Читать книгу Don’t Tell Teacher - Suzy K. Quinn - Страница 19

Lizzie

Mum is visiting today. She wants to talk about Tom’s first week at school. Make sure he’s settling in okay.

Two things will happen.

She will be late.

She will criticise me incessantly.

I’ve made vegetable soup with organic parsnips and carrots, and just a little bit of crème fraîche, plus (I won’t tell my mum this) a squirt of tomato ketchup. Pumpkin seed and olive oil bread warms in the oven.

I have been up early, cleaning, scrubbing, dusting. The house looks great, actually. A real step forward. I’ve laid the breakfast bar in the big, beautiful conservatory using freshly laundered napkins and antique wine glasses.

But I know it won’t be enough. Nothing ever is for my mother.

It’s 1 p.m., and Tom waits in a clean shirt, face scrubbed, hair shiny. He tried to get out of brushing his teeth (‘I’ll do it later, Mum’), but I managed to bribe him with a fruit Yoyo and the promise that he doesn’t have to give Grandma a kiss.

Now we’re sat on the sofa, listening for the click click of my mother’s high heels.

A car slows outside. I hear footsteps, then a hard knock at the door.

This is her.

I open the door to a cloud of rose perfume and Mum’s glossy, denture-perfect smile. She looks like a Fifties movie star – red lipstick, bright green pashmina and Jane Mansfield coiffed black hair.

‘Hello, darling.’ Mum kisses me on both cheeks, leaving traces of lipstick, which I surreptitiously rub off. She glides into the house, sharp, green eyes inspecting. ‘How is my little grandson?’

‘He’s much better now,’ I say. ‘They didn’t keep him overnight in the end. They think the seizure could have been a one-off. Just some unexplained childhood thing. Tom, say hello to your grandma.’

‘Hello, Grandma,’ says Tom, back straight, knees together. ‘That’s a very nice red bag.’

‘Have they put him on any medication?’ Mum asks.

I hesitate. ‘Yes. Yes, they have. Blood-thinning meds, just in case. He’s going to be on them for the next few months and then they’ll reassess.’

‘So he’s on prescription medication?’ Mum qualifies. ‘It must be serious, then.’

‘I … yes. He’s still not quite himself.’

‘How are you settling into school?’ Mum asks. ‘Are you keeping up with your school work?’

‘Yes,’ says Tom. ‘It’s harder than London, but it’s all right.’

‘Did I mention, Thomas – I met your new headmaster?’ Mum slides leather gloves from her hands and pats his head. ‘I liked him very much. Behave well for him, won’t you? We don’t want people thinking you’re from a bad family. How are you doing in class? Still at the top?’

‘No,’ says Tom. ‘Not here. But I don’t mind.’

‘You need to work hard, Tom,’ says Mum. ‘Don’t be lazy. You were top of the class before. The headmaster is such a nice man. Very high standards. He’ll be disappointed in you.’

‘Tom has never been lazy,’ I say. ‘He’s just not competitive. He doesn’t care about being the best. That’s just not who he is.’

‘Not like his father then.’ Mum raises an eyebrow. She walks through the living room and into the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards. ‘So this is where you’re hiding the mess.’

It’s true – there’s a raggle-taggle heap of objects stuffed inside the lower cupboards. Things I didn’t have time to sort through and stuffed out of the way to look tidy.

‘You’re not coping, Elizabeth,’ Mum says. ‘I knew you’d struggle alone.’

‘I’m doing my best. We’ve only just moved. You should have seen the house yesterday.’

‘You shouldn’t have left your husband. And now it’s too late.’

That last remark cuts like a knife.

‘You’re saying I should have stayed with Olly?’ I glance to check Tom isn’t listening, then whisper, ‘You know what he did.’

‘Oh, Elizabeth, children don’t always tell the truth. You hardly ever did.’

‘You should have come to court, Mum,’ I say, teeth gritted. ‘And heard the full story.’

‘This is too much for you, Elizabeth. The house. A young child. Why won’t you come and live with me?’

I hold back a shudder. ‘I’m not sure we’d get along as adults,’ I say. ‘We didn’t get on well when I was a teenager, did we?’

‘You were difficult,’ says Mum. ‘Always criticising. Trying to start arguments. And so solemn.’

‘I looked after you much more than any thirteen-year-old ever should,’ I say, meeting her eye.

Mum turns to open kitchen cupboards.

Deflect.

Ignore.

Put it in a box and let it explode another time.

That’s how things are in our family.

I wonder if Mum has genuinely forgotten her overdose. And the fall-out afterwards. Or just pretends.

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ I ask, changing the subject. Slotting in, being a shadow.

My mother’s lips pucker. She manages a few tears. ‘How could you say we don’t get along, Elizabeth? I did everything for you. I gave up my whole life. Stayed with your adulterous pig of a father. For you.’

Inwardly I feel tired. It’s just so much easier to placate my mother than tell the truth.

‘I know. I’m sorry.’

Mum goes to a recent picture of Tom on the mantelpiece. I took it when Tom’s new Steelfield School uniform arrived. I needed him to try it on, so let him pose with his school bag at the bottom of the stairs.

The uniform was oversized – and still is – but he’ll grow into it.

‘Is that his new school uniform?’ Mum asks. ‘Very smart.’

‘Yes,’ I say, and then pre-empting a criticism I add, ‘It was big on him, but better than too small.’

‘What are the children like at your new school, Tom?’ Mum asks. ‘They come from good families, don’t they?’

‘He’s eight years old, Mum,’ I say. ‘How can he answer a question like that?’

‘The headmaster says the school has an outstanding status,’ Mum continues, ignoring me. ‘Very high-achieving. I imagine the children are well-behaved. Come from the right stock.’

‘Most of the children are good,’ says Tom. ‘Except Pauly and his brothers. They have a gang.’

I turn to him. ‘What do you mean, a gang?’

‘Lloyd is the general,’ Tom explains. ‘Pauly is general number two, Joey and I are the soldiers. We like red – red is our gang colour.’

Colours again.

‘Lloyd’s mental,’ Tom continues. ‘Mental.’

‘Sounds like he needs discipline,’ says Mum. ‘I’m sure the headmaster keeps him in line.’

Tom nods. ‘Lloyd doesn’t dare do anything when Mr Cockrun is around. He’s too scared of…’ Tom stops himself then, as if he’s said too much.

‘Are many of the children scared of Mr Cockrun, Tom?’ I ask gently.

Tom hesitates.

‘Children should be scared of their headmaster,’ says Mum.

‘No they shouldn’t,’ I say.

‘Maybe they’re not scared,’ says Tom quickly.

‘But you started to say Lloyd was,’ I insist. ‘Why is Lloyd scared?’

Tom shrugs. ‘I dunno.’

‘Speak properly, Tom,’ Mum snaps.

‘You should stay away from those Neilson boys, Tom,’ I say. ‘They sound like bad news.’

‘What’s your teacher like, Tom?’ Mum asks.

‘She’s like a robot,’ says Tom. ‘She just says everything the headmaster says.’

‘I’m sure she doesn’t,’ Mum retorts. ‘Stop being so silly.’

‘He’s tired,’ I say. ‘Remember he was in hospital last week.’

There is a silence long enough for Mum’s handsome face to crumple. Then she says, ‘I don’t know why you didn’t call me.’

I want to say, ‘Of course I didn’t call you. You’d have made it all about yourself.’ But I don’t. I’ve learned the hard way what happens if I tell her the truth.

‘We’ve been through this, Mum,’ I say. ‘Tom didn’t stay overnight—’

‘But it was a seizure.’

‘Yes. And it was terrifying for both of us. But I’m trying not to dwell on that.’ I say the last words through gritted teeth.

Mum cups Tom’s face in her hands, then pulls him into a dramatic, perfumed chest-hug.

Tom accepts the hug limply, without pleasure.

‘I handled it okay by myself,’ I say. ‘I’m not as useless as you think.’

‘A seizure. Oh my God, Elizabeth. How on earth could something like that have happened? Could there be something genetic? On his father’s side, perhaps?’

My heart races as I wait for the next inevitable question. And then it comes.

‘Has he seen Oliver since you moved?’ Mum’s eyes roam around my living room.

‘No.’

‘I thought—’

‘I told you what Olly did.’

‘Couldn’t you have tried counselling? I always thought your father and I should have given that a go.’

I let out a shocked laugh. ‘It went way beyond counselling. Olly has deep-rooted psychological issues. Good God, I wish you’d been there at the court hearing.’

I turn then, realising Tom might be listening. But he’s frowning at a school book – something he used to do when Olly and I were together. Shut himself away.

‘You don’t even give Olly visitation,’ says Mum. ‘That would give you a few hours to yourself, at least.’

‘Olly will never see Tom without me being there,’ I say, my voice low. ‘Not while I’m still breathing. I failed Tom before. I won’t fail him again. Anyway, Tom doesn’t want to see his father. They can’t make him if he doesn’t want to.’

Mum shakes her head. ‘But you need help. You can’t do this alone.’

‘What time did you book your taxi for, Mother?’ I ask. ‘How long do we have the pleasure of your company?’

Mum gives me sad, disappointed eyes, and I feel my inner strength dwindling. ‘I was hoping we’d have a nice lunch. I’ve come a very long way.’

My mother was the first shadow I found myself standing in.

At least Olly noticed me from time to time.