navigator, recruiter or mentor who works with prospective and pre-adoptive parents of older adoptees.

• Visit online discussion forums for adoptive parents of older children.

• Read books and articles about older child adoption and visit adoption websites.

• Have frank conversations with adoption professionals about your expectations, hopes and needs.

• Learn how adoption has changed the lives of older children and teens by listening to or reading their stories.

There are numerous resources listed throughout this guide that will help you learn more about the many aspects of older child adoptions including the process, how to access post-adoption services, common issues older adoptees and adoptive families face and parenting support.

ADVICE TO PROSPECTIVE PARENTS FROM THOSE WHO HAVE ADOPTED OLDER CHILDREN

We asked a group of adoptive parents what advice they have for people contemplating older child adoption. Their answers reflect the importance of prospective parents being educated about the needs of adopted children, having realistic expectations and understanding that healing will not happen overnight. The parents we talked to believe love is an essential ingredient in raising children who have experienced early challenges in their lives, but they agree that love may not be enough to heal these children. They advise parents to become educated about the needs of older adopted children so they will understand their child’s behavior and seek professional help as needed.

To prepare for difficult behaviors, a parent who adopted a nine-year-old from the American foster care system advised prospective parents: “Read up on the impact of trauma and attachment disorders. Consider the worst-case scenario—severe mental illness, violent outbursts, near constant disrespect and defiance, the child pushing you away at every turn. Hopefully healing will happen, but can you stay committed to your child if it doesn’t?”

A parent who adopted three children with special medical needs—a twenty-month-old from Belarus, a seven-month-old from Guatemala and a six-year-old from Ukraine—said prospective parents “need to be prepared as much as possible, they need to research as much as possible, be prepared for grief, anger, defiance and moodiness. Prepare for the worst and hope and pray for the best!”

A parent who adopted a four-year-old from Ukraine added, “Make sure you are prepared and understand the true needs of an older child coming from a hurt place. Really be educated on the emotions, challenges, behaviors, attachment issues and loyalty issues (to biological family, country of birth) an older child may have when adopted. Make sure you know the delays a child may have even if the child is considered typical.”

ADOPTIVE FAMILIES DESCRIBE WHAT SUCCESS MEANS TO THEM

Parents who were interviewed in conjunction with several studies described what success meant to them in terms of their older child or teen’s adoption and what factors they believed contributed to the adoption’s success. Compare your notions of success about adoption with what these families had to say.

A slight majority of parents who adopted teenagers interviewed for a study conducted by Wright and Flynn published in 2006 characterized success as having a sense of normalcy in family life. These parents said they do the same things any family does (e.g. activities, celebrations). Many parents in the same study also described success as having a sense of emotional connectedness and love in their family.

For Wright and Flynn’s study and another conducted by the Children’s Bureau, parents were asked what factors contributed to the success of their older child or teen’s adoption. Common themes included:

• Commitment to the parent-child relationship²

• Having realistic expectations about the adoption³

• Viewing parenting as rewarding⁴

• Their parenting style (exhibiting flexibility and a sense of humor)⁵

Forty-four percent of the parents from the Wright and Flynn study said that they experienced emotional drain, tension and stress as a result of the adoption, but a majority reporting stress did not regret their decision to adopt.⁶

Many of the teens surveyed for the Wright and Flynn study considered their adoption a success because there was a feeling of family normalcy.⁷ Like the parents interviewed for the study, many of the teens also attributed success to their commitment to the parent-child relationship. In this study, 95 percent of the teens interviewed said that, in retrospect, adoption was the right choice. Eighty-six percent of the teens rated their adoption between seven and ten on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest ranking.

Wright and Flynn asked the teens to describe the worst aspect of adoption and many said missing biological family members and conflicts with their adoptive parents about rules and punishment. When asked what advice they would give other teens considering adoption, several recommended that others carefully consider their compatibility with a prospective adoptive parent or parents.

We asked several adoptive parents what the most rewarding aspect of adoption had been for them. One mother of three children with special medical needs said, “It is amazing to give a real life to children who otherwise will never have one—real siblings, love and nutrition.”

A parent of a girl with blindness and other special needs adopted at the age of four from Ukraine replied, “Seeing our girl grow and heal…and just the honor of being her parents.”

A third parent who, with her spouse, adopted an eight-year-old boy from foster care, replied: “The most rewarding part [of adopting] is seeing how far he’s come. He was in thirteen homes before ours, including three pre-adoptive homes which he had to leave due to his behavior. One former foster mom who we are still in contact with says she is still his “Nana” and tells me frequently that she can’t believe how well he is doing. She is a very experienced foster parent (having parented over one hundred kids), so that means a lot. “I would adopt my son again—it was worth all the hard work we put in to see how he is now and the awesome young man he is becoming.”

YOU’VE DECIDED TO ADOPT AN OLDER CHILD; NOW WHAT?

After you’ve done your research and have decided older child adoption is right for you and your family, you need to decide whether to adopt domestically or internationally, what type of agency you want to work with and what type of child (age, needs, background, nationality) you want to adopt. There are some factors to help you decide whether US or international adoption is best for you.

DOMESTIC OLDER CHILD ADOPTION	INTERNATIONAL OLDER CHILD ADOPTION
Very inexpensive, public subsidies available	Agency fees are higher and no public subsidies from county or state
Possible contact with biological family	Most likely no contact with biological family
Adequate information about child’s biological family and family history	May not receive accurate (or any) information about child’s biological family or family history
Easy to get information about US child welfare system	Foreign child welfare systems confusing; must work with foreign agencies
Follow-up visits from agency to see how family is adjusting	May not receive follow-up visits or adequate post-adoption support from agency
Adequate background information about child’s medical history	Often cannot obtain accurate birth records or information about child’s medical history
You may be able to adopt a child from the same racial or ethnic background as you	All adoptions will be transcultural and/or transracial
May adopt from home county or state	Will need to travel a great distance to adopt your child, will need to pay travel costs and take time off from work to process the adoption abroad
Post-adoption services available through county or state	Agency may not offer adequate post-adoption services for families adopting internationally
No post-adoption self-reporting requirements	May need to submit follow-up reports to foreign agency or government
Waiting time for pre-adoptive training and home study may be lengthy	Agency may be more parent-friendly; waiting time for training and home study is minimal