Читать книгу Wherever You Are: The Military Wives: Our true stories of heartbreak, hope and love - The Wives Military - Страница 13

Nicky Clarke

I never expected to marry a soldier. I used to joke I wouldn’t marry anyone who had been married before, anyone in uniform or anyone who smoked. At least he’s given up smoking …

I met Hugo at St James’s Palace when some friends invited me to go for a drink there. I thought: How do you go for a drink at a palace? Then I said, ‘I’m not dressed for a palace.’ I’d just finished work, but they said I was fine. Hugo was doing ceremonial guard duty and was based there. It turned out girls could go for a drink before dinner, and my friends wanted me to meet him. I was 33 at the time, and I think I’d sort of stopped thinking I’d ever fall in love. But they say that when you stop looking, it happens.

My feelings for Hugo, who is a major in the Scots Guards, were really strong from the beginning, but I had to get my head round military life. He had only another couple of months of ceremonial duty and then he was travelling a lot, running training exercises in Asia, Africa, all over. It was a great job for him, and I was busy. I was working in advertising and marketing, and at the same time training as a psychotherapist, so the separation didn’t feel too bad.

After a year we got engaged and bought our own home, in Wiltshire. The day we moved in he was in Singapore, staying in some nice hotel, while I was lugging boxes: I should have realised that it was a sign of things to come, an introduction to what military wives do. It was a very happy time.

Before I knew Hugo he’d done three tours in Northern Ireland and he’d been in the first Gulf War. He’d left the army for a few years, working for a landmine clearance charity, and he’d been to Afghanistan and Angola with the job. But he’d missed the army: his mother always says that from the moment he could hold a pencil he was drawing pictures of soldiers. He’s from an army family, and they have lots of history with the Scots Guards. I love all the Guards’ traditions, and the passion soldiers have for their regiments, and although I said I wouldn’t marry a soldier, the first time I saw him in his red tunic and bearskin was very exciting.

Eighteen months after we married, Hugo went to Iraq. It was the first time since we’d been together that he’d been somewhere dangerous. After you find out six months before that they are going to deploy, life is never quite the same. It overshadows even the nicest days. Everything you think about and plan for the future is affected by it. Can we go to so-and-so’s wedding? Can we book a holiday? Everything is slightly in limbo, and the worry is there all the time. The minute we actually said goodbye I almost felt: Hooray, now I’m counting down to you coming back. I was very sad that he was going, but relieved that at last it was happening.

But the final day was incredibly sad. I dropped him at camp at 3 a.m. and then drove myself home, listening to James Blunt singing ‘You’re Beautiful’ with tears streaming down my face and thinking: This is probably not the best choice of music … I cried the whole way.

You try not to live by the phone, but it’s hard not to. Eventually some friends persuaded me to go to the pub one night.

While we were there someone said to me, ‘Your phone is ringing.’

I grabbed it, but the call had gone. I recognised the number, and I saw those terrible words ‘missed call’.

My friends said, ‘Call him back.’

They didn’t understand that I can’t do that.

They said, ‘That’s terrible. When will you hear from him again?’

My heart sank as I said, ‘I don’t know.’ It’s one of the most painful things.

But one thing we military wives do is write letters, and we get letters. That’s rare these days – who writes letters to their husband or wife? But we do, and you can say things in letters you might never say otherwise. You can express your true emotions. When he’s home, there are so many ordinary things to discuss and you don’t say the big things as you do in letters.

When they’re away, you have no choice but to carry on as normally as you can. Denial is a good defence sometimes. My way of coping is to think that while he’s away he has a protective bubble all around him; I picture him inside the bubble. Another military wife told me she did it, and I’ve passed it on to others. I shut down. I can’t think about his life out there: if I did I would go crazy. I’ve had moments of imagining the knock on the door, but then I feel guilty for even thinking it.

That six months went very slowly. I didn’t know any other wives, as I didn’t live on a patch. I didn’t know about welfare support. I didn’t know any different. I was living in a lovely village, and people were very supportive. But for them, after three or four months the novelty was over and they’d say things like, ‘Not long to go.’

But actually, the last bit is really hard. Wives all talk about five months into a tour being difficult, because you are at your most worn down and your reserves are depleted. Sunday afternoons are always very bad.

We don’t have children. It’s a great sadness, and we’re now going through the long process of adoption. I always say to other wives: ‘I don’t know how you do it with children.’ They say to me, ‘I don’t know how you do it without children. It’s the children who keep us going.’

Hugo had two chunks of R & R, one week each time. It was great to see him, but also disruptive. When he went back after the first R & R I didn’t hear from him for days. When he finally rang I couldn’t stop myself sobbing down the phone. It was so painful not having him here, because we’d had a good R & R. The weather had been fine, and we sat outside, drank wine, played cards and felt normal again. It made him going back so much worse – in some ways worse than him leaving at the beginning of the tour.

The return home is also so difficult. He’s exhausted, and he wants to collapse, not be bothered doing things. He wants to lie in all morning; I want to do things with him that we haven’t done for six months. It’s hard to manage the balance. And there are always little niggles: he upsets my routines, he can’t find things in the kitchen.

He says, ‘Where’s the pepper?’

‘You know where it is. It’s where it always is.’

‘I can’t remember. I haven’t been here for six months.’

We’ve both changed – not fundamentally, but in some ways. We have to work at finding our boundaries again. It’s a difficult balancing act: military wives always play second fiddle to their husbands’ careers, but they also have to be completely independent. I want him to know that I need him, but I also need to be able to cope without him.

Twelve months after he came back from Iraq we moved to Catterick, and we knew when he went there that he would go to Afghanistan. When he told me, I had a terrible sinking feeling.

Catterick was my first time in married quarters. Everyone was very friendly, but the first question was always: ‘Have you got children?’ When you say no they say everything from ‘Lucky you’ to ‘Your life must be so easy.’ Nobody knows how to deal with it, but you have to deal with it.

Dog walking helped me to meet people. But some wives who move every two years have a way of interacting with people on a surface level. They make instant decisions about whether someone is going to be their friend. I was surprised how direct they all were. I felt I was in an interview every time I met someone, but I realise they’ve developed this way of behaving because they have no time to waste if they, or you, are going to move on. They’d ask about children, and then it would be ‘What does your husband do?’ and ‘How long are you going to be here?’ When you answered you’d be here for a couple of years you could almost see them thinking: OK, I can risk getting to know you, as you’re going to be around a while.

When the men are away various things are organised, like coffee mornings. But very often the families officer who arranges these things is someone who has taken the job after he has served many years in the military, and he is usually much more used to dealing with men than with wives and children; he’s not used to the touchy-feely role of taking care of families while the men are away. He arranges trips for families with children, and get-togethers to pass on information about the tour. But although they do an amazing job, I felt there had to be something more to take our minds off the tour.

So I thought: If we have to do six months without the men, what can bring us all together? Surely we can do better than a coffee morning?

And that’s how the first Military Wives Choir, the Catterick choir, was born.