Читать книгу If Only... - Tanya Wright - Страница 10

THREE

A continual throb at her temples pounded out a beat any drum line would be proud of. The gentle sway back and forth had her wondering how she had ended up on a boat. Did she even know anyone with a boat?

Slowly, ever so slowly, she attempted to pry her eyes open. The stickiness proved that last night’s choice to layer up the mascara and falsies had been a bad idea.

Micah was too afraid to open her eyes, not wanting to experience the piercing pain the bright morning light would bring.

Drew had visited her in her dreams and it made her feel as if she was seventeen all over again. It was as if the years that had passed had ceased to exist. No death, no pain. She didn’t want to open her eyes and face the inevitable disappointment. But last night she’d made a promise to herself. This was going to stop. She needed to snap out of it.

With a groan, she rolled over and stretched. The fogginess slowly began to dissipate as she opened her eyes, leaving a clear view of...not her room. Gradually, she began to recognize her surroundings. She had helped pick out that mirror. And that dresser, too.

It was Josh’s room.

The smell of tequila and smoke rose up from her clothes and memories of last night came crashing back as thoughts of her dream faded away.

Josh. She had kissed Josh.

The memory of his lips upon hers was permanently engraved in her brain. Who could forget a kiss like that? Whether she was drunk or not, those lips were unforgettable.

How embarrassing! She threw a pillow over her head. This couldn’t be happening. What was she supposed to do? Apologize? Act as if it hadn’t happened? Laugh it off? There had been a lot of alcohol involved. It could easily be swept under the rug.

The smell, coming from the clothes she had worn the night before, turned her stomach. She threw the covers aside and bolted from the bed, making a mad dash to the bathroom. Immediately, she hugged the porcelain bowl, cursing herself for last night’s stupidity.

A soothing hand made circles on her back, easing some of the sickness.

“Good. You’re awake.”

Josh’s voice was a balm to her frazzled state. Her head hurt too much to look up at him.

“Do you want me to get you anything?”

She couldn’t summon the strength to answer.

“Sorry. I can’t stay in here or else I’m going to be pushing you aside so that I can puke. Call me if you need something.”

Minutes later, she finally pulled herself away from the toilet, having dispensed of everything and then some. Desperately needing water, she made her way to the kitchen. Josh had such a nice place for a guy. Of course, she had helped with most of it. He’d wanted the apartment to have a woman’s touch without having to invest in a relationship that came attached to a woman.

As she rounded the corner to the kitchen, Josh came into view. Their gazes locked. An onslaught of images from last night’s impromptu but very passionate kiss returned to the forefront of her mind. Heat rushed from her toes to the top of her head with lightning speed. She could feel the crimson flush as it stretched across her face, down her neck and across her chest.

Micah could see it in his eyes. He was thinking about the kiss, too. She should look away, but she couldn’t. His steel-gray eyes held her captive. She allowed herself to break the eye contact for just a moment, taking in his fire-station tee and the way it left little to the imagination. Her eyes traveled back up to his and he quickly looked away.

He stood behind the black granite countertop making coffee, the delicious-smelling aroma pulling her from her overheated thoughts. Without having to ask, he handed her a cup as well as a bottle of water. He knew her so well.

“Sorry about last night.” She cringed as the words spilled out of her mouth, her voice sounding more like a croak. Sorry seemed like such an inadequate word to cover all her transgressions. She was mortified at the boundaries she had crossed.

She sat at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around the modern handleless coffee cup, and absorbed its warmth. Sending up a quick but heartfelt prayer, she hoped that her actions from last night had not done any permanent damage to their relationship.

“Don’t mention it.” He was busy with something in the kitchen, she couldn’t tell what from her spot.

Micah tried to make sense of everything. Some fogginess still resided from her drunken haze, clouding her mind. She struggled to separate dream from reality. But regardless, the kiss she’d initiated was bold and clear. Nothing about that was clouded.

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?” Josh snapped at her.

“Like what? I’m not looking at you.”

“Yes, you are. It’s weirding me out. Stop.”

So he was going to avoid the issue at hand. Good. She didn’t want to talk about it, anyway.

Plopping down across from her at the table, he poured half the box of cereal into what appeared to be a small mixing bowl.

“I have no idea what you are talking about. Jeez! You gonna save me any?”

“It’s my cereal. I can eat it all if I want to.”

“You’d do that to your guest?” Her head was pounding and this conversation wasn’t helping. Eating might not be such a good idea, anyway.

“Guest? Um...you left me no choice. You were obliterated last night. If you hadn’t lost your purse, I would have happily taken you to your own place.”

She looked up from her coffee and immediately regretted the quick movement. The room began to spin again. She needed to lie back down, not argue about cereal.

It was his way of avoiding an embarrassing conversation. The cereal was unimportant.

“You’ve got something—” He waved his hand over his cheek.

Puzzled, she waited for him to finish.

“You’ve got—” He reached out. Her body went rigid as his hand touched her cheek. Then he ripped something off her face. “It’s an eyelash from last night.”

After flicking the wayward false eyelashes onto the table, he turned his attention back to his cereal.

She was still locked out of her apartment, so this place would have to do for now, at least until this feeling of being on a rocking ship subsided.

“Josh, I need to lie back down. I don’t feel so good.” Her bare feet shuffled against the old hardwood floors as she made her way back to his room. The smell of last night’s bar still clung to her shirt: the smoke, the booze, the other miscellaneous smells that went along with a pub. “And I’m stealing a T-shirt.”

“Why not? You’ve taken over everything else.”

Slipping out of her clothes, she pulled on a vintage band tee she found in his dresser, relishing in the way the cool cotton felt against her warm skin. She dove under the covers and buried her head in the pillow. The unsettling feeling of being surrounded by Josh washed over her, his scent clawing her senses. She had helped him pick out the fragrance, too. Even in her tequila haze she could easily pull out the notes of bergamot, Douglas fir and citrus. It was him, completely him.

Until now, she had not realized just how much his scent had affected her. Memory of last night’s kiss teased her senses once again. She buried herself deeper, needing more of it, needing more of him.

When had this happened? When had she stopped looking at Josh as a friend or a brother? She was positive this kind of traitorous behavior was punishable by death. One did not simply move on from a deceased boyfriend to his best friend, even if a significant amount of time had passed. And it definitely wasn’t wise to start feeling this kind of desire for a man who thought of you as a sister.

Although that kiss said differently. Sleep claimed her before she was able to analyze and gain answers to the questions that now troubled her.

* * *

Josh had been worried about her last night. Micah tended to bottle her emotions until the contents were so compressed that the explosion that followed was a grand display of red flames and fireworks.

And that was exactly what he got. He just hadn’t expected it to be in the form of an earth-shattering kiss. A huge part of him wanted to smile, to relish in the excitement of finally being able to kiss the one girl who had always been out of his reach. But the moment he allowed that excitement to build, it was swallowed up by betrayal and guilt.

She had been drunk out of her mind. He thought for sure that she wouldn’t remember a thing, but he had been wrong. She remembered all right, judging by the way her face had turned a beautiful shade of pink when she saw him.

It had been a mistake.

The grief she had been experiencing recently was bound to make her do something stupid and out of control. Clearly that was what had happened last night.

But if that had been the result of her depression, enough was enough. He couldn’t stand any more of this. He should have talked with her sooner, done something sooner. But what? What did you tell your best friend who after ten years fell back into mourning the loss of her boyfriend? If there was a self-help book, he would have bought it by now. He hated seeing her unhappy, but she was her own worst enemy. She was the one keeping herself from happiness—real happiness, not the contrived happiness she had been living with for the last decade. She was only fooling herself. She deserved more than this.

And he definitely couldn’t handle this latest development. He was wound too tight.

When she’d walked into the kitchen this morning with her rumpled clothes, her curls going in every direction and a false eyelash stuck to her cheek, everything in him had wanted to continue what they had started the night before.

The moment her eyes met his and he felt the embarrassment she felt, he’d known he was being foolish. It could never, ever happen. He set his mind back on course, but the frustration and tension were too difficult to ignore. Instead of pushing her against the counter and kissing her the way he wanted to, he’d snapped at her and argued over cereal.

Josh shook his head. Apparently, this was how he was going to handle this situation: by being a grouch and pissing her off. Great idea, Josh. Real brilliant.

The image of Micah’s flaming hair spread out on his pillow left him breathless. Add in the fact that she was wearing his T-shirt and he was positive this had to be the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. He could feel the desire begin to take form deep in his gut as an intense urge pulled him closer. His hand moved on its own accord, desperate to touch the flames. If he touched would he get burned?

Josh yanked his hand back from her. Of course he would! Last night was proof enough for him. He was definitely playing with fire here.

He turned to leave, having done was he was supposed to and checked on her, making sure she was still breathing.

“Josh?”

Her sleepy voice almost did him in. Standing at the doorway with his back to her, he answered, “Yes?”

“What time is it?”

He found himself turning at the question. She rolled over in the bed and pushed her hair out of her face. He glanced at his watch. “A little after two.”

“Two in the afternoon?” She sat up in the bed, her curls in wild disarray, making her impossibly irresistible. He could not stand to look at her anymore, so he turned back and headed in the direction of the living room.

“Yup. You slept the day away. You want anything to eat? I just ordered a pizza.”

“Sounds good.”

He flipped on the TV, hoping to find something to distract him, but it wasn’t working. Micah helped herself to some water and came to sit next to him on the couch. He was aware of every move she made, every fidget, every sigh.

She wanted to talk. That much was obvious. But what was he supposed to say? In one stupid moment of weakness, he had brought about a whole new world of awkwardness between them. He’d really screwed this one up. Now he couldn’t look at her without seeing her eyes wide in shock and horror, her lips raw from his kiss. The mere task of sitting within two feet of one another on a couch watching television had adopted all sorts of new complications. Ten years of hard work thrown out the window in an instant.

He had to figure out some way to control the damage he had done. Ignoring it, as if it hadn’t happened, could only last so long. She would bring it up eventually. He needed to have a plan in place for when she did.

“So...”

She let the word stretch out, accentuating the resounding discomfort that sat between them.

Well, that didn’t last long. Don’t go there, Mike. Don’t go there.

“That kiss last night...”

She went there.

“And I thought I was the one who had too much to drink! Ha! No one was paying any attention to you. I had no clue you got that handsy when you drank.”

What? He’d only had one drink last night, but he wasn’t about to correct her. It would be so easy to blame it on the alcohol.

“You do always leave the bar with a girl. Never thought I would be added to that never-ending list of hookups.” She laughed again. There was an unmistakable pit in his stomach brought on by guilt.

“Obviously, we both had a little too much to drink. Honest mistake.” Stop talking, Mike. The look he sent her said as much.

“Okay, fine. I’ll drop it. It will be our little secret. Never to be talked about again. No one ever has to know. It will be like it never happened.”

He narrowed his eyes, but didn’t even have to look at her for her to get the point.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Hopefully that would be the last time it was brought up. They had talked about it, gotten it out in the open. Good enough. Right?

She kept fidgeting. She tucked her feet under her and turned in his direction. Every inch of him was aware of every minute move she made. At least he should be grateful she had stopped talking.

“I had the weirdest dream last night...”

Josh released a deep sigh as he continued to flip through the channels, not really seeing what was flashing before him on the screen. He needed to get her home.

“Okay, fine. I won’t tell you about it.”

Now he was making her mad again. He was on a roll.

“No. Tell me.”

“I was just trying to start a conversation. You know I can’t handle awkward silences. Are you in a bad mood or something?”

“No.”

The silence that stretched between them was uncomfortable, and, well, excruciatingly painful. Minutes later she let out a frustrated sigh.

“I need a shower. Do you mind?”

Of course I mind! I don’t need any visuals of you in my shower!

Too late. The visuals were already there.

“Go ahead. Towels are in that small closet in the hall.”

He tried not to map out her movements based on the sounds coming from the bathroom, but no amount of control could stop his mind from picturing the hot water washing over her porcelain skin. The kiss from the night before had set this runaway train in motion. It was impossible to stop it now.

He shook his head to clear the image, but it was only replaced by another when he heard the water shut off. She had to be drying off at this point. How could he have fallen so far as to be envious of a drop of water or even a towel?

Stop now! This was dangerous territory. Frustration built at his obvious lack of self-control when it came to his thoughts concerning Micah. It threatened to boil over as she stepped out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam surrounding her.

She wore nothing but a towel wrapped around her decadent body, tiny droplets of water beaded on her still-damp skin. Half-dressed women had never affected him quite the way Micah did now. The ravenous hunger within him was like nothing he had ever experienced before. The need to kiss and taste the skin where her dripping hair clung to her damp shoulders overwhelmed him.

“Josh?”

The sound of his name snapped him back to his senses. He had momentarily been lost in steam and water droplets, staring at her like a starved and thirsty man. He was neither and she needed to go. Far away from him. And now.

“Seriously? Micah, put some clothes on!” Okay, so maybe that came out a little more forcefully than he had planned. He mentally added jerk to his growing list of attributes: disloyal, guilty, betrayer.

She stomped back into his bedroom, only to return wearing last night’s clothes. Her wet hair left damp spots on the shoulders of her top.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving.”

“C’mon, Micah. You don’t have to go. Sabina doesn’t get off work until later.” He really did feel bad for snapping at her.

“I can’t handle being cooped up in this apartment for another second. You’re being all cranky and whatnot. And, well, I don’t have to put up with it.”

She pulled the wet strands of her hair up and secured it with an elastic, put on her shoes and grabbed her coat. “Call me when your cycle is over and we can be friends again.”

Without moving from his place on the couch, he watched as her fleeting figure disappeared. And just like always, she left a gaping Micah-shaped hole in her wake.

* * *

Micah stormed from the apartment building and out into the bright light of day. Ah, she wished she had her purse! Sunglasses would have been nice. Oh, and money. She was not going anywhere without that. Thank God she still had her phone in her back pocket, otherwise this would be a serious disaster. She called Sabina, not really expecting an answer. She never answered while at a photo shoot.

“Hello?”

“Oh, thank God!” Micah breathed a deep sigh of relief. “I can’t handle Josh for another moment. He’s driving me insane. When will you be done with your shoot?”

“I have a break now. I can come get you if I hurry. Where are you?”

“Outside Josh’s building.”

“Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

You could not get anywhere soon in Boston, but at least she now had a way home.

Her eyes scanned the busy street as she pulled her coat up higher on her neck. The chill of October in Boston was seeping in through her jacket. Buildings surrounded her except for one solitary tree forcing its way into a concrete world. Its leaves had started to change, a bright golden-yellow providing a stark contrast amid the dark grays of the city.

She still couldn’t shake what had just happened between her and Josh. Not that she could figure out any of it. At first she had thought the chemistry that exploded between them was mutual, but after the way he was acting, she knew she had imagined that. How stupid could she be? She was far from the kind of girl he was attracted to. He saw her as a sister, for crying out loud! They were best friends! Crossing over that boundary had been a monumental mistake.

She had tried to brush it off as a joke, tried to ease the moment and laugh it off. But he was in such a bad mood she’d needed to get out of there quick. She needed to put some space between them in order to salvage their friendship. Hopefully after a day or two the kiss would be long forgotten and their friendship restored.

After what felt like forever, Sabina’s SUV came into view as she maneuvered her way across lanes to stop outside Josh’s apartment building. Micah quickly jumped into the car so that Sabina wouldn’t be blocking traffic for too long. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been able to come!”

“What happened with Josh?”

“You know...Josh just being Josh.”

“Say no more. Know exactly what you mean. He can be such a pain in the butt.”

After Sabina dropped her off at their apartment, Micah changed and climbed into the comfort of her bed. She rolled over onto something and reached under the covers to find the teddy bear Drew had given her.

In the chaos surrounding the kiss, she had forgotten all about the dream. It had all seemed easier when Drew was still alive. Maybe all these new feelings for Josh were just misdirected emotions and longings. Maybe it was just her heart’s way of searching for Drew and instead finding Josh.

Why did everything have to be so complicated?

Happiness had come naturally back then, but it had been a long time since she had felt that way. She wanted it back. Part of her still wanted Drew back. Obviously that was impossible, but last night’s dream had been close.

She swiped her finger across her phone screen and saw a text message from Josh.

I’m such a jerk. Sorry <3

It would be easy to respond, but instead she clicked her phone off.

Micah was exhausted. These last couple months had taken her on an emotional roller coaster, but none of that had prepared her for the last twenty-four hours.

She had been depressed and tired of it. She wanted to finally face the past head-on and put it behind her once and for all. But last night’s kiss coupled with the vivid dream that had brought all these memories back to the surface were all too much to handle.

Drew was an important part of her past. Josh was an important part of her present. Both were intricately woven into the tapestry of her life. But the question that remained was, what about her future?