Читать книгу Money Mammoth - Ted Klontz - Страница 46

We have worked with many families stuck in the financial enabling–financial dependence cycle. We have also worked with financial professionals who are worried about clients who are putting their financial health in jeopardy by financially enabling their children. In our work, we have identified five steps to help cut the financial umbilical cord.⁵

1 Recognize that financial help can hurt. The first step in breaking the enabler-dependent cycle is recognizing how your attempts to help someone via financial support can actually be harmful. Financial enabling is almost always done from a good place. You see someone you love in need and you want to help him or her. But by definition, financial enabling hurts. It can hurt you, the giver, financially. If you are reinforcing irresponsible or harmful behaviors then you are hurting the receiver. Financial dependence can be quite psychologically crippling, robbing the dependent of drive, motivation, passion, and/or creativity. You may also be hurting your relationship as financially enabling often comes with strings attached from the giver, and feelings of resentment on the part of the receiver.

2 Understand the curse of too many options. Depending on the level of financial support being provided, you may be giving the financial dependent too many choices. For example, we know of many adult children who have earned multiple graduate degrees in different fields without ever settling on a career or getting a job. Others move around frequently, or start and quit jobs often, never allowing themselves the opportunity to establish themselves. When people need to depend on their own work efforts to fund their lives, the experience can be quite grounding and can give a deep sense of purpose. These people also grow psychologically as they learn to delay gratification and to stick out challenging situations and learn to navigate challenging relationships.

3 Acknowledge the curse of unstructured free time. Research on the concept of “flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, found that it is much more difficult to enjoy unstructured free time than it is work.6 Gainful employment brings with it the opportunity to have flow experiences, where you are being challenged and you lose yourself in productive efforts to meet challenges. Contrary to popular belief, we struggle much more to enjoy unstructured free time, like during weekends and on vacation. With too much free time, we tend to dwell on our problems and feel isolated and uneasy. Work has many built-in social and emotional benefits, even if we find parts of our job distasteful. This is another way that financial enabling can hurt someone.

4 Rip off the financial band-aid. Since money is such a powerful reinforcer, threats and warnings that aid will end unless certain behaviors occur are typically met with failure, especially if the financial enabling has been going on for years. It is very difficult if not impossible for the financial dependent to change until the money stops flowing. Set a date by which the financial support will end and stick to it. You might want to brainstorm other ways to assist that don't involve giving money, which could include paying for therapy, career counseling, life coaching, or financial planning.

5 Establish ongoing support. It can be very difficult to stick to your guns as you are withdrawing financial support to a loved one, as it is not uncommon for the person to become angry or depressed. Financially dependent people may even engage in an adult version of a toddler's temper tantrum, which could involve crying, yelling, or making threats. As such, it is very important for the financially enabling to have an emotional support system to help keep them strong and encourage them to stay the course and not give in to adult temper tantrums.