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ОглавлениеSubjective Drive Profile (SDP) Themes of Pleasure
The subjective drive profile comprises ideas and subjective needs and desires relating to sexual behaviour. These theme descriptions represent an integration of published accounts of sexual motives and drives with those encountered in my clinical work. Some drive themes are pleasure-oriented; others are relationship-oriented, or related to wider social needs. Some drive themes relate to immediate gratification, being more closely aligned to biological events; others take a longer-term point of view. Some are defined by the qualities of the object of desire; others less so. Some motivate sexual behaviour; others inhibit it. Twenty-two drive themes are described in the next four chapters.
These drive themes are not necessarily independent. Just as neural associative processes underlie conditioning, so the associative nature of ideas and the neural networks that carry these ideas means there will be many linkages.130 This creates a situation where a single theme might accommodate ideas that are similar but not identical, but also where different themes may connect conceptually with each other. What these themes have in common is that they contribute to the shaping of sexual behaviour — especially with whom and under what conditions such behaviour might occur.
The first five themes of the subjective drive profile are about pleasure and desire. These do not relate to relationship factors or to social needs as such: being primarily about self-expression and personal happiness, they tend to be self-focused rather than other-centred. And although two people generally provide each other pleasure in a sexual encounter, here the primary motive is their own pleasure, not the other person’s. (To the extent that where the primary motive is to give pleasure to someone else, such a motive is altruistic, and more closely aligned to giving love.) While these drives are not incompatible with the drive to belong, they can find expression outside a relationship. Indeed, some of these drives may find expression without another person being present at all, in such activities as masturbation, and reading or viewing erotic material. Nevertheless, there are other aspects that necessarily reside in another person — whether or not they are present — in which a person might find pleasure, or which that person might desire, such as enjoying beauty or gender traits in someone.
The pleasure themes include: the compulsion of eroticism; the desire for recreation; the drive to curiosity and discovery; the attraction to beauty; and the attraction to gender traits. I have included attraction to gender traits in this chapter on the basis of its erotic and pleasure elements, but to the degree that this drive theme plays a role in relationship dynamics, it might equally be listed under the relationship-need themes of the SDP. I also note that while the experience of pleasure is a result of biological events (involving opioid release, etc.), the desire to pursue pleasure is itself not a biological event (the role of dopamine notwithstanding), and so is included under the SDP. Furthermore, pleasure is not an enduring outcome, although the associations made between behaviour, the circumstances of that behaviour, and pleasure — the conditioned effect — is enduring. And because pleasure tends to be a fleeting experience, any behaviour whose primary purpose is to provide pleasure is likely to be repeated often.
As I have noted, the associative nature of ideas and neural functioning means that there will be overlap between themes. And so we find that having an attractive partner might satisfy a personal desire (attraction to beauty), but it might also contribute to social kudos, associating with themes such as the need for social acceptance and the consumer drive. And as we saw in our discussion of maleness and femaleness, these pleasure themes generally tend to have a higher value in a male’s SDP than a female’s, although they feature in both.131 Let us look more closely at these drive themes.
We begin with the eroticism drive theme. This theme is about the desire for and enjoyment of erotic experience for its own sake — that is, enjoying the feelings of sexual stimulation and arousal.132 Eroticism can involve the use of sexually stimulating ideas or images in art, literature and drama, or objects designed to stimulate sexual arousal, as much as it might involve another person to create a state of sexual interest or excitement. It is about seeking the orgiastic state of sexual experience rather than any wider benefits of a sexual relationship, and so tends to focus on a person’s sexual attributes and behaviours, rather than their attributes as a person.133 Difference rather than similarity is likely to stimulate the erotic experience,134 especially for men, and so we would expect this drive theme to associate with the drive to curiosity and discovery; although for women there tends to be a greater integration of sexual and relational drives, so that a link with the need for intimacy and to belong may remain. Freud argued that this theme (referred to generically as the ‘sex drive’) underpins much human behaviour, including during early developmental stages, albeit in a subconscious way.
This drive theme can find reward in reading or viewing erotic material in the absence of any relationship at all.135 Nevertheless, such activity can prime a person for sexual encounters with another person. The idea of sexual arousal and pleasure is itself arousing and pleasurable, and so any stimulus evoking such thoughts or imaginations, whether it be words, pictures, behaviours, or clothing, can stir this drive; but physical stimulation is also a common source of sexual arousal through masturbatory activity, erotic massage, or the use of sexual objects designed to stimulate sexual arousal. Because of the powerful and inherently rewarding nature of erotic pleasure, this drive theme is closely related to the sexual conditioning drive of the BDP, with ideas, behaviours, or objects capable of becoming conditioned to sexual arousal. There is thus a potential to create a compulsion to access erotic material such as pornography, or erotic experience, at the expense of a relationship. There are of course individual differences in what ideas or images might be considered ‘erotic’: its key element is the capacity to excite sexual arousal. For some people, even certain levels of pain, of powerlessness (or powerfulness — see the power motive), or of social prohibition, can contribute to the experience of eroticism because of their contribution to autonomic nervous system arousal.
A drive theme associated with the eroticism theme is the desire for recreation, which includes freedom of expression and freedom from responsibility. That is, it is the desire to ‘let go’ and abandon oneself to the moment. ‘Letting go’ is a normal part of the sexual experience, as a degree of emotional and physical disinhibition is necessary for interpersonal closeness. This is also paralleled at the neural level, as we have seen. This drive theme may be experienced as an escape from stress and life pressures in general (but also from dealing with life issues), a form of relaxation, of recreation and of tension release.136 Like the compulsion of eroticism, it is a more prominent drive theme in men than women. It associates with having a good time and with general enjoyment, and as such represents an intrinsically rewarding aspect of the event. Such intrinsic reward can act to ward off sadness, boredom, loneliness (and even depression, provided there is sufficient libido), and other negative feelings, by providing pleasure, comfort, companionship, and so on, in the sexual encounter. But it can also do so in a negative sense, as a way of coping through escape from discomfort, stress, and unhappiness, as much as it might in the positive sense of accessing nurturance, enjoyment and emotional support through the embrace of relationship building.
This drive theme represents an important reward component of the drive profile. However, if it is not adequately balanced by other drive themes, it has the potential of promoting one’s own happiness and pleasure at the expense of the needs of the other person, or of the relationship itself. Given that to love someone implies focus on the other person’s needs and a degree of responsibility, tension may result when this drive theme and the need to love coexist. Nevertheless, mutual abandonment provides necessary reward and enhances connectivity in a sexual relationship.
To the extent that a relationship associates with responsibility and loss of freedom, it might incline some people towards sexual expression outside such responsibilities. It may even find expression in a form of mutual exploitation where two people stay in a relationship for as long as it serves the purpose of their recreation: should this no longer be the case, they leave. (By exploitation, I mean each person is used as a means to an end, and may indeed feel ‘used’ in this way. In this regard, it also associates with the consumer drive.) This drive theme may be ascendant for those that struggle with self-discipline,137 it may play a role in friends-with-benefits arrangements or in promiscuity, and it associates with media images linking sexuality with freedom and pleasure. Not uncommonly, the sexual encounter can simply become an ingredient, along with alcohol and perhaps drugs, of ‘having a good time’. Despite the risk of potentially negative outcomes in the long term where this drive is poorly managed, the recreational aspect of this drive theme is clearly positive and plays an important role in a person’s SDP.
The drive to curiosity and discovery
The drive to curiosity and discovery is a drive theme not only about the other person, but also about the self (both in relation to self-discovery and the sating of curiosity), and the various and diverse activities and experiences a sexual encounter might allow.138 This drive is essentially about revealing or discovering something new — in this case, in a sexual context. It involves the thrill of uncovering something, or the promise of a new experience. Novelty is a critical aspect.139 Associated to some extent with the power motive, discovery connects with the excitement of conquest, and the overcoming of interpersonal barriers. However, once the object of passion has been uncovered or discovered, this drive can quickly dissipate. The knowledge itself is not as exciting as the process of acquiring knowledge, the discovery process itself. The acquisition of knowledge is like being granted access to something new: this is why pornography involves many images. Each new image grants a momentary anticipatory excitement, but once uncovered, it loses its novelty power, and other images are sought.
This drive not only has the erotic dimension of entering unknown and perhaps forbidden territory (creating arousal), but also the stimulation and interest of ‘otherness’. That is, it seeks relationship experiences that are explorative in both a sexual and non-sexual way. There is also the element of mystery and risk that contributes to sexual arousal.140 Perel (2006) described passion or sexual excitement as deriving from the unknown, risk, and surprise. While the eroticism drive is about the desire for sexual arousal for its own sake, this drive theme has more to do with curiosity and the discovery of something new. However, curiosity, while a positive factor in learning, can lead a person into risky sexual situations. Linked with initiative and adventure, it is a drive more likely to be associated with the masculine.
Difference is a key factor (‘differences attract’) when it comes to discovering new experiences. To the degree that it overlaps with gender trait differences (see the attraction to gender traits) this is no doubt also an element in heterosexual attraction (the so-called ‘exotic species’ in Bem’s141 formulation). The search for difference may result in the pursuit of new situations and experiences and/or with people quite different from oneself. However, while difference can excite interest and enrich a relationship, it can also create suspicion and separateness. The inhibitory aspect of difference may arise from an inability to connect or relate to someone because of their different values, culture, language, race, religion, and so on. There is a common tendency to dislike those that disagree with us,142 and to be afraid of or distrust those we don’t understand, preventing closeness and empathy. In this regard, the drive to curiosity and discovery plays an important role in the initiation of sexual activity, but potentially interferes with the long-term maintenance of a sexual relationship. This drive theme may be a factor in the SDP of people involved in affairs, promiscuity, visiting prostitutes, accessing pornography, and in some homosexual or bisexual experiences, although it is a drive that seeks variety in sexual experiences in the context of conventional long-term heterosexual relationships as well.
The attraction to beauty or physical attractiveness plays an important role in sexual attraction.143 But this raises several conundrums: the definition of beauty; the nature of the drive towards beauty; and the role of beauty in sexual desire. Philosophers and social researchers have long sought to define beauty. Physical attractiveness may relate to body shape, facial features,144 skin texture, clothing, posture, fragrance and other characteristics. Yet there are other qualities in a person that may influence the perception of sexual attractiveness beyond the physical, such as a sense of ‘presence’ or strength of character, a positive outlook, depth and humour, and a capacity to embrace life. Both physical and personality characteristics may in turn reflect a person’s social status, their social awareness, and their general care and sensitivity. Beauty is furthermore influenced by cultural mores, by socialisation and media images which create meanings and associations around the idea of sexual attractiveness,145 and is to some extent context-dependent so that a person’s attractiveness is relative to others with whom comparison is made.146 Another element to the judgement of beauty relates to the observer’s past history. For example, certain features may associate with desirable qualities or with familiar people who have been loved and cherished in the past.
Why should beauty relate to sexual desire? It could be argued that physical attractiveness draws initial attention and interest, and so creates the motivation for a relationship to begin.147 Further, to have an attractive partner may be seen as a sign of social success, and enhances one’s social status (and so associates with both the consumer drive and the drive for social acceptance). And then, as with all desire, it may have to do with wanting to ‘own’ the beauty in the other person, to the extent that the enjoyment of their beauty gives pleasure in its own right. Yet the equation is not a simple one. While a person’s beauty might be recognised, it might also trigger a negative response in a sexual relationship sense, should a person feel inadequate by comparison — this will affect those with a poor self-image. When someone perceives themselves to be physically flawed or unattractive, they are less likely to be attracted to someone else, especially a physically attractive person, partly for fear of rejection, but partly because of self-rejection. Indeed, we often find a matching between partners in relation to perceived physical attractiveness, along the lines predicted by exchange theory.148
Conversely, unattractive personal features, whether perceived within oneself or perceived within another person, is an inhibitory aspect of this drive theme. As such, it may prevent initial interest in establishing a relationship with a person. This is a drive to reject the other person on the basis they have undesirable physical characteristics that may affect their social desirability, and by extension, the social status that comes from being in relationship with someone attractive. Alternatively, certain manners, habits, or personality characteristics may be deemed intrinsically unattractive, as might disfigurement from disease or injury, and so reduce sexual attraction.
The attraction to gender traits
The attraction to gender traits (the ‘X-factor’) — the inherent maleness and femaleness, and the meanings and ideas associated with gender — plays a critical role in sexual interest and attraction.149 The gender exclusivity commonly found in both heterosexual and same-sex romantic attraction (that is, in romantic partnering, heterosexuals are generally exclusively heterosexual while homosexuals are generally exclusively homosexual) indicates that there is a quality inherent in the gender responsible for the sexual attraction. Implied in this is also the inverse: that gender traits act as much to activate as to inhibit sexual desire. That is, same-sex gender traits generally inhibit sexual desire in heterosexuals, while the reverse is true for homosexuals.
While this drive theme might be linked to the drive to procreation (at least, for a heterosexual person), the drive to procreation has as focus the desire for children so that fertility becomes important; while attraction to gender traits relates directly to desiring and enjoying features of gender-associated traits regardless of whether children are desired. There is overlap with the drive to curiosity and discovery, where difference is a key component;150 but here the difference is specifically about gender. There is also overlap with the compulsion to eroticism, but again, here sexual desire is about attraction to gender traits rather than sexual arousal for its own sake.
As we have seen, defining ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’, like defining beauty, is an elusive task. Generally it reflects the attraction of a male to traits associated with ‘femaleness’ and the attraction of a female to traits associated with ‘maleness’, and is the basis for heterosexual attraction. While gender is biologically influenced, cultural norms and expectations shape the expression of gender, especially in the social roles (as distinct to traits) ascribed to gender. Nevertheless, distinction is commonly made across cultures between male and female gender traits. Maleness relates variously to robustness, strength (generally physical, but also endurance or powerfulness in a psychological sense),151 dominance (or competitiveness), forcefulness, confidence in risky situations,152 courage, independence (or self-reliance), assertiveness, restricted emotional expression,153 and capacity for procreation (virility) — that is, to be able to produce the sperm that fertilises the female. Femaleness in turn, relates variously to gentleness, protectiveness, ‘prettiness’, nurturance, compassion, empathy, sensitivity, tolerance, caring, deference, and the capacity to generate and nurture new life from within.
It could be argued that the basis of attraction is that a man wants to have aspects of the feminine he doesn’t have within himself, while the woman wants to have aspects of the masculine she doesn’t have within herself. Each desires what they see in the other sex and don’t have within themselves (or only to a limited degree; but also without rejecting what they have in their own sex) — it is, in a sense, a drive for completeness, an embrace of both. In many respects each gender complements the other. The presence of her femininity serves to accentuate his masculinity, and vice versa. If he is comfortable with his masculinity and it is well integrated with his sense of self, he is likely to be drawn to a woman simply because the inherent difference reflected in her femininity — the ‘exotic’ element — enhances his masculinity.154 If, however, his sense of self does not have a strong alignment with masculinity, then her femininity does not serve to enhance his sense of masculinity. Instead, dissonance results, and her presence can add to confusion rather than clarification of his sense of self. In the heterosexual context, the sexual relationship could be seen as a celebration and embrace of both sexes and genders: the embrace of one’s own gender, and that of one’s opposite-sex partner.
