Читать книгу The Complete Parenting Collection - Steve Biddulph, Steve Biddulph - Страница 42

Boys feel insecure and in danger if there isn’t enough structure in a situation. If no-one is in charge, they begin jostling with each other to establish a pecking order. Their testosterone-driven make-up leads them to want to set up hierarchies, but they can’t always do so because they are all the same age. If we provide structure, then they can relax. For girls, this is not so much of a problem.

Many years ago I spent time in the slums of Calcutta to learn about families there. At first glance, Calcutta seemed chaotic and frightening. In fact, though, there were ganglords and neighbourhood hierarchies – and these, for better or worse, provided a structure for people to live their lives. You were safer with a structure – even a mafialike structure – than with none. As a better structure was provided by religious or community leaders who were trustworthy and competent, life improved. Wherever you see a gang of boys looking unruly, you know the adult leadership is failing. Boys form gangs for survival – it’s their attempt to have a sense of belonging, order and safety.

Boys act tough to cover up their fear. If someone is clearly the boss, they relax. But the boss must not be erratic or punitive. If the person in charge is a bully, the boys’ stress levels rise and it’s back to the law of the jungle. If the teacher, scoutmaster or parent is kind and fair (as well as being strict), then boys will drop their ‘macho’ act and get on with learning.

This seems to be an in-built gender difference. If girls are anxious in a group setting they tend to cower and be quiet, whereas boys respond by running about and making a lot of noise. This has been mistakenly seen as boys ‘dominating the space’ in preschools, and so on. However, it is actually an anxiety response. Schools which are very good at engaging boys in interesting and concrete activities (such as Montessori schools, where there is a lot of structural work with blocks, shapes, beads and so on) do not experience this gender difference in children’s behaviour.

Not everyone accepts that hormones affect boys’ behaviour. Some feminist biologists have argued that men have testosterone through conditioning – that it comes from being raised that way. There is actually a partial truth in this: one study found that boys in scary or violent school environments produced more testosterone. When the same school introduced a more supportive environment – where teachers did not abuse or threaten, where bullying was tackled with special programs – the boys’ levels of testosterone dropped measurably. So environment and biology both play a part, but environment only influences the hormone. Nature – and boys’ inbuilt calendar – creates it. Success with boys means accepting their nature while directing it in good ways. If you know what you are dealing with, it’s a whole lot easier and you don’t need to blame anyone – just help them find a better way.