Читать книгу Where We Came From - Tigress Dekko - Страница 11
Overdosing
Оглавление[14 years old]
Trigger Warning: SUICIDE
I sat in my bedroom in the golden afternoon sun
Folding clothes, when I thought to myself, “I’m finally done”
It was an instantaneous decision, though one that had been long coming
Depression had put its hands on me long ago and it was what I was becoming
I had held on for so long to keep my ex-girlfriend from blaming herself
But she had run away, so the decision was left to myself
So I decided, tomorrow is the day I die.
I planned it all out in my head, how I would say good-bye
That Monday at school was one of the longest of my life
The thought of suicide had become rife
But it was real now, and oh so close,
After I got home from dance, I would lay down and overdose.
On the way to the studio, I stopped by the store to get gatorade and more pills
If what I had already wouldn’t kill me, these extra ones will.
That night, I took a bath and ripped open my skin, hopefully for the last time
I wrote my family notes trying to explain I felt this would be a victimless crime.
I was young, but I had already lost my life; I wasn’t really living
I only hoped that my Mom would be forgiving.
-
A car is outside
My best friend runs to my room
“Hey are you okay?”
I was no longer looking for someone to save me
I wasn’t happy now, I wouldn’t ever be
“I got your message.
I can stay if you need me.
You know I love you.”
-
Alone again I put my playlist on
Pull the pills out from my underwear drawer and I swallow every single one.
50 advil, 48 coricidin, 8 wellbutrin all down within a few minutes
And I laid down in my bed ready to be finished.
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I am F
A
L
L
I
N
G
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Ease.
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Sleep.
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Nothingness.
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Nothingness.
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Nothingness.
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“What is happening?”
“She’s going to kill herself!”
She opens my door
I think I looked dead.
Suddenly my mom is there,
She is shaking me
“What did you take?
Megan, tell me what you took!”
“PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE!”
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Numb.
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“Put her in the car.”
My mom is on the phone now,
“Megan overdosed.”
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Blaring lights.
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A hospital room.
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“What did you take?”
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A new bed.
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I’m here, but I’m fading.
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I can’t stand up on my own.
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Everything is blurry.
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I know my Mom is next to me.
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“You don’t deserve this.
I’m sorry I’m your daughter.
Please, just let me go,”
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Blackout.
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Blackout.
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Blackout.
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Blackout.
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I am now awake
What the fuck is happening?
Distance means nothing.
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Blackout.
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My parents.
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“I love you, daughter.”
How is my mouth still moving?
“I love you too, Mom.”
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Can’t see.
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My legs! My legs! My legs!
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Where am I?
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Blackout, again.
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This world is not real.
Everything is distorted.
How did I get here?
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More doctors.
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My Mother hugs me.
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Is that my dad?
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“I love you, kiddo.”
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“You’re still running, huh?”
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When did I get here?
Right, this is the hospital.
How long has it been?
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Doctors.
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“You’re lucky to be alive. A few minutes difference and you could have died.”
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Not all here. Not yet.
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More doctors. All I can think of is Grey’s Anatomy.
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“Did something happen? What triggered this?”
“She disappeared.”
“Who did?”
“The girl I’m in love with.”
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“You know you’ll have to go back to the hospital, right?”
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A half eaten grilled cheese.
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“You’re lucky to be alive.”
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I’m strong enough now
I am allowed to see friends.
An angel comes first.
My hair is matted,
I have been rolling in sweat
For nearly two days.
She does my make up.
“Make me pretty, please.” She does.
“Thank you, you saved me.”
She does not stay long,
But she gives me a tight hug,
Says, “I am glad you didn’t die.”
My answer gets lost.
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I tried to kill myself.
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A nurse walks me to the bathroom.
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My mom comes back.
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Visitors. Visitors. Visitors.
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“You are incredibly lucky to be alive.”
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I did this.
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My best friend comes next.
I lied. I told her to leave.
I said I was fine.
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“It’s time for you to take a shower. You can’t do it yourself, would you like your mom to help you?”
I feel more comfortable with my best friend.
She carries me to the bathroom.
Our moms chat in the corner.
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She washes my hair,
Washes away all the grime,
Nearing death is gross.
We are both fourteen,
She shouldn’t be doing this.
I don’t deserve this.
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My own clothes, no more hospital gown.
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A chair pulled up to my bed.
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“Can you give me a hug?”
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Her arms around me,
We hold tightly onto life,
Onto each other.
We both bleed out tears.
“We still have so much to do.
You cannot die yet.”
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I still have the bear she gave me that day.
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November 26th will never not hurt.
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“Five more minutes and you may not have made it.”
