Читать книгу Watering my Crown - Sunshinegoldenchild . - Страница 11

Let’s go back

THIS PART OF THE BOOK WAS THE HARDEST TO WRITE AND IS THE MAIN REASON WHY IT TOOK ME SO MANY YEARS TO FINALLY FINISH IT. NOT ONLY IS IT DIFFICULT TO REALLY LOOK INTO YOURSELF AND RELIVE YOUR MOST HEARTBREAKING MEMORIES, THAT YOU BURIED SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE OF YOU, FAR AWAY FROM YOUR DAILY THOUGHTS WITH THE HOPE THAT ONE DAY THEY’LL JUST DISSOLVE… BUT THE CONSTANT INTERNAL DEBATE ON HOW MUCH I REALLY WANT TO PUT OUT THERE TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD, IS WHAT HELD ME BACK FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I DON’T WANT MY FAMILY READING CERTAIN THINGS AND BEING CARRIED BACK TO A TIME THAT CAUSED US TO SEPARATE, NOW – YEARS LATER – WHEN WE ARE TRYING TO MEND BACK WHAT ONCE BELONGED TOGETHER. I DON’T WANT MY HUSBAND LOOKING AT ME IN ANOTHER LIGHT WHEN HE LEARNS SOME MORE DETAILS OF MY STORY THAT I TRIED TO COVER UP FOR SO LONG BEING ASHAMED. I DON’T WANT MY FRIENDS TO THINK I AM ANY LESS OF THE STRONG WOMAN I SHOW MYSELF OFF TO BE. I HELD ONTO MY STORY FOR A VERY LONG TIME. EVEN THOUGH I OFTEN WROTE ABOUT IT, I KIND OF WROTE „AROUND“ IT, USING DETACHING METAPHORIC LANGUAGE AS IN MY POEMS. ALLUDING AND ALLEDGING RATHER THAN OPENLY POINTING FINGERS.

But I don’ ŧ want to feel shame anymore, I am who I am despite and because of my stor y .

I DECIDED TO SHARE SOME CONTEXT IN THIS BOOK, SO IT BECOMES MORE RELATABLE, BUT THIS BOOK IS NOT A MEMOIR WHERE I TELL MY LIFE STORY. IT JUST HIGHLIGHTS SOME OF MY MOST PAINFUL MOMENTS WHICH LED ME TO THE DARK PLACE I WAS IN FOR SO LONG AND MY WAY BACK TO LIGHT, BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO LOVE. I DON’T WANT TO BORE

YOU WITH TOO MANY DETAILS BUT PAINT THE SCENE FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE ROAD I’VE TRAVELED. AT SOME PARTS YOU MAY FIND THAT I TOO QUICKLY BRUSHED OVER THE DETAILS AND MAYBE THAT IS TRUE BUT THAT IS NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE LESS IMPORTANT BUT BECAUSE THIS HERE IS NOT MY DIARY SO I DON’T WANT TO REVEAL ALL DEBTS TO THE STORIES.

Nonetheless, these next pages are very personal and I hope you read with eyes of compassion rather than judgment.

FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER OF BEING A TEENAGER I WENT THROUGH PHASES OF BATTLING WITH DEPRESSION WHICH LASTED FROM A FEW DAYS UP TO SEVERAL MONTHS AT A TIME, BEFORE CATCHING MYSELF AGAIN. „DEPRESSION“ ISA TERM I PURPOSELY DO NOT WANT TO TRY AND DEFINE BECAUSE IT FEELS AND LOOKS SO DIFFERENT FROM PERSON TO PERSON AND I CAN ONLY SPEAK ON MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I DON’T KNOW IF DEPRESSION RUNS IN MY GENETICS OR IF IT IS THE RESULT OF THE TRAUMA ENDURED TOGETHER AS A FAMILY, BUT IT IS EASY TO SEE THAT ALL FOUR OF US STRUGGLE WITH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. MY SISTER’S STORY IS PROBABLY THE MOST TRAGIC BUT THIS IS A WHOLE NEW BOOK.

IT IS NOT AS EASY AS I THOUGHT TO REACH BACK AND MENTALLY RELIVE SOME OF THESE FEELINGS AND IMAGES THAT I CAREFULLY HAD STORED FAR AWAY FROM MY CONSCIOUS MIND THAT THESE DAYS THANKFULLY TRAVELS THROUGH HAPPIER FREQUENCIES. BUT FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING DOWN MY STORY, I HAD TO GO DOWN MEMORY LANE, SO I OPENED MY OLD DIARIES (THOSE WHICH SURVIVED). I USED TO KEEP A DIARY FOR EVERY „TOPIC“ OR PERSON THAT HAD A BIG IMPACT ON MY LIFE. I STILL DO THIS UP TO THIS DAY‚JOURNALING REALLY KEEPS ME SANE. READING THEM BACK NOWAND BEING ABLE TO SO VIVIDLY

REMEMBER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED, MAKES ME WONDER HOW FAR HAVE I REALLY COME, HOW DOES ALL THIS STILL FEEL SO FRESH?

I EVEN FOUND A LIST OF „THINGS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH WHEN I BECOME A GROWN-UP“ AND NUMBER 3 ON THAT LIST IS „PUBLISH A SELF-WRITTEN BOOK“. I MUST HAVE BEEN ELEVEN OR TWELVE YEARS OLD WHEN I WROTE THAT DOWN AND SEEING THAT RIGHT NOW IN WRITTEN FORM REALLY MOTIVATES ME TO WORK THROUGH THESE HIDDEN LAYERS OF MY STORY AND UNPACK MY TRAUMA TO BRING IT ALL TOGETHER IN ONE COMPILED PIECE OF WORK: MY FIRST OWN BOOK.

I OWE IT TO MY YOUNGER SELF. I WROTE A LOT ABOUT HEARTBREAK, ABOUT FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD AND THE DISAPPOINTMENT FROM FRIENDSHIPS WHICH I THOUGHT WERE MORE THAN WHAT THEY ACTUALLY WERE.

GROWING OLDER INTO MY TEEN YEARS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE HOW I GLIDED IN AND OUT OF DEPRESSION BUT I NEVER CALLED IT THAT BECAUSE BACK THEN I DIDN’T KNOW THE MEANING OF THAT WORD YET WHICH MADE IT THAT MUCH WORSE FOR ME AT THE TIME. IJUST FELT BROKEN. USELESS. AND UNDESERVING OF LOVE.

NOTHING MATTERED. I WAS NOT IN MY BODY… I WAS LIKE A GHOST OF MYSELF. FOR WEEKS I WOULD COMPLETELY ISOLATE MYSELF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND STAY TO MYSELF, WHICH WILL BE HARD TO IMAGINE FOR THOSE WHO „KNOW“ ME BECAUSE I’D BE DESCRIBED AS A „PEOPLE’S PERSON“ AND NORMALLY EVEN I WOULD SUBSCRIBE TO THAT. WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE TIMES WHEN MY DARKNESS, HOW I CALL IT, OVERCOMES ME. IT HAPPENS SUDDENLY AND USUALLY WITHOUT WARNING OR ANY BIG EVENT TRIGGERING IT AND THEREFORE BEING COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED.

I HAD PLENTY OF THOSE TIMES DURING MY SCHOOL YEARS. I HATED GOING TO SCHOOL, NOT REALLY BECAUSE OF STUDYING OR ANYTHING – BUT BECAUSE OF THE PEOPLE THERE. THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL I WENT TO WAS IN A SMALL TYPICALLY GERMAN SUBURB WITH ME BEING ONE OF THE FIVE GIRLS OF COLOR IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL (NEXT TO MY YOUNGER ((WAY LIGHTER)) SISTER, TWO ADOPTED DARKER MELANATED SISTERS FROM BRAZIL AND MY BEST FRIEND WHO GREW TO BECOME MY SISTER, A VIETNAMESE GIRL). I ALWAYS FELT LIKE AN OUTCAST AND AS IF I DID NOT BELONG.

I went through several racist instances, from name-calling on the bus to a group of kids holding me down in gym class, rubbing magnesium powder in my face „so I can finally be white“.

I WAS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO BE LIKED BY EVERYBODY SO BEING SHUT OUT AND GETTING TEASED FELT LIKE A CONSTANT PUNISHMENT. I CRIED A LOT AND KEPT ASKING MYSELF „WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?“ AND THE ONLY ONE IN MY CORNER WAS MY VIETNAMESE FRIEND WHO BASICALLY GOT THE SAME TREATMENT. BUT WE NEVER REALLY SPOKE ABOUT HOW WE FELT, AT LEAST NOT IN DETAIL. IJUST LEARNED TO BECOME TOUGHER AND WHEN IT WAS TIME TO GO TO SECONDARY SCHOOL I WAS EQUIPPED WITH A WHOLE NEW „DON’T FUCK WITH ME“ ATTITUDE. I BECAME SO (FAKE) CONFIDENT THAT NO ONE EVEN DARED TO TEST ME AND WHEN THEY DID I’D BE QUICK TO GO OFF. I WAS NOT SHY TO HIT ANYBODY EITHER SO PEOPLE REALLY DID NOT MESS WITH ME (OPENLY).

I’D STILL CRY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS BECAUSE I KNEW I HAD NO REAL FRIENDS EITHER. MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND COULD NOT FOLLOW ME TO THIS SCHOOL BECAUSE IN GERMANY TEACHERS DECIDE AFTER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHETHER YOU CAN GO TO THE HIGHER EDUCATION SCHOOL WHICH

WILL EVENTUALLY OPEN THE DOORS TO UNIVERSITY TO YOU OR IF THEY THINK YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF IN A SCHOOL THAT ENDS EARLIER AND THAT LEADS TO „SIMPLER PROFESSIONS“ AND TRADES.

IN THE BEGINNING, I STILL RAN BEHIND THE OTHER KIDS TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS BUT AFTER A WHILE, I JUST STAYED TO MYSELF. THERE WAS THIS GROUP OF BULLY BOYS WHO CONSTANTLY MADE FUN OF ME BASICALLY FOR BEING DIFFERENT – THE ONLY „FOREIGN-LOOKING“ GIRL. NOBODY REALLY STOPPED THEM UNTIL ONE DAY, THIS GIRL IN MY CLASS DEFENDED ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY WHO THEN EVENTUALLY BECAME MY NEW BEST FRIEND AND CLOSEST ALLY. WE WERE VERY DIFFERENT AND COULDN’T RELATE TOO MUCH TO EACHOTHER BUT SHE WAS A TRUE FRIEND AND MADE SCHOOL A LITTLE MORE ENJOYABLE.

I always daydreamed about life after school, how I would move away, I wanted to live the „good life“ in America like the girls from „The Hills“.

I KNOW THIS IS AN EMBARRASSING METAPHOR BUT IN MY VILLAGE, THE INTERNET WAS SO SLOW THAT IT WOULD NOT EVEN LOAD A YOUTUBE MUSIC VIDEO, SO ALL I HAD WERE THE DVD’S THAT I WOULD BUY FROM THE BIG STORE WHICH WAS SIMILAR TO WALMART IN AMERICA. I HAD ALL THE DVD’S FROM OC CALIFORNIA, TO GOSSIP GIRL (…) BUT THE MOVIES THAT REALLY INFLUENCED ME WERE THE ONES THAT SHOWED „BLACK AMERICAN HIP HOP CULTURE“ – NOW THAT WAS SOMETHING I COULD IDENTIFY WITH. MOVIES LIKE „STREETSTYLE YOU GOT SERVED“, „HONEY“ OR EVEN OLD SCHOOL ONES LIKE „LOVE AND BASKETBALL“ AND „SAVE THE LAST DANCE” – THEY WERE ALL PART OF MY COLLECTION. IT WAS LIKE A WINDOW TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD THAT SEEMED SO FARAWAY FROM ME.

THE PEOPLE IN MY VILLAGE OR SCHOOL WERE SO DIFFERENT FROM ME, I’M NOT SOCIALLY AWKWARD AT ALL, I CAN ACTUALLY CONNECT WITH ANYBODY THAT I WANT TO, BUT I JUST DIDNOT WANT TO AFTER A WHILE. MOST WEREJUST SO PLAIN AND BORING TO ME. MAJORITY OF MY FRIENDS LIVED IN THE BIGGER CITIES, MEANING THAT I ALWAYS NEEDED MONEY FOR THE TRAIN TO VISIT BECAUSE THEY BARELY MADE IT TO MY LITTLE BORING VILLAGE AND I CAN’T BLAME THEM. I REMEMBER ONE OF MY HAPPIEST DAYS BEING MY l8TH BIRTHDAY WHEN MY GRANDFATHER AND I WENT TO THE DMV EARLY IN THE MORNING TO PICK UP MY DRIVERS LICENSE AND COMING HOME TO THE BEST PRESENT EVER: MY GRANDMOTHER GIFTED ME THEIR OLD (BUT BARELY EVER USED) CAR WHICH BECAME MY TICKET TO FREEDOM.

I MADE MORE AND MORE FRIENDS, PEOPLE WHO WERE ALSO PART OF „THE CULTURE“ AND ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS „PARTY PARTY PARTY“, STARTING THURSDAYS AND GOING STRAIGHT UNTIL MONDAY MORNINGS. I WAS INFATUATED WITH THE NIGHTLIFE WHICH WAS ALL ABOUT „BEING SEEN“, LIGHTS AND „BLING“. WE HAD A LOT OF „AMERICAN CLUBS“ AROUND DUE TO THE MANY US ARMY BASES IN THE AREA AND THOSE CLUBS WERE WHERE IT WAS AT. LIFE FINALLY BEGAN FEELING A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT WHAT I HAD SEEN IN THOSE MOVIES.

I glowed up. But I also become more obsessed with my looks. I started dressing more provocatively, I attracted a lot of male attention and I loved it.

GUYS WERE SO THIRSTY TO TALK TO ME AND IT FELT EMPOWERING TO ME, LIKE FINALLY I SEEMED TO BE THE ONE IN CONTROL. I HAD JUST BROKEN UP WITH MY FIRST LOVE (WHO I WILL TALK ABOUT LATER AS WELL) AND WANTED TO TASTE FREEDOM.

THE LAST THING I WANTED WAS TO BE TIED DOWN TO ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. I SKIPPED SCHOOL A LOT AND SOON IT BECAME HARD FOR ME TO BALANCE IT ALL BUT ALL I CARED ABOUT WAS THIS NEW LIFE I FOUND AND THE EXCITEMENT THAT CAME WITH IT.

THEN I MET TRU.

"I am not a typical American soldier", he said. "And I hope you are not one of these typical German whores".

WE FELL IN LOVE QUICKLY, THE BUTTERFLIES WERE INTENSE BUT IT WAS A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE, WE BOTH DID NOT WANT TO BE IN A COMMITED RELATIONSHIP (AT FIRST) DUE TO TRUST ISSUES, BUT WE ALSO COULD NOT STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. WE FOUGHT A LOT AND HE KEPT REBUKING ME FOR BEING A “TYPICAL LIGHT-SKINNED PRETTY GIRL" – WHATEVER THAT MEANT – AND KEPT TELLING ME HOW I WASN’T "WIFEY MATERIAL” BECAUSE HE MET ME IN THE CLUB AND ALWAYS CALLED ME "PARTY GIRL".

THIS ALWAYS REALLY BOTHERED ME BECAUSE IN MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP I WAS ALWAYS PRAISED FOR BEING THE "WIFEY TYPE" AND I KIND OF TOOK PRIDE IN THAT AND ALWAYS THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS A GOOD GIRL.

WHY WAS HE BLAMING ME FOR HAVING A LITTLE FUN AFTER GETTING OUT OF A FIVE YEARS RELATIONSHIP AND WHY COULD HE NOT SEE PAST MY LOOKS? AND WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY LOOKS, I NEVER CARRIED MYSELF IN A SLUTTY WAY?!

I KNEW HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME THOUGH, BUT HE WAS CLEARLY FIGHTING IT, HE NEVER FULLY GAVE HIS HEART TO ME. SO THERE WERE A LOT OF MIXED MESSAGES AND BACK AND FORTH.

MY BEST FRIEND AT THE TIME, ESTHER, SAW WHAT WAS

GOING ON AND SHE BASICALLY FORCED ME TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. SHE ALWAYS REASSURED ME WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING GIRL I WAS, TRIED TO BUILD UP MY CONFIDENCE AND SAID THAT I DESERVED A MAN WHO WOULD BE PROUD TO BE MY MAN AND NOT KEEP ME AS HIS "SEXY SECRET". SHE GAVE ME THE ENCOURAGEMENT TO REALLY LEAVE HIM AFTER ABOUT 15 VERY INTENSE MONTHS.

HE TRIED EVERYTHING TO WIN ME BACK, EVEN PROPOSED TO ME WITH A RING THAT NEARLY TOOK MY BREATH.

SO I GOT BACK WITH HIM AND AS A RESULT, LOST MY BEST FRIEND WHO HAD ENOUGH OF MY LOVE DRAMA. I CRIED FOR WEEKS BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOUR FAMILY ISN’T ALWAYS BLOOD-RELATED BUT SHE KEPT IGNORING ME.

I LATER FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS FIGHTING HER OWN BATTLES IN SILENCE AND WOULD HAVE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR HER BUT I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN HIM THAT I DID NOT SEE IT. I WASN’T A GOOD FRIEND TO HER.

Then he got deployed to Iraq which changed everything. The war destroyed him and us.

A FRIEND OF MINE WHO I HAD FALLEN OUT WITH AND WANTED REVENGE TOLD HIM THAT WHILE HE’S OUT THERE I WAS OVER HERE WITH A NEXT MAN AND HE FELL FOR IT. WELL, HE NEVER TRUSTED ME TO BEGIN WITH. ALL MY TEARS AND PLEAS DID NOT HELP.

HE HAD A WAY WITH HIS WORDS THAT CAN CUT OPEN. HE MADE ME FEEL SO SMALL AND WORTHLESS, REALLY MADE ME BELIEVE LIKE I WAS NOT DESERVING OF LOVE, ESPECIALLY NOT HIS.

HE BROKE MY HEART AND I FELT LIKE MY WHOLE WORLD WAS FALLING APART.

… so I decided to make a big move.