Читать книгу Saying 'Yes!' to the Boss - Susan Mallery - Страница 14

The doctor’s waiting room was bright, with beautiful prints of mothers holding babies and happy toddlers with balloons or kittens. The seats were comfortable, the music, soft and inspiring. Still it took every ounce of willpower for Noelle to stay in the chair and not run screaming into the night. Or in this case, the early afternoon.

“You’re fidgeting,” Dev said as he flipped through a parenting magazine.

“I’m nervous. I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t feel pregnant. I guess the truth hasn’t sunk in. Plus, I’m terrified. I don’t want there to be anything wrong with the baby. But I’m not sure I even really get there is a baby. Still, I want him or her to be healthy and I know millions and millions of women have done this before, so what’s the big deal. It’s like the circle of life in The Lion King, right?”

Dev stared at her. “You’re quoting a cartoon?”

“One works with what one has.”

“I don’t know that I’d go with that, but okay.” He took her hand and gently squeezed her fingers. “I know you’re scared and this is all new. Just remember—you’re not in this alone, and yes, millions of other couples have gone through it, including our parents.”

“I know. When I finally tell my mom, she’ll be full of great advice. She had four babies in six years. Talk about a pro. She…” Noelle glanced at him. “You never talk about your parents.”

“There’s not that much to say,” he told her. “My mom died when I was sixteen. A previously undiagnosed heart condition. What she had isn’t genetic—it was just one of those things.” He hesitated. “My dad had never been the responsible parent. He lasted about six weeks after her death, then took off. I never knew why, but now, looking back, I think it was guilt.”

“About what?”

“How he treated her. She loved him more than I’d ever seen anyone love another person. She lived for him. She was great to Jimmy and me, but he had her heart. Everything changed the second he came home. Her smile was bright, her laughter easier. But he stayed gone a lot and when he wasn’t there, she moved around like a shadow or a ghost. They used to fight about that—about him staying away so much. He wasn’t one to take responsibility. He spent a lot of time hanging out with his friends and other people.”

Other people? “You think he had affairs?”

Dev shrugged. “Maybe. I saw him with someone once, but he said she was the wife of a friend and he was helping her shop for her husband. I was never sure I believed him. After my mother died, I told him I’d never forgive him for killing her.”

Noelle frowned. “You said it was a problem with her heart.”

“It was, but I think she was happy to go because she’d lived her whole life loving someone who wouldn’t love her back. Then he left—abandoned his family.”

Dev was the most logical, practical person she knew. For him to say his mother, in essence, died of a broken heart, shocked her.

Equally difficult for her was the fact that he’d lost both parents within a few weeks of each other. Whatever problems his father might have had, how could he have abandoned his two sons?

“My grandfather moved right into the house,” Dev said. “He was pushing seventy, but that didn’t stop him from doing all the things our dad had never done—like playing ball and coming to school games and stuff. He always had time for me.”

“He loved you,” she said, seeing the truth in Dev’s eyes.

“He was a good man.”

Just like Dev, she thought, knowing she didn’t ever have to worry about him walking out on her child. He was going to be there for both of them, no matter what.

When Dev had been twelve, he’d fallen out of a tree and had broken his arm so badly that part of the bone had stuck through the skin. There’d been enough blood to float a ship and, despite the pain, he hadn’t felt the least bit woozy. But when he and Noelle left the doctor’s office nearly forty minutes later, he had a bad feeling he was seconds from passing out.

They were both laden down with brochures, a couple of books, prescriptions for vitamins, reading lists and notes.

“I have a due date,” she said as she walked beside him down the hallway. “That’s good.”

“Yes, it is.”

“And she said everything is fine, so that makes me happy. It won’t be long until we can hear a heartbeat. That’s exciting.”

“Very.”

He concentrated on his breathing, knowing that passing out now wouldn’t help anyone.

“Of course there’s a lot to think about. I’m going to have to change my diet a little. And get more exercise. I mean I exercise a lot, but it’s casual—not organized. I hadn’t thought of prenatal yoga. I don’t think I’m that bendy, but I could try.”

“Trying would be good.”

There was only the main reception area of the women’s center, then they would be in the parking lot. Despite the summer heat, he couldn’t wait to get outside and away from all this.

“Dev?”

“Yes?”

“Are you as scared as I am?”

He glanced at Noelle and saw terror in her blue eyes. Her mouth trembled and she looked as ready to bolt as he felt.

He stopped and faced her. “Too much information?”

“Oh, yeah. And those diagrams. One of my friends talked about the birthing process as having too many fluids and I have to say, I agree with her.”

Some of his tension eased as he smiled. “You only have to do it,” he said. “I may have to watch.”

“Oh, sure. Because watching is so much worse than passing something the size of a bowling ball through something else the size of a pea.”

His smile turned into a grin. “I’m not ready for this, either. I knew you were pregnant, but until this appointment…” He wasn’t sure how to explain.

“The baby wasn’t real.”

“Right.”

She sighed. “For me, either. It was a concept. Kind of like knowing the holidays are coming, but avoiding malls and shopping. A baby. There’s going to be a real baby. I’m not ready for this. At least you’ve done it before.”

“I haven’t had a baby. Jimmy was six when my mother died and then my grandfather took over. I’m only responsible for the last ten years of life.”

Which had been, Dev acknowledged, a total disaster. If only he’d handled things differently, Jimmy wouldn’t be dead right now.

“So neither of us knows what we’re doing,” she said as she started walking toward the foyer. “I hope no one tells the baby.”

As they walked toward the exit, he spotted a large open kiosk filled with different brochures.

“Maybe they have some information over there,” he said, turning in that direction.

“Or classes,” Noelle said. “We could take a class. That would be great. I helped my mom with Tiffany a lot, but I don’t remember very much of it.”

They each started grabbing brochures. Noelle spotted a clipboard.

“Here’s a parenting seminar for kids of all ages. Oh, look. The baby one’s starting in a couple of weeks. We could take that.”

“Sign me up,” Dev said, wanting to take all of them right now. He could still hear Jimmy yelling at him that he wasn’t his father, and then running out of the house.

Dev had tried, but his best had fallen way short of his brother’s needs. Even after the fact, looking back, he couldn’t figure out where he’d gone so wrong. He was determined not to repeat those mistakes with Noelle’s baby, but if he didn’t know what they were, how could he avoid them?

They left the center and headed toward the parking lot. Ten feet from Dev’s car, Noelle came to a stop and looked at him.

“I can’t do this,” she said frantically. “I mean I really can’t. I’m not ready to have a baby. I’m too young and inexperienced. I’m panicking. You need to talk me down.”

“I’m older and I’m panicked, too, so get in line.”

“What? But you’re so together.”

“Not about this,” he told her.

They stared at each other. Between them, they probably had every brochure ever printed on the subject of child birth and child rearing. They each had a couple of books, along with lists of resources.

She drew in a deep breath. “Okay, so we should probably calm down. The baby won’t be here for seven more months. We’re smart and capable. We can prepare.”

Her words made sense. “Plus it won’t expect much when it’s born. Food, clean diapers, a place to sleep.”

“Exactly. So we’re fine.”

They dropped their bags, brochures and lists into the trunk then got into the car. Before he started the engine, he glanced at her.

“How many classes did you sign us up for?” he asked.

“I think three. Maybe four. They’ll call to confirm.”

“There were three baby classes?”

She cleared her throat. “Well, no. One of them was for toddlers, but I thought…”

The panic faded and when it did, reason returned. One corner of his mouth twitched and he imagined what they must have looked like, frantically grabbing every brochure and stuffing them into bags.

“Good thing they don’t charge for the literature,” he said, fighting laughter.

Her eyes brightened with humor. “That would be some bill. I’d have to go back to work.”

“Or we could sell some furniture.”

They were both smiling now. She started to chuckle.

“Okay, I’ll admit it—I totally lost it. But you did, too.”

He held up both hands. “I agree. I am not ready to be a father.”

“Same here. The idea of a child using the ‘m’ word gives me the willies.”

He stared into her beautiful face and touched her cheek. “You’ll be a great mom. You have all the qualities.”

“Thanks. I feel the same way about you being a dad.”

Before he could tell her he’d already failed at that, she added, “If I had to totally freak out over this, I’m glad it was with you.”

“Me, too.”

There was something about her smile and the way she gazed at him. Something that drew him closer until, without planning the move, he pressed his mouth against hers.

The kiss started out simply enough. Just lips touching. He continued to stroke her cheek, but that was okay because he meant it to be a friendly, comforting gesture. Nothing about the action was supposed to be sexual.

Then she shifted closer and tilted her head slightly. The invitation was clear and irresistible. Fire exploded inside him, fueled by a need that he could barely contain.

Before he could tell himself he shouldn’t, he touched his tongue to her lower lip. Even as she put her hands on his shoulders, she parted for him.

Despite his growing desire, he moved slowly, wanting to give her time to back away, or at least give him a good hard slap. He traced the inside of her lower lip, feeling her smooth skin and tasting her sweetness. When she didn’t pull back, he gently touched the tip of her tongue with his.

Delicious, exquisite torture, Noelle thought as Dev leisurely deepened their kiss. If she’d been a little more sure of herself, she would have taken things into her own hands, so to speak, but this was their first real kiss and as he’d been the one to initiate it, she figured he could set the pace.

In a way, moving so slowly was good. It gave her time to explore his shoulders and back, to feel the lean muscles there, and the heat of his body. She could breathe in the scent of him and imagine what it would be like if they kept on kissing.

At last he swept into her mouth and claimed her. She sighed in appreciation as he explored her mouth, leaving behind excited tingling everywhere he touched. One of his hands dropped to her shoulder, the other settled on her waist where the weight was oddly unsettling. She had the oddest urge to move closer and maybe nudge his hand higher. She was so shocked to realize that she wanted his hand on her bare breast that she pulled back.

They stared at each other. His dark eyes were bright with a light she hadn’t seen before. Passion, she wondered. Did he desire her?

What was up with her body? She’d kissed before—lots of times. But she couldn’t recalling feeling quite so…melty afterward. And the breast thing? Where had that come from? Jimmy had been the first. It hadn’t been that big a deal. She’d never imagined feeling his fingers on her bare skin.

Just the thought made her break out in goose bumps. As she rubbed her bare arms she realized that the light was fading in Dev’s eyes. It was replaced by something that looked like concern…or worse…second thoughts.

He was going to apologize, she thought desperately. No. She couldn’t stand that. The kiss had been too good.

“I’m starved,” she said with a bright smile. “It’s nearly noon. Do you have time to grab lunch before you head back to work?”

He blinked at the change of topic. For a second she thought he was going to push forward and insist on discussing the kiss, but then he smiled.

“Sure. What are you in the mood for?”

A week later, Noelle sat in Dev’s study and pretended to review her calculus homework. He’d brought home a few reports he’d needed to look at before morning, so she’d joined him on the pretext of finishing up her homework.

In truth, she’d already finished, but she’d wanted to hang out with him and couldn’t think of another excuse. Something had changed between them, at least for her, and she was still trying to figure out what it was.

She could pinpoint the exact date everything had shifted—it had been the afternoon of her first doctor’s appointment. Sometimes she thought it was because he’d kissed her in a way she’d never been kissed before. Not that the style was all that different—it was more her own reaction that was keeping her up nights. Other times she told herself that while the kiss was nice, it didn’t mean all that much. The real bonding had occurred over their shared revelation that they were really having a baby together. That this situation was about more than logistics and details—that there would be another life involved.

They’d laughed together, panicked together and had found comfort in sharing the experience.

Whatever the cause, Dev was no longer just Jimmy’s older brother, the man who was being kind to her in desperate circumstances. He was his own person. Someone she liked and respected. Someone who could make her toes curl with a smile.

She had several dilemmas, she thought as she glanced up at him from her corner of his leather sofa. Had anything changed for him? Did he see her as only a problem to be solved, or was she a real person? She thought he liked her well enough, but she wanted more than that. She wanted him to find her sexy and attractive and exciting.

She sighed. She could rate attractive easily enough on a good day, but sexy and exciting weren’t words usually used around her.

There was also the age difference. She knew he was aware of it. So did he find her too young? She thought she was doing a good job of holding her own with him, but that was just from her perspective. So what did he think?

Her mother had always told her it was much better to ask than wonder, that being straightforward was the best way to make a relationship work. The advice seemed sound, but the thought of putting it into practice terrified her. Wishing and dreaming were totally safe. Acting was something else entirely.

What if he completely rejected her? What if he thought she was stupid? What if he laughed at her?

Dev looked up and caught her staring at him. He raised his dark eyebrows. “What?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“It’s something. You were scowling.”

She grinned. “I do not scowl. It’s not ladylike and I was brought up to be a lady.”

“Fine. You were pensive. Want to tell me why?”

She bit down on her lower lip and wondered if she had the courage to be honest. Or at least semihonest. “I was wondering about the other women in your life.”

The eyebrows went a little higher and he leaned back in his chair. “I take it the calculus homework isn’t challenging enough to keep your brain occupied.”

“Not tonight.”

“And the most interesting topic you could come up with was the women in my life?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You need to get out more.”

She laughed. “Come on, Dev. We’re married. You can tell me.”

“One might think telling one’s wife was exactly the wrong thing to do. Besides, there aren’t any other women. I told you I would be faithful.”

A fact she was appreciating more and more. “I didn’t mean now,” she told him. “I meant before. There was only one serious relationship in my life and you know all about him. I think it’s only fair to share information.”

“Of course you do.” He frowned. “I knew Jimmy was your first time, but do you also consider him your first serious relationship?”

She thought about the question. “I think so. There were guys I liked and dated. I actually went out a lot in high school. But I never really fell in love. I think a lot of it was the guys I dated knew my dad and were concerned about doing the wrong thing. I was always aware of being the preacher’s daughter, as well. So I would kind of hold back and I think the guys did, too. So I guess that makes Jimmy my first serious relationship.”

And she hadn’t even been in love with him, she thought sadly. What did that say about her decisionmaking skills?

“How did you and Jimmy meet?” Dev asked.

“He was visiting work for some reason. I was in the lunch room and he walked in. We just started talking.” She thought about that first day. Jimmy had been good-looking, funny and, in some ways, more grown-up than the guys she was used to. “He didn’t know anything about me, which I liked. He asked me out and I said yes.”

Dev nodded slowly. “Jimmy always was a charmer with the ladies.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You’re saying I was one of many.”

“As far as I know, you’re the only one he talked about marrying.”

She nodded, as if the statement had significance. She wanted to believe it was true but…“Dev, is it possible he just said that to get me to sleep with him?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been wondering. Jimmy was a great guy, but until he decided to go into the military, he seemed scattered. He had a million ideas about what he wanted to do, but none of them made sense. He wasn’t a doer, really.” She paused. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about him this way with you.”

“It’s fine. I’m aware of Jimmy’s faults.” He picked up a pen, then put it back on his desk. “You’re right. He was a dreamer.”

She noticed he didn’t answer her question—as to whether it was possible that Jimmy had just said he wanted to marry her to get her into bed. If he’d believed Jimmy really cared, he would have said so. Was he trying to protect his brother’s reputation or her?

Knowing Dev as she did, she thought it might be both. Maybe she should just go with that and not try to second guess the past. There was no way of knowing now.

“You never told me about the other women in your life, although changing the subject to Jimmy was a neat trick.”

“You like that? I could do it again.” He shifted in his seat. “What do you want to know? There’s nothing much to tell. I was a single guy who dated.”

“There’s more to it than that,” she said. “They were all beautiful.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I saw a couple myself and Katherine told me.”

He groaned. “Great. My own staff turns on me.”

“We consider your personal life a hobby. You should be flattered.”

“Amazingly, I’m not.” He looked at her. “What else did she say?”

Noelle pretended to study her nails. “Nothing really. But we found it fascinating that you always chose exotic beauties. No milkmaids for you.”

He laughed. “Milkmaids?”

“You know—traditional looking. Blond hair, blue eyes.”

“Like you.”

She shrugged. “I could fall into the milkmaid category.”

“So you’d believe me if I told you that I thought you were beautiful, but you’d draw the line at exotic?”

He thought she was beautiful? Noelle wanted to stand up and cheer. Except he hadn’t said that, exactly. There’d been an “if” in that sentence.

“I’m no one’s definition of exotic,” she said. “I can live with that. So about these women.”

He closed his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re seriously interested in them. So why don’t you ask what you really want to know?”

Hmmm, there was a concept. She drew in a breath, squared her shoulders and blurted out, “What do you know that Jimmy didn’t? About sex, I mean.”

Dev had braced himself, but even so, the question caught him like a shot. He felt emotionally flung back in his seat and left for dead. Couldn’t she have just asked to buy new bedroom furniture?

He swore silently. This was not a conversation they should be having. He had an entire list of reasons as to why not. The most pressing was that he’d spent the last week doing his damnedest to avoid any remotely personal contact with Noelle. He’d been interested before, but kissing her had shown him there were plenty of possibilities and now they were driving him crazy.

He wanted her. He’d wanted other women before and kept trying to tell himself this was an itch that would fade with time. But whenever he got the need under control, he found himself catching sight of the curve of her cheek or the back of her thighs as she pranced around the house in shorts.

Worse, sometimes she got him by just talking. She would spout an opinion on some world event that surprised him, not only with her view, but with the facts she had to back it up. He’d caught her reading a science magazine two days after she’d admitting to having a weakness for celebrity gossip tabloids. How was he not supposed to adore that?

“You’re stalling,” she said.

“I’m considering my options.”

“Why is the question so difficult? It’s just information.”

He shook his head. “It’s more than that and you know it.” What to say? “What I know that Jimmy didn’t isn’t important. Just a few details.”

“Life is in the details,” she told him. “What are you afraid of?”

Going where he shouldn’t, he thought grimly. Wanting too much.

She glanced at the carpet, then back at him. “Dev, we’re married and we plan on staying married for the next two years. That’s kind of a long time. I know you had a…physical relationship with the other women in your life. It’s a natural part of life. While I appreciate your promise to be faithful for the time we’re married, I think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary suffering.”

She raised her head and gazed directly at him. “I like to think we’re becoming friends, which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that we’re married, but this is an odd situation. I don’t want you to break your promise to be faithful and I don’t want you to do without. I’m willing to be your wife in that way, too.”

He heard the words, but he couldn’t believe them. She was supposed to be the innocent in all this—how the hell had she figured it all out?

“A generous offer, but not one you need to make,” he said gruffly.

“Really?” She smiled. “So you’re just going to ignore that part of your life? It’s not like the need goes away. My parents have been married more than twenty years and they’re still hot for each other.” Her smile turned into a grin. “When I was a teenager, I was so uncomfortable, knowing they did that. I mean, they’re parents. But now I see their intimacy as a really good thing. It helps keep the relationship strong.”

He had no idea what to say to her.

Noelle pulled her knees to her chest. “I’ll admit my lone experience wasn’t anything I’d want to repeat, but you said it could be better and I trust you. So if you’re interested, I’m willing.”

There were two spots of color on her face, but oth erwise she seemed completely calm and in control. Amazing, he thought, still stunned at her courage and honesty.

“Unless you don’t want me,” she added, as she ducked her head.

Not want her? “Noelle, don’t go there,” he told her. “Wanting has nothing to do with it.”

“Then it’s because I’m pregnant. Does that gross you out?”

That made him smile. Nothing about her “grossed him out.” She only had to be breathing for him to want her. “You being pregnant isn’t an issue.” He felt uncomfortable and wasn’t sure why. A beautiful woman was offering herself to him. Shouldn’t that be a good thing?

It was, except he wasn’t sure it was right for her. She’d only been with one of guy and he’d been Dev’s brother. The situation was twisted in ways he couldn’t describe.

There was also his concern about what would happen after. If they did become lovers. The women he let into his life understood the rules—no permanent entanglements. Despite the two-year contract they had, he wasn’t sure Noelle could be his lover and walk away.

She stood. “I can see you’re not ready. That’s fine. I’ll wait. But the offer remains open.”

Then she walked out.

He was left with an aching need and no clue as to what to say. What the hell was wrong with this picture? What was he supposed to do now? Go after her? Pretend they’d never had this conversation? He’d been left hanging in the wind by a twenty-year-old innocent.

If this had happened to anyone else, he would think it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.