Читать книгу For better and for worse - Timo Schmitz - Страница 3

A day in spring, the flowers are still wet from the rain, the wind is a bit cold, but everyone is smiling, enjoying the day. No one knows my feeling inside. I just smile. Whoever smiles to me, I try to smile back. In my heart it is so grey, so uncomfortable and I am feeling like I want to be alone, so that I don’t need to fake my smile, but I do because I’m sitting on a bench in a crowded place. Why can everyone be so happy, why is it only me who cannot enjoy the lovely day, and still I enjoy the moment to know not to be alone at all. And anyways, I can’t share my secret with others – my broken heart. I don’t dare to let anyone see it. I should be happy because I fell in love, but I am so afraid to get refused by her, too afraid not to be brave enough to love again – to stay alone for years! What can I be without her? Without her I have no one to share my mood except my best friend, and furthermore, I am afraid to make my best friend worrying because I am depressed these days. I need her, so she can listen, smile to me, give me warmth, the certain feeling of being loved by someone who can really understand, who can accompany me, to share sweet moments together. But just now there is an uncertain feeling, a sad feeling, november mood. Does she really care? Would she pay any attention to me if she knew my sorrow? Pessengers are passing the bench. Then a young couple passes hand in hand smiling and chatting. I try not to look at them, I feel so ashamed. I could have so many things which would make me lucky, but why I cannot have this little piece of luck? Certainly, it is better to be loved than loving somebody. When being loved, you receive a warm feeling, supporting you, caring you, making you comfortable and so lucky, while loving somebody is such a vague thing. You might give a lot and don’t receive anything back, maybe not even any attention! I want to cry, but I can’t. I can’t show my feeling to any pessenger crossing the bench. If somebody saw it, everyone would ask me what has happened and I could not tell it. However, nobody would care about it anyways. Many people means many different characters, but many just spend too much time on themselves than caring about others. They just run after their own things leaving everything behind. Another couple passes the bench, kissing and hugging and I wonder who has been hurt by them before by not paying any attention to somebody who might need it, to somebody who did anything for them and still they were not treasured. I can’t believe that they have really found their luck, because they seem to be too fresh in love in their eyes and who knows if this luck will stay? Who knows if one of them will sit on a bench in a crowded park one day with deep sorrow because of breaking up, and anyways, I wish they can be really lucky together without breaking up, without hurting each other, without suffering but caring about others instead and being heartful to the people who don’t have this little luck. Suddenly a beautiful girl sits down next to me and asks “How are you?”. I don’t want to answer, I just smile, stand up and walk away.