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Around the World in a Sight-Seeing Air Bus in 1950

The Man at the Gangway.... All aboard, please, all aboard! Five Dollars for the Entire Trip! All aboard! Vacant seats still in the forward saloon, sir, yes, sir. Yes, ma’am, lunch is served on board. All in! All aboard! (Clang! Clang! The gates shut, the doors slide, the bell rings, the whistle blows. Whiz!! The air bus is off....)

Voice of the Rubber Neck Announcer.... Now, then, ladies and gentlemen, we are about to cross the Atlantic Ocean. During the next half hour you will enjoy the unique sensation of being entirely out of sight of land. Looking now from either the side or rear windows of this saloon, and directing your gaze downwards, you will perceive the actual waters of the Atlantic, 3,000 feet below us. Looking closely, you will observe a ruffled or mottled appearance of the water. This is the waves. At the present time what used to be called a storm or gale is moving over the Atlantic. In the romantic days of our grandfathers the passage of the Atlantic demanded an entire week....

Voice of the Attendant (interrupting as he passes through the car).... First Call for Lunch! Lunch served while passing over Europe. First Call for Lunch!

Announcer (continuing).... The celebrated Christopher Columbus, who was the first Italian to cross the Atlantic, is said to have taken more than a fortnight to make the transit. Looking below now, we can just catch a distant glimpse of the Azores Islands, lying like gems of gold in a sapphire sea.

Vociferous Boy (passing through the alley way of the air saloon).... Cigars! Cigarettes, candies, chewing gum!

Announcer.... We are now circling across the famous Bay of Biscay and rapidly approaching the coast of Cornwall, the Land’s End of England.

Saloon Waiter in White.... Second call for lunch! Lunch ready in the dining saloon! Second call for lunch.

The Announcer.... If you look now from the left windows of the saloon you will see the coast of Cornwall. We are now passing over the South of England; the seaport just left behind is Plymouth; two minutes away is Portsmouth.—London? No, lady, not for three minutes yet.

Vociferous Boy.... Cigars, cigarettes, candies, chewing gum!

Announcer.... Look below you, ladies and gentlemen, and you will now see the city of London. Our speed is now slackened down to five miles a minute and we descend to an elevation of one thousand feet, so as to afford all passengers a full view of Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s Cathedral, and the other sights of London.... There you see St. Paul’s! Notice the roaring sound we make in going past it. That other noise on the right side is Westminster Abbey. That whizzing sound below us is the Bank of England——

Lady Passenger (to her Husband).... Well, I’m certainly glad to have seen Westminster Abbey. I don’t think anybody’s education is complete without seeing it. Didn’t you feel a kind of thrill when you heard it go by?

Polite Passenger Across the Aisle.... Is this your first trip around the world, ma’am?

The Lady.... Yes, it’s our first. I’ve just been dying to go for a long time, but of course my husband is always so busy that it’s hard for him to get the time. You see it takes a whole day.

Polite Passenger.... They say the new line of air boats are to do it in half a day. That will make a big difference. And yet I think I like this slower line better. After all, there’s nothing like taking things easy.

Announcer.... Coast of Germany! ... Berlin! ... Poland! Warsaw!

Vociferous Boy.... Cigars, cigarettes, candies, chewing gum!

Husband.... So that was Germany, eh? Much flatter than I thought. And Poland looks a good deal yellower than I had supposed. Nothing like foreign travel for clearing up your ideas. I don’t think you can understand foreign nations in any real sense without actually seeing them.

Saloon Attendant.... Last call for Lunch!

Announcer.... Here you see the wide plains of Russia, a vast expanse that it takes us twenty minutes to cross. The city that went past four seconds ago is Jefferson City, formerly called Leningrad and before that Petrograd and in early history, St. Petersburg.

Restless Child Among the Passengers. Mother, may I run up and down the aisle?

No, dear.

May I go and climb up the ladder to the top deck?

No, dear, you might fall off.

May I go and see where they cook?

No, dear.

Well, mother, what can I do?

The Courteous Traveler.... It gets a little monotonous for the children, doesn’t it, this part of the voyage?

The Lady.... Yes, indeed. Where are we?

The Courteous Gentleman.... Over Central Asia and of course just here there’s nothing to see—just the Ural Mountains, and Turkestan, and Samarkand, and the Desert of Gobi.

The Announcer.... In passing over the Desert of Gobi, to mitigate the tedium of the trip, we now turn on the radio and allow the passengers to listen to the latest world news coming over the waves.

The Radio (in its Deep Guttural Tones, Without Hurry).... New York, ten-thirty a.m. International Oil, 40; International Air, 62; International Fire, 81——

The Husband of the Lady.... Gee! International Fire up to 81!

The Radio (continuing).... St. Louis nothing, New York nothing: Boston one, Chicago nothing ...

The Courteous Gentleman.... It’s pleasant, isn’t it, to keep in touch like this with the news of the world? It prevents the trip getting monotonous.

The Radio.... Bandits rob Chicago bank. ... Bandits kidnap teller in Denver.... Bandits explode bomb in Detroit.... Bandits steal babies from Maternity Hospital ... Bandits ...

The Gentleman.... Yes, it’s nice to feel that the comfortable old world is still close all around us.

Announcer.... China! ... Looking below you can see, if you look quickly, a Chinese rebellion. ... The army of General Ping Pong will be seen in four seconds on the right.... The army of General Ham is attacking it.... By the courtesy of the company, our ship will drop bombs at the expense of the company on either General Ping or General Ham ...

The Restless Child.... Oh, ma! Can I see the bombs dropped?

Yes, darling, look close and you’ll see.

The Gentleman with the Lady. How do they arrange about the bombing?

The Courteous Traveler. Oh, it’s done by the International Friendship Committee, but, of course, the company has to bear the expense.... Ah! I think that one hit General Ping Pong’s munitions dump!

Vociferous Boy.... Cigars! Cigarettes, candies, chewing gum!

Announcer. China.... City of Pekin.... The Yellow Sea.... Japan.... Tokio....

The Radio.... Philadelphia nothing, Cleveland nothing!

The Saloon Attendant.... Tea served in the forward compartment—afternoon tea.

Announcer.... The Pacific Ocean! ... Kamskatska! ... The Aleutian Isles.... Alaska. ... You are now again in sight of the United States!

All the Passengers. Hooray! Hooray!

The Gentleman with the Lady.... Feels good, don’t it, to get back again in sight of the old flag!

The Announcer.... The Rocky Mountains. ... British Columbia.... Western Canada.

All the British Passengers.... Hooray! Hooray!

Vociferous Boy.... Cigars, cigarettes!

Radio.... Boston nothing.

Attendant.... Last Call!

Radio.... Oil eighty.... St. Louis nothing. ... Bandits ... murder.

Announcer.... Reëntering the United States. ... All hand bags ready, please.... Kindly get ready for customs officers, immigration officers, prohibition officers, revenue officers. All persons who haven’t paid income tax will be thrown out.... Persons not on the quota kindly jump off into the air. Gangway, please. All out!

All the Passengers (in a babel of talk).... Well, good-by! Good-by! It’s been a great trip. ... It certainly has.... And remember, if ever you come to Cincinnati.... I certainly will, and if you ever come to Toronto.... Well, good-by! Good-by!