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STORY 2

Shifting Away from Tough Love

A. Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez, writer for “On Parenting” in the Washington Post

On the heels of the visible upsurge of white supremacy in Charlottesville in 2017, I saw a beautiful article¹ which made the call for Black parents to spoil their children as a sort of coat or buffer of protection from the hatred being spewed. Reading the article, I had so many moments of resonance and “yessss, girl” that I decided to reach out to the author via Facebook Messenger. Here’s what I sent to her:

Thank you for your much needed perspective and analysis in your recent piece in the Washington Post about spoiling Black children! Your frame and perspective is at the core of my passion project, Parenting for Liberation. I have made a commitment to engage with folks who are raising Black children who want to shift from fear-based parenting (rooted in protection since slavery) to parenting for liberation. I would love to interview you about this piece for my podcast. I believe Black parents need to hear stories about what it means to spoil Black children given the negative connotations with spoiling (e.g., spare the rod, spoil the child). If you are interested please let’s connect! For more info, www.parentingforliberation.org. Also on Facebook!

A. Rochaun responded very positively to my humble request and invited me to share my parenting reflections in her follow-up article² to be featured in “On Parenting” in the Washington Post. Following the publication, I connected with A. Rochaun for a podcast interview. We spoke by phone for the interview, and I could hear her child in the background. During our conversation, we reflected on the impact of slavery and historical traumas that lead to fear-based parenting styles such as “tough love.” A. Rochaun shared how she is breaking through historical and intergenerational cycles of parenting to resist tough love.

Parenting in an Affectionate Way: Breastfeeding and Babywearing

“One of the first things that kind of sent me down the path of shifting from tough love to being fully emotionally present was deciding to breastfeed. That was the catalyst for me to acknowledge that I’m simply feeding my child in an affectionate way. I would also babywear him for ease to get things done. I was shocked by the resistance that I received from people on both sides of the fence. People would say ‘Oh, don’t nurse him for too long—you’ll be spoiling him’ or ‘Don’t hold that baby all the time. Then he’ll be spoiled.’

“That’s when I questioned: How is being emotionally present for my child spoiling him? First, taking the literal concept of spoiling—which is to separate and then not be any good anymore—my son is not a gallon of milk. He’s not going to spoil. Then taking on the definition that they’re implying—he won’t be any good anymore. Again I questioned: How is being emotionally present and giving the balance of love and structure that research has already proven countless times that children excel in, spoiling him? For so long, we have been taught that to be completely present for our children is wrong.”

Three Little Words: I Love You

“I grew up with a mom who obviously loves me dearly, but never felt comfortable enough to say ‘I love you.’ Although everything my mom does, from the way she looked to the way she smiled, just reeks love everywhere—she was never able to say those three words, because she grew up in an environment where her parents didn’t tell her they loved her. Similarly, they would do their best to show it, but the words were just uncomfortable. It didn’t feel right on their lips. While I love how she interacted with me and I love that she was physically present and provided me with the things I needed, I can remember how weird it felt that my mom just was never comfortable using that terminology.”

Declaring Love

“Combining growing up never hearing ‘I love you’ from my mom with the experiences of hearing the backlash when I made the decision to breastfeed, coupled with watching all of the horrific videos of children being beaten and mistreated online—it was an accumulation of years of frustration with parenting styles. I made the choice: I’m not going to let the rest of the world dictate the amount of love I give to my child. I’m not a slave anymore, I’m claiming it for myself that I can be free. I can nurse my son because I’m not responsible for nursing someone else’s child. I can be present for him because I don’t have to prioritize someone else’s baby over mine. It was a personal decision and declaration. I think that everyone has the ability to decide for themselves that they’re not gonna let anyone tell them how to love their kids.”

My conversation with A. Rochaun was familiar and affirming—as if talking to a cousin or sibling about our mother. Throughout our chat about her mom’s way of showing love rather than articulating it verbally, I saw my relationship with my own mother reflected back. What was different about A. Rochaun was the amount of grace and understanding she had for her mother. Through her own grace for her mother, a seed of understanding was planted within me toward my mother. I want to share a snippet from A. Rochaun’s piece on Charlottesville to contextualize her compassion and understanding of our parents’ “tough love” way of parenting and her call and imperative that our generations shift from tough love to what I call radical love:

Our parents’ method was one of sacrifice. It was a very noble goal but it left much to be desired. We have learned through the decades that we can’t protect our children from the hate of the world by acclimating them to high levels of discipline. This is because their actions are not the cause for their mistreatment. We owe it to ourselves and our children to hold them as tight as we can. We may be the only ones to ever do so. It’s my hope that the love I show my son will inspire a revolution. Black parents’ capacity to love their children has been limited since slavery. Let’s not adjust our love any longer, and maybe for the first generation yet, we will empower our children in ways previous generations of black youths have never known.

STORY 2

Liberated Parenting Strategy

“Had my parents been loved well by their parents they would have given that love to their children. They gave what they had been given—care…. But simply giving care does not mean we are loving.”

—bell hooks, All About Love

Reflect

Spend some time reflecting on the excerpt above from All About Love by bell hooks. Recognizing that the word love can take on many different forms, reflect on your own childhood—how were you “loved”? As A. Rochaun shared, she knew her mother loved her, even though she never said those words. What did “love” look like for you as a child?

Practice

If you could offer your inner child the love that was needed, what would that look like? Take time to love on your inner child:

• Tell her the words that she deserved to hear—maybe your inner child never heard words of affirmation like I love you, I’m proud of you, You are beautiful. What are the life-affirming words that you can say to your inner child?

• Play the games your inner child yearned to play—maybe your inner child wants the freedom to play. What games and activities can you play (hopscotch, checker, cards, coloring)?

• Offer the salve to wounds that need to be healed—maybe your inner child is hurting. What healing does she need?

Now that you have provided your own inner child love, what is possible for giving the same love to your own child(ren)?