Читать книгу The Problem Was Me - Thomas Ph.D. Gagliano - Страница 15

I feel the most grateful at the end of the day when I crawl into bed. There was a time when I dreaded waking up because of how shameful I felt. Today, I finally have peace and appreciate the gift of life. My wife and I enjoy newfound intimacy and I revel in the joys of family life. I feel great joy listening to my youngest son tell me and my wife stories about the world from a perspective of a nine-year-old child. My children share stories about their lives with my wife and I that neither of us could imagine sharing with our parents. This brings us comfort in the knowledge that they trust us this much. Life has its imperfections just as people have their flaws. Most of the time my faith outweighs my fears, but every now and then I slip up and allow the warden’s voice to get a little too loud. Usually this happens when I feel entitled or expect the entire world to revolve around me. This is exemplified in my overbearing moments when I tell my wife what she should or should not do, even though she just needs me to be there for her and to listen.

Today, when I hear the warden’s voice, I thank him for sharing his opinion, then I redirect my thinking toward healthy actions. These actions may only consist of making a phone call and sharing my thoughts and feelings with those whom I most trust. They continue to hold my hand until I accept myself and remove the mask that shields me from the outside world. Today, I proudly stand as a man without a mask, allowing the world to view me as I am—imperfect, with all my strengths and weaknesses. By removing the mask, I could reach out to others and help them find their way along the journey of life. The ability to help others is a wonderful gift, both for the giver and the recipient.

I found inspiration in Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Life. Warren postulates that God will lead you to your true calling in life through the people you trust the most. This gave me pause to reflect. My true calling was in helping others. People began to suggest that I write a book about my life and the healing process that helped me and helped others. My internal voice told me this was too big a task, so I thought I would get more advice. As in the past, I gained courage through the support of others. They gave me the strength to do things I could not have accomplished alone. An example is this book.

After writing an early draft of The Problem Was Me, I found myself in uncharted waters. I was wondering how to write it. That is when my path crossed with Abraham Twerski, M.D. A mutual friend introduced us. The idea of asking for help made me uncomfortable. Dr. Twerski put me immediately at ease. He believes that in the core of every human being there is a nucleus of self-respect and dignity.

As I sat in Dr. Twerski’s living room, he told me in a gentle, soft-spoken voice about an ex-convict named Avi. He shared, “Some years ago, I began a modest rehabilitation program in Israel for ex-convicts incarcerated for drug-related crimes. During a session with the first group of clients, I illustrated the power of man’s natural resistance in the avoidance of damaging some object of beauty. Since everyone knows that drugs are damaging, greater resistance should have been self-enforced before the addiction took hold. But, their lack of resistance was the result of a poor sense of self-worth and the inability to find beauty within their being. Long-term recovery depends on the development of self-esteem, and when healing begins the urge to inflict self pain is diminished.”

Avi, one of the ex-convicts, asked, “How can you expect me to have self-esteem? I am thirty-four years old, and sixteen of those thirty-four years have been spent in prison. When I’m released from the penitentiary, who will hire me? When the social worker tells my family that I’ll be released in ninety days, nobody is happy. I am a burden and an embarrassment to everyone in the family, and I’m sure they would rather I stay locked up forever until the day I die. How am I supposed to get self-esteem?”

Dr. Twerski’s response was, “Avi, have you ever seen a display of diamonds in a jewelry store window? Those diamonds are scintillatingly beautiful and worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Do you know what they looked like when they first were brought out from the diamond mine? They were ugly, dirty pieces of glass that anyone would think worthless.

“At the diamond mine, there is an expert called a maven who scrutinizes the ore. He may pick up a dirty piece of glass while marveling at the precious gem that lies within. After he sends it to the processing plant, it emerges as the magnificent and brilliantly shining diamond that you view at the jeweler.

“No one can place anything of beauty into a dirty piece of glass. The beauty of the diamond was always present, but it was concealed by layers of material that had long camouflaged its original exquisiteness. The processing plant only removed these layers of grime to reveal its natural beauty; it did not create the beautiful stone.

“I may not be a maven on diamonds, but I am a maven on people. You have a beautiful soul that has been covered with layers of ugly behavior. Therapy will help to rid yourself of all those years of ugliness and reveal the natural beauty of your human soul.”

Avi remained in the program for several months before being transferred to a transitional facility for another eight months. When he finally was released, he obtained a job and remained drug free.

One day Annette, the administrator of the AA program, received a call from a family whose elderly mother had died, leaving an apartment full of useless furniture. They offered to donate the furniture to the rehabilitation program. Annette telephoned Avi and asked him to help move the furniture. Avi reassured her that he would get a truck to move the furniture.

Two days later, Avi phoned Annette back to inform her that he was at the apartment, but there is no point in moving the furniture as it was old and dilapidated. Annette, who did not want to disappoint the family, asked that the furniture be brought to the office in hopes that perhaps someone could restore some of it.

Avi loaded the truck and delivered the furniture to the facility, located on the second floor of the building. As he dragged the old sofa up the stairs, an envelope fell out from beneath the cushions. That envelope contained five-hundred shekels ($1,800 in American currency). This was found money that nobody knew existed, and the rule of “finders-keepers” could easily have been applied, especially by someone like Avi who used to break into houses for a mere ten shekels.

Instead, Avi called Annette and told her about the money. “That’s the family’s money,” she said. “Call them and tell them.” When the family heard the story, they donated the five-hundred shekels to the rehabilitation program.

When Annette relayed the story to Dr. Twerski, he turned to Avi and said, “Do you remember our first meeting when you did not know how you could ever obtain self-esteem? It was then that I told you about your inner soul, that beautiful diamond that was buried within you. Many people who never stole a penny in their life may simply have pocketed that money. Not you. What you did was exceptional and revealed the true beauty of the diamond that is your soul.”

Some months later, Avi affixed a bronze plaque on the door of the Rehabilitation Center that read: “DIAMOND PROCESSING CENTER.” This is why I began to help others because of my love of exposing beautiful diamonds.

As I left Dr. Twerski, I thought about my father. Both of us were dirty pieces of glass with precious gems inside, deeply hidden from view. Once the dirt was washed away, we were freed from fear. Our goodness, the diamonds inside, could finally be revealed. During our conversation, Dr. Twerski agreed to help with my book. As I share my life story, he shares what he’s learned as a psychiatrist in the field of addiction. Together, we aspire to help free you and other people from the destructive roles we play in our lives.